The end and the beginning...

I'm not going to get all deep about the ending of 2008 and the beginning of 2009 mostly because, I don't have to this book of mine does it so much better and in less words than anything I would write! These were words that greeted me today and they sent my mind to that deep place whereas my heart tagged along too. So I want to share them here, just in case it touches one of you the way it touches me...

Take a Good Look

If you've never studied astronomy, you could look at the stars all night long and never know anything about them. However, if you were to get a star chart and a telescope, those little points of light would take on more meaning and significance. It's the same with the places where God is working in your life. If you don't make an effort to know God, you'll miss out on the amazing things God is doing right now and wants to do in your future.

May grace and peace be yours from God our Father and from the Lord Jesus Christ. ~ Galatians 1:3

Wow, how these words sum up my current state of mind just perfectly and I love this scripture to end one magnificent year growing, learning, serving and loving Christ!

Christmas through new eyes

This year I made a promise to my heart; to take my eyes of "santa" and focus them solely on Jesus and the true purpose of Christmas. I wanted a living Jesus to be my greatest gift this year. And He was!! ~ no doubt in that! He came packaged in many different faces, many different voices, many different souls yet His eyes always remained the same so I could not mistake each gift that I received. The most precious sights for me was how I seen Jesus in my husband, I seen Him in my two sons and this brought tears to my eyes that only God could send, tears of joy and tears of love...a love so grand there's no way to measure it...a love so deep it could only be classified as holiness touching my heart.

What I didn't plan on, what I didn't expect was the gift of receiving Jesus through the eyes of my beloved Best Family. My children I can not hold, my children whose eyes I can not see, my children who have no parents to love on them and no santa to bring them gifts, but alas...they have much more, they have the living Jesus inside their hearts to celebrate, a gift far greater than anything wrapped in paper! It was my honor to learn yet another lesson by having the privilege of the Best Family Children sharing with me the true gift of Christmas through new eyes, their eyes. Here's the email we received on Christmas Eve from Jean Claude:

Hello Maria, Donny and Boston+Zachary!
I wish you Merry CHRISTMAS! This is a special day in our Life and in our Hearts.
Because MARIA(think about your meaning in Name) is going to beget a Highest Child, in whom we shall be saved. And we will never go in Heaven without pass through this SON who is annointed.

As Best Family children we are very excited to this Child who was born in bad Place, in poor Family, without Support, without any thing. But after He became a special one, and all people alike Rich and Poor, Tall and Short, White and Black, Big and Thin, Intelligents and Less Intelligents, and so on must be saved in his name, to go in heaven they must pass before him!

That is our Trust as Best Family, we are no Value now, but we each will become the Special one, because our Father called GOD and our Mother called MARIA(halleluya jesus christ for our own mary, mother).

To day afternoon we start together to think about GOD's LOVE. love to us which grand to give us his beloved Son. and we pass all night long in Prayers and Thanking him till tomorrow morning, where all your children celebrate new family.

Maria Mery Christmas too. And we must joint with you in mind or on hearts..

~BEST FAMILY CHILDREN

I've said it before and I'll say it again...God truly knows how to love His beloved, because I have never felt more loved and more grateful for the true gift of Christmas than I did this year! The Lord showed me in ways beyond my comprehension the gift of His love and it was my greatest Christmas present EVER!

My latest Best Family letter

Here is a letter from Jean Claude sent in response to an envelope I sent from our Sunday school children. Inside the 9x12" envelope were some colored pictures from children ages 5-9yrs old and a written letter by the 5th & 6th graders explaining what autumn is like in Minnesota, also they were gracious enough to include all the ways they pray for the children of the Best Family to be blessed. 2 months later, the package finally arrived (makes me wonder how long it will be till the Christmas packages arrive since we only mailed them out last week!!). Anyway, I just had to share how tremendously humbling it is to receive all this gratitude simply from some colored sheets of construction paper and a one page letter ~ what greater gifts are these words to my heart...

Hello mum!

How are you mum? How is Dad? How are my brothers? They are very fine as I always wish and want. I'm writing this e-mail with full happiness because of my Family in USA. those Children of 9 to 10 years have made us very happy yesterday for their wonderful and exciting Drawings. Best family USA sent good pictures to their other Best Family Rwanda, and they know to draw so much in beauty. You will also show them what their brothers and sisters designed or painted soon. And we thank them for a wonderful Letter they wrote to us, which consist of the best words concerning their prayers to us and wishes for the gift of Life to us. We make sure that we will live in better life in the name of Jesus our lord and we trust all things in GOD. And we have known blessings from God that we have the wonderful relatives(brothers and sister) who loves us so much and always think about us and pray for us in all their times. God bless them so much and their families. And God bless you Maria and Donny for your best intermediary between your two families(Rwanda family and USA family). My children are very very happy about the children from your church, and they shall write back soon. And they are very very proud about their mum and dad in USA(maria and donny). They are telling me in these days that they are no longer Orphans now, because they have the Parents who always look after them. This is the confidence of life you have given to my children. I'm very happy about that. God has blessed me by this.

Our parents, Be blessed so much.

Our Relatives at church, be blessed so much.

Stay with GOD in all times.

~ Best Family Rwanda.

Someone stole...

The thoughts from my soul and the beats from my heart with this video...



I promise to get back to the mission trip stories as soon as I find a moment TO BREATHE! Till then "gasp"....

Sorry!

I'm still alive and have not purposely been neglecting my blogging duties. The Lord has me running on over time and I'm loving it...but it leaves little or not time for blogging and OH SO MUCH to say! I was just thinking the other day, I'm not sure if I'll ever finish blogging about our trip, especially since God is doing SOOO MUCH in the present, that I wanna share all that too! But then I remembered I haven't shared some of the most amazing "Donny" stories about our trip so I have, have, have to continue....so I plan to blog about our final day in Rwanda next up...stay tuned! Until then, check out this lil video I found which sends shivers up my spine! Makes me think endlessly about all the beautiful babes I held at A-Hope and how much God taught me from that blessing.

Speechless...

Simply unbelievable...this video totally destroys my heart! Tom Davis and Children's Hope Chest are doing some amazing things. Check them out!! Seriously, is God pulling at any of your hearts as deeply as he pulls on mine through the eyes of these children! It's nearly unbearable.

http://www.hopechest.org/

Compelled by Love

I'm reading Heidi Baker's newest book "Compelled by Love". Somehow the Lord just speaks to me through her words and her books and so I'm addicted to whatever materials the Baker's produce! I just wanted to share with you all a superb paragraph from the foreword of this book written by Bill Johnson, who is another guy that can write a darn good book! Anyway, these words summed up something so phenomenal to me, I had to share. I just can't find words to describe my seemingly long struggle to transition back into "normal" life AFTER Africa and this guy's story gives me great comfort that at least I'm not the only one!

A friend of mine went to Mozambique, Africa, to spend a couple of weeks helping the Bakers in their ministry. When he returned home, he found himself breaking down and weeping for no apparent reason. He then realized he was crying because he "missed Jesus." His days of being with Heidi and her ministry were so overwhelmingly like the days when Jesus walked on the earth that he was forever ruined for any other lifestyle. The realization that he was no longer in that atmosphere made him weep for what he was missing. Oh, that there would be more tears of desperation for what could be.

This paragraph speaks volumes to me on many levels but I won't bore you with every detail. I love that I've finally found words to my unexplainable weeping and longing for all things Africa. It's because while in Africa, Jesus showed His face to me and ruined me for any other lifestyle! I have a hard time understanding so many things that changed inside me. It is crazy what happens when you find that desperation in your soul for something "more" and that heart cry is answered by GOD HIMSELF. The presence of His overflowing love is not easily understood by our small little brains and certainly not easy to consume or contain! Which is His plan all along ~ to fill you to overflowing so you have no choice but to spill His love all over the place! Quite frankly, what I've learned is this, God's touch...ruins you. It is the most beautiful way to live; ruined, wrecked, a mess, every minute of every day...fluttering about in chaos not having one desire for control, longing desperately for the constant presence of Jesus Christ in your life, your heart and your soul. This is how I find myself living now and I've never enjoyed my life more. This is how God wants each of us to live, in Him and forever with Him. If we'd just slide outta the driver's seat for but a minute to invite him to take the wheel...my how the view would be different from the passenger's side, the drive would become a journey to embrace and not control. The sights would be indescribable and the joy in your heart would be immeasurable.

Toss Him the keys, He's just waiting for the invite...what would one joyride hurt? I promise you'll never wanna drive again!

City Sweep

I am a world shaker
you are my strength
I will take it to the streets
and the lost will be saved

I will to sing to the one
seated to the right
and You will come down
oh what a glorious sight!

These are the words the Lord has given me as my strength, my hope, my courage and my power to sing to life His joy as He leads me on a journey far greater than anything I could accomplish of my own will. In all actuality the circumstances I've "fallen into" are a bit terrifying if I don't remain focused on God and trust blindly knowing He is leading me. I'm finally learning for myself this "loving the lost" is a messy but gloriously beautiful job! Praise God for all the people who loved me when I was lost!! Have I said this enough yet "I feel so lucky to be me!" God is awesome and I'm His world shaker!!!

The depths of gratitude?

How deep can one well run? It feels as though there is no possible way to hit the bottom of this well I've tapped overflowing with an abundant lifetime supply of one of the soul's richest resources...gratitude.

When God is at work weaving lives together the gift that becomes two-fold is a relationship built from the depths of gratitude ~ supernatural gratitude! A reciprocal honor of one another's life blooming through each soul's immeasurable love for Jesus Christ. Seriously! C'mon now...are you getting this?! [my favorite Joyce Meyer line when she's preaching a good message!]

This is larger than the possibility of our limited human capacity to understand! Here we have this beautiful divinely orchestrated phenomenon being born between a couple of nobodies in Minnesota and a few dozen forgotten lives in the streets of Rwanda and what I'm trying to tell you all is the fundamental level here is you just have to know in your mind, heart & soul beyond doubt all the glory goes to God!!! This is our BIG GOD people, shining vibrant and very much alive! Oh how He answers the pleas for more of HIM and less of me!! Whatever door that opens, light that shines, dollar that saves, relationship that blossoms and miracle that unfolds, it's only because of our graciously humbling, miraculously huge Almighty One. This welling up of gratitude to a point of overflowing comes from my love for God and His amazing ability to use my small life for His greater purpose! I feel like I could shout "I am so lucky to be me!" Oh thank you Lord that you have chosen to use my life to make a greater difference ~ one so impossible for me to imagine that I can only lean on you Lord and trust solely in your supernatural plans. Of my own power I would be destined to fail these 50+ helpless lives, but because of YOU GOD, we will all succeed as family, as servants and your WILL...will be done, these children will have a hope and a future as You have promised!


To my surprise, gratitude on a "God level" comes with a free gift ~ returned gratitude, from both God and the lives He compels you to touch. If it's not enough to overwhelm me just knowing God is using my life for good, try imaging what it feels like to know God is using another to share His loving gratitude for you just desiring to serve Him and His people. The Lord continually explodes my heart time and again through the irreplaceable words of a young man named Jean Claude who's gratitude for "knowing me" is far beyond any gift I ever deserved to receive.

The Lord recently opened another door for the Best Family, the HUGEST answered prayer yet, granting them a donation large enough to purchase computer equipment so our dream of a website (to reach, recrute and blend our family with all of YOU) can begin to take form. I have to confess I thought this opportunity was a long shot so I did not invest all my hope in this avenue to save myself from dissapointment and discouragement (since this one avenue was the ONLY card I held in my pocket) and God came through in a mighty way to show me yet again ~ my small faith can not limit Him nor box Him in!! This is God's plans unfolding for the Best Family, not mine. It never had anything to do with me except for the simple fact that once upon a time I asked the loaded question "God, can I have more of You?" and He threw me on a plane destined for Africa to show me His love for me and more importantly what His love might look like THROUGH ME when He answers my plea for more of Him. So I praise God for this donation that is the foundation of our new beginning, the launching pad of a big, bright future for children so dear to Jesus my heart can barely stretch fast enough to hold all the love. Their faith and dependence upon Him has born miracles beyond their wildest imagination!

I had the privilege of sharing this monumental news with Jean Claude which is a gift all in itself to be able to be God's messenger! So here's that gratitude I've been gifted to receive in it's true form from the heart of God filtering through the words of Jean Claude. The saying that God knows how to love his beloved is so very true as I've never felt more loved by both God and the Best Family than through words as beautiful as these;

Maria! Hello! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

ooooh, My GOD, hallowed be your Name and Glory, Power be yours forever.
I don't think so, it's DREAMS, it feels as DREAMS (I'm really dreaming).
We are going see a LAPTOP? and WEB-SITE?
GOD is really good.
The GOD' s works are not like the People works'
and the GOD' s power is not like the People power.
And what are impossible to the People, become possible before GOD.

Maria, I thank you so much, as I always do. I don't know how or what I may do for you But what's the Best before all, I always ask my GOD to Bless you in all people and in your all activities and plans.You are second good person in my life after my Mother who did and will do every thing she can for her Children.

I'm going to do all you need for children and member founders, in generally all Best Family to do the needed Website. Maria, we already took you like our mother we have been given by our Father(GOD). We pray for you so that you will come again to see us, or we will come to see you, if god wishes. Your children see you soon, their heart wishes.

Be blessed so much.
your old child', Claude.

Thank you Jesus for this gift, these tears I cry are happy tears, You know this.

On my heart

It is amazing how small this world can be! Long ago, I found this blog (sorry, I haven't mastered the skill for posting links the way everyone else seems to be able to):


http://jobsdaughters.blogspot.com/


I have watched, okay STALKED this family for a LONG TIME as they deeply inspire me on a God-level, a family-level, a mom-level and an adoption-level. Don't tell Donny I secretly desire to be a BIG-OLE family like theirs one day. But anyway, their story about their journey to Ethiopia to pick up their child and how God placed them right where He needed them to be for HIS CAUSE one afternoon is remarkable and inspires me in a way that overloads my senses with goosebumps. They visited a place called Kolfe Orphanage and they have been forever changed since that day. I have been changed too just from watching God work through their hearts & lives. Not to mention my obsessive reading of their stories on their blog about this forgotten group of boys and one special gem named Solomon that has earned a long-distance home in their hearts as another son in their family. It's amazing how our giant God can reach into one's heart drawing me love this Kolfe Orphanage simply through following another's story.

So it comes with great excitement that I share this news from one of my missionary hero's Tom Davis' blog. He recently returned from Ethiopia from a visionary trip for Children's HopeChest. Funny little thing God had planned ~ For Tom to become the voice Kolfe Orphanage has been desperately needing! Here's a re-cap of Tom's post:


Sponsorship of Kolfe Orphanage in Ethiopia
Kolfe orphanage is an incredible place filled with 130 boys outside Addis Ababa, Ethiopia. After spending just a few hours with the young men there, I was struck by how polite, engaging and smart they are. They are so conversational I almost didn't realize that this orphanage is situated on a dumping ground. Every window is broken out of every building except the office and the only thing more prominent than garbage and glass on the ground is the red dust that covers every square inch of this horrible place. I see two possible roads for these boys. Down the first I see future husbands, fathers, and leaders of Ethiopia. Down the second I see death. I will occasionally use hyperbole to make a point but be clear that this not one of those times.

What They Need
Family. The boys of Kolfe need a church family with a heart for seeing boys become men. They need role models and mentors. They need someone to see their potential and walk with them through life to help them realize it. Here's an overview of Children's HopeChest's orphanage sponsorship program. Thanks to Sam Henry at Red Letters Campaign for the post.

The Basics. Serving these boys begins with meeting their basic needs for survival. Today and tonight they are exposed to the elements living in dormitories that are in shambles. Their food is meager and mean non-existent. Children's Hopechest needs to raise $25K immediately to repair housing facilities, provide beds, and buy books while we find a church sponsor. If you would like to GIVE click here and mark Kolfe orphanage as the recipient.

Help. We are hiring in-country staff to oversee and manage these Sponsorship programs and to identify additional sponsorship opportunities. The field teams' role is threefold: 1) Point of continuity, trust, and fun to the kids throughout the year. 2) Point of financial accountability for orphanage leadership. 3) Facilitate connections between the sponsoring church and children in the orphanage.

If you are interested in recruiting a church or community to sponsor Kolfe, please contact me immediately at tdavis@hopechest.org. We already have 3 sponsorships in process since returning last week!

I am beyond excited that an online community is able to rally around these special children until God's plans unfold for their future!! Oh how the love of Jesus is about to radically affect the lives of those who have been over-looked, ignored and forgotten for far too long!! It is my honor and privilege to say I had the opportunity to share my portion with these deserving boys!



And to directly relate all this right back to me, I must tell you the revelation I have recently come to. As I have watched the Mestas family(the very first blog link at the top of this post) and followed their journey, I had a secret desire on my heart that my life would be touched in a similar way as Eileen's was at Kolfe while I embarked upon my first mission trip to Africa. I believe I even copied portions of Solomon's letters to his "mom" Eileen and passed them on to my family because of the depth of my inspiration by this relationship that God had nurtured into existence. I remember telling my family some random day back in June "I hope my life can affect someone as tremendously as Eileen's has while in Ethiopia. I want to continue to touch someone's life when I come home ~ forever changed ~ as in NEVER THE SAME AGAIN!". Little did I know my story would begin to unfold in such a similar manner to Eileen's...and it's not until just recently that I have realized that desire on my heart "way back in June", was heard by the Lord and He is delivering my wish in His divine plan for me through the the lives of the beautiful Best Family! If you take the time to read about the Mestas' journey, check out their blog, their experience at Kolfe orphanage (the forgotten boys posts) and their relationship with a young man named Solomon you will see how inspiring their story is, but what's even more crazy is how my role with the Best Family is unfolding in such a similar manner to Eileen's relationship to the Kolfe children. I think it's just beautiful that the Lord used this family, their journey and the Kolfe Orphanage to plant a seed in my heart that would blossom into such a beautiful flower ~ my beloved Best Family. Simply AMAZING how the Lord leads if you let Him be your guide!

The faces of my family...

At long last those dear photos, I promised.

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Thank you Lord, for the gift of life.

Thank you Lord, for the gift of family.

Thank you Lord, for the gift of love to fill our hearts to overflowing, without YOU God, none of this would be possible.

Does one life matter?

How many times have you seen commercials of starving kids and decided in your mind that the $32 a month they are asking for wouldn’t truly “do anything”, half would be wasted on advertisement and administration and so you mine as well just forget it. Besides, what would truly change if all you could give only affected one life when the media is overwhelming our minds with the MILLIONS that are dying and in need of our help? Truly, you might find many ways to justify that whatever you “could” contribute would never do any “real” good anyway. You’d become desensitized to the fact that these images are real human beings, real dying children, real suffering widows, real lives created by the hand of God with the same dreams & hope He created our very lives with. Maybe you’d quickly turn the channel or close the magazine or simply relate on a detached level just like the latest horror flick that seemed to make you cringe. At least that’s the way my brain *USED* to compute those gut wrenching advertisements, news articles, 60 minute specials and Sally Struthers infomercials. Until God shook me out of the safety of my lil bubble wrapped life in Buckman, MN and chose to impart the burden of his heavy heart physically onto my heart too. This is where I come to you with joy to tell the story of ONE boy and shatter all those misconceptions you might have been led to believe as I once did.

I don’t know how to do justice to a story I only *wish* I knew, but the assumed details that I do have are worthy in sharing to do some justice to my love and my family in Africa.

I finally found the words to formulate this final post on my beloved Best Family during the course of my past weekend. I was at another conference, spending some much needed time with my neglected girlfriends and how excited was I that our girly time together would be shared with Jesus too! So while I was at the Women of Faith conference I was consuming myself with looking for opportunities to “reach out” and pray for people instead of just truly soaking in the pleasurable company I had been gifted to share, you know me…I’m always multitasking and STARVING for a touch from God. To my surprise my full attention would be grasped beyond any possible distraction at this conference as I was blind-sided by something I didn’t expect to see. Something that found a way to strike a slightly buried chord in my heart to twang with joyful pain like an out of tune dusty, old guitar to an African beat. As the leaders of this conference announced their partner ministry and shared a video about the organization at work around the world named World Vision, I found myself sitting in my seat with my heart in my throat as images of beautiful African children danced across the jumbo screen! World Vision is a ministry that provides an opportunity for people to sponsor orphans and change their lives in a dramatic way (along with many other things). So they chose to present this opportunity by sharing a story of a sponsored child they reconnected with years into his adulthood. A young man from Rwanda, who against all odds is leading an amazing life and serving the Lord while changing the future for many and has been predicted to become Rwanda’s future president some day. I sat there as visions, memories, feelings and tears ravaged me inside, I wasn’t mentally or EMOTIONALLY prepared for this impromptu journey down memory lane! So I fought back the flood as my jaw dropped at the startling revelation of something very familiar;
As they spoke, I thought to myself... know this story, I too KNOW this story….but it belongs to another face, another name and another saved life. Although I don’t know a single detail to truly do justice to the story, I know this VERY STORY ~ just enough to bait my heart like a fishing line ~ just enough for my small mind & life to handle. This very life I had the pleasure of meeting while my feet were standing on the powdered red clay of Rwandan soil. A life that the Lord has intertwined with mine so intricately you’d have to be ignorant not to recognize there’s a bigger plan at work here. This is the life of Jean Claude, the “president” of the Best Family, who is truly a young man after God’s own heart! So this World Vision campaign sent me to a place far away as my physical body sat in the crowded Xcel Energy Center in St. Paul, MN I found my spiritual self deep in the heart of Africa! In this moment, God finally provided the words and inspiration for me to share my 2nd half of the Best Family story. You see, I had been struggling on whether this post was "appropriate" and how I'd truly approach this dire and probably sensitive topic. I have been wondering how this very HUGE God of ours could entrust me....ME....with such a precious task.

I shared in my first post the specifics of my encounter in Rwanda and the logistics I knew about the Best Family sharing how the 4 lives of Jean Claude, Emmanuel, Salomon and David are miraculously changing and saving the lives of nearly 50 Rwandan orphans. I must tell you now, this story truly began years prior to this scene where I stumbled onto the stage to behold in awe the fruits of their tireless loving labor = the heavenly smiles of their Best Family children.

This is the story of one American man and a Rwandan boy that I imagine began somewhere in the mid to late 90's. A boy who lost nearly all his family to the genocide and by some glimpse of hope, managed to beat the odds of losing his own life and beat even more odds of succumbing to a life as a broken, impoverished, poor, war-ravaged statistic and found himself in a situation that would prove to be his “second chance” at life. Jean Claude was a child who became available for sponsorship through Compassion International, a ministry you probably have all heard of with the same values and goals as World Vision whom I mentioned above = to save and help the orphan.

Compassion International would be the face of a future for one boy, named Jean Claude. He was chosen for sponsorship by a man from America, so this man would send his monthly, quarterly, what-have-you donation and it would provide all the needs Jean Claude’s broken, impoverished family could not provide for him. Through the years Jean Claude was gifted the opportunity to attend school, heal from the loss of his family members, the loss of his innocent childhood that was stolen and most importantly given the capacity by a stranger’s kindness to allow the hope of Jesus Christ to grow inside this one boy’s heart so he may become all God had planned for his life SIMPLY from being a sponsored child. So now you can see WHY Jean Claude is becoming the man he’s becoming, you can see WHY he’s devoted his life to saving the orphans and street children, you can see how amazing this Best Family is, you can see WHY he clings to God with all his might, you can see WHY his life is changing the course of our world, you, yourself can see the handiwork of GOD with this one young man's life. Jean Claude was just a boy, whose story and picture stammering across the TV screen would’ve been too uncomfortable for me to embrace and let inside the safe guards around my heart, but because one man believed in causes such as Compassion International, one man has changed one boy’s entire life and the ripple effect from there is proving to be limitless! How perfect is God’s design! Jean Claude is an amazing human being and I aspire to live my life with such greatness and humility!

God chose to use Jean Claude’s life as a living example for a lesson I needed to learn in a physical way to break me free from my ignorance (that had quite a strong hold over me!). One life makes a HUGE DIFFERENCE so give or share whatever it is you feel compelled to give, it makes all the difference in the world, forget about the red tape that you grasp onto for justification that you “simply can not make a difference”, just share your portion no matter how big or small and God will do the rest. I truly feel God is teaching me this lesson about the importance of "one life" for many reasons to prepare me for a future that's possibly bigger than my 'reality' can encompass.

Our loving God knowing what a stubborn and (previously) judgmental fool I was to all these “sponsorship” type entities chose to teach me in a very visual and necessary way to shatter any possibility of my ignorance rekindling! But with this hands on lesson, came a greater burden on my heart and a greater call to ministry. God has chosen me to advocate and participate in “sponsoring” nearly 50 lives now that I’ve had the privilege of being welcomed into their Best Family! Talk about moving to the front of the bus! God just loves doing things in my life in “BIG” ways so that He can keep my OCD attention directly on NEEDING HIM to drive this bus!

I want to share with you the ways our gracious Lord continues to connect me to the Best Family so we can all enjoy a laugh at my introverted expense. Since returning home from Africa my heart was truly burning inside for the Best Family, seriously God was standing under me lighting match after match so that there was no way the flame could fizzle! Soon enough a relationship began to bloom between our family and Jean Claude via email as I came home fired up to share their story, I realized I was missing quite a bit of necessary information to truly encompass what a miracle the Best Family is so I sought out how to communicate with Jean Claude and before I knew what had happened the Lord was at work again above and beyond my comprehension. See, I thought I might share this story of my one experience, scrounge up a little money, send it off and carry on with my self indulged life….but God had different plans and they are proving to be much greater than mine ~ as ALWAYS! So this introvert found herself landing in front of a microphone time and again as the Lord was providing one open door after another for public speaking opportunities. All divinely perfect situations to share the amazing story of the Best Family, of course. Since I’ve fumbled my way through a few of these opportunities this past August I had been gifted random donations that totaled $100 and thus I Western Unioned that on over to the Best Family whereas they immediately moved me to a place of humbled tears over the depths of their gratitude. Jean Claude expressed beyond measure how this $100 would change so much for these underprivileged children, giving them an opportunity to have a Christmas. So in September another speaking opportunity arose and this time it was to American children, specifically my church Sunday school ~ toughest crowd EVER ~ so you can imagine my rookie speaking skills bombed miserably but I walked away from this valuable lesson challenging the kids from our Sunday School to be extraordinary in their faith for 2 weeks alongside Donny and I. Part of our challenge included raising $5 each during this 2 weeks and at the end we would match the money and send the donation over to the Best Family. Last week, I sent $320 ~ the second donation to the Best Family and I’m going to take the liberty to brag that I’m becoming very well acquainted with this Western Union diva that can not for the life of my sanity spell Jean Claude’s last name correctly until the 5th or 6th try!

So I’m extending this challenge and invitation to all of you as this past weekend's conference has stirred a cold heart to light another fire and just go for the glory. It’s no mystery that I’m on the sliding scale of “broke” by American standards, but with revamped values and reduced excess I’ve found a way to share what I have with those who have NOTHING and I’m learning my little is MORE THAN A LOT!! So to those other previous skeptics out there of donating to big-business organizations, let me tell you now I have the perfect solution for you ~ as grass roots as it can get my friends….the money literally leaves my hand at the Coborn’s Western Union desk and days later I receive a confirmation email from Jean Claude that makes me bawl for hours about how every penny has made it safe and sound directly to him and he shares specifically how each dime will impact every single Best Family child’s life! I LOVE IT! No red tape for this pessimist to worry about, just 50 beautiful children that haunt my dreams day & night, calling us Mum & Dud inspiring me to save every single PENNY I have so I can share my wealth for their survival. Until we get the logistics worked out on a donated laptop computer for the Best Family and the birth of a website to become more official in the status of donor relationships and visual accountability, I'm just throwing this out there for you all to grasp in raw format. If God burdens your heart like He has mine ~ be in touch with me and we can share our pennies together to make an even greater impact knowing beyond doubt EVERY SINGLE PENNY counts. I'm working out the logistics on how to provide tax-deductible receipts for donors who prefer that route, but for those of you who could care less because you can only give the equivalent of pocket change like myself ~ just shoot me an email and we'll go from there: mariatraut@gmail.com. When I say "share your portion" it doesn't limit you to financial donation, if you have connections, ideas and any other helpful tips or useful tactics to help the Best Family grow & flourish ~ truly share your portion with me and I'll see it through to delivery in Rwanda!

Before I close with some beautiful words from Jean Claude, I want to point out one other little tiny story as to how God has woven our two families together...the Minnesotan Traut gang and the Rwandan Best Family. There's not a doubt in my mind, God's larger plan was for us to become one in hearts and spirit as a family before inching this train along on an organized ministry level. Last night my 6 year old son Zach lost his tooth, and this morning when he awoke to a crisp dollar bill underneath his pillow from that wonderful tooth fairy, he came out of his room with a look of excitement and his eyes lit up with child like faith when he handed me the dollar and said "Here mom, I want to give this to the Best Family"...can you see how God is at work here? I almost wasn't strong enough to keep my composure, my heart nearly exploded. I wish we all could "give" like a child can "give".

I want to leave you with the recent email I have received from Jean Claude so you can know for yourselves just how God uses this amazing man to completely RUIN me and reduce me to a pile of tears time and again.

Hello my very very very very great friend!

Our Mum & DUD. On behalf of all children, I thank you so much, you always surprise us. I do't know what I may say or do for you about your very best heart, your goodness, your BIG love especially to us. But I'm praying my GOD to show me what to say and to do. But I'm increasing my Love to the Poor and to the Children because of you. You are my EXAMPLARY( in french : Exemplaire) Who is my example. Please the Children are loving you so much, after receiving the Photos from you and to hear how and what you are doing in your USA to help the Best Family. And they are so happy because their Life and their X-MAS Party will very fine because of the MONEY you sent before. Thanks so Much to those my loved Children in your church, They became the Best Family Members in AMERICA, please Tell them.

Maria, I don't know how to thank you but may GOD bless you and Donny and my brohers(Boston and Zacher) all your family, then your church too. GOD helps you to see, to find whatever you want, to go wherever you want. may GOD fullfil your Pockets and your Properties. I always pray for you and your family. My dear friend Maria BE BLESSED so much and stay with GOD. Know I always tell you every thing, situation and what occurs about Best Family every time I share with you. BYE!

Can you believe God chose us, He chose my small life to mean this much to His precious chosen gems half-way across our globe. The hope I found in the love of Christ that compelled me to go to Africa to share with the abandoned is truly being shared through God's huge outstretched arms back and forth across continents ~ many lives are being shaped and changed by this reciprocal embrace of hope. Most days I still can't believe this is real, and when I imagine how much these children believe in ME I can become overwhelmed with terror at the size of these big shoes, but that's the beauty ~ I don't have the power or ability to change these lives, nor fit in these shoes so I must depend solely on God to use my life and work through lil ole me, one clumsy step at a time. This is His plan unfolding before all of us. When God opens doors I find myself running through with a swollen heart to shout from the mountaintops about my beautiful Best Family. I'm going to end this post with a slide show of all our beautiful Best Family faces captured on "film" that remarkable day in July so check back soon as I'm having technical difficulties at the moment.

Oh how He loves us!

I promise, I'll get back to the missionary stories soon...I TRULY promise! I just HAVE TO SHARE this now. I had an absolutely indescribable past few days with our powerful, magnificent, mighty, love ya till it hurts-so-good God!! I attended an amazing conference where God completely wrecked me all over again ~ which I love! I came home seeking out some particular songs that touched me deeply. Today I found the one song that destroyed me, but attached to this song came a visual message through cardboard signs showing me and you just how God loves us all! And so as always, I have to share!





I could share a million cardboard testimonies, but today I'll share the one that's most important to me.

***************

Sing with me, cry with me, feel with me, learn with me, love Him with me...

....share your "cardboard testimony", leave a comment and share how He loves you!

Time Out!

Okay, before I get to the 2nd post about my beloved Best Family I have to pause this blog YET AGAIN on my missionary heart and share with you a speech that stopped me dead in my tracks today and left me silently astounded by what an amazing gift of life this woman is! I'm not posting this in hopes to spark debate or even show boat my own opinions, because quite honestly I've been in a phase of "refiling" a lot of my dusty old file folders that contain the catalogs of my values, opinions, ideas, morals and dreams and until the cleaning out phase is through, I just soak in whatever the Good Lord has for me so that I can learn to live this life as He intended, dust off every old, overlooked file and place it where He perfectly designed it to be stored.

Well, my stance on this issue was one of those that never made it to the front of the filing cabinet for many years, never passed the judge & jury of my heart nor my brain...until the day I learned my very own sweet baby Boston was destined for this appointment of doom once upon a time.

Then today I received confirmation in my heart as to where I need to file this folder when God led me to this video and opened my eyes for the first time to TRULY see this "issue" as He sees it, and I cried from deep heartache.

So I do as I always do when God inspires me....I share it with all 2 of you who might still read this blog!

Let me "officially" introduce...

The Best Family

It was a sunny afternoon as we arrived at an empty school yard, a place that we were gathering to meet some orphans, and that is all the knowledge I held on this divine appointment. So I walked into this deserted, dusty, dirt school yard looking around for children, and I didn’t see many little faces, just a couple of kids greeted us and soon more would trickle in from here & there and I had not the slightest clue as to the experience I was about to have and how this was a defining moment in my purpose in this life: [Envision the cliché image of two paths in the woods. You know the one where it says “I chose the path less traveled and that has made all the difference” well, in my case it reads more like “God picked me up and set me down on the path less travelled and said; Maria, trust me, this path will make a difference”]….and here I was in Kigali, Rwanda totally oblivious that this was a superior life defining moment that was occurring in my journey. I just thought I was showing up to love on some more precious children and all the while I had Mr. Dimples in the back of my mind and I kept assuring myself not to “fall in love again” like the last place!

So we were introduced to a young man named Jean Claude and he began to humbly enlighten us about one of God’s secretly undiscovered diamond’s known as his “organization” named The Best Family. As many children had gathered by this time (news spreads quickly throughout the neighborhoods when albino’s like ourselves show up) we gathered inside one school room intermingled amongst some of the most beautiful children, all settling in to embrace a powerful touch by the hand of God.

I remember as I sat on the wooden bench next to one of the most painfully shy and simultaneously striking little girl my eyes have ever beheld(pictured above ~ yes, more dimples), I of course DID fall in love all over again. Something else occurred in this moment that I could not deny, I immediately sensed the Holy Spirit. This was not like my previous encounters or “urgings” from the Spirit to react to a situation (such as the man I prayed for in Ethiopia), this was a physical presence that I not only felt inside but outside, this energy filled the entire room and the only way I can describe it is to say that it felt like God’s immense joy. The spiritual reaction in my soul could only define this moment as if it were to be comparable to witnessing God’s own smile with my very two eyes. Can you IMAGINE! There was an intensity that I can not describe coursing through my veins, dancing in my soul and skipping beats inside my heart. I remember as I listened to Nyanja, Samuel and Jean Claude…(oh yes, we soon learned that our very own Samuel plays a vital role in the Best Family!)



I literally looked around the room for a physical manifestation of God’s presence, the feelings inside me were so extreme that I thought my eyes might witness a miracle. A momentary thought occurred to me as I was seeking a sign of God in our physical realm…The faces I am seeing, the eyes that meet mine, the hands that I am holding; they are the physical manifestation of God’s presence! I didn’t need to see a miracle from God, I was looking right in the face of nearly 50 of His miracles. I knew in an instant I was among greatness in this moment, inside this dusty school room, packed into tiny wooden benches, with old wooden windows propped open to let the Lord’s light shine in. Something deep and powerful told me every one of these lives I was sharing were to be revolutionary in changing the future. God had gifted me the opportunity to stand beside him in his studio, hold his paint brush, share in his visionary masterpiece and possibly blend some brush strokes with my own life onto His Rwandan canvas contributing to the work of art He has planned for every child’s life in that room. Let me confirm to you, the 13 of us on this independent mission trip to Africa found themselves sitting in this classroom, immersed in God’s very own "Best Family" not by coincidence, BUT, by absolute, flawless, purposeful, heavenly design. I knew that from the moment my backside hit the bench, long before I knew any details of this phenomenal ministry and I can confirm it beyond doubt with the occurrences in my life since I’ve returned home. God and I both are hanging on tightly to Rwanda, for dear life, as we both know that is where a huge piece of our soul’s live.

Have you ever had that moment where you felt so content and perfectly at peace in a situation that you felt like it was an imaginary moment, too good to be true? That is what I felt inside this classroom as I was sitting next to that young girl pictured above, listening to her struggle for the right English words to piece together a broken sentence sharing with me her heart’s deepest desire would be to learn to play guitar “some day”. This is where I grabbed onto God’s graciously extended hand and gladly leaped onto that “path less traveled” with eagerness and knew with every fiber of my being…this is why God created me….and assuredly as He promised [us all], if I stay on {this path} my little life WILL make a big difference. I felt at home and comfortable in my own skin for nearly the first time in my life while in Africa and that alone is confirmation enough for me to know that God’s plan far surpass my own.

So while sitting in this classroom what did I learn, who is this amazing “Best Family” I speak of? Well, it’s my honor to have the privilege to share with you right now the history and purpose of this ministry started by four absolutely remarkable genocide survivors. Jean Claude, Emmanuel, Salomon and David (now 23yrs of age) started this ministry when they were poor, broken, abandoned, young teen boys who were left with nothing but their hope. The survival of Hell’s fiery grasp on their country for 100 days of gruesome death changed these boys at a core level as young children and as the four of them grew older together they vowed to one another to never let others suffer like they have known suffering; This was God's defining moments of birth for what would become a new family built by His own hand. Soon they began to recognize many other children who were suffering as the impoverished result of a war stricken country, living as orphans (genocide or AIDS related) and street children, they began to take in other children into their “family” and along with this provide all the care necessary for each and every one of them. By the work of their 4 dedicated lives they began to take in more & more children advocating for them in every aspect imaginable; housing, food, clothing, education, medical needs and most importantly in their eyes, faith and Godly mentorship. By 2004 Jean Claude had a strong calling to become a legal representative(at 19yrs old!) and use his life to advocate for all these children he had become responsible for…thus the Best Family Association was formed in legal fashion under Rwandan law with Jean Claude as president and his 3 closest “founding members” and best friends as his supporting (volunteer) staff. For seven years these 4 extraordinary young men have been surviving all on their own by the grace of God as the responsible caretakers of 50 children ranging in age from 3yrs to 21yrs. The little 3 year old orphan is so precious I could carry him in my pocket for the rest of my life, see for yourself:

As God allows, Jean Claude and his 3 friends provide for these children and it still amazes me to this day how they find ways to make “ends meet” and not leave any of these children homeless and hungry. For years they have been operating in this manner and then God stepped in and open a door, that’s where the 13 of us Americans walked in, and for the first time in the 7 years of their existence the Best Family was introduced to “outsiders” and their ministry was recognized and even more importantly their NEEDS for survival and growth have been made known to someone other than the child members of this family. Someone in a position to possibly have easy access to life-giving tools that could forever change the course of 50+ lives. Someone whose change from their pockets could make all the difference. Do you have any idea how it feels to recognize your standing in the shoes of that very “someone”?! It’s terrifyingly humbling and awe inspiring that much I can say.

Jean Claude’s latest email sharing the entire history of the birth of the Best Family has enlightened me in many ways and stolen my heart above and beyond my original first hand experience. Barely knowing any specifics about the Best Family, one desire remained true through all the days since I’ve had the pleasure of meeting them; God has a purpose in my life to use me in some way to help the Best Family and by God’s will I may be so lucky to call myself and extended member of this family one day. I have never met so many children who are beautiful beyond description. Their faith is astonishingly PURE and I long to abandon myself in the Lord’s arms like they so easily do. God is using these young lives to teach me how to be the Christian He dreams we all would be, showing me with human lives what FAITH looks like. These children are holding the almighty jackpot my friends; God is their most prize possession and they’ve learned far beyond anything else He is all they truly need. It’s obvious in the light that shines through their eyes, the smile that bursts from their faces, the energy and life in their prayers, the joy in their voices at the mention of His name…it’s so obvious not even I could miss it.

As we sat in that classroom learning all about these amazing men and the precious lives they have saved and gently polished into shining gems, I struggled to understand what was unfolding in our vastly different lives, from separate continents yearning to mold our futures together and wondering how on earth to do so. It wouldn’t be long for a clarifying moment to present itself for me. When it came to the point in the “meeting” where we asked the kids if they had any questions for us after patiently sitting for over an hour, one little boy shared that it was his dream to go to school so he could grow up to help people just like The Best Family has helped him. Nope, he doesn’t want to be a professional athlete, a rockstar, a millionaire or some other typical American dream…he wants to save the orphan, he wants to give his life back to those who are just like him. What a gift it was for my ears to hear his shy little voice spout with honor he has dreams of this magnitude. Seconds later another amazing little 8-9yr old boy stood up and asked us the question of a lifetime “When you go home to America, will you remember us? Will you still help us?” It was as if my heart stopped beating as the last sound rolled off his precious tiny tongue. It took all my might to fight back the tears. I wanted to shout “of course we will” but how could I promise that without knowing truly if I would be accountable. It was as though God was sharing with us the importance of His plan through the mouth of a tiny child who couldn't possibly understand the power in those words he just spoke. God had brought us this far, showed us a private viewing of His canvas, which undoubtedly has some of the most beautiful images I’ve ever seen painted in glorious colors, now it's our turn to hold the paint brush, just as if God was standing there handing me the brush staring into the depths of my eyes = will YOU remember how to make a lasting brush stroke? Will we continue on with God's plan? Someone in our group responded with the question “What do you want or need us to do? How can we help?” and their answer blew me away, they didn’t ask for supplies, food, money, clothes, not one tangible item…they said: “just don’t forget us, tell people about us and share our dreams”….I wished they knew how there was no way on this earth I could ever fathom forgetting them!!

It has been my greatest pleasure since the day I’ve returned to Minnesota to share my life altering experience with an organization that says all it needs to simply by it’s title “The Best Family”. At the very least, I will continue to share their story and their dream because on that day God planted a seed in my soul and made it my dream too for these children to have a hope and a future. I long desperately to be a member of The Best Family and I hope I can find others who want to join this family too. I came home from Rwanda committed to living out my word to these children who have inspired me, changed me, enriched my life beyond measure. It’s the least I can do to help them grow in any way possible! It was God’s plan for us, in Rwanda, to come home gloriously ruined by The Best Family.

So for now, I’ll sign off with the very last words I have received from Jean Claude as he emailed the members of our team last night:

“Let us love each other as JESUS loved us”

God truly speaks to me through the beautiful broken English of Rwandan fingers and as always Jean Claude teaches me as he shares scripture that is on his heart. Every time the perfect verses inspire me to the point of tears, thank you God for enriching my life and filling my cup to overflowing through the grace of sharing with me your precious Best Family.

“The Blessing of the Lord brings wealth, without painful toil for it.” Proverbs 10:22 (courtesy of Jean Claude)

This is simply my introduction to the Best Family…to justly encompass this experience I’ll need a few posts to capture and savor every single second. After I share all that took place while in Rwanda, I will share all that has taken place since I’ve been home and let you all see the beauty of God’s masterpiece as it’s being painted one brush stroke at a time by many aspiring artists.

Perfect Timing!

The inspiration to blog about my next adventure in Rwanda, a day that has changed the course of my life every hour since, is rapidly rising inside my soul and ready to bubble over like a boiling kettle on gramma's stovetop. Yesterday I was just enthused beyond description and deeply feeling the soul ties I have to Rwanda. I thought once I arrived home from work I'd find time to sit down at the computer and lose myself deep into the passionate heavenly beats of my heart I call "The Best Family" but minute after minute escaped me and soon my night was long gone and there was no time. FINALLY the excitement has returned the moment has arrived for me to reconnect the bond that felt so distant weeks ago. It's come in full force and when I arrived to my email inbox this morning, I seen the missing pieces of this puzzle that I so desperately needed to truly advocate for my dearest Best Family was here, awaiting me kindly from Jean Claude like a divinely wrapped gift sent in God's perfect timing straight to my inbox. Now I know without doubt why I didn't find that spare minute last night or any day the past 2-3 weeks to begin this blog post ~ it was premature and now I say with honor...the time has come for me to reveal an amazing gem coming from the streets of Rwanda, like no other story I have had the privilege of hearing, seeing or dare to imagine be present to share living in. It's a God kind of story that no matter where you stand in your faith journey, God will touch you through these lives I'm about to reveal and share ~ for these children and young men are what legends are made of and God uses lives such as theirs because humility and blind faith are their greatest virtues! He uses the weak to make Him strong!

So today I begin my long, long, long over-do quest of capturing the nail biting, heart palpitating, tear jerking, soul quaking experience I had inside an empty school room with God's magnificent few. The very lives that have redefined my values, my purpose and my dreams in this short time I have here on earth. The very lives that God has knitted into my heart's purpose for beating. The very lives that I have been overwhelmed, undereducated and blindly fumbling along sharing their story, opening doors and hearts along the way as God has graciously designed to use me and my idiosyncrasies to try and move mountains on their behalf!

TODAY!!! I dance like a child in the aisles of Toys R Us for the moment has finally arrived and it tickles my soul with delight! TODAY! ~ I begin to document this as justly as possible with my meager words and see where God leads us all from there! Did ya hear me ~ I said TODAY'S THE DAY!!

Stay tuned...it most likely with be a very, very long post so I will be back with all the amazing details once I've confined them to words, sentences & paragraphs!

When God Answers...

can you hear Him? I just wanted to jump on here quickly to celebrate how He whispers sweet nothing's into my ear when I need to hear Him most and I fall head over heals in love with this God of ours in brand new fashion each morning.

I've been struggling again as of late and obviously as you've all witnessed too busy to tend to my blogging and my African heart. I look at my African heart placed on the shelf, as the dust collects so do the tears, for I'd rather my heart beats for Africa than for American chaos most days. I have one of the most important stories of our entire journey to share next and I'm procrastinating again, until I can find a silent moment to revel in the memories and be consumed by emotions. I want most of all for this blog to do justice to the one blessings that God used to gloriously ruin my heart and kick start my passion for ministering to Rwanda's beautifully precious people. Time is short these days both at home & work so I haven't had a still moment in many weeks. But I will share soon....for now, I give you this preview and hopefully by the end of this week you'll know just how precious this answered prayer is to me.

On my journey into work this morning I was feeling bogged down, carrying a heavy load of unnecessary garbage again and feeling the exhaustion that comes along with trying to fight the good fight all on my own. So I told myself on my extended morning commute (which I had been previously GRIPING about for the past week thanks to construction delays) that maybe God is giving me extra time to call on Him each morning and realize I'm not supposed to be fighting the good fight ~ ON MY OWN, darn control issues! Now that my commute extended from 20 minutes to 45 minutes, I finally gave way to my stubbornness and welcomed this revelation on this morning's drive. When I jumped in the car this AM crabby, late, rushing and in a complete fluster I told myself to stop in for a hot chocolate and demanded I learn to enjoy this 45 minutes instead of racing in frustration like all last week. See for a busy fool like myself, often my car ride to & from work is the ONLY time I dedicate to Jesus, singing, praying, rambling on and on, whining, whatever...just good ole Maria + Jesus time...no cell phone, no garbage news, no kiddies hollering, no distractions. This time has grown more & more precious to me every day and on days when life is so busy I can barely catch my breath ~ I live for quiet moments in the car that can not be avoided no matter how crazy my day is...it still takes at least "20 minutes" to drive from point A to point B when you live in Buckman.

These days I've been struggling to find that connection and that dedicated time just for God ~ I long to feel the intensity and beauty of knowing God is with me always and feel His touch on my life in magical butterflies in my belly kind of ways. Today I put my foot down on my pesimitic attitude and said "Maybe God is giving you extra time to call on Him since you so obviously need it to work outta this funk you have going on, girl!"....and on my way to work this AM it took me all 45 of those minutes to get to my "good place" and stomp out the negativity that was ruling my mind. Once I reached that good place a thought crossed my mind and I pondered the ultimate gift I could receive from God this morning and as the thought came to me my heart instantly giggled with delight; I dreamed of an email from my Rwandan friend Jean Claude who I have not heard from in 2 weeks. I thought, if only I could hear from him, I could drift back to Rwanda again and God can help prepare me for my big, big, big Rwandan presentation to our Sunday School kids coming this week and my ever-so-important blog post about Jean Claude and his amazing life.

Know what I found this morning when I checked my email, an answered prayer! A greeting from Jean Claude, yet another amazing Rwandan soul that has changed me from the inside out. He cherishes me(and my family) as if I hold the world in my hands while ministering in the tiny, little, very miniscule ways I can to him and his "Best Family" back in Rwanda. Little does he know how he truly ministers TO ME with each beautiful, prayerful, simplistic, scripture filled, broken-english, God sent email. There's not one single doubt God uses Jean Claude and "The Best Family" to nourish my soul just as he's using me, Donny and our family to nourish their kindred souls. It's quite the beautiful woven thread of hearts, homes, families and faith when God stands in the gap.

Our latest correspondence was Jean Claude asking to know more about my family so His prayers could certainly include my WHOLE family. (These Rwandan's are PRAYER WARRIORS let me tell you!) So two weeks ago I shared my family dynamics in Rwandan fashion ~ including my parents, siblings, in-laws, grandparents and of course precious two boys. I sent pictures of Boston and Zach as Jean Claude eagerly requested I share photos. His response today was sharing more information about his own family:

Here I send you the pictures of my mother, my young brother(Adolfe) and I. Another of some of my Best Family children. Adolfe was very happy to see his brothers(Boston and Zach). Greet them, adolfe said.

And in a second email shortly thereafter he began with this:

How are your PARENTS and Adolphe's brothers(Boston and Zach) and your church family and the children of your church? my GOD leads their life as I wish deeply! and we greet them so much. Adolfe was very happy to know you (I explain to him). Greet his brothers and the children of your church. adolfe said.

And my heart danced because of this answered prayer ~ the best possible medicine I could've received God delivered a mighty dose just in time!! I am blessed!

Soon you will know all about Jean Claude, this "Best Family" I speak of and how God used them to gloriously ruin me!! Soon!

Dwell from the well of wisdom

Mr. Dimples

This entry is a hard one for me to write, so I have been procrastinating. Mostly because I’ve come to a place of exhaustive grief and my heart is building up walls of protection against my painful memories putting distance between my heart and this unparalleled day that took place in Rwanda. A day that haunts me every moment of my existence, if I don’t purposely shut it out. So it takes a lot of strength for me to willingly go back here now to share this with you all.


We began our Saturday morning, July 12th, by visiting the Mother Teresa Orphanage in Kigali, Rwanda. We were under the impression this was a very hard place to receive an invitation from so only 2 or 3 of us were going to “tour” and the rest would wait outside. As I prepared to wait outside, I decided to capture some of these great images around us:




Since I felt I had no personal ties to Rwanda, I declined the opportunity to give others a chance that had deep desires to experience this orphanage. As we arrived at the entrance of the Mother Teresa Home to our complete surprise the Sister invited us ALL to come in. Here was a divine appointment unfolding before my eyes and I didn’t have any clue at that moment, when I stepped inside their steel door that this single experience would be THE ONE that would totally annihilate my tiny world, devastate my naive heart and completely break me. Mostly because I wouldn’t know this until I had to leave Rwanda and even-more-so when I returned home.

We were informed we would not be visiting the tiny babies in the nursery for fear of germs, so we marched down the cold, dark, cement hall following our ‘tour guide’. The first room we were ushered into was the infant room where all the babies from about 6 months – 12 months slept. My eyes instantly wanted to shrink back into my skull, my lids wanted to slam shut and not look, it hurt to see so many indescribable sullen expressions, desolate eyes, heartache and pain plastered across their dirty little faces, these were babies with no smiles. The room was overloaded with tiny iron cribs shoved in as tightly as possible reminiscent of a child’s prison, up to 4 sweet babies crowded into each 2’ x 3’ rusty, iron crib. It took all the power I had inside not to lose my composure and just weep from heartache so profound it stung my heart with each beat like a hornet’s piercing stinger. I was overwhelmed and unprepared to witness what devastation was staring back at me, so I did the only thing I could do. I started at the first crib and began to pick up every lifeless baby body and hold each one trying to pour out this love from my heart so they could at least for a moment be cuddled, nurtured, treasured, cherished and loved like God had intended when He created their beautiful lives. When I reached the 4th crib or so, I immediately connected with an amazing face. A sparkling glimmer in his infinite brown eyes reached right out and grabbed my undivided attention. He reached up to me (as every child did ~ desperate to be chosen for a moment of love, desperate to be held) and I picked his chubby little body up and I was greeted with a warm magnetic SMILE. I have no clue what his actual age is but he was comparable to the size of my own sweet baby Boston, around 6-8 months old would be my guess for American standards (so he was probably over a year old). He had the brightest smile that could drown you in happiness just from a shared grin. He had the most indescribably captivating dimples that pierced his chubby cheeks with perfection and lured my heart in like a baited fishing line. Beyond his physical beauty that was mesmerizing me, was his unspeakable charisma that truly did me in. I gave my naïve heart to Mr. Dimples and I spent every remaining second I had basking in my love affair with this sweet little man. I could not bare to break away from him. All I have of my sweet child is the memories he gave me of his gorgeous smile and raspy giggle. Images of him mimicking my movements as I shook my head in a ridiculous fashion making silly noises ~ he instantly copied my head shake back & forth as if we were saying “no no” to each other. I blew raspberries on his cheek and he wiggled with delight in my arms. He carefully inspected my lips as they were puckered up ready for another raspberry attack. His tiny fingers would run across my lips so softly then he’s burst out in anxious giggles flashing those to-die-for dimples again, yanking on my heartstrings with all his might. He caressed my cheek with tenderness. He held my finger tightly as if to assure me never to let him go as we interacted with one another. He would gracefully shift from a pondering gaze inspecting every ounce of me to a spontaneous smile stretching from ear to ear in which his eyes would just radiate with joy. He embraced me with the same love my own sweet baby would. I barely had the strength to let him go and I didn’t know I’d give my heart away to a sweet chubby devilishly handsome dimpled little man at the Mother Teresa home in Kigali, Rwanda ~ that was never in my ‘plan’. Still, in this moment, I didn’t know I had completely abandoned my heart and left it behind in his cramped little crib for him to keep, I didn’t realize this in its entirety until it was too late. I fought to hold back my tears and a few slipped by me as our time together came to an end. We were quickly ushered out of the baby room as it was time for naps. I ache from a place so deep I can’t find words to describe it nor the physical ability to stop it when I remember the only moments I had with Dimples.

The Sister hosting our tour wanted us to ‘move on’ to spend some time with the older toddlers that were just outside the doors enjoying some play time on the cement slab. These children were all of “walking age”, I’d guess from 2-5 years old. The moment we stepped foot out the doors a stampede of desperately abandoned children erupted. I have never experienced anything similar to this physical of an encounter with the heartache of an emotionally neglected life. The children clung onto us as if their grasp was for dear life and they refused to let go at any cost. I was holding a child in each arm, while I had one clinging to each leg crying out to me to be held too. I can tell you the heart of any human sinks into depression in the face of such a massive tragedy, but the heart of a mother is trampled beneath the feet of these desperate souls as they stampede upon you aching for attention. I lost my mind when trying to fathom how I could truly love each one of these children as they needed to be loved in the mere minutes I had to do this. The kind of love and affection, attention, compassion and relationship they were grasping for at any cost, was beyond my capability and it broke my heart. I tried to be as equal as possible reaching to hold every single dirty, clingy, crying, urine soaked little body I could possibly pick up. Two little boys caught my attention as they desperately gripped each other shrieking in terror. I sought out Nyanja for help thinking these poor boys must have been scared to death of white people. I asked Nyanja to try to sooth them, as she approached them they screamed with fright and cried even louder from utter terror. They held onto one another so tightly, it was the absolute most heart wrenching sight to see two innocent babes ranging from 2-3 years old absolutely frozen from fear and knowing there was no way to ease their painful terror. Nyanja asked the Sister about the two boys and she shared that they had just been “found” a week or two prior to our visit and they spent all their time clutching one another and crying EVERY SINGLE DAY since their arrival. My heart just sank, falling onto the cement floor and breaking in agony. Before long it was time for us to move beyond this section of our “tour” and we were forced to part ways with the children. This was not an easy task. The children instantly knew we were leaving and they all flocked to us, I had about 5-6 trying to climb onto me all of them frantically crying, gripping my arms, legs, clothes whatever they could hold and refusing to let go. I pried them off of me best I could while trying not to lose my composure. It was my deepest heart ache in this moment to push these children away, peel them off me, pry their fingers away from my clothes and leave them behind physically denying them of their pleas for love and affection. I was not strong enough emotionally or physically to accomplish this and I ended up asking for help from the Sisters to take the children off me. It was simply too hard.

Next we were led down some cement stairs into an area where the mentally ill, physically handicapped and elderly were all grouped together eating lunch. It was an indescribably hard sight for me to articulate with words. I’m choosing not to indulge any further on this portion as it mostly just made me uncomfortable to see human lives treated with less dignity than our pets. It was nearly the breaking point for me inside the walls of this Mother Teresa home to take in all of this at once.

As our visit was coming to an end I had the chance to engage in a conversation with the Sister and Nyanja and for the first time I learned that the children here WERE adoptable. I presumed they were not and just thought that to be a fact of all Mother Teresa Orphanages. Instantly my heart skipped a beat as my lil Dimples raced through my mind like a spinning record. I wanted so badly to find out more about him, realizing I never EVEN ASKED HIS NAME, so I had no way to inquire about whether he was adoptable or not. I wrestled with my mind and my heart thinking I should demand to know more about my baby and yet I told myself not to let my heart get ahead of me. I had not spoken to Donny about the possibility of adoption, I thought for certain my next child would be a little girl, I thought I never had an interest in adopting from Rwanda and I surely didn’t want to give false hope of future adoption interest to this Sister when in fact I had no clue what was going on inside this tornado in my brain. YET, it bothered me deeply that I didn’t know anything about Mr. Dimples and he was just feet away from me inside the building napping!! If only I could TURN BACK TIME! I told Nyanja I wanted to ask about the baby I held when we first arrived, I asked if I could go back and show the sister which baby I was speaking of to learn more about him ~ at the very least I need his name. I don’t know if Nyanja didn’t translate my URGENCY or what happened but the conversation was blown off, we were escorted out the door and I just sat back passively and let that be the end of it. As if that was my “no” and I could go about my way content in the fact that “I tried” and it just “wasn’t possible”.

When I came home and held my baby Boston in my arms is when it truly hit me with full force as to what I had done ~ or “not” done for that matter. While in Rwanda I rationalized in my mind that I fell for Mr. Dimples because the way he looked at me reminded me of my own baby at home. Whereas I told you many weeks ago when I posted the video of the song about Rwanda; the line from that song splashes my pain all over the floor like spilt milk:

“I saw my son in a little boy's eyes”

What you don’t understand though is that those words ring true for me in all possible context. When I came home and looked into Boston’s eyes I seen Mr. Dimples staring back at me. Within days of being home Boston began to learn the same mimicking trick of shaking his head “no” and I immediately lost my composure as I cried in pain over Mr. Dimples. As I rock Boston to sleep at night and he touches my lips with the same tenderness of Mr. Dimples, I silently weep, my heart aches at the realization of the fact that was MY baby in Rwanda. Just as God led me to Zachary and Boston, my two sons ~ He led me to Mr. Dimples. It explains why my baby’s remind me of one another, for they are both meant to be my children ~ a mother always recognizes her own child’s eyes. God was calling to me and I was ignoring him, my brain was fighting my heart and my heart lost. So now I’m faced with another lesson that God has graciously helped me embrace. The grief of a mother who had to leave her child behind. In essence I have come to terms with this grief as best I can and realize I have been given a rare opportunity to see through the eyes of a birthmother. Which in all honesty is how God took my disobedience and turned it into a gift. I have learned to love my two sons at a different depth and honor their birthparents much higher than I already was because I see and share their pain to some degree. I grieve the loss of Mr. Dimples every day, not one day goes by he doesn’t find his way into my memory. It’s a loss that I chose to have and so I wrestle with the emotions that come as a consequence of a hard decision. A choice I felt I had no other option in making. Now I can love my two children knowing and feeling the sacrifice that was made for me to be gifted the role of motherhood. I no longer have to imagine their birthmother’s pain, for a moment in time I shared the shoes of a mother who had to say goodbye to her child even though her heart cried out in love to keep him close. Don’t think for one second I don’t fantasize about returning to Rwanda to find my dimply man as I know without doubt I will recognize his eyes if ever I’m gifted the opportunity to see him again. This wish upon a star dream is what keeps my hope alive and prevents my grief from consuming me. I find solace in praying to our Lord for a second chance and I await for God to open the doors and let this miracle unfold. In reality I know it would take an all out miracle by the hand of God for us to find Mr. Dimples. Yet, I reminisce about the miracles that have already unfolded in my life leading me to my sons Zachary and Boston and I have faith that anything is possible. So I’m left with my pain, grief and heartache over the child I lost, but I’m also left with my gratitude, humility and honor for the children I have been gifted. I don’t truly know how to end this post because I sincerely hope this story doesn’t end here, I hope one day to finish this memory with the miracle that Mr. Dimples deserves to have ~ a family, our family. So until God speaks, this story is “to be continued”.