Maria on a Mission

Africa missions anyone?

2010-07-13T13:38:00.000-07:00

I just have to share this opportunity with y'all!

http://freeafricatrip.com/?fbid=yuykj5tw3b-

A FREE trip to Africa! Doesn't it make your heart skip a beat with excitement? Does mine!!

Still living!

2010-06-25T09:38:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to put a quick post on here that I am still alive, and I know this blog still exists horribly neglected by me. God is and has been doing great things in my life that I would love nothing more than to chronicle and share in full details for and all 2 followers, if you haven't packed your bags and moved on long ago!

For now, I wanted to put an update on here that God is moving & shifting some big stuff in our lives though it's all in premature form right now so I'm not going to give testimony until the journey has time to mature into fruition and we're walking out the new path God is giving our family to embark upon.

When this testimony is given, I may start to use this blog more frequently to chronicle the new way God has chosen to reveal Himself to me and the newest chapter that is opening in my life of seeking His presence daily. Hopefully this blog will become used to a fuller degree in the months to come!

My "For the Love" Encounter

2010-02-22T12:39:00.000-08:00

Through hell & high water, okay…more like flight cancellations & a foot of snow (which resembles the first scenario to this solo traveler) I arrived in the Smokey Mountains to embark upon a God designed photography workshop! SWEET, I totally new I was leaving this place a rockstar photographer, especially after meeting the rockstar teachers!! Hallelujah, no more flying blind behind the camera lens depending solely upon those happy accidents!

The first morning together we enjoyed some of the most powerful worship I have encountered in my time here on earth, only a handful of times have I felt the presence of the Lord that tangibly thick in a room and heavy upon my heart like a pile of Glory that could smoosh ya! I was in HEAVEN! During this worship I felt the Lord place a word on my heart that He wanted me to share with my new friends. I felt His burning heart to reach out and touch every single child of His that sat in that room; He wanted to lavish love on everyone like they had not known before and He wanted to use each one of us as His hands and feet to do it. Oh man, what an amazing vision to receive but God surely had picked the wrong wimp to release it to…because the moment I heard my Father’s heart cry, I was overcome with a fear that I have never known before; all consuming! This moment made my journey with fear prior to this trip feel like small potatoes in comparison to the lump I was now trying to swallow, did God really want me to SPEAK OUT LOUD! Oh the HORROR, even though I have done it before and obviously lived…I still couldn’t breathe from the sheer terror! [That was not in my wallflower plans, I came here to hide in the background and write millions of pages of notes on Photography!] The enemy tried to help me find every scapegoat in the book to assure me, that certainly in my introverted preference I could just stay quiet, blend in with the knotty pine and keep it simple. After all with my deaf ears that can’t truly define the Father’s voice there was no need to risk getting it all wrong and stand up to share my heart in front of 25+ people only to be a total fool. Pouring my soul out was risky and felt absurd when I assured myself the word was probably, really only for lil ole me anyway, just a friendly reminder from Him…surely no need to walk up to that microphone. So the moment passed as I rationalized myself out of the idea and later I timidly approached Ginny, the amazing leader of this workshop about the Lord putting something on my heart and she gave me permission to share whatever I felt led to. Awesome! No really, awesomely TERRIFYING because at that moment the fear quadrupled! IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE TO BE THIS SCARED OVER SOMETHING SO SIMPLE?!?

At the first teaching session I knew I earned my “money’s worth” of photo gold…I learned so much about the nuts & bolts of photography and received a huge revelation that I totally knew nothing about my camera and was using it backwards(painfully humbling to recognize this in the midst of amazingly talented photographers!). Thankfully Lauren helped our class set their camera’s to some fundamentally essential settings…and instantly I was in over my head, staring at a machine I no longer recognized and couldn’t maneuver with any sort of natural ease! Time to get to know this thing all over again! My information retaining tank hit the ‘full’ mark before this retreat barely even began. Oh goodness, this was exactly the crash course I was looking for…if only my brain would cooperate in soaking it in! {BTW: I’m internally celebrating…Donny’s going to be so excited, I’m learning SOO MUCH!} And the teaching progressed to explode my expectations! There is nothing more powerful than a teaching that contains the very testimony of God’s heart when He reveals His will for your life and you receive it, such was the spirit that oozed out of Erik’s teachings….it was in that moment that something started to stir in me, something I couldn’t put my finger on, but my spirit was right there hanging on every anointed word. Did I mention, I’m making some indescribable new friendships as each hour passes, yes I am.

By day 3 (4 worship sessions later still fearfully holding my ground not to speak) I’m noticing a really sweet presence of a spirit of His love just falling down one snowflake at a time blanketing us up on these mountains like the fresh 5 inches that literally trapped us upon that mountain top for the week. Yet a few issues still managed to fester amongst this easy, relaxed setting, I remained absolutely frozen stiff, paralyzed by fear from what the Lord released to me the first day to share and was trying my best to just ignore it and find a rational reason to do so! I was forcing all energy to be totally focused on soaking in every photography detail possible, after all that’s WHY I’M HERE, but by this time I started to see myself from the perspective of a fly on the wall watching myself fumble through the photography piece of this workshop and I’m noticing odd things here & there that I am consciously dismissing on purpose; like the fact that numerous times I walked away uninterested in a conversation people were engage in about business related facts, or if people were sharing great websites to help develop your business I happen to just peruse along my merry way uninvolved. By this time I had fully taken notice I had not expressed one iota of interest in wedding related photography (which was an underlying theme due to the majority being primarily in this business), which of course totally soaked me with another dose of fear. Though I totally aware with all subconsious and consious attention of the spiritual battle within that began the first morning and that part of my journey was keeping me really busy.

During the 3rd day I came to a point where I couldn’t hold the burden on my heart any longer and the Lord allowed me just enough courage to seek out the wisdom of Walt; Ginny’s amazing brother, who was her cohort in the incredible worship. And Walt spoke life into me, the very life I needed, the Lord released revelation, lifted veils and I started to see with different eyes; eyes not masked with fear goggles! During this awesome fellowship with Walt I came to a solid concretely conscious awareness that I was totally missing out on some stellar photography training to be abandoned in my conversation about my beloved Jesus, but I couldn’t bear to break away because I love more than anything to share & hear about Jesus and the life that was budding inside me superseded my desire to have this once in a million chance to learn hands on from real professional photographers. What on earth was happening here?

That evening during our opportunity to worship together I felt a deep desire to just be finished with this epic war of fear and all its torment. Although once we began to sing I felt it come on me literally like a cold breeze, it started to cripple me from the toes up, I literally started losing feeling in my legs. A few times I tried to move my feet with no success to bring myself to that petrifying microphone and speak. I held my bible open to Isaiah 61:3, the promise, my promise, our promise, His promise…I clenched that thing tight like a child clinging to her papa’s leg in terror. Then a moment arose where Ginny said the beginning phrase of the same word I was holding in my heart, proclaiming the Lord wanted us to pray for each other and in that moment a Holy courage arose over me I knew it was time to move now or forever regret this missed opportunity to share what’s on my heart and my legs walked ME right up to that microphone by their very own selves…and I did as I always do in front of “big” crowds [I know, it was 20 some people get over it right…well it looked like 20 thousand through my eyes!]. I stood there shaking like a leaf, nudging up to that horrifying microphone, speaking through my terror and I bawled. Yep, bawled like a little baby. I absolutely just hate that I can’t speak without the bawling part…weird, but to you be the blubbering glory Lord, every tear & snot stream, it’s all for you God, glamorous I know.

So I did it ~ faced the fear and I shared my heart, the most vulnerable place I could go, sharing the greatest fundamental, long-lasting river of life-giving revelation the Lord has sewn into me through Isaiah 61…I bared my soul in just a few short sentences, and the moment I opened my mouth it poured outta me, all of it, every word just came fumbling out through my trembling lips, through my sniffing clogged nasal passages I finally learned to embrace my weakness as a blubbering mess with no speaking skills because I knew this risk was worth it. In this moment I had an encounter with Jesus, suddenly I focused my attention all upon Him, [so I hope in retrospect that what was coming out of my mouth actually made sense because it was not coming from my ‘working’ brain], I was struck in awe by the presence of my Father sweeping over this place with His indescribably beautiful, intentional, personalized, overwhelming love only He can lavish. I watched something awesome occur as I had that fly on the wall perspective once again for just a moment, I saw the hands & feet of Jesus Christ began to move and we loved on one another in prayer and support and tears and hugs in every single way Jesus would die on a cross to have the chance to do to us Himself. And I seen orphan spirits become adopted sons & daughters. And I feel so deeply that we grew into His family in that moment, no longer photographers or new friends or fellow Christians…we were one thing in unison; His children receiving His love as part of His family, chosen by Him = adopted. Oh how this encounter just overflows my spirit with the purpose that I’ve been designed to fill! It was phenomenal, there was a substantial change in the spiritual atmosphere, freedom was released because where the Spirit is there is always freedom. The presence of a greater love stayed and never left this place. Not like any of my other experiences in this type of an encounter with God’s spiritual presence…It didn’t stop when worship was over, it didn’t fade as teachings began, it didn’t subside when the schedule became busy, it didn’t dissipate when obstacles arose, it didn’t grow distant through the [short] night hours…it stayed, in tangible form, love remained, LOVE REMAINED and we just abided in that love and He did all the work in us and through us, changing lives.

As my gracious God longs to do…he gave me one more encounter before I could truly, fully embrace the revelation that I came to while seeking His face at this workshop. Our 4th day together, I found myself wandering into the kitchen like a stray cat, letting my three new southern mama’s love on me and I began to share my spiritual journey with them. We shared about our mutual love for Jesus and I was lost in this soul-fulfilling joy, a mother’s heart lavishing support and encouragement upon me, cheering for my ever-hungry chase after that beautiful Jesus and ensuring me to keep running toward Him. I had the divine privilege to dote over my love for Africa, my beloved Best Family and the orphans that have forever changed my life…and everything else faded into the nonexistent background…even the fact that the whole crew was outside learning all sorts of super important camera lighting tricks (one of the primary lessons I came to learn here) and I was engaged in sharing my love for Jesus, yet again…missing out on some much needed teaching and I couldn’t tear myself away from Him. And so I knew, in my heart that He had shown me what I came desiring to discover, but it was not the answer I had imagined I’d receive. In all honesty actually what I had realized more-so was what photography shoe did “not” fit and there was still a little gray area left for the photography unknown because I was too scared to embrace the real answer He had given me.

So the final night arrived and people are sharing some absolutely amazing stories about what the Lord has done in their life over the course of one week and my spirit is buzzing with fire from the power of their testimony. Personally, I felt like I was pretty sure I knew what route to go when I came home, I certainly knew what I was NOT going to do, but felt like there was more yet to discern, stones unturned, things left to seek. When the sharing started to taper off, I suddenly felt this urge to share what God had revealed to me, yet I totally DID NOT WANT TO…and so I blurted out my spiritual breakthrough that occurred on the journey Jesus led me through to face my fear and speak out in front of all them and I was planning on ending the testimony right there when suddenly I rambled out without my consent the confession that while at this For the Love workshop I learned I’m NOT a professional photographer! And once I spoke those words, I felt an immense, giddy, child-like joy flood me…I was free and I laughed, it was hilarious and funny and oh so ironic to me to have to spend so much money to realize what I’m NOT even though I possibly new before I arrived?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! {BTW: boy was Donny NOT GOING TO LOVE THIS when I came home}….but I knew, cuz I knew, cuz I knew that I was made to fill a different role in this life than professional photographer and I was so free from finally receiving the fullness of that discernment journey.

So I asked the Lord, WHAT ON EARTH AM I DOING HERE, I TRULY BELIEVE YOU CALLED ME HERE? I just couldn’t believe I mistakenly chased God through all these obstacles to get to the Smoky Mountains and learn this hard earned truth…I mean seriously, He could’ve just let my camera slip off the counter and break into pieces and we would’ve achieved the same goal of “non photographer” for less time & money! And when I asked He showed His face to me and I knew this was a spiritual journey for me, this was entirely about me learning how to follow Him. This was my journey to fine tune His voice. This was my journey of blind faith. This was my chance to grow in obedience. This was my journey to conquer fear. This was my journey to spiritual freedom. This was me walking into my destiny. This was a missionary assignment for me to seek Him and release Him, to be a divine appointment for someone as so many of them were for me.

After all that I finally knew what Photography means to me; it’s part of my secret place, the place where Jesus shows His face to me and it’s simply one way He loves on me like a father & daughter playing hide & seek. I pick up the camera and I seek to see the ordinary through His eyes and momentarily capture something extraordinary and I realized that when I photograph nature and small children that is exactly what happens, joy consumes me, He loves on me with quick glimpses through His lens to capture beauty in something that I had never seen before…right there, this passion, hiding in plain sight, on the back burner…was really a journey about Him revealing more His love for me and me seeking to find it. So photography is my hobby and I’m a hobbyist photographer (which I just learned today existed as a title, so I took it!! YAY!)…and I am free to be just that.

Surely the story doesn't end here, happily ever after and warm fuzzies...

And so you all are wondering WHAT ABOUT DONNY? Well, he did not die of cardiac arrest, nor did he go into monetary, wallet-distressing shock. A great piece of wisdom was released to me once I knew I had to go home to “face the giant” and confess my really expensive non-photography producing excursion to Tennessee before my husband and live to tell about it. Here’s the wisdom given to me “How much Grace does your Father have?”……oh man, GRACE…that gift of grace ~ the grace that I tell everyone else about, oh yeah…THAT GRACE, oh silly Maria haven't you even been praying for months toknow how to live in a greater GRACE…so um, OUCH was this an answer to my prayer? Good Lawd girl watch what you pray for! So I guess now was as good of time as any to put my money(or lack thereof) where my mouth was and that is all I had to go home on…grace (and of course that uber expensive camera strapped to my back).

On my drive home from the airport, I spent an amazing 3 hours in my car being loved on by Jesus. His love remained. He downloaded all sorts of gems that would take a novel to share with you all about what this trip really meant for me, so many facets and avenues and so much was planted and birthed in me through this journey to the mountains. So much revelation that I thought my head might explode trying to receive it all. But I think one of the greatest gems He shared with me as I cried out every single mile home from Minneapolis “Lord, HOW DO I EVEN BEGIN TO TELL DONNY THE ‘BAD’ NEWS?” He answered “You tell him, photography is His hobby too, and it’s my gift to the both of you.”….and I bawled big ole happy crocodile tears of immense joy, OMG, it sooo was OURS, together, to SHARE, OURS ~ the first thing since we’ve married (besides our beautiful boys) to share ONE passion for. All this time Donny’s excitement was not FOR ME, it was his very OWN EXCITEMENT bubbling up through my opportunity. So by the time I arrived home I was nearly giddy to tell him I had wasted all our money, left him for a week to come home with no business to pursue but we had a dandy of a hobby on our hands! Now that is SOME GRACE my friends (especially if you know my hubby, my marriage+money and/or my consuming fear!). Divinely, The Lord beat me home though as He has promised in His word to go before us and also be our rear guard. So I began with a plan to soften his hard heart by sharing Erik’s amazing God-destined photography testimony…and before I even finished sharing the story my husband blurts out the very words jumbling around in my brain….”so what did you discover Maria, that you love nature photography?”........and the joy burst right through the seams of my heart! I shouted YES! WHEW! And I knew there was only seconds to diffuse the 2nd bomb I was sure to erupt with my magical revelation of it being Donny’s hobby too, BUT grace got in the way and…Donny blurted right out in response “I sooo love nature photography too”! And I shouted out in shock OH YES YOU DO(and of course segued into my groovy revelation…thus giving a concrete need for having 2 cameras…which surely validates the uber expensive one we just bought, right?!)!

And I seen right there before my very eyes…the birth of something beautiful ~ Jesus, showing up with the missing tools to help us move our marriage from the sand to the rock ~ through His beautiful gift of nature photography as ONE hobby, He gave it to us ~ His promise in some tangible form beginning to blossom…an invitation to seek & find Him alongside one another together peering through the lens of a camera. And that is what Photography means to me!

PHO⋅TOG⋅RA⋅PHY: The art, practice, or occupation of taking and printing photographs.

2010-02-18T07:07:00.000-08:00

I find myself asking questions of myself these recent days, like what is photography, sure it’s the art or process of producing images of objects on photosensitive surfaces, but what is it to ME?

When the Lord first began to awaken my heart to notice I probably qualify for the ‘beyond average’ category in the obsessive photo-snapping department I like to label as “a hobby”; I finally realized maybe there could be something more to this photography thing than hobby status and it might not be so normal to only recognize my children through a viewfinder with crosshairs (of a camera my friends, not the scope of a gun…although there are days!! ha!). For the past 2 years I’ve been pondering this in my leisure time, stalking my children all the while and reminiscing on all the ways my love of pictures has surfaced through my life.

I guess I’ve come to realize over the past months it’s always been there, this passion, in plain sight yet hiding on the back burner where I kept it nicely brewing on luke warm, never paying much attention. Momentarily I moved this pot to the front burner in 2007 and tried to pursue professional schooling but it was just not in the cards so I comfortably placed this pot of dreams back on the burner it belonged! As of recent months thanks to a gradual progression in my job description it was as if beyond my control this pot jumped burners and my passion began to bubble up and boil over in my professional and personal world! I started to take notice doors were opening out of the clear blue and so it required I give this hobby some real attention! [quick sidenote:] Most of you know that when I gave my life to the Lord a few years ago, I left my personal agenda behind when I met Jesus (or at least that is my hope). I threw away my “check list” and traded all my plans for His will and it’s been an absolute thrilling ride alongside my savior every single day, growing in Him fulfills me deeper than anything I’ve ever known before and it’s simply ALL I desire. So when photography started to bubble up to the surface, I felt reservation in pursuing anything without the favor of my Father shining through ~ guiding, speaking & leading and photography has never been on my spiritual/ministry radar, so I took caution because I certainly did not want this hobby to distract me from serving my Lord whole heartedly. I actually wrestled quite intensely this fall & winter strongly trying to discern if this was His will or my hobby on steroids? What I knew without doubt, is I did not need one more thing to keep me BUSY, I was already needing 30 hours in a day to keep up with life! Certainly I did not want to fall into a ‘busy’ trap set by the enemy! BUT, if this was FOR JESUS, I’d run wildly into the unknown and jump head first! SO, which one is it?!? And what about that radical awakening in Africa to my divine design as a missionary? Let that go and pursue this? Could these two worlds intersect? How on earth do I decide! In this process of turbulent discernment, crying out to hear from the Lord I inadvertently (aka divinely) landed on this too-good-to-be-true website called “For the Love” and you guessed it = it was a workshop about photography + Jesus…get out of town, could this even be true?! Lord, You had me at "Let's get away from the crowds for a while and rest." (Mark 6:31)… I’m in!! So now what do we do about all that money involved? I tossed & turned even more trying to decide if I fit the criteria to attend and how I could make it happen, it felt as though it were financially impossible, especially when talking about a consensual husband in the deal.

I know without doubt the Lord gave me just enough signs to blindly take a leap and chase this photography dream to Tennessee for a week and so I did (scared out of my wits). The Lord even blessed me with a willing & supportive husband to pursue this avenue as to which I still remain in shock & awe that piece of the puzzle fit together in harmony for the 1st time in our married lives = one of us pursuing something with the other one’s full support; no dragging, kicking, whining, crying or death threats required! So I threw out all reasoning and figured this just plain ole had to be JESUS, by the evidence of that miracle alone!

In taking the bait to chase this photography dream I set my missionary dreams aside believing that if I pursue something I do it with all my heart, so I thought for certain it was one or the other, I let go of them orphan babies who haunt my dreams and decided my husband’s support and our unity in marriage was probably where the Lord’s will would lie most prominently for me in this season of life. So I grabbed the photography baton and took off running, for all of two weeks, then the Lord snuck up on me out of the clear blue during a January weekend adventure in Arizona and ravished my heart when He surprised the dickens out of me and called me out of the crowd as a missionary AGAIN! And I unraveled like a ball of yarn, turned back into an indecisive mess of mixed emotion, drowning in my uncertainty. Except now it was TOO LATE, tickets were purchased, reservations made and many, many dollars sewed into this photography journey, oh how the horror of failure consumed me every single palpitating heartbeat. February 8th started to look more like a day of reckoning than a retreat! The enemy had me certainly convinced this big of a failure would be the apocalyptic end of my marriage. For weeks I had the deepest internal war raging inside; feeling as though my heart was restored to my missionary destiny[which paralyzes my husband with fear] I couldn’t bear to face Donny and share that I had doubts about this photography journey[now that it was too late to do anything about it], especially when I seen the glimmer of joy in his eyes about all things photography. His excitement for me was unexpected and too precious, something rarely shared in our relationship so I masked the fear in attempts to hang onto his support, even if it was all a facade I longed to be in this harmonious place in our relationship where he accepted and enjoyed the journey I was on in life! I kept holding onto the chance that maybe this was simply an avenue the Lord might use to season me even more for missionary life. Photographer while I wait, but ultimately missionary, I gotcha Lord, this is just a lil busy work between you & me, wink, wink! I was convincing myself maybe, just maybe photography and missions were meant to be together, at least that was the basis of many of my prayers and the place I tried to rest while I clung to an ounce of strength to live by faith. In all my waging wars of fear and indecision I kept returning to the fact that I heard my Father’s voice calling me to this photography workshop, with His confirmation a time or two and I had to proceed on that alone UNTIL He shows more of Himself. It was the only calm in the storms that raged inside my heart but it was those moments of soothing comfort that helped me brave the stormy seas of “second guessing” up until the moment I boarded the plane to Tennessee. [and because that was the only choice after configuring every possible option to back out of this workshop and receive a refund but coming up short with no logical, honest plan to do so.] So I boarded the plane, uber expensive camera strapped to my back with the belief that I would come home as a full-fledge pro photographer just as I had promised my husband and soon I’d recoup all that money we’ve sewed into this latest “Maria adventure”…

So what happened in Tennesee at For the Love photographers workshop? God showed up...

and you'll have to stay tuned to hear what happened! ...to be continued...

For the Love

2009-12-28T13:10:00.000-08:00

So God has been working in my heart for some time now (guesstimate 3+ years) through photography, it's simply a way He speaks to me. And when I take pictures it feels as though I'm on a scavenger hunt with Jesus, I long to see children with His eyes. I see His beauty inside photos and I love deeply to chase & capture His creation through my perspective (albeit never do Him justice!). Obsessively and most harassingly this love has been cultivated through my two beautiful boys.

But I can tell you something has been rumbling in my spirit for the past year to do "more" with this hobby of mine and I push it off as "second-rate" to my fiery missionary dreams. As recent days have brought me to an unforeseen crossroads of making a decision to actively pursue photography (as in formal training) or leave it in the hobby "basket" and be content I have found myself in a tornado of spiritual activity. I have prayed fervently for the Lord to speak to me. My ideal dream of all dreams would be to cultivate this skill technically and let Him use me creatively so I may glorify our God through photography as a means of ministry.

The teeter totter I have been on the past couple months on trying to discern His will for me has been ferocious. I don't think I have been this "confused" by any other "God dream"...I have blindly chased the Lord with a child's heart, jumping both feet in, head first and never looking back. But, this time the decision has been one of long contemplation, hours of prayers and beautiful lil kisses of promise from my heavenly Father.

The most recent of which has been me all but haphazardly landing upon this most amazing opportunity in the "nick of time" just as I landed on an opportunity to jet off to Africa "in the nick of time". It's funny that my heart's cry has been consistently "I only want to do this Lord WITH YOU, I only want to pursue this with zeal if it is YOUR will for me and ONLY if it can be OF YOU FIRST & FOREMOST!! I surely don't need another "thing" to keep me BUSY!" As often as I've prayed that, I've let go completely of the dream/plans to proceed numerous times until I find an OBVIOUS open door from the Lord. Well, check this site out and tell me friends, if it can get any more obvious than this!

http://www.fortheloveworkshop.com/

This workshop is absolutely too good to be true. God, you are just too good to me. I love how it sings in my spirit in Bill Johnson wisdom about how God just longs to love on us and show us His goodness for no other reason that He is good. Ask and you shall receive, I simply can not believe these two passions of mine could blend together so beautifully and be offered unto me like a neatly wrapped gift!

And so for the most amazing Christmas gift imaginable...my husband has given his blessing to chase after this next God adventure with his support. So I am bloggin to share about this amazing workshop to include you all on how God had been romancing me these days, months & years to a place of "action" and also to enter a chance to win a free spot at this workshop! Pray with me friends that the Lord will continue to make a way!! Beyond that, I want to invite anyone who is a Photog buff to jump in on this conference as well!! I couldn't imagine anything more awesome than embarking upon this with a fellow friend! Seriously, go check it out...it's simply amazing, and share it will all your Jesus loving photography friends!!

Christmas Songs

2009-12-21T12:08:00.000-08:00

Every year when the radio stations start threatening to play Christmas music upon the arrival of Thanksgiving, I cringe because I'm not ready for the year to be flying by so rapidly and gone in the blink of an eye and it reminds me of how far behind I usually am as well...no one enjoys those reminders! But every year to my surprise there is that ONE Christmas song that captures my heart, and leaves me a sloppy mess of emotion when I become still enough to cherish the reason for the season.

This year it would be this precious tune that I heard for the first time!! I hope you all enjoy it as dearly as I have!

December Devotion

2009-12-02T10:05:00.000-08:00

I am just inspired beyond words as I hear my Father speaking to the depths of my heart inside this message I came to share. This devotional that I receive each month from Patricia King's ministry, XPMedia is too good not to pass along this month!!

Written by Lorrie Myers and singing with the voice of Jesus into my heart!!

Think about being “in love” for a minute. Remember that intense, wonderfully sweet feeling of first loving someone – and being loved back. It’s such a raw feeling, it makes your heart leap and your feet barely touch the ground!!! It envelopes your entire being like a warm blanket. Ahhh, the early first stages of love that enrapture and enfold us!

Unfortunately, most of us were taught that those early feelings of love couldn’t last, and that love is a commitment, not just a feeling. There may be some truth to these statements, but then why does Scripture tell us to return to “our first love”?

“But you walked away from your first love – why? What’s going on with you, anyway? Do you have any idea how far you’ve fallen? A Lucifer fall! Turn back! Recover your dear early love.” —Revelations 2:4-5 The Message

I think the Lord knew how easily we would ‘fall out of love’ with Him. We tend to be so goal- and success-oriented, especially in our North American culture, that before we even know it, we’re back into striving and performing, trying to please God with what we do. We even fall to a place of manipulating and controlling others so they contribute to our own agenda. All of these actions are certainly not from a place of love!

We may say, “Of course, I know that God loves me, I’m a believer, aren’t I?” But we can so easily relegate this love to a mere form of theology: God is love and “Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so.” But do we fully experience and live in that love to its fullest? I know I don’t. But bit by bit, He’s teaching me and opening up my heart to receive more and more of His love. Wow, I thought I had already understood this, but obviously there’s still more love to get!!!

How do I know I need more of His love? Any time that I’m frustrated, I know I need more of His love. Any time that I want to control a situation to achieve my own ends, I need more of His love. Any time my goals or “my ministry” becomes more important than loving the person in front of me, I need to experience more of His love. Any time I fall into worry and anxiety, I need a greater revelation of His love and His care for me.

The really hard part for a doer-and-achiever like me is that I can’t force myself to love better. I can only ask Him to reveal His love to me in a greater measure and for His help in staying in first-love with Him. One song I have been soaking in these past several months has been Kim Walker’s version of “How He Loves Us.” (YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JoC1ec-lYps) Talk about getting a love-hit through that song, again and again!!

All I then have to do is to let that love grow in me and be extended to those around me. The fruit of the Spirit is LOVE. And brace yourself for some wild theology – LOVE IS AN EMOTION WE EXPERIENCE!!! In fact, did you notice that the first three fruits of the Spirit are all emotions-based: love, peace and joy. Am I talking about a flimsy “only if everything around me makes me happy” kind of emotion? Certainly not. But love, peace and joy from the Father are heartfelt emotions, experienced deep in our spirits. That’s where we can learn to live from, regardless of what is happening around us.

How much do we lose sight of this love? We pursue our goals and our dreams, and that may be fine and good. We attempt to reform our society, and that may be fine and good. We want our ministry to be more influential in the sphere around us, and that may be fine and good. EXCEPT when these things become first, and love falls to second. Then we’re in trouble – we have not kept the first thing, first. And His love must always come first, otherwise we will start to use, manipulate and control people, even as sincere and honest believers.

Now, especially during this Christmas season, let the reality of the incarnation be made fresh and alive through the eyes of love – that God’s perfect love became flesh, demonstrated in Jesus, in order to show us how to live our lives out of a place of intense and pure love.

“I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them, even as you have loved me. I have made you known to them, and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them.” John 17:23,26

Oh, Lord Jesus, help me to learn what You taught and modeled: to be in love with You, and then to love others with that same love You’ve shown me.

From there, everything else will fall into place. Whether our dreams are fulfilled, or whether they shatter. Whether our expectations of our spouse are met or whether they’re not. Whether our kids succeed, or whether they struggle. Whether our ministry moves forward or whether it shuts down. Whether our “giftings” are recognized or whether we’re ignored. His love will become the foundation of our lives and then we’re okay, no matter what happens.

“Go after a life of love as if your life depended on it – because it does!”
—1 Corinthians 14:1 (The Message)

Live loved. Live in love. Love others.

A fresh touch!

2009-11-09T11:07:00.000-08:00

In the few years now that I’ve come to know the Lord in an experiential way, I’d like to believe in my hunger for his presence I’ve been exposed to some mind boggling adventures with God. I tell you there is nothing that I love more than the moment in an encounter with God that surpasses anything you can intellectually comprehend, rationale checks out and you instantly know by the breath of life into your spirit it's Jesus literally touching you and HE is becoming YOUR experience, HE’s becoming YOUR story. It’s surreal. Truly, a holy moment where time stands still, the world fades away and it’s you & your Father embracing. This is “the stuff” that makes my heart skip a beat!

October 28-30^th I was blessed with a chance to chase Jesus over in Baltimore, Maryland. What I experienced at the Voice of the Apostles conference was yet another glorious moment in the supernatural where the Lord placed His hand upon me in new ways and ruined the cozy little box I had built for Him to live inside. You know that Jesus of mine, I love Him dearly but no matter how many times I remodel the size of my box, He simply grows too big to fit inside it…like a St. Bernard staring at Kleenex box pondering “how on earth does she expect me to fit inside there?” The gracious host-in-training that I am, I get to work(subconsiously of course) on a new bigger & better box one after another completely oblivious to my unnecessary laboring. I’m so glad the family bond between Jesus & I is intimate enough that He just lets me know with His gentle, loving [ahem, explosive] touch that my cardboard accommodations are simply inadequate for the size of His glorious presence! So another box was blown to smithereens the other week and I am “wrecked”. IT.IS.GOOD!!

I found it to be beautiful to have the coherent presence to recognize my spirit leading me to take note of the depth & variety of ways the Lord was showing His face over the course of the 3 days. With six of my all-time favorite Christian mentors(okay, okay, my Jesus Superheroes) gathered together in one place, collectively bringing their supernatural individual anointings together for a powerful corporate touch of God was an experience beyond anything words could describe. I’m simply ruined for anything else but Jesus! My heart’s burning desire is my previous sentence be the biography for everyone He sets before me ~ if I'm ruined...then you will be too! :)

As each ‘apostle’ preached the Lord’s presence was released upon the room like different fragrances of the same sweet perfume that just resonated from them. All they did was love one another like an inseparable family to a dimension that I have never witnessed in-real-life because it was a collision of supernatural & natural bonding ~ it looked like heaven. And together they did what they do best, they stood on a stage in front of thousands of people and loved on Jesus, that’s it, they loved Him each in their own way and it was an invitation that He wouldn’t refuse! And I sat on the floor beneath this stage like a child just yearning to be touched, hungry to share in the intensity of that fragrance of love… and I did…because He touched me. In three short days Jesus became a physical experience in my life in greater depths than I had known before; I could tangibly FEEL His compassion and I wept like never before; I could FEEL His consuming love for me and I was overwhelmed; I could FEEL His immense power like electricity physically shocking my body and it blew my tiny mind(oh and it hurt); I could FEEL the profound depth of His forgiveness and it melted me into a puddle; I could FEEL His zealously jealous heart in pursuit of more of my love as if I were the only one who could love Him; I could literally FEEL His intoxicating joy as my Father solidifying my understanding of Him as absolute goodness in its entirety; I could FEEL His hunger to lavish heaven’s riches upon us, His kids, if only we’d awaken to see the gifts sitting before us unopened, unexplored. Some of these experiences were brand new for me and some were intensified from anything I had experienced prior. To receive all that in 3 shorts days is completely exhausting and simultaneously refreshing beyond measure. I was so physically drained and so spiritually charged when I left I thought I might spontaneously combust!

I tell you friends, if what I've written above doesn't describe your Jesus....there is more, there is so much more!! Hunger for that EXPERIENCE and He will not turn down your invitation!

Wordless

2009-10-07T09:19:00.001-07:00

I can't seem to find words these days to even begin to describe the journey I'm on with God. Indescribable, but so worthy of sharing! I can however share with you the words I have been hearing from the Lord; risk, bold, tenacious, love, blindly. And I can tell you it's left me WORDLESS when I listen and follow!

I pray, that when I even catch enough air to formulate words for my own journal, that at some point the Holy Spirit will eloquently wrap up this amazing ride I'm on with the Lord in some form of chapters to present here so I can share all He's doing inside me and around me these days, which have become months, which all seem to me like moments!

Today, I found this video that is just another reminder from God...on this ride, I shall not hang onto the beam!! Check it out, it's good stuff!

Again, no luck on direct posting so here's the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LA_uwWPE6lQ&feature=player_embedded

Wow.

2009-09-25T06:30:00.000-07:00

This moves me, deeply. I can't get it to directly play here, but it's worth watching.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e4NlyZqJhwk&feature=player_embedded

More often than not

2009-09-17T07:02:00.000-07:00

The best things are said by someone else!! :) Oh my how this prayer deeply inspires me! Written by some guy named Scott Smith that I just so happened to be 'lucky enough' to find today!

“To those who have been called, who are loved by God the Father and kept by Jesus Christ: Mercy, peace and love be yours in abundance” (Jude 1-2).

Glorious Triune God, on this Lord’s Day I’m smitten afresh with gospel-astonishment. As I ponder your immeasurable and irrepressible goodness towards me, and all your people, in Jesus I’m driven to silence and compelled to shout, all at the same time! Truly, you are unrelenting in your attention, lavish in your affections, and extravagant in your provision.

You didn’t just invite me to become a Christian, you called me and adopted me as your own child. Now I call you, Abba, Father, as the Holy Spirit continues to free my heart from its orphan-like ways. Thank you Father, that because of the work of Jesus, you will never love me more than you do today and you will never love me less! What wondrous love is this indeed!

Lord Jesus, help me to grasp your grasp of me. I am both kept by you and for you. Nothing can pull me from your hand, nor tear me from your heart, Jesus. Many times this seems too good to be true, but it is all the assurance that I need to face the rest of my life, even the next hour.

Indeed, Holy Spirit, bring from the throne of grace into my heart and story, an abundance of mercy, for I am a foolish man; peace, for I am a broken man; and love, for I am a selfishness man. Be praised on this Lord’s Day, and every day, O glorious and grace-full God! Very gratefully, Amen!

Some good medicine!

2009-09-15T09:45:00.001-07:00

I am still by all accounts of eternity known as a babe in diapers inside my walk with Christ, this is not news to me nor probably you. BUT, I will say...I've been around long enough to really start to enjoy some good humor about all-things-Christian! A dry sense of humor with a slice of sarcasm can really make me roll on the floor in delight...so I just absolutely love this site:

http://stufffchristianslike.blogspot.com/

Admittedly, it's been on my stalking radar for a really long time...but ya know every time it made the 'random' rotation to be surfed...there was never a picture posted to lure me long enough to read words because naturally I had 999 other blogs that I COULD be checking in on that probably had a doozie of a photo posted! Today, for some reason...I read and I LAUGHED, so I read MORE and my laughter turned into serious belly wigglin gigglin! And that was some GOOD MEDICINE for me today!! So I had to share!

Is it fall in your life?

2009-08-27T13:24:00.000-07:00

Is it fall in your life? It happens to everyone more than once. It's that time in your life when you work through struggles, encounter an obstacle or get wounded by the events of life.

Fall is that time in life when the leaves fall off, all those things that give color and meaning to life fall away and become meaningless in face of a present difficulty. It is a tough place to be. It is also a good place to be – when everything falls to the ground, you get a chance to see who you really are – the real structure of your life and where changes need to be made. Ask God to give you the courage to see the real structure of your life and where changes need to be made. Jesus is the key.

-Sister Thomasine Schmolke

Inheritance

2009-08-10T09:01:00.000-07:00

Wow, I just absolutely LOVE THIS, if each one of us would just consume what the Lord is trying to say in these words ~ we'd be so free!

I dare you or me?

2009-08-03T12:54:00.000-07:00

Hmmm, I see this video as an invitation from my Lord for deeper intimacy, total abandonment and real trust, the kind you can't turn back on to seek your own solution. This video coming to me at a time in my life when God is revealing something to me that I can not understand in its fullness ~ or as God puts it in His Word, "more than I can now handle". I revel at the risk involved in this invitation and the irony at how many times I've prayed over others that faith is spelled R.I.S.K. when I promise them that the Lord will catch them if only they jump. I wonder how my life might change if I dare accept the challenge of these words as though it was my Father whispering in my ear...

Francis Chan

And I wonder if you can hear His voice speaking to you in this as well?

Ordinary Miracles

2009-07-31T11:29:00.000-07:00

Mid July we attended the Sonshine Christian Music Festival in Willmar as our family "camping" trip for the year. I think the Lord stole my baby's heart and hopefully his destiny by our immersing him in the midst of non-stop worship for 3 days! I think my baby boy may become a mighty man for God, worshipping our Jesus with all he has, wherever he goes and I just LOVE the glimpse the Lord gave me into what that might look like!

Truly, God just romanced me in this moment ~ walking into the house after work, turning on the radio and finding my sweet baby raising his hands in the air, celebrating our beautiful Jesus!

Oh how the Lord loves the pure in heart with child-like faith! ;)

Disney Land with Jesus?

2009-07-21T09:22:00.000-07:00

I'm not good at posting links and all that jazz but you all need to totally check out this video! I heard this story in a sermon from Bill Johnson and it made me giggle like a school girl, now to see the video of the June 11th revival at Disney Land is so awesome! Over 100 miracle healings in the food court at Disney Land ~ that's the life for me!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rpdoge4KSug

God's Calendar

2009-07-10T13:53:00.000-07:00

June 27th seem to become an almighty important date on my calendar of events from early on in the year of 2009. It was the day I was honorably celebrating my dearest childhood friend's wedding as one of her bridesmaids. What seemed ever-so-odd to me was how this date seemed to arise over & over again throughout the course of my Spring. Mostly this date became known to conflict with just about every single “God opportunity” that was coming my way. I had to say no to a mission trip to Africa that I would’ve sold my kidney on the black market to attend because the dates conflicted. Then two really attractive conferences in California & Brazil seem to find their way into my viewfinder with my absolute favorite Jesus mentors leading and of course this too seem to conflict with the special date so I had to pass. A Jesus camping trip came & went on the table to options falling off the list because of dueling dates. There was no doubt in my mind, my commitment to my friend and the privilege to share in her day trumped all things, but man alive WHY must all these opportunities for Jesus that send my heart into instant fluttering palpitations conflict with such a concrete date that the Lord knew I would not compromise?? What did this mean? I don’t believe in coincidence and certainly even if one did, turning down 5 different things that all revolve around one date would have you guessing…what…on…earth…is the deal here? Does the world around me just have bad yearly planners or what?! I wondered and even pouted that these dates and events could not just stretch out a little bit more to accommodate me a little better! :) Essentially I came to peace with the idea that the Lord MUST have a doozie of a mission for me at this wedding, right?!? Naturally, that would be the deal since I had to say no to Jesus stuff to be in this wedding celebration…and surely God knows the desires of my heart to celebrate both my dear friend and HIM! Hmm, we’ll just have to see what unfolds as each day passes by.

So as the month of June progressed, I had some amazing dates with Jesus and he was certainly finding ways to love on me (as he so often does) in my small little world of Buckman, MN! One particular night was June 8th when I had the opportunity to combine two of my favorite things; praying for the women in my bible study group and attending Monday Night Prayer night at my church. One woman in particular that I have been thoroughly enjoying the journey of prayer with is my friend KC. We’ve had all to similar of a life journey. On the day the Lord administered his divine appointment for KC and I, I met KC in the front of our church, at the altar, before the Lord in prayer as strangers to learn she knows my heart and I hers and we connected in our pain to know instant kinship. She happened to be in the midst of great pain and loss due to multiple miscarriages and now the unexplainable experience of infertility when God ordained for us to meet last year. Soon he arranged for us to be in the same bible study so we could grow together. Over the course of this year I’ve had the privilege of watching her mature into her God given destiny and spiritual nourished life and it’s almost as if God’s given me eyes to watch my own journey unfold through her eyes, a supernatural seat behind the camera to see “me” in “her” as if he rewound the tape for me to enjoy his view of my life not all that long ago.

Okay, back to the calendar. This particular night on June 8th, she came to join me at my Monday Night Prayer meeting. As I’ve come to depend blindly upon the Lord and just expect him, he showed up in a powerful way that night as he often does, ruining both me & her in our intimate moments with Him, wrecked by the glory of his powerful love. I was given the gifted opportunity to pray for her like no other time before(and I have spent countless hours in prayer with her over the past year). God spoke so heavily through me and used me in all my weakness to release a powerful promise over KC that the glory alone of His words traveling through me left me in a state of drunken bliss from the touch of his hand, the whisper of his voice, the extension of his love, a kiss from the father to heal a broken child’s wound funneling through lil ole me. In this indescribable moment of frozen time He spoke his word that Psalm 128 was to be a part of his promise and new covenant with KC. I had never heard, nor seen, Psalm 128 in my life but it flew out of my mouth with such passion that I had to shout it with our without my consent it just came out. I grabbed my bible and set my eyes upon these irreplaceable words for the first time:

Psalm 128

How joyful are those who fear the Lord—all who follow his ways!
You will enjoy the fruit of your labor.
How joyful and prosperous you will be!

Your wife will be like a fruitful grapevine,
flourishing within your home.
Your children will be like vigorous young olive trees
as they sit around your table.

That is the Lord’s blessing for those who fear him.
May the Lord continually bless you from Zion.

May you see Jerusalem prosper as long as you live.
May you live to enjoy your grandchildren.

May Israel have peace!

Look again, read twice, can you see it? Can you see the beauty of the promise from our Lord to a woman who has mourned the loss of 5 children who were stolen from her womb?! Can you see the new covenant being born of these words and the destiny she’s about to receive!! Immediately upon praying these words into her life, I nearly ran to the corner to hide like a dog with its tail between it’ legs because the POWER in the promise intimidated the LIFE outta me and I pleaded with him that it didn’t just randomly come from my brain. I begged the Lord that HE show this to KC, that HE meet her in every way imaginable to confirm the new covenant He’s promised in Psalm 128. Fast forward to that Sunday, she meets me at church in excitement and shares with me the Lord had sent her Psalm 128 THREE MORE TIMES that week in the most random ways she had no choice but to believe!!!! Beautiful, Thank YOU JESUS for your faithfulness! Fast forward another week to Father’s Day when KC meets me in the prayer room after Sunday mass and reveals to me; she’s pregnant and she just learned it 10 minutes before coming to church that morning. Precisely 2 weeks after we prayed and she received God's new promises. She’s a wreck….so long we’ve prayed for this moment, so much growing she has done to come back to this place with a healed spirit, bandaged heart and so much fear is shoving its way into her soul that it’s choking the life out of the joy & peace that God planted there. We prayed. We soaked in the love of our Father together, for 1 ½ hours we prayed & prayed & prayed until physical exhaustion and cloudy contacts ached in my eye sockets. The Lord MOVED inside that room and in our hearts and doted over his beautiful child like she was his absolute favorite precious gem. He alone eased her fears and revealed that it was HIS gift to her on HIS day, a baby for Father’s day was in his hearts desire. Again, I spent a week ruined by this amazing encounter between us and our indescribable God!

So needless to say, I’m doing good, coming into my “own” and climbing a step up the spiritual ladder during the course of these past couple weeks, being fed immensely by some amazing God moments and filling up my spiritual hunger through some royally awesome sermons of Bill Johnson’s, receiving much revelation of God’s plans in my life and for my life, really walking into a realm of authority in the kingdom that I never knew God was waiting for me to wake up and grab ahold of! Gloriously lost in Jesus land almost all the time, I had fallen away from the calendar of events for June. I recognize mid-week, HELLO, it’s the wedding week…and I’m ON FIRE for GOD, there has to be something GOOD COOKING in heaven’s pot, right?! I go to the wedding, eagerly seeking a divine appointment. I actually had a certain highschool friend on my heart, hoping God would open a door for me to minister to him. I sailed through the day and into the evening with no amazing God moments and I was beyond confused? This “date” felt so important for so many reasons and I thought surely one of those reasons was for God. I closed my evening at this wedding with a short conversation with the very friend I had hoped to see and minister too…to my surprise, he actually ministered to me by making a statement that God used to lift a veil, open my eyes and see my own life in a different light….to appreciate and love someone in my life to a greater degree and so I drove home completely surprised that the whole day was over and there were no “God fireworks” for anyone but me, just a beautifully quiet spiritual moment for me buried inside the words of one innocent sentence. Hmmm, our God is so mysterious.

During this same week, I’m watching my friends be blessed immensely while in the middle of their ’09 mission trip to Africa, which included a stop in Uganda; the very place the Lord first pulled on my heart through the video Invisible Children. My heart is secretly aching that I was not a part of the trip, longing for fellowship with those dear friends I made last year during that amazing experience, hungry for a BIG HUGE GOD explosion like what happened to me in Africa last year BUT I was settling for vicariously living through them as the best seat in the house at this point was Facebook. With each story they shared and photo they posted I reminisced about how God totally changed me & my life through our trip last year. God even had the loving heart to minister to me through one of the teammates who kindly shared with me some of the children that God had sewn into my heart with threads of steel, REMEMBERED ME too and asked for me by name (and entire YEAR LATER)! Oh how my spirit has loved on Tesfae all year long from a helpless place across the ocean blue. God totally knew how to love on me and it blessed me in such a bittersweet moment to hear those words and it broke my heart to an even deeper degree for the sweet street boys of Ethiopia that have never left their home in my heart.

Aside from Africa, back to MN happenings: I didn’t make to church this particular week the wedding took place, and I went to Monday Night Prayer hoping to see my friend KC again since I had an eerie feeling she might be needing some prayer….a week had passed since her monumental (in her eyes, scary) news and I just had a sense but she did not come to prayer night. Well, Tuesday July 1st arrives and I receive an email from KC around 3pm saying “She’s showing severe physical signs of miscarriage and she’s an absolute emotional wreck and she needs prayers.” INSTANTLY the Holy Spirit revved my engines to drop everything and GO TO HER like I was a mama hen protecting a baby chick inside KC’s 'oven'! I KNEW the promises God had made and THIS was NOT IT! So all of us from my women’s group gathered at KC’s home within the hour and we had the most beautiful ministry unfold before our eyes, surrounded by God’s holy nature. We prayed and prayed and grew together in a way that only God could have planned. We fought for this baby and we stood on our promise in Psalm 128 and God’s words of a new covenant with KC. 3 1/2 INTENSELY LONG hours we prayed our hearts out and God supernaturally intertwined our spirits together to be one heart of a mother, one cry of a hurting child, 5 people sharing in pain, sitting together in the mess of the world's cruel circumstances, growing and pressing IN to Him, taking our eyes off the storm in unity and we gathered our faith as an offering to Jesus and we received a double portion in return! IT WAS PHENOMENAL! We met that evening with hurt overwhelming our hearts and we left with peace and laughter flowing from our hearts through our lips as we hugged goodbye with courage and hope in our spirits. It was the most amazing night I have had since I was in Africa last year. It was one of those times where you simultaneously know in spirit when you are experiencing every minute that “this moment will change the course of my life”.

I drove home, worshipping my amazing God and he showed me His heart; “THIS DAY IS WHY: he needed me here, he needed me home” And I could finally see, he used my deep love for my friend and her impeccable planning for wedding dates to keep me home, where I was penciled in on God's calendar to be all along. And I was fulfilled, happy, blessed, honored, ruined, loved, peaceful, grateful, overflowing, joyful and wrecked that THIS MOMENT, shepherding this MOMENT of monumental growth in 5 people’s lives was on HIS CALENDAR for me, not on mine, but truly on HIS ~ all the way back in April & May when I had to say NO to all these splendid opportunities that shouted “God’s DIVINE appointment” and romanced Maria’s heart… he had this moment already on his calendar and he had selected ME, little ole me to be a part of this history changing day, for if I had obliged in any of those invitations I would have missed this moment, I would have been gone out of state and unable to fulfill these destined shoes. I cried big tears of thanksgiving to my God…that his calendar superseded my desires to exceedingly and abundantly surpass my desires and blew my calendar to smithereens!

My ladies and I left parted ways that night from the 3-season porch, after worshipping & praying together for HOURS on end with the knowledge that we had to fight for this baby in prayer for 1 ½ weeks until KC’s doctor appointment. As the next 1 ½ weeks unfolded God radically changed 5 lives that previously met on Sunday’s to commune in his house for an hour of service and 2 nights a month for a bible study group into being 5 inseparable, praying warriors, life-sustaining valves of one heart beating in unison, in nearly constant contact 24 hours a day, soaking in prayer, seeking the face of a relentless God who had destined this day from the beginning! 5 people spiritually grow more in this 1 week than they have in their entire lives and God creates a new standard of living in their hearts, with new eyes to see, new ears to hear and a deeper love for living in Him. Absolute beauty emerging from these ashes, indescribable with human words, but you know if you’ve been there, you know the beauty I’m describing and its breath-taking, especially from the inside looking out. Through the course of this 1 ½ weeks God becomes the glue that solidifies these lives to one another and he makes even more promises that blow our tiny minds. Just this past Saturday God sent a word for KC, through 2 friends of mine, to get to me so I may deliver it to her, which I delivered to her in 6-degrees of Kevin Bacon/Jesus-style! God’s word was that “the womb is healed and it is finished”….the power of receiving that promise nearly destroyed all of us, SHOCK is the only word that summarizes our facial expressions, it was too sweet to hear and too astonishing to dare believe for KC, the lengths that he went to, to reach her alone were enough to wreck our tiny minds not to mention the power in that promise! The answer to all those prayers that fell upon our Father’s ear.

Her physical body continued to show signs of miscarriage and so although we were on a mountain high on Sunday, rejoicing in this promise of God, when we communed together on Monday for Monday Night Prayer, we had to keep strong in spirit that the supernatural would overcome the natural and we knew we needed more soaking in the only place peace was offered = our Father’s arms. We worshipped God together on Monday and bathed in more prayer. We continued via email & texting to be in constant contact the rest of the week, waiting for our glorious moment on Thursday to arrive = the Doctor Appointment. A day of reckoning for KC & her husband….an appointment they had met so many times before to receive the most devastating news of loss in their lives. An appointment notorious for releasing heartache too deep to comprehend. An appointment that held them trapped in fear. The appointment came, we waited holding our breath as our dear KC faced many of her past demons head on when she walked into that room and we all came to know scientific confirmation of GOD’S MIRACLE = a living baby in her womb!! A healthy heartbeat, a fulfillment of His promises, a new convenant and a new beginning with the promise of new life in every context imaginable.

How great is our God….HOW BIG IS OUR GOD….how beautiful is our GOD! I was made to worship this God of ours, this God of miracles…this Father who longs to embrace each of us with such intimacy. Jesus who lives in constant jealousy for each of our hearts like no other. This God who has embraced KC like no one else could. Our healer. This God who longs to do the same for you & I. This God who I have a sacred obsession for…this is the God I was born to worship!! The Lord of my heart. This is MY GOD!

Mission team 2009

2009-06-29T07:38:00.000-07:00

Pray for our dear mission friends as they finish their ministry in Africa and prepare to come home soon.

http://www.isaiah49.blogspot.com/

Beautiful stories, beautiful faces, beautiful people!!!!

MUST SEE!!!

2009-06-18T08:18:00.000-07:00

Drop whatever you're doing now and run to grab yourself a copy of this DVD no matter how you have to get your hands on it!

In the name of Jesus you will be RUINED for life, I proclaim it!! :)

http://www.ibethel.org/store/p2170/FingerofGodDeluxeEditionDVD/product_info.html

How much humility can one servant handle?...

2009-06-09T13:47:00.000-07:00

I think I have received an ultimate new teaching from the Lord on how to be truly humble, painfully humble is possibly a better explanation. Follow along and learn with me...

I’m going to share my latest adventures in my ever-growing opportunities to embrace humility on all levels, levels I didn't even know could exist and I'm sure more levels that will reveal themselves in the future. I’m going to preface this entry with a warning, some content is “inappropriate” and it just so happens that it is what it is so I share it candidly and openly.

Where shall I start, well I guess I’ll go way back to the beginning to make this story nice & long like I seem to do so well in rambling fashion.

Since fully coming to a place in my faith where I just straight-up want to chase Jesus around like Elmer Fudd chases Bugs Bunny trying to capture and hold onto Him, I have struggled with a few “past times” that I no longer see with the same eyes nor the same worldly interest, yet feel the dire value in celebrating with those whom I love in any way they deeply desire.

Subject at hand was to plan a bachelorette party for one of my dearest friends. Those of you who know me well, know I have skills in the computer department to do much damage in vast variety of embarrassment to any degree I wish~ PG to Rated R for any celebration at hand; birthdays-to-bachelorettes. I have been, in the past called upon to “thrive” in this area of total embarrassment and inappropriate bachelorette related shenanigans therefore have gained a reputation as to be the “go-to-girl” for such personalized needs in my circle of friends. As the years have passed and the “wedding decade” of my generation is drawing closer to a lull I have not had to cross the bridge of Jesus’ approval and Bachelorette naughtiness and please both crowds, until now.

As this party drew closer I waited patiently for a good idea to fit everyone’s desires (mostly the Lord’s). I did not want to compromise my morals to exploit raunchiness that accompanies the reputation of “bachelorette parties” of the past or simply in general. The Lord truly helped me meet the need. I had come across a perfect idea to celebrate my special friend in uniqueness, personality, special interests with as much individualized attention and pizazz as I have for all past parties I’ve been handed the pleasure of “sabotaging” with my hair-brained ideas & themes. I had fun preparing this ‘Desperate Housewife-to-be’ themed party in honor of my friend’s addiction to the drama on ABC, where all I needed to plan & decorate was the color red and an apple icon. It was good, clean, fun (this time).

Fast forward this incredibly long introduction; the party came to fruition this past weekend. Beyond my control are the items that other’s were going to bring to share with all of us at the party. With this “luck” I gained the pleasure of biting my tongue to accept the ‘dis’-honor of wearing an inappropriately cartooned version of certain male anatomy around as a name-tag on my dress. It didn’t bother me too much as it was discreetly hidden under my jacket so I went with the “bachelorette” flow of things. What does all this have to do with being “humble”…hang on ~ we’re getting there and surely you’re going to see it all come full circle soon.

Since these festivities took place in Stillwater, we all spent the night in a hotel room Saturday night. Sunday morning as I woke for my long drive home, I was in my car, racing home to my sick baby who I had dearly worried over and severely missed nurturing for the day I was absent from 'mom duty'. As I was driving I realized I needed to get gas relatively SOON. I seen an upcoming BP sign over top the trees calling my name. I pulled off the freeway and behind the shrubbery revealed an abandoned building where a BP once thrived. Ugh, I thought, but I was more intrigued by the greeting of three strategically placed fold-out, portable signs that said “Bethlehem church” with a big arrow that now found their home in the BP parking lot. My heart fluttered a bit and immediately I thought “hmmmm, I totally have a church out-fit packed in my bag” as I was still wearing my windpants & t-shirt PJ’s for the drive home. I decided on a whim to quickly stop at the next gas station fill-up & change then come back to this church that seemed to for "no-apparent-reason or connection" make my heart leap and capture my attention with much interest. By the time I achieved this goal of changing my attire and finding my dress-coat, I walked into the front of this Bethlehem church to realize I was 30 minutes late to the service so I quickly turned around in their entry-way thinking it might be non-sense for me to slip into this church SO late. I went back to my car to continue my drive home but the nagging sensation to "go to church” would not go away. I then remembered a church nearby that I had attended a conference at and decided to go check them out. I realized I was too late for their mass as well but about 40 minutes early for their second service. I called to check on my sickly child once again and heard a good report of him being on the mend so I asked my loving husband if he would mind if I be a bit later than planned so I may attend this church. He agreed and so it was settled in my heart that I would wait for second services to start.

I went in early to this 2nd church, Northern Heights, once I seen the congregation leaving and knew their first service was over. Thought I’d take the chance to mosey around and acquaint myself with their facilities and publications, ect. Finally I entered into their sanctuary to wait for the service to begin and as it did I could not get the nagging feeling of the Bethlehem church out of my mind as if I was “missing something” that might be taking place there. So I followed my gut to “go back” as I was certain their 2nd service would be just beginning. I “snuck” out of the service at Northern Heights as quietly as I could. I arrived fashionably late back at the first church and waltzed into the sanctuary to find a seat. I chose a seat relatively close to the front which was not my plan! As a “stranger” in this church I just wanted to sit quietly in the back ~ but the back was full. Add being 'late' to the plate and I certainly did not want to draw attention to myself by sitting way up in the 10th row of a 30 row+ deep church, but that's where my seat was found none-the-less. I feel the need to just add the random fact that both of these churches were HUGE in size ~ just an FYI ~ so it required much wandering for me to find my way around and I did so at my leisure, crossing paths with many, many people along the way, the revelation and importance of this will be found later in the story.

I sat through service at this church with peace on my heart that I was in the right place, hearing the right message and then I left to come home with a content heart. After my long drive home I came eager to switch back into my PJ’s and be comfortable. Once I reached my bedroom and took off my dress-coat to hang it up my eyes beheld the most terrifying sight I could have possibly ever dreamed to be my living nightmare:

The afore mentioned “derogatory name-tag sticker” had some how made it’s way from one of my friend’s possession’s onto the BACK OF MY COAT, for I had made certain my own sticker made it's way safely to the garbage can immediately after it's need expired, but another seemed to find it's home ON MY BACK! (in plain VIEW)

This, my blog friends, is a huge laugh for you all at my expense if you just take the moment to think about what I truly shared with you! Mostly enjoyable of course is my husband's funny bone as he can barely gain his composure while his sides ache in laughter at the horrid irony of me running around to and fro not ONE but TWO of God's humongous churches with this thing plastered right on my back for all the world to see in all the inappropriateness imaginable!!!!!!! I have to believe the Lord himself must have had quite a chuckle too Sunday morning! What a lesson in humility I learned this weekend. The humility was in “the flesh” but the message has truly penetrated my pride on a spiritual level to the point I am living for quite some time in the 2" tall category.

I hope you all enjoy, because in all honesty it was too good not to share ~ another ~ only Maria type adventure ~ even if it did almost cause me to nearly DIE right on the spot! I am 10 shades of agonizingly deep red in color simply as I write this all for you to giggle over!

The lost soldier

2009-06-02T09:52:00.000-07:00

1 John 3:16-18

This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.

Each Monday I join a few others at our church for prayer night. As I was driving to church last night I was feeling pretty good on a “spiritual level”. I had high expectations and excitement that the night would be fruitful. I remember reminiscing about this awesome sermon I had listened to earlier in the day and how the guy continually referenced different scenarios about “an open heaven” and I barely had the chance to begin praying that we’d have an open heaven last night as I turned the corner I cast my eyes upon this sight.

Ummm, pretty clear God was speaking. I knew without doubt He wanted me to expect that open heaven my heart was yearning for and I could BARELY contain myself to drive the last 5 miles to church. I ran into the sanctuary showed off my picture, shared my prayer to the others and I said “we need to expect BIG THINGS! Tonight is going to be ‘a good one’ [which is my Jesus crazy slang for GOD IS GOING TO SHOW UP BIG TIME!]” We sat together chatting and waiting to see if our fashionably late friend Renee would be joining us for the evening. About 7:10pm a man walked in the doors that I didn’t recognize, no big deal to me because I barely know half the parishioners that attend my church so I just figured it was somebody who knew their way around the place and didn’t give a second glance back after the initial sound of an opened door.

Benjamin Alan Best had just graced our presence and he came to us cloaked in a robe of majesty and truth, although appearing to our earthly eyes to be dirty blue wind pants, holey white T-shirt with hints of a black sweatshirt peaking from under the sleeves of a worn Blue spring jacket, topped with a grey dirty ‘do-rag’; my eyes were open to see this man was truly cloaked in heavenly garments as his presence entered into the sanctuary where I was seated.

Immediately in a loud, frank, booming voice he politely yet sternly asked “is there a Pastor around here? I need to speak with a Pastor or Priest in this town.” In this moment my heart did a somersault and butterflies rushed through my veins ~ my spirit KNEW this was going to be a special encounter with this stranger, whoever this man may be I was certain he was “sent” to us and we were lucky to be in his presence. Fortunately [or unfortunately] our Pastor was on vacation (normally he usually attends this prayer meeting with us) and so we could not help this man seek out the church officials he was searching for but he took a chair next to us and one of the members of our group said, "all you have at this church tonight... is us". I silently gasped for air to reach my flat-lining heart as Wayne had just spoke the words that were POUNDING to get out of my chest. With that invitation we embarked upon an amazing dance; Benjamin began to talk and we began to listen, and with divine rhythm he began to teach and we began to learn.

Broken, bitter, peeved fragments mumbled from this man’s mouth through a heavy lisp with a bit of an unrecognizable accent and it was so hard to understand him, you could not decipher the words unless you pressed in and hungered to have the ears to hear. Benjamin spoke tirelessly in circles, at first I hung on every mangled word that exited his mouth eager to know more as he revealed himself and his journey anxious to discover the purpose of our meeting. But for a solid 30 minutes he didn’t reveal himself at all, he spoke in angry, frustrated endless circles about “the church” and its "Christians”. I remember one stark retort from him "I've found more Christians in the local bars after all the Churches in the town have turned me away". More often than not we all found ourselves sitting in a state of confusion as to any sort of relation or full picture of this man’s story beyond his frustrated state of mind of the "church".

In a ruggedly raw yet somehow graceful dance with words Benjamin managed to eventually share with us his journey. Upon knocking at our door he was immersed into his 4th year of a vowed 5 year bike ride in honor of Matt Maupin who (4 years ago) was the first American soldier MIA, captured by terrorists (video-taped and all) and declared a POW in Iraq. Benjamin wanted to raise awareness of Matt’s dire situation so the American people could stand behind their lost soldier, rally together and advocate for our government to intensify their lack-luster search for him. Benjamin thought for certain if he just simply brought Matt’s story “to the people” Matt’s family along with many others would see this country and its people are truly worth fighting for. Benjamin believed in his heart Matt’s torturous unknown future as a POW in a foreign country he offered his life to fight (on our behalf) was not in vain and Benjamin believed that America would agree.

But alas, the Benjamin we would meet 4 years into his journey was another version, a stripped down, beaten, rebuked and abandoned ‘orphan’ that has been overlooked by a vast majority, an embarrassing large percentage of us people who call themselves by the name “Christian” who promised to Jesus Christ that we were His church, who claimed by right of birth to be Americans. His earlier broken-record tyrants were now beginning to penetrate my heart on a deeper level than the superficial offense provoking “judgemental blunt jargon” he had chosen when describing each and every denomination of Christians ever to be known. Actually although his words colorful, jumbled by his lisp and fueled with passion, he did not slander EVERY denomination, in all actuality he stretched my mind to hear just the opposite of what I had unknowingly, subconsciously come to believe engulfed in the snare and sins of “religion” and "judgement". He boasted in prideful manner uplifting the generosity of a few denominations that I had somehow came to a place of judgement over as less than “my standard”. He dragged the very denomination(s) I held at esteemed levels through the mud. I nearly had to laugh inside as the three of us sitting in this Lutheran church with Benjamin hearing him gut out a denomination of which all three of us feel a close connection and drawing too (aside from the Lutherans - which is the church we attend) and he pretty much plastered the inside of our sanctuary with their filthy remains. As I listened to this un-rated, un-filtered version spewing uncontrollably from his mouth I bantered back & forth internally between compassion, understanding and openness to the almighty sin of offense. I remember I even disengaged entirely, my mind wandered for a moment and I glanced at the clock at one point, being the countless 20-something time he was on another tyrant over such & such denominations and "salvation freaks" falling on my ears they were beginning to grow deaf. My mind was drifting to my selfish desire and I just wanted to “see” if this man’s venting was going to fill our “entire” prayer meeting so I checked the time. It was 7:50pm. In the beginning I remember moments of great compassion that filled my heart during this ongoing vent from Benjamin as well. I remember seeing him as an honorable man, on a noble quest, who had been hardened, embittered and failed by “the church” and the product had become a man who was the epitome of judgement over all Christians. Although he never asked for money, [he repeatedly asked for a way to “earn” what he needs to be on his way through our area so he needed to connect with a Pastor or Priest for information] I thought numerous times, his need is obviously money and I drifted back to the simplest of values taught to me by two generations of men in my family that fall into a mold I labeled “non-christian” and from my core I knew I wanted to give this man all the money I possessed at that moment because my deepest value was ringing through my mind as I clearly envisioned it flowing from the mouth of my family members to my heart “Give away what you have with joy because another needs it more than you do”.

It was slightly past 8:00 and I had decided to make my way to my car to gather all the cash I had or write this man a check, earlier in his conversation I had keenly picked up on a sentence where he shared $50 would take him from here all the way to North Dakota and I remember thinking “wow, $50 is so reasonable, this man is not asking for the world, how on earth will that little amount of money last him how ever many days it takes to ride a bike from Rice, MN to Fargo, ND!” As I grabbed my purse I was embarrassed, although I have a greater fortune and a bigger portion to share, I had NO checkbook and only $8 in cash and I wished to give so much more. I was unimpressed with myself but it was all I had and I knew with certainty he could use every penny so my measly $8 was essentially better than nothing. We gave this man all our collected money reaching a little over $40, nearly the amount needed to reach Fargo. We gave him directions to Little Falls and numbers of the specific churches he was seeking to find (the denominations that had welcomed him and helped him his entire 4 year journey and 3rd complete trip through 48 states. Only three denominations of “Christians” did not turn their back on this man and close their doors and so he had felt that he had grown favor in this community and actively sought those particular churches in each town he landed in). When I gave him my $8, he accepted with the most visible humility any person could have imagined, eyes towards the floor, legs shifting nervously and reaching out ever-so-gently he graciously accepted “my widow’s might” as if it were the “king’s treasure”. About 1 hour and 25 minutes after this dance began we were about to part ways, with the man named Benjamin Alan Best. We asked if we could pray for him before he left and he responded “well, that surely can’t hurt me so go ahead” ~ in true "Ben fashion"….so we prayed for all sorts of things and blessed Benjamin asking truly for God’s favor on his last 9 months ‘on the road’.

He exited the door of our church, I walked into the sanctuary and the three of us looked at one another in wonderment. I said “what on earth just happened?” and with those words a wave of titanic proportion perpetuated the flood that was violently released, revelation unfolded faster than the speed of light and my tiny mind exploded in recognition…..I had just spend 1 hour and 20 minutes with Jesus!! Instantly some of my favorite words from Mother Teresa came to my mind “The poor are Jesus in disguise”. Hard truth and conviction, repentance and mercy, abundant love and supernatural knowledge all surrounded in forgiveness was drowning me in this moment, that is Jesus. If I had to describe what was happening in my spirit in terms of taking place in my physical reality it would have been a scene from the Matrix no doubt! My tiny mind was blown into a million pieces once again, all in an instant, that is Jesus. Just as quickly as I asked the question, the Lord sent the answer and I screamed it out without reservation, like a child discovering something for the first time: THAT WAS JESUS! OH MY, OUR OPEN HEAVEN WAS A DATE WITH JESUS HIMSELF!! CAN YOU BELIEVE WE WERE JUST IN THE PRESENCE OF JESUS CHRIST?!!!!!!!! I was giddy, I longed to chase after Benjamin and thank him for being with me, spending his time with me, how honored and humbled I now felt to be in the presence of greatness! How “lucky” were we that no one was at our church all afternoon and Benjamin arrived sometime shortly after 1pm and he just lied on a picnic table BEHIND our church for all these hours and at 7:10pm he decided it was time to move on from Shepherds of the Pines giving up hope of finding a pastor here and he came around the front of the church to find 3 cars, inside 3 hungry souls who were blessed to be his divine appointment from our loving God. To sit in the presence of Jesus Christ and hear the most amazing biblical sermon and non-sugar coated Christian truth, challenged by his very words to explode out of the boxes we had been living in and keep our eyes on God’s ways not the world’s ways, convicted for the failures of all who claim to be God’s “church” and starkly seeing we have fallen so far from the simple truths and heavenly design of what it means to LIVE Christianity was a lot to chew. All of this out of the mouth of an “unchurched, ragged, tired, overlooked and unwanted” man, who indeed was Jesus in disguise. A Jesus that loves so greatly that He himself had come to open our eyes and teach us in the most beautiful “truck-driver” fashion imaginable! A blessing and a test in one blue jogging suit package.

Can I just say how much I love how the Lord speaks, works through ANYTHING and ANYONE & moves in peculiar ways to push you outside your comfort zone, to take great risks in “His name” so you may be BLESSED BY HIS GLORY when you receive the TRUTHS of His word into your heart!

This past Sunday as I sat in church and listened to Pastor Bob’s sermon on James 1:22-25, 27 [Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it—he will be blessed in what he does. Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.] and I was taken back to Africa with the mention of that scripture, widows and orphans. Although I know the definition of orphan is far greater than my ‘experience’ in Africa I fondly and longingly remembered my time with Jesus there and my love for those who are his most precious children. I sat in our church on Sunday thinking to myself how I would long for the intensity and reality of my experience in Africa to meet me here in Minnesota. The very next day I received an answer to that cry of my heart to love on one of God’s orphans, how magnificently beautiful is that.

Thank you Lord, that the 3 of us had a beyond-blessed opportunity to be present with You last night in tangible, living form. If that was not enough, thank you even more-so for the opportunity to LIVE Your word and show Benjamin Alan Best the love of Jesus Christ through TRUE Christianity so one day he may not only be your vessel to reach the world but he will RECEIVE you in his heart and recognize You to see how you have chosen him and used his life for a purpose far greater than he could imagine. Last but not least I want to thank you Jesus for filling me with more of You so I could love not through words but with action and in truth(although imperfect, impatient and with widow’s might) you could use a life as small as mine.

It is my pleasure and honor to pour out to you what He pours into me. What I learned last night from my 1 hour and 20 minutes with Jesus in the flesh of Benjamin Alan Best was more than I have learned in the past year. How embarrassing (and convicting) is it to see that 40 minutes into my "divine date" I lost interest for a few moments and denied the presence of my Lord to check the clock to see "how long He was going to be"...FORGIVE ME. Thank YOU LORD for dealing with me! The Lord uprooted and exposed so many weeds in the garden of my heart I could write for a week!! The Lord used my own family whom I have labeled and written off as "non-christian" to reveal God's own values planted in my heart through them, not church. Most obviously and loudly he dealt with my growing inclination to fall prey to the World's greatest sin of man's "religion" and how far I've wandered from child-like faith that I had once known. I had subconsciously began to "rate" denominations of faith according to my "liking" and JUDGE! The Lord burst that ignorant balloon to smithereens by having Benjamin's recorded 'sermon' on "repeat" mode ~ not because he was stuck in a tyrant of his own judgement and anger after all, it was because I had to hear it dozens of times to rise above the offense, receive with an open heart, open my DEAF EARS, recognize God's voice and CRY TO HIS PEOPLE in those words and take a stark look in the mirror to see my own shortcomings ~ this time not forgetting what my reflection looked like. God truly and powerfully reminded me, it never was his design for denominations = it's supposed to be "one church" who is God's bride living in constant relationship with Him and serving in His love to...

every.single.person.

no questions asked, just LOVE supernaturally and extravagantly and in this you will become "Christian" aka "little Christs" and your gift will be joy and fellowship with God Himself.

So it is with honor I close this post with Benjamin's parting gift to us, just as it is, just as he is, just as God has planned to use him. His blog titled "the lost soldier", his candid journey through the U.S. over the course of 4+ years on a bike(with 9 months to go) and his discovery that we are truly unworthy of all who have innocently paid the price for us with their lives, beginning (which should have been the ending) with Jesus Christ."

http://benjaminalanbest.blogspot.com/

Still Here (edited)

2009-05-20T08:19:00.001-07:00

I have NOT forgotten about this blog, but I've been focusing lately on my overwhelming busy schedule ~ or more-so letting "the schedule" overtake me so this detail has taken a back seat.

Admittedly, I've also been "stuck" in a period of "desert times" walking with the Lord so I have been focusing on [surviving] that journey as well without much to share of His workings, miracles and hand on my life ~ which is the essence of this blog's purpose to glorify my amazing God. This has been a time of a lot of personal reflection and some rough, necessary ups & downs on my emotional spiritual journey ~ the battlefield of the mind sometimes becomes an all out war! When I "make the time" to come here to reflect openly on the journey of these past few months I will certainly share all the ways my choices have affected my life and how even when I decided to become "too busy for God" the Lord has drowned me in His grace and continued to love me unconditionally even when I didn't deserve it! And most certainly when I pass through this phase in full I will see with clarity how He was with me on the journey and truly His workings, miracles and almighty Hand was on my life all along!

In the meantime, I pray the Lord shows His face to each of you and His grace truly floods your heart sweeping it clean of all the dirt that never needed to settle there!

Edited to add: Shortly after this post I read these words below and they soooo spoke to my heart and where I'm at as I emerge from the desert!

"This is the truth of the gospel: no matter how sordid your life has been, no matter how many sins have been, they are small compared to the grace of Christ. Jesus, the eternal son of God, became a man, and He offered himself on the cross through the eternal Spirit, to become a sacrifice of infinite value for your salvation. He can make you a new person just as easily as He brought the entire universe into existence by speaking."
~Walter Marshall, The Gospel Mystery of Sanctification

AMEN AND THANK GOD!

The Lord truly reminded me of his bottomless depths of drowning glory called GRACE (that I too live in) in the DVD teaching by Louie Giglio titled "Fruitcake and Ice Cream" if EVER you wanted to hear some beautiful words and testimony of God's IMMENSE grace seek this DVD!!

But friends, that's exactly who we are: children of God. And that's only the beginning. Who knows how we'll end up[or in my case how often we'll trip & fall]! What we know is that when Christ is openly revealed, we'll see him—and in seeing him, become like him. All of us who look forward to his coming stay ready, with the glistening purity of Jesus' life as a model for our own. ~ 1 John 3:2-3 (msg)

Memories.

2009-04-08T12:27:00.000-07:00

Join with me in lifting up Rwanda as April 6th marked the beginning of their 15th year anniversary of surviving genocide. 15 years may seem long to some of you, but I assure you behind the eyes of an orphaned 9yr old child who witnessed terror unspeakable to your imagination, 15 years, 50 years or 15 seconds....when April 6th arrives so does the pain, memories, nightmares, heartache and mourning with vivid intensity. I sometimes wonder how long it would take me to mourn 1 million tragic deaths of my fellow brothers, sisters, parents, grandparents, neighbors, friends, teachers, pastors and so on... a lifetime at the least.

This is a photo Jean Claude sent to me in January, a typical lunch scene for him with friends.

A beautiful story that is not mine to tell of a boy rising from the ashes to shine like a diamond is my precious "old son" Jean Claude of the Best Family in Rwanda. Today I meditate on his email which is filled with so much pain of the past yet somehow I receive his words with a heart of hope for a future, for he can not see the works the Lord is doing through his life...but I surely can. It has been 2 weeks since I have exchanged emails with Jean Claude, I normally receive at least 2 emails per week, lots of prayer-filled emails. I in turn did not send any his way as I was "stuck" in prayer over my last conversation with him, trying to discern the solution for the children who are without means for schooling in our Best Family, lingering and focussing on a financial hurdle which feels like a lose-lose burden at the moment.

Although I don't believe in irony, I'm going to say it is most ironic that I have pondered these past 2 weeks what is my "purpose" with the Best Family ~ as in long term. I feel "benched" from the missions field as of late thinking it's not my reality that I will be traveling to see these sweet faces in any sort of near future, so the hope of being a tangible, physical presence in their life is whithering for me. I wondered in the quietness of my heart, not even truly praying, just pondering...Lord, what is my purpose in their lives, do you need me to stand in the gap for financial purposes or what can I truly offer these orphans "from a far" on a long term basis, will this relationship drift off or remain closely connected since our visit 9 long months ago? What is mine to do for these precious children?!? You know, I had some seed of doubt trying to take root in my heart and thank goodness the Lord seen this and knew He should, step in to guide me and graciously reassure me of my need.

So Jean Claude sent me an email yesterday and seeking to know "where have I been, why is there not any emails from me, his 'mum' that he needs?" He explained with many unnecessary apologies that he has been without internet access for these two weeks and that is why he did not email me. His absence was commissioned by the RPF (Gov't party) for him and his college classmates to go out to the villages deep into the southern & northern provinces to teach peace to the people preparing for another season of darkness as this genocide anniversary was approaching. He spent these two weeks promoting the Lord desires for Rwandan people, love, forgiveness and anti-genocide ideology to prevent and dissuade an angry uprising among the people who still live in bondage to the horror they have witness and the pain that has consumed them for 1 1/2 decades. He went to serve the Lord as his peacemaker. Then he made his way to the dearest "older" children of the Best Family who are surviving orphans of this genocide to be with them in this time of their deepest emotional need. He is finally back at school and he came seeking his email to be greeted by me, but there was nothing there to greet him from me. I had lost sight on what was most important, my response emails.

After he has attended all the needs of others, he reaches out to me wearing his hurting heart on his sleeve crying out to me "where are you mum?" and I received from the Lord with a crystal clear direct line drowning in conviction...this is my need. Jean Claude begs of me "am I still under your love, prayers, affection, compassion and family? I wish for this to be FOREVER." He goes on to apologize at the shortness of his email, not hearing from me in so long he wasn't sure if he should write. He closes his message to me saying "I must go now, I am not fine in my heart, I am crying real tears as I remember my genocide testimony (which he has shared with me)."

Oh Lord, I buckle at the knees to think where my heart was wandering and why I ever let doubt find a place to put cracks in the seams you've sewn. I know my need and I realize only through YOU JESUS is it possible to love 50+ children an ocean away simply through email. But that is exactly what you're doing...so I poured my heart out to my hurting "old child" with all the love, prayers, affection, compassion and family support I could in every single sentence the Lord graced my mind to muster. Jean Claude once shared with me the importance of my role as a mom to him, because at the age of 9yrs old when his father and sister were murdered in the genocide, his mother took Jean Claude no longer as her son, but as her husband, caretaker and family provider. At 9yrs old a man was forced to be born from the ashes of this genocide and so he has clung tightly to his father's dying wish to fill his shoes, become a man of God, live forgiveness and peace and in doing so he has been polished into a powerfully anointed servant of the Lord who shines like an irreplaceable diamond, yet the need for a mother's love never leaves his soul's deepest desire for I am sent to love that broken 9yr old boy's heart.

Thank you Lord that you've chosen me to receive this gift. For it is in giving that we receive ~ so I give my mother's heart to the orphans of the Best Family and I receive more love than my heart can hold.

The Best Family Children in their "Sunday's Best" celebrating Christmas back in December.

Focus on Fasting

2009-03-30T12:36:00.000-07:00

Fasting from Anger and Unforgiveness

(GULP!) I'm ready ~ you?

Reflection ?'s:
~If I fast from anger what can I replace it with? (I'm praying for snickers! hee hee)

~Why is forgiveness so difficult for me?

~What connection is there between my anger and my being unwilling to forgive?

Scripture: John 12:24
"Unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains just a grain of wheat; but if it dies, it produces much fruit."

Wow, how I LOVE these words!

~ Can you recall a time in your life when this passage was a reflection of what was happening for you? "I can answer this in one word (although it has a deep definition, including many chapters) = infertility"

~ Can you name the "fruit" that was produced from this experience? "Fruit so sweet I can barely stand to share it = Zachary & Boston."

THANK YOU Jesus!

Trusting for Trey

2009-03-25T09:21:00.001-07:00

Join with me in trusting our Lord through the petitioning prayers of His faithful people that Trey will receive the breakthrough he so needs from our gracious, giving, loving, almighty God.

Go here to read all about Trey's journey through this uncertain life that he has battled so fiercely to be a part of here on earth:

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/trey13

For those of you who are not familiar with caringbridge, click on "my story" to read all about the trials & tribulations this sweet angel has faced in his 5 short years.

So I call out to all of you whom read this blog, join me in the greatest gift we could give this child ~ our prayers. The power of prayer continues to blow my small mind daily and so oddly, I tell you beside the ache, pain, saddness and fear that fills my heart for Trey and his family I find an equal amount of rest Trusting (in Him) for Trey. Our God of the IMPOSSIBLE is awaiting us to call on Him for this family, let's not let this little boy down and gift him our prayers.

Loving Father,

I come to You with heaviness of a burdened heart. A heart that can not fathom the terror of living in an unknown realm of darkness, loving a boy who lives in hostage to seizures. God You have softened my heart to such a serious and terrifying encounter and so I cry out to You with all I have to reach down and touch Your precious Trey with Your Almighty healing hand. Lord, I trust that Your ways are not our own ways ~ help us to know Your peace when we can not see through the storm, help us to fix our eyes upon YOU. I know You will open doors for this child and supernaturally supply the funds necessary for him to complete the journey You have set forth for his life. I call on You to fulfill Your promises in Isaiah 58: Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard. God these are beautiful words from You to rest in and know that You have a plan to prosper Trey, and You will pass through the waters along side him. I give my heart in prayer to You Lord and I'm trusting for Trey that all we need is found in Your faithful promises: Matthew 7: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.

~ Trusting for Trey with all my heart, your daughter always,

Maria

Are you ready?...

2009-03-23T08:25:00.000-07:00

For this challenge ~ Focus on Fasting for this week:

Fasting from Gossip!

I LOVE THIS ONE!!! What's even more "maria style"[as in better WAY LATE than never] is I've finally decided to include more to this challenge, questions to ponder & scripture to note that is also a part of this weekly board display ~ I know the Sisters won't mind if I spread their genius ideas on through my blog.

The scripture that is referenced in coordination with this week's super awesome challenge is:

"Whoever lives the truth comes to the light, so that his/her works may be clearly seen as done by God." John 3:21

Questions for reflection:

-Who becomes the focus of attention when gossip is passed on?

-Who/What becomes the victim when I gossip?

-How can I transform the energy I experience when I gossip about another into energy for praise & gratitude? (HELLO ~ AWESOME!)

Focus on Fasting

2009-03-16T08:07:00.000-07:00

Here's the posted FSLF "dare" for this week, ya ready:

Fasting from Judgement!

OOOH, I like this one! It's one I work on pretty much non-stop since reading Bait of Satan by John Bevere! It's actually an inner challenge I REALLY LOVE! Who's in it with me?

BTW: How did ya do last week? I'll be the first to admit I had some failures..okay, ya got me...a lot...but I did seem to recognize just about every time I complained ~ right after I just finished complaining ~ eek! Work in progress, work in progress [that's my inner motivational speaker trying to encourage my self-esteem to keep trying even though I'm apparently a big ole complainer!] ha!

My favorite prayer

2009-03-11T11:52:00.000-07:00

I offer my life
I offer my life to you Jesus Christ
for you to live in me and through me
Here is my face – shine from it
Here are my ears – hear the cry of hurting persons through them
Here are my eyes – see the faces of those who need your blessing and bless them with the healing look that radiates from you my Lord, through my eyes
Here is my tongue – speak through it, speak words of encouragement and
affirmation
Here o Lord are my hands – use them to touch, stroke, hold, lift
and steady another human being.
Here o Lord are my feet – walk where you want me to go.
And may those who follow me, be following Jesus Christ.
Amen
Posted on the wall of a beautiful place in Rwanda was this prayer that shattered me to the core, hit my heart in places I never knew I had. I think the effect of reading this prayer while standing next to Rwandan women who have been survivors all their lives, from genocide ~ to prostitution ~ to homelessness ~ to single mother ~ to AIDS victim ~ each story is unique and devastating more often than not...but they are linked by always knowing they are beautiful daughters of Jesus Christ, offering themselves and their lives at any cost. Standing in the presence of such greatness, knowing simply "life" in itself has truly cost these women ALL they've had to give humbles me and that is why this prayer takes me to that place where emotions burst over the levy's in my heart and force me just to be vulnerable, surrendering to the awe-inspiring love God has for each of His children and soak in the inspiration these words and these Rwandan lives bring to me. This is by far my favorite prayer of all time! Not only do I long to pray these words, I long to live this prayer!

Crockpot

2009-03-10T10:42:00.000-07:00

The entry I have today is just a bunch of little compilations to throw in the "crockpot" of your soul so here goes:

Firstly I wanted to share these words from one of my devotional prayer books for today. I just love the message! Here's the final paragraph: "God has not promised that we will never be lonely, but He has promised that in Him, we will never be alone. He has not promised that we will be free from pain and sorrow, but He has promised that He will be our help, our strength, and our everlasting peace. Since by God's grace, every circumstance finds us abiding in Christ, we will find Christ abiding with us in every circumstance." I will never leave you nor forsake you ~ Hebrews 13:5 For you music lovers these words totally remind me of a few awesome songs that always yank at my tear glands; I Will Never Leave You Children by Jason Upton, Held by Natalie Grant and Heal the Wound by Point of Grace.

Secondly I wanted to share with you all a small revelation that came to me. Some of you may be very well aware we are in the midst of Lent and participating in relative practices. Some of you may not give a hoot. I used to fall into the latter category, I'm now seeking to join the first category. Still being relatively new to this Christian gig, I wasn't all to familiar with Lent, it's purpose nor any of the specifics ~ but working at a convent I was aware of when it took place on the calender, mostly because of "Fat Tuesday" and the free homemade donuts. Previously, all I really cared to know on the subject was that it's when most of my co-workers swear of sweets for awhile and I must fully stock my only chocolate supply! ;) Since I never felt the drive or motivation to swear off candy & dessert for Jesus I never took the time to delve into the depths of Lent. I'm still largely in the dark about the spiritual journey Lent has to offer...BUT...I'm learning! ;) One thing that I loved to find here at the convent that helped open my eyes to possible other meanings of Lent aside from resisting my sweet tooth is a bulletin board the sister's have posted that has a certain little weekly message titled "Focus on Fasting". Last week it said "Fast from criticism"....and the revelation hit me, with snickers in hand ~ WOW, those are great words and something I would LOVE to do in honor of Jesus, Lent, my growing knowledge of my faith, and I can still eat this snickers guilt free knowing that I'm not dishonoring my love for God. WHEW! Well, my lil confession is that I believe I failed miserably[thus eating extra snickers] and I think I owe most my apologies to Donny! So this week I'm back with avengance to hold fast to the challenge: Focus on Fasting: Fast from complaining. I'm in it to win it this week! I thought these were awesome suggestions so I wanted to bring them here for you all to see and challenge you to embrace them with me ~ Lent inspired or not ~ it's a "Fast" we all could stand to try! I'm hoping I'll make it here each Monday morning to post the next week's Focus for fasting so if all two of you who read this blog wanna join me, you can!

Lastly; I've posted this elsewhere but I just love the words soooo much I must post them here as well. So if it's repeat for some ~ sorry ~ but seriously this is fashion advice to live by so it's worth repeating!! It's no mystery that I have no sense of fashion and that more often than not my hair ends up rotating from one disaster to another which usually compliments the eyesore I call my wardrobe, so when I found this sound advice I took it to heart immediately and I think you all might like it too? "Gray hair is a crown of splendor; it is attained in the way of righteousness. ~ Proverbs 16:31" I'm contemplating sending this in for consideration for Paul Mitchell's '09 advertising campaign?

Awakening

2009-03-07T08:14:00.000-08:00

I wonder if this ever happens to others as often as it happens to me, you're strumming along aimlessly and out of the blue something so ordinary becomes extraordinary...something you've known/seen/read/heard greets you as if it were for the very first time and impacts you in a greater way than you've ever known imaginable. What I've come to know as a divine awakening! ;)

That is what is happening for me with this amazing story:

One night an old man had a dream he had died and gone to heaven, where he was given a chance to review the footsteps in his life. He looked down and noticed that all over the dark valleys and difficult places he had traveled, there was only one set of footprints, but over the plains and across the beautiful mountains there were two sets of footprints as if someone had walked by his side.

He turned to the Lord and said, "There is something I can't understand about my life on earth. Why is is that across the mountains and over the smooth plains and easy places you have walked by my side, but here over the rough and difficult places I have walked alone, for I see in these places there is just one set of footprints?"

The Lord turned to the man and said, "It is true that while your life was easy I walked along by your side. I was your companion, but here when the walking was hard, and the path was difficult, here where you crossed the battlefields of life and did not have the strength to endure, I realized that was the time you needed me most.

"And that is why I carried you."

~ Famously knows as the beautiful "Footprints"

Thanks for always carrying me Lord, my heart explodes from the depths of your love!

Hungry

2009-02-25T10:58:00.000-08:00

I’ve been learning the past weeks a valuable lesson about how to surrender and this song by Kathryn Scott truly unglued me at the seams on Monday night…it beautifully captures the rhythm of my life in these moments.

Hungry I come to you
For I know you satisfy
I am empty but I know
Your love does not run dry

Lord, I am so empty without your love and your presence in my life! I’ve turned my eyes from my beloved Jesus and focused on the storms that ravage the lives in this broken world, I feel myself sinking just as Peter did. The hurt, the exhaustion, the pain, the sorrow it’s all consuming without Your strength, Your power, Your grace, Your compassion and Your mercy. Lord, I need to keep my eyes on You for You have promised me in Isaiah 43 that when I pass through the waters You will be with me and the river can not overtake me. Lord, I know this in my heart, some days I must remind my head! Help me to remember Lord how hungry I am for your Spirit! It is Your Spirit that leads my heart to the place of motherhood loving the Best Family children. Show me how to love them through their pain: Innocence dying; a childhood stolen because of war. Innocence dying, an inherited disease that is killing their physical body. Oh Lord, I am empty and so hungry. Help me to know how to show them Your love does not run dry…

So I wait for you
So I wait for you

I wait for You Lord, some days I ache so deeply is it so hard to wait! So many times I fall short, struggling to “know” when and how to move and You’ve answered me so sweetly these past weeks with your beautiful promises in Psalm 27. Oh all the ways You answer the cries of our hearts, if only we wait in silence for Your voice. So I wait for You, needing YOUR guidance on how to touch and comfort my children from the east to the west. Those who are right here at my finger tips struggling endlessly with illness in it's physical and mental forms. Those I can not hold when they so dearly need a mother’s hug as they embrace the reality of death knocking on their door. Those who live in captivity of memories they can not erase of horror no eyes should ever witness none-the-less eyes of a child, these are the children you’ve woven into my life and my heart Lord ~ so I wait on You to fill me to overflowing with YOUR love for them, take my words and make them Yours!

I'm falling on my knees
Offering all of me
Jesus your all this heart is living for

Prayer; oh Lord thank you for the gift of prayer ~ I cry out to You my Father for the children, falling on my knees. All the children that ache in my heart for so many reasons. I focus my eyes unto You Lord and meet you in prayer, falling on my knees, knowing I can not do this without You. Jesus truly, You’re all this heart is living for. I know this without doubt because when my eyes turn from Your loving gaze, I feel empty, sinking and without life, hence I have no life to give! Truly, You are ALL this heart is living for!

Broken I run to you
For your arms are open wide
I am weary but I know
Your love does not run dry

BROKEN; Jesus I am broken, You know this. A heart of compassion seeps brokenness like a raging river and Lord I give it all to You. I can not carry the heaviness of all the pain You’ve shown me. I realized that is what I’ve been trying to do these days so You gently remind me in Your loving way through the mouth of a familiar face to fall back into Your arms wide open awaiting to catch me, BROKEN I fall onto You knowing it's safe to be broken BY You. Broken because my Best Family child Jean Claude has re-lived the horror of Rwanda’s genocide to give us written testimony of what terror his 9 year old eyes have seen. Testimony of how his innocence was stolen from him. A story of a boy who hid silenced in terrifying fear just feet away watching his naked father bludgeoned and dismembered, limb by limb while crying out in agony; watching in fear as his defenseless sister was defiled, tortured and raped before his very eyes, lying helplessly dying next to her father. A 9 year old boy who mustered the courage to cradle his bleeding, dying father in his small, tiny, child arms and listen whole heartedly to the plea’s of his dying father; begging Jean Claude to forgive those who had hurt them, begging his son to grow to know Jesus and be a man of God, caring for others before himself…a boy who’s final memory of his father is both wretched and yet somehow bittersweet in a way can no words can describe because it is a story of Your presence admist the terror God, only a story that You can see the beauty from the ashes as it unfolds. Lord, how proud his father must be looking down. Jean Claude has risen to the challenge and answered the cries of his father’s dying wish beyond measure! Jesus I am BROKEN; You know this…how can I envision my dear “old child” Jean Claude as a 9 year old living this unspeakable nightmare! BROKEN.

Jesus I am BROKEN because Jean Claude just shared with me yesterday that one of our dearest Best Family daughter’s is in her final days, losing the fight for her life to AIDS. I am BROKEN because my poor child has no one to hold her while she waits for her heavenly Father to come and take her home. BROKEN because my heart longs to be the arms that embrace her assuring this tiny child of Your love. Lord, I am broken because of all these children that live in my heart and my incapacity to meet their needs; my physical children and my spiritual children alike, I can not take their pain away. I know this is because YOU are meant to meet their needs Lord. The beauty in this lesson Lord is that I'm finally learning what you've been trying to teach: how to truly surrender. Help me fix my eyes upon you Lord and surrender my children to You, I am weary in strength there is no doubt, You alone know the depths of my exhaustion but I know Your love does not run dry. Lord, I wait in faith…for You…

So I wait for you
So I wait for you

Because I suck...

2009-02-03T12:11:00.000-08:00

At updating this blog as much as I LONG TO!

Go check out this amazing sister of my soul (whom I've never met, but hope some day I might)...Katie (she's linked on my right sidebar as well)! I wanted to do a huge rev-ya-up kind of post to introduce her many different times over the course of several months, but since I've failed to find the right words to box in this girl who is living outside the capacity of any box responding to the call to be the hands & feet of Jesus Christ in Uganda...I'm just going to cut to the chase and say YOU MUST GO CHECK HER OUT.

Her ministry Amazima Ministries International:

Her UNDESCRIBABLY INSPIRING blog (that I have been stalking for MANY MANY MONTHS):

http://kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com/

Hot & Cold

2009-01-23T13:07:00.000-08:00

Sorry, I have been missing in action these days...some of this absence can be blamed upon illness (shame on the influenza type A that's all I've got to say about it!), but in all honesty what's happening in my mind these days is something reminiscent of a solitary light bulb, in the corner of the dark basement, swinging back and forth, flickering from a disrupted power source. I have actually began 4 blog posts over the course of the past 3+ weeks I've been absent...just as I'm about to fully engulf myself to drown in God's grace...life comes barrelling through the door interrupting my intimate time basking in the presence of Jesus and letting His infinite love flow from my soul to these keys to your eyes. So I click "save" or I close my "notebook" and I tell myself "I'll be back" as if I'll actually believe it more if I just promise it to myself. Well, I do come back...completely inspired by some other life-teaching God moment that has occured and I begin the process all over again. What a crazy cycle I'm trapped on these days...hot or cold seem to be my only two modes. Cold when I'm engaged fully in "this world" and FIRE HOT when I'm hopelessly lost in "His world". There is much rumbling around inside me yet I'm having a hard time channeling the energy, I'm in a phase where I'm seriously just taking the time to learn, with God as my ultimate teacher I could spend every day in the classroom and never hear the bell ring!

My latest source of inspiration comes from a lady that literally perspires soul from her being as a human. She has had this ability to draw me in long before I knew the Lord, but now that I hear through different ears I find myself lured even more towards her presence and the truth in her words.

I find myself meditating on these wise words from Tracy Chapman in her song "paper and ink" (I suggest you listen to the song!!!)

Touched the mirror

Broke the surface of the water

Saw my true self

All illusions shattered

Money's only paper only ink

We'll destroy ourselves if we can't agree

How the world turns

Who made the sun

Who owns the sea

The world we know will fall piece by piece

Sat down up close to the colored black hole

Like they'd always told me not to

Saw the one dimension polka dot pacifier

And all illusions shattered

Money's only paper only ink

We'll destroy ourselves if we can't agree

How the world turns

Who made the sun

Who owns the sea

The world we know will fall piece by piece

Bared myself wholly heart and body unadorned

Stripped down solely

To the evil and the good

Felt no shame

Naked to the world

And all illusions shattered

Money's only paper only ink

We'll destroy ourselves if we can't agree

How the world turns

Who made the sun

Who owns the sea

The world we know will fall piece by piece

Faced towards the sea

Looked to heaven up above

Felt the world revolve around me

No one could tell me otherwise

But the turbulent waters won't reflect this life

Only the sun the moon and sky

And all illusions shattered

Money's only paper only ink

We'll destroy ourselves if we can't agree

How the world turns

Who made the sun

Who owns the sea

The world we know will fall piece by piece

Money's only paper only ink

Once I can channel what's going on inside me and keep my children healthy for longer than 24 hours...I hope the good Lord will grace me with the words to share and continue to ramble! Until then all I can do is continually apologize for being a slack blogger! I promise I hold many gems in the treasure chest...both from Africa and America! Their luster never dulls even if I'm holding them secretly captive from you all longer than I promised I would!

The end and the beginning...

2008-12-31T12:43:00.000-08:00

I'm not going to get all deep about the ending of 2008 and the beginning of 2009 mostly because, I don't have to this book of mine does it so much better and in less words than anything I would write! These were words that greeted me today and they sent my mind to that deep place whereas my heart tagged along too. So I want to share them here, just in case it touches one of you the way it touches me...

Take a Good Look

If you've never studied astronomy, you could look at the stars all night long and never know anything about them. However, if you were to get a star chart and a telescope, those little points of light would take on more meaning and significance. It's the same with the places where God is working in your life. If you don't make an effort to know God, you'll miss out on the amazing things God is doing right now and wants to do in your future.

May grace and peace be yours from God our Father and from the Lord Jesus Christ. ~ Galatians 1:3

Wow, how these words sum up my current state of mind just perfectly and I love this scripture to end one magnificent year growing, learning, serving and loving Christ!

Christmas through new eyes

2008-12-29T08:30:00.000-08:00

This year I made a promise to my heart; to take my eyes of "santa" and focus them solely on Jesus and the true purpose of Christmas. I wanted a living Jesus to be my greatest gift this year. And He was!! ~ no doubt in that! He came packaged in many different faces, many different voices, many different souls yet His eyes always remained the same so I could not mistake each gift that I received. The most precious sights for me was how I seen Jesus in my husband, I seen Him in my two sons and this brought tears to my eyes that only God could send, tears of joy and tears of love...a love so grand there's no way to measure it...a love so deep it could only be classified as holiness touching my heart.

What I didn't plan on, what I didn't expect was the gift of receiving Jesus through the eyes of my beloved Best Family. My children I can not hold, my children whose eyes I can not see, my children who have no parents to love on them and no santa to bring them gifts, but alas...they have much more, they have the living Jesus inside their hearts to celebrate, a gift far greater than anything wrapped in paper! It was my honor to learn yet another lesson by having the privilege of the Best Family Children sharing with me the true gift of Christmas through new eyes, their eyes. Here's the email we received on Christmas Eve from Jean Claude:

Hello Maria, Donny and Boston+Zachary!
I wish you Merry CHRISTMAS! This is a special day in our Life and in our Hearts.
Because MARIA(think about your meaning in Name) is going to beget a Highest Child, in whom we shall be saved. And we will never go in Heaven without pass through this SON who is annointed.

As Best Family children we are very excited to this Child who was born in bad Place, in poor Family, without Support, without any thing. But after He became a special one, and all people alike Rich and Poor, Tall and Short, White and Black, Big and Thin, Intelligents and Less Intelligents, and so on must be saved in his name, to go in heaven they must pass before him!

That is our Trust as Best Family, we are no Value now, but we each will become the Special one, because our Father called GOD and our Mother called MARIA(halleluya jesus christ for our own mary, mother).

To day afternoon we start together to think about GOD's LOVE. love to us which grand to give us his beloved Son. and we pass all night long in Prayers and Thanking him till tomorrow morning, where all your children celebrate new family.

Maria Mery Christmas too. And we must joint with you in mind or on hearts..

~BEST FAMILY CHILDREN

I've said it before and I'll say it again...God truly knows how to love His beloved, because I have never felt more loved and more grateful for the true gift of Christmas than I did this year! The Lord showed me in ways beyond my comprehension the gift of His love and it was my greatest Christmas present EVER!

My latest Best Family letter

2008-12-16T11:48:00.000-08:00

Here is a letter from Jean Claude sent in response to an envelope I sent from our Sunday school children. Inside the 9x12" envelope were some colored pictures from children ages 5-9yrs old and a written letter by the 5th & 6th graders explaining what autumn is like in Minnesota, also they were gracious enough to include all the ways they pray for the children of the Best Family to be blessed. 2 months later, the package finally arrived (makes me wonder how long it will be till the Christmas packages arrive since we only mailed them out last week!!). Anyway, I just had to share how tremendously humbling it is to receive all this gratitude simply from some colored sheets of construction paper and a one page letter ~ what greater gifts are these words to my heart...

Hello mum!

How are you mum? How is Dad? How are my brothers? They are very fine as I always wish and want. I'm writing this e-mail with full happiness because of my Family in USA. those Children of 9 to 10 years have made us very happy yesterday for their wonderful and exciting Drawings. Best family USA sent good pictures to their other Best Family Rwanda, and they know to draw so much in beauty. You will also show them what their brothers and sisters designed or painted soon. And we thank them for a wonderful Letter they wrote to us, which consist of the best words concerning their prayers to us and wishes for the gift of Life to us. We make sure that we will live in better life in the name of Jesus our lord and we trust all things in GOD. And we have known blessings from God that we have the wonderful relatives(brothers and sister) who loves us so much and always think about us and pray for us in all their times. God bless them so much and their families. And God bless you Maria and Donny for your best intermediary between your two families(Rwanda family and USA family). My children are very very happy about the children from your church, and they shall write back soon. And they are very very proud about their mum and dad in USA(maria and donny). They are telling me in these days that they are no longer Orphans now, because they have the Parents who always look after them. This is the confidence of life you have given to my children. I'm very happy about that. God has blessed me by this.

Our parents, Be blessed so much.

Our Relatives at church, be blessed so much.

Stay with GOD in all times.

~ Best Family Rwanda.

Someone stole...

2008-12-09T09:08:00.001-08:00

The thoughts from my soul and the beats from my heart with this video...

I promise to get back to the mission trip stories as soon as I find a moment TO BREATHE! Till then "gasp"....

Sorry!

2008-12-03T12:40:00.000-08:00

I'm still alive and have not purposely been neglecting my blogging duties. The Lord has me running on over time and I'm loving it...but it leaves little or not time for blogging and OH SO MUCH to say! I was just thinking the other day, I'm not sure if I'll ever finish blogging about our trip, especially since God is doing SOOO MUCH in the present, that I wanna share all that too! But then I remembered I haven't shared some of the most amazing "Donny" stories about our trip so I have, have, have to continue....so I plan to blog about our final day in Rwanda next up...stay tuned! Until then, check out this lil video I found which sends shivers up my spine! Makes me think endlessly about all the beautiful babes I held at A-Hope and how much God taught me from that blessing.

Speechless...

2008-11-18T07:58:00.000-08:00

Simply unbelievable...this video totally destroys my heart! Tom Davis and Children's Hope Chest are doing some amazing things. Check them out!! Seriously, is God pulling at any of your hearts as deeply as he pulls on mine through the eyes of these children! It's nearly unbearable.

http://www.hopechest.org/

Compelled by Love

2008-11-17T10:25:00.000-08:00

I'm reading Heidi Baker's newest book "Compelled by Love". Somehow the Lord just speaks to me through her words and her books and so I'm addicted to whatever materials the Baker's produce! I just wanted to share with you all a superb paragraph from the foreword of this book written by Bill Johnson, who is another guy that can write a darn good book! Anyway, these words summed up something so phenomenal to me, I had to share. I just can't find words to describe my seemingly long struggle to transition back into "normal" life AFTER Africa and this guy's story gives me great comfort that at least I'm not the only one!

A friend of mine went to Mozambique, Africa, to spend a couple of weeks helping the Bakers in their ministry. When he returned home, he found himself breaking down and weeping for no apparent reason. He then realized he was crying because he "missed Jesus." His days of being with Heidi and her ministry were so overwhelmingly like the days when Jesus walked on the earth that he was forever ruined for any other lifestyle. The realization that he was no longer in that atmosphere made him weep for what he was missing. Oh, that there would be more tears of desperation for what could be.

This paragraph speaks volumes to me on many levels but I won't bore you with every detail. I love that I've finally found words to my unexplainable weeping and longing for all things Africa. It's because while in Africa, Jesus showed His face to me and ruined me for any other lifestyle! I have a hard time understanding so many things that changed inside me. It is crazy what happens when you find that desperation in your soul for something "more" and that heart cry is answered by GOD HIMSELF. The presence of His overflowing love is not easily understood by our small little brains and certainly not easy to consume or contain! Which is His plan all along ~ to fill you to overflowing so you have no choice but to spill His love all over the place! Quite frankly, what I've learned is this, God's touch...ruins you. It is the most beautiful way to live; ruined, wrecked, a mess, every minute of every day...fluttering about in chaos not having one desire for control, longing desperately for the constant presence of Jesus Christ in your life, your heart and your soul. This is how I find myself living now and I've never enjoyed my life more. This is how God wants each of us to live, in Him and forever with Him. If we'd just slide outta the driver's seat for but a minute to invite him to take the wheel...my how the view would be different from the passenger's side, the drive would become a journey to embrace and not control. The sights would be indescribable and the joy in your heart would be immeasurable.

Toss Him the keys, He's just waiting for the invite...what would one joyride hurt? I promise you'll never wanna drive again!

City Sweep

2008-11-10T06:36:00.000-08:00

I am a world shaker
you are my strength
I will take it to the streets
and the lost will be saved

I will to sing to the one
seated to the right
and You will come down
oh what a glorious sight!

These are the words the Lord has given me as my strength, my hope, my courage and my power to sing to life His joy as He leads me on a journey far greater than anything I could accomplish of my own will. In all actuality the circumstances I've "fallen into" are a bit terrifying if I don't remain focused on God and trust blindly knowing He is leading me. I'm finally learning for myself this "loving the lost" is a messy but gloriously beautiful job! Praise God for all the people who loved me when I was lost!! Have I said this enough yet "I feel so lucky to be me!" God is awesome and I'm His world shaker!!!

The depths of gratitude?

2008-11-04T09:42:00.000-08:00

How deep can one well run? It feels as though there is no possible way to hit the bottom of this well I've tapped overflowing with an abundant lifetime supply of one of the soul's richest resources...gratitude.

When God is at work weaving lives together the gift that becomes two-fold is a relationship built from the depths of gratitude ~ supernatural gratitude! A reciprocal honor of one another's life blooming through each soul's immeasurable love for Jesus Christ. Seriously! C'mon now...are you getting this?! [my favorite Joyce Meyer line when she's preaching a good message!]

This is larger than the possibility of our limited human capacity to understand! Here we have this beautiful divinely orchestrated phenomenon being born between a couple of nobodies in Minnesota and a few dozen forgotten lives in the streets of Rwanda and what I'm trying to tell you all is the fundamental level here is you just have to know in your mind, heart & soul beyond doubt all the glory goes to God!!! This is our BIG GOD people, shining vibrant and very much alive! Oh how He answers the pleas for more of HIM and less of me!! Whatever door that opens, light that shines, dollar that saves, relationship that blossoms and miracle that unfolds, it's only because of our graciously humbling, miraculously huge Almighty One. This welling up of gratitude to a point of overflowing comes from my love for God and His amazing ability to use my small life for His greater purpose! I feel like I could shout "I am so lucky to be me!" Oh thank you Lord that you have chosen to use my life to make a greater difference ~ one so impossible for me to imagine that I can only lean on you Lord and trust solely in your supernatural plans. Of my own power I would be destined to fail these 50+ helpless lives, but because of YOU GOD, we will all succeed as family, as servants and your WILL...will be done, these children will have a hope and a future as You have promised!

To my surprise, gratitude on a "God level" comes with a free gift ~ returned gratitude, from both God and the lives He compels you to touch. If it's not enough to overwhelm me just knowing God is using my life for good, try imaging what it feels like to know God is using another to share His loving gratitude for you just desiring to serve Him and His people. The Lord continually explodes my heart time and again through the irreplaceable words of a young man named Jean Claude who's gratitude for "knowing me" is far beyond any gift I ever deserved to receive.

The Lord recently opened another door for the Best Family, the HUGEST answered prayer yet, granting them a donation large enough to purchase computer equipment so our dream of a website (to reach, recrute and blend our family with all of YOU) can begin to take form. I have to confess I thought this opportunity was a long shot so I did not invest all my hope in this avenue to save myself from dissapointment and discouragement (since this one avenue was the ONLY card I held in my pocket) and God came through in a mighty way to show me yet again ~ my small faith can not limit Him nor box Him in!! This is God's plans unfolding for the Best Family, not mine. It never had anything to do with me except for the simple fact that once upon a time I asked the loaded question "God, can I have more of You?" and He threw me on a plane destined for Africa to show me His love for me and more importantly what His love might look like THROUGH ME when He answers my plea for more of Him. So I praise God for this donation that is the foundation of our new beginning, the launching pad of a big, bright future for children so dear to Jesus my heart can barely stretch fast enough to hold all the love. Their faith and dependence upon Him has born miracles beyond their wildest imagination!

I had the privilege of sharing this monumental news with Jean Claude which is a gift all in itself to be able to be God's messenger! So here's that gratitude I've been gifted to receive in it's true form from the heart of God filtering through the words of Jean Claude. The saying that God knows how to love his beloved is so very true as I've never felt more loved by both God and the Best Family than through words as beautiful as these;

Maria! Hello! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

ooooh, My GOD, hallowed be your Name and Glory, Power be yours forever.
I don't think so, it's DREAMS, it feels as DREAMS (I'm really dreaming).
We are going see a LAPTOP? and WEB-SITE?
GOD is really good.
The GOD' s works are not like the People works'
and the GOD' s power is not like the People power.
And what are impossible to the People, become possible before GOD.

Maria, I thank you so much, as I always do. I don't know how or what I may do for you But what's the Best before all, I always ask my GOD to Bless you in all people and in your all activities and plans.You are second good person in my life after my Mother who did and will do every thing she can for her Children.

I'm going to do all you need for children and member founders, in generally all Best Family to do the needed Website. Maria, we already took you like our mother we have been given by our Father(GOD). We pray for you so that you will come again to see us, or we will come to see you, if god wishes. Your children see you soon, their heart wishes.

Be blessed so much.
your old child', Claude.

Thank you Jesus for this gift, these tears I cry are happy tears, You know this.

On my heart

2008-11-03T11:22:00.000-08:00

It is amazing how small this world can be! Long ago, I found this blog (sorry, I haven't mastered the skill for posting links the way everyone else seems to be able to):

http://jobsdaughters.blogspot.com/

I have watched, okay STALKED this family for a LONG TIME as they deeply inspire me on a God-level, a family-level, a mom-level and an adoption-level. Don't tell Donny I secretly desire to be a BIG-OLE family like theirs one day. But anyway, their story about their journey to Ethiopia to pick up their child and how God placed them right where He needed them to be for HIS CAUSE one afternoon is remarkable and inspires me in a way that overloads my senses with goosebumps. They visited a place called Kolfe Orphanage and they have been forever changed since that day. I have been changed too just from watching God work through their hearts & lives. Not to mention my obsessive reading of their stories on their blog about this forgotten group of boys and one special gem named Solomon that has earned a long-distance home in their hearts as another son in their family. It's amazing how our giant God can reach into one's heart drawing me love this Kolfe Orphanage simply through following another's story.

So it comes with great excitement that I share this news from one of my missionary hero's Tom Davis' blog. He recently returned from Ethiopia from a visionary trip for Children's HopeChest. Funny little thing God had planned ~ For Tom to become the voice Kolfe Orphanage has been desperately needing! Here's a re-cap of Tom's post:

Sponsorship of Kolfe Orphanage in Ethiopia
Kolfe orphanage is an incredible place filled with 130 boys outside Addis Ababa, Ethiopia. After spending just a few hours with the young men there, I was struck by how polite, engaging and smart they are. They are so conversational I almost didn't realize that this orphanage is situated on a dumping ground. Every window is broken out of every building except the office and the only thing more prominent than garbage and glass on the ground is the red dust that covers every square inch of this horrible place. I see two possible roads for these boys. Down the first I see future husbands, fathers, and leaders of Ethiopia. Down the second I see death. I will occasionally use hyperbole to make a point but be clear that this not one of those times.

What They Need
Family. The boys of Kolfe need a church family with a heart for seeing boys become men. They need role models and mentors. They need someone to see their potential and walk with them through life to help them realize it. Here's an overview of Children's HopeChest's orphanage sponsorship program. Thanks to Sam Henry at Red Letters Campaign for the post.

The Basics. Serving these boys begins with meeting their basic needs for survival. Today and tonight they are exposed to the elements living in dormitories that are in shambles. Their food is meager and mean non-existent. Children's Hopechest needs to raise $25K immediately to repair housing facilities, provide beds, and buy books while we find a church sponsor. If you would like to GIVE click here and mark Kolfe orphanage as the recipient.

Help. We are hiring in-country staff to oversee and manage these Sponsorship programs and to identify additional sponsorship opportunities. The field teams' role is threefold: 1) Point of continuity, trust, and fun to the kids throughout the year. 2) Point of financial accountability for orphanage leadership. 3) Facilitate connections between the sponsoring church and children in the orphanage.

If you are interested in recruiting a church or community to sponsor Kolfe, please contact me immediately at tdavis@hopechest.org. We already have 3 sponsorships in process since returning last week!

I am beyond excited that an online community is able to rally around these special children until God's plans unfold for their future!! Oh how the love of Jesus is about to radically affect the lives of those who have been over-looked, ignored and forgotten for far too long!! It is my honor and privilege to say I had the opportunity to share my portion with these deserving boys!

And to directly relate all this right back to me, I must tell you the revelation I have recently come to. As I have watched the Mestas family(the very first blog link at the top of this post) and followed their journey, I had a secret desire on my heart that my life would be touched in a similar way as Eileen's was at Kolfe while I embarked upon my first mission trip to Africa. I believe I even copied portions of Solomon's letters to his "mom" Eileen and passed them on to my family because of the depth of my inspiration by this relationship that God had nurtured into existence. I remember telling my family some random day back in June "I hope my life can affect someone as tremendously as Eileen's has while in Ethiopia. I want to continue to touch someone's life when I come home ~ forever changed ~ as in NEVER THE SAME AGAIN!". Little did I know my story would begin to unfold in such a similar manner to Eileen's...and it's not until just recently that I have realized that desire on my heart "way back in June", was heard by the Lord and He is delivering my wish in His divine plan for me through the the lives of the beautiful Best Family! If you take the time to read about the Mestas' journey, check out their blog, their experience at Kolfe orphanage (the forgotten boys posts) and their relationship with a young man named Solomon you will see how inspiring their story is, but what's even more crazy is how my role with the Best Family is unfolding in such a similar manner to Eileen's relationship to the Kolfe children. I think it's just beautiful that the Lord used this family, their journey and the Kolfe Orphanage to plant a seed in my heart that would blossom into such a beautiful flower ~ my beloved Best Family. Simply AMAZING how the Lord leads if you let Him be your guide!

The faces of my family...

2008-10-28T12:11:00.000-07:00

At long last those dear photos, I promised.

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Thank you Lord, for the gift of life.

Thank you Lord, for the gift of family.

Thank you Lord, for the gift of love to fill our hearts to overflowing, without YOU God, none of this would be possible.

Does one life matter?

2008-10-22T13:12:00.000-07:00

How many times have you seen commercials of starving kids and decided in your mind that the $32 a month they are asking for wouldn’t truly “do anything”, half would be wasted on advertisement and administration and so you mine as well just forget it. Besides, what would truly change if all you could give only affected one life when the media is overwhelming our minds with the MILLIONS that are dying and in need of our help? Truly, you might find many ways to justify that whatever you “could” contribute would never do any “real” good anyway. You’d become desensitized to the fact that these images are real human beings, real dying children, real suffering widows, real lives created by the hand of God with the same dreams & hope He created our very lives with. Maybe you’d quickly turn the channel or close the magazine or simply relate on a detached level just like the latest horror flick that seemed to make you cringe. At least that’s the way my brain *USED* to compute those gut wrenching advertisements, news articles, 60 minute specials and Sally Struthers infomercials. Until God shook me out of the safety of my lil bubble wrapped life in Buckman, MN and chose to impart the burden of his heavy heart physically onto my heart too. This is where I come to you with joy to tell the story of ONE boy and shatter all those misconceptions you might have been led to believe as I once did.

I don’t know how to do justice to a story I only *wish* I knew, but the assumed details that I do have are worthy in sharing to do some justice to my love and my family in Africa.

I finally found the words to formulate this final post on my beloved Best Family during the course of my past weekend. I was at another conference, spending some much needed time with my neglected girlfriends and how excited was I that our girly time together would be shared with Jesus too! So while I was at the Women of Faith conference I was consuming myself with looking for opportunities to “reach out” and pray for people instead of just truly soaking in the pleasurable company I had been gifted to share, you know me…I’m always multitasking and STARVING for a touch from God. To my surprise my full attention would be grasped beyond any possible distraction at this conference as I was blind-sided by something I didn’t expect to see. Something that found a way to strike a slightly buried chord in my heart to twang with joyful pain like an out of tune dusty, old guitar to an African beat. As the leaders of this conference announced their partner ministry and shared a video about the organization at work around the world named World Vision, I found myself sitting in my seat with my heart in my throat as images of beautiful African children danced across the jumbo screen! World Vision is a ministry that provides an opportunity for people to sponsor orphans and change their lives in a dramatic way (along with many other things). So they chose to present this opportunity by sharing a story of a sponsored child they reconnected with years into his adulthood. A young man from Rwanda, who against all odds is leading an amazing life and serving the Lord while changing the future for many and has been predicted to become Rwanda’s future president some day. I sat there as visions, memories, feelings and tears ravaged me inside, I wasn’t mentally or EMOTIONALLY prepared for this impromptu journey down memory lane! So I fought back the flood as my jaw dropped at the startling revelation of something very familiar;
As they spoke, I thought to myself... know this story, I too KNOW this story….but it belongs to another face, another name and another saved life. Although I don’t know a single detail to truly do justice to the story, I know this VERY STORY ~ just enough to bait my heart like a fishing line ~ just enough for my small mind & life to handle. This very life I had the pleasure of meeting while my feet were standing on the powdered red clay of Rwandan soil. A life that the Lord has intertwined with mine so intricately you’d have to be ignorant not to recognize there’s a bigger plan at work here. This is the life of Jean Claude, the “president” of the Best Family, who is truly a young man after God’s own heart! So this World Vision campaign sent me to a place far away as my physical body sat in the crowded Xcel Energy Center in St. Paul, MN I found my spiritual self deep in the heart of Africa! In this moment, God finally provided the words and inspiration for me to share my 2nd half of the Best Family story. You see, I had been struggling on whether this post was "appropriate" and how I'd truly approach this dire and probably sensitive topic. I have been wondering how this very HUGE God of ours could entrust me....ME....with such a precious task.

I shared in my first post the specifics of my encounter in Rwanda and the logistics I knew about the Best Family sharing how the 4 lives of Jean Claude, Emmanuel, Salomon and David are miraculously changing and saving the lives of nearly 50 Rwandan orphans. I must tell you now, this story truly began years prior to this scene where I stumbled onto the stage to behold in awe the fruits of their tireless loving labor = the heavenly smiles of their Best Family children.

This is the story of one American man and a Rwandan boy that I imagine began somewhere in the mid to late 90's. A boy who lost nearly all his family to the genocide and by some glimpse of hope, managed to beat the odds of losing his own life and beat even more odds of succumbing to a life as a broken, impoverished, poor, war-ravaged statistic and found himself in a situation that would prove to be his “second chance” at life. Jean Claude was a child who became available for sponsorship through Compassion International, a ministry you probably have all heard of with the same values and goals as World Vision whom I mentioned above = to save and help the orphan.

Compassion International would be the face of a future for one boy, named Jean Claude. He was chosen for sponsorship by a man from America, so this man would send his monthly, quarterly, what-have-you donation and it would provide all the needs Jean Claude’s broken, impoverished family could not provide for him. Through the years Jean Claude was gifted the opportunity to attend school, heal from the loss of his family members, the loss of his innocent childhood that was stolen and most importantly given the capacity by a stranger’s kindness to allow the hope of Jesus Christ to grow inside this one boy’s heart so he may become all God had planned for his life SIMPLY from being a sponsored child. So now you can see WHY Jean Claude is becoming the man he’s becoming, you can see WHY he’s devoted his life to saving the orphans and street children, you can see how amazing this Best Family is, you can see WHY he clings to God with all his might, you can see WHY his life is changing the course of our world, you, yourself can see the handiwork of GOD with this one young man's life. Jean Claude was just a boy, whose story and picture stammering across the TV screen would’ve been too uncomfortable for me to embrace and let inside the safe guards around my heart, but because one man believed in causes such as Compassion International, one man has changed one boy’s entire life and the ripple effect from there is proving to be limitless! How perfect is God’s design! Jean Claude is an amazing human being and I aspire to live my life with such greatness and humility!

God chose to use Jean Claude’s life as a living example for a lesson I needed to learn in a physical way to break me free from my ignorance (that had quite a strong hold over me!). One life makes a HUGE DIFFERENCE so give or share whatever it is you feel compelled to give, it makes all the difference in the world, forget about the red tape that you grasp onto for justification that you “simply can not make a difference”, just share your portion no matter how big or small and God will do the rest. I truly feel God is teaching me this lesson about the importance of "one life" for many reasons to prepare me for a future that's possibly bigger than my 'reality' can encompass.

Our loving God knowing what a stubborn and (previously) judgmental fool I was to all these “sponsorship” type entities chose to teach me in a very visual and necessary way to shatter any possibility of my ignorance rekindling! But with this hands on lesson, came a greater burden on my heart and a greater call to ministry. God has chosen me to advocate and participate in “sponsoring” nearly 50 lives now that I’ve had the privilege of being welcomed into their Best Family! Talk about moving to the front of the bus! God just loves doing things in my life in “BIG” ways so that He can keep my OCD attention directly on NEEDING HIM to drive this bus!

I want to share with you the ways our gracious Lord continues to connect me to the Best Family so we can all enjoy a laugh at my introverted expense. Since returning home from Africa my heart was truly burning inside for the Best Family, seriously God was standing under me lighting match after match so that there was no way the flame could fizzle! Soon enough a relationship began to bloom between our family and Jean Claude via email as I came home fired up to share their story, I realized I was missing quite a bit of necessary information to truly encompass what a miracle the Best Family is so I sought out how to communicate with Jean Claude and before I knew what had happened the Lord was at work again above and beyond my comprehension. See, I thought I might share this story of my one experience, scrounge up a little money, send it off and carry on with my self indulged life….but God had different plans and they are proving to be much greater than mine ~ as ALWAYS! So this introvert found herself landing in front of a microphone time and again as the Lord was providing one open door after another for public speaking opportunities. All divinely perfect situations to share the amazing story of the Best Family, of course. Since I’ve fumbled my way through a few of these opportunities this past August I had been gifted random donations that totaled $100 and thus I Western Unioned that on over to the Best Family whereas they immediately moved me to a place of humbled tears over the depths of their gratitude. Jean Claude expressed beyond measure how this $100 would change so much for these underprivileged children, giving them an opportunity to have a Christmas. So in September another speaking opportunity arose and this time it was to American children, specifically my church Sunday school ~ toughest crowd EVER ~ so you can imagine my rookie speaking skills bombed miserably but I walked away from this valuable lesson challenging the kids from our Sunday School to be extraordinary in their faith for 2 weeks alongside Donny and I. Part of our challenge included raising $5 each during this 2 weeks and at the end we would match the money and send the donation over to the Best Family. Last week, I sent $320 ~ the second donation to the Best Family and I’m going to take the liberty to brag that I’m becoming very well acquainted with this Western Union diva that can not for the life of my sanity spell Jean Claude’s last name correctly until the 5th or 6th try!

So I’m extending this challenge and invitation to all of you as this past weekend's conference has stirred a cold heart to light another fire and just go for the glory. It’s no mystery that I’m on the sliding scale of “broke” by American standards, but with revamped values and reduced excess I’ve found a way to share what I have with those who have NOTHING and I’m learning my little is MORE THAN A LOT!! So to those other previous skeptics out there of donating to big-business organizations, let me tell you now I have the perfect solution for you ~ as grass roots as it can get my friends….the money literally leaves my hand at the Coborn’s Western Union desk and days later I receive a confirmation email from Jean Claude that makes me bawl for hours about how every penny has made it safe and sound directly to him and he shares specifically how each dime will impact every single Best Family child’s life! I LOVE IT! No red tape for this pessimist to worry about, just 50 beautiful children that haunt my dreams day & night, calling us Mum & Dud inspiring me to save every single PENNY I have so I can share my wealth for their survival. Until we get the logistics worked out on a donated laptop computer for the Best Family and the birth of a website to become more official in the status of donor relationships and visual accountability, I'm just throwing this out there for you all to grasp in raw format. If God burdens your heart like He has mine ~ be in touch with me and we can share our pennies together to make an even greater impact knowing beyond doubt EVERY SINGLE PENNY counts. I'm working out the logistics on how to provide tax-deductible receipts for donors who prefer that route, but for those of you who could care less because you can only give the equivalent of pocket change like myself ~ just shoot me an email and we'll go from there: mariatraut@gmail.com. When I say "share your portion" it doesn't limit you to financial donation, if you have connections, ideas and any other helpful tips or useful tactics to help the Best Family grow & flourish ~ truly share your portion with me and I'll see it through to delivery in Rwanda!

Before I close with some beautiful words from Jean Claude, I want to point out one other little tiny story as to how God has woven our two families together...the Minnesotan Traut gang and the Rwandan Best Family. There's not a doubt in my mind, God's larger plan was for us to become one in hearts and spirit as a family before inching this train along on an organized ministry level. Last night my 6 year old son Zach lost his tooth, and this morning when he awoke to a crisp dollar bill underneath his pillow from that wonderful tooth fairy, he came out of his room with a look of excitement and his eyes lit up with child like faith when he handed me the dollar and said "Here mom, I want to give this to the Best Family"...can you see how God is at work here? I almost wasn't strong enough to keep my composure, my heart nearly exploded. I wish we all could "give" like a child can "give".

I want to leave you with the recent email I have received from Jean Claude so you can know for yourselves just how God uses this amazing man to completely RUIN me and reduce me to a pile of tears time and again.

Hello my very very very very great friend!

Our Mum & DUD. On behalf of all children, I thank you so much, you always surprise us. I do't know what I may say or do for you about your very best heart, your goodness, your BIG love especially to us. But I'm praying my GOD to show me what to say and to do. But I'm increasing my Love to the Poor and to the Children because of you. You are my EXAMPLARY( in french : Exemplaire) Who is my example. Please the Children are loving you so much, after receiving the Photos from you and to hear how and what you are doing in your USA to help the Best Family. And they are so happy because their Life and their X-MAS Party will very fine because of the MONEY you sent before. Thanks so Much to those my loved Children in your church, They became the Best Family Members in AMERICA, please Tell them.

Maria, I don't know how to thank you but may GOD bless you and Donny and my brohers(Boston and Zacher) all your family, then your church too. GOD helps you to see, to find whatever you want, to go wherever you want. may GOD fullfil your Pockets and your Properties. I always pray for you and your family. My dear friend Maria BE BLESSED so much and stay with GOD. Know I always tell you every thing, situation and what occurs about Best Family every time I share with you. BYE!

Can you believe God chose us, He chose my small life to mean this much to His precious chosen gems half-way across our globe. The hope I found in the love of Christ that compelled me to go to Africa to share with the abandoned is truly being shared through God's huge outstretched arms back and forth across continents ~ many lives are being shaped and changed by this reciprocal embrace of hope. Most days I still can't believe this is real, and when I imagine how much these children believe in ME I can become overwhelmed with terror at the size of these big shoes, but that's the beauty ~ I don't have the power or ability to change these lives, nor fit in these shoes so I must depend solely on God to use my life and work through lil ole me, one clumsy step at a time. This is His plan unfolding before all of us. When God opens doors I find myself running through with a swollen heart to shout from the mountaintops about my beautiful Best Family. I'm going to end this post with a slide show of all our beautiful Best Family faces captured on "film" that remarkable day in July so check back soon as I'm having technical difficulties at the moment.

Oh how He loves us!

2008-10-13T08:16:00.000-07:00

I promise, I'll get back to the missionary stories soon...I TRULY promise! I just HAVE TO SHARE this now. I had an absolutely indescribable past few days with our powerful, magnificent, mighty, love ya till it hurts-so-good God!! I attended an amazing conference where God completely wrecked me all over again ~ which I love! I came home seeking out some particular songs that touched me deeply. Today I found the one song that destroyed me, but attached to this song came a visual message through cardboard signs showing me and you just how God loves us all! And so as always, I have to share!

I could share a million cardboard testimonies, but today I'll share the one that's most important to me.

***************

Sing with me, cry with me, feel with me, learn with me, love Him with me...

....share your "cardboard testimony", leave a comment and share how He loves you!

Time Out!

2008-10-06T12:01:00.000-07:00

Okay, before I get to the 2nd post about my beloved Best Family I have to pause this blog YET AGAIN on my missionary heart and share with you a speech that stopped me dead in my tracks today and left me silently astounded by what an amazing gift of life this woman is! I'm not posting this in hopes to spark debate or even show boat my own opinions, because quite honestly I've been in a phase of "refiling" a lot of my dusty old file folders that contain the catalogs of my values, opinions, ideas, morals and dreams and until the cleaning out phase is through, I just soak in whatever the Good Lord has for me so that I can learn to live this life as He intended, dust off every old, overlooked file and place it where He perfectly designed it to be stored.

Well, my stance on this issue was one of those that never made it to the front of the filing cabinet for many years, never passed the judge & jury of my heart nor my brain...until the day I learned my very own sweet baby Boston was destined for this appointment of doom once upon a time.

Then today I received confirmation in my heart as to where I need to file this folder when God led me to this video and opened my eyes for the first time to TRULY see this "issue" as He sees it, and I cried from deep heartache.

So I do as I always do when God inspires me....I share it with all 2 of you who might still read this blog!

Let me "officially" introduce...

2008-10-01T11:12:00.000-07:00

The Best Family

It was a sunny afternoon as we arrived at an empty school yard, a place that we were gathering to meet some orphans, and that is all the knowledge I held on this divine appointment. So I walked into this deserted, dusty, dirt school yard looking around for children, and I didn’t see many little faces, just a couple of kids greeted us and soon more would trickle in from here & there and I had not the slightest clue as to the experience I was about to have and how this was a defining moment in my purpose in this life: [Envision the cliché image of two paths in the woods. You know the one where it says “I chose the path less traveled and that has made all the difference” well, in my case it reads more like “God picked me up and set me down on the path less travelled and said; Maria, trust me, this path will make a difference”]….and here I was in Kigali, Rwanda totally oblivious that this was a superior life defining moment that was occurring in my journey. I just thought I was showing up to love on some more precious children and all the while I had Mr. Dimples in the back of my mind and I kept assuring myself not to “fall in love again” like the last place!

So we were introduced to a young man named Jean Claude and he began to humbly enlighten us about one of God’s secretly undiscovered diamond’s known as his “organization” named The Best Family. As many children had gathered by this time (news spreads quickly throughout the neighborhoods when albino’s like ourselves show up) we gathered inside one school room intermingled amongst some of the most beautiful children, all settling in to embrace a powerful touch by the hand of God.

I remember as I sat on the wooden bench next to one of the most painfully shy and simultaneously striking little girl my eyes have ever beheld(pictured above ~ yes, more dimples), I of course DID fall in love all over again. Something else occurred in this moment that I could not deny, I immediately sensed the Holy Spirit. This was not like my previous encounters or “urgings” from the Spirit to react to a situation (such as the man I prayed for in Ethiopia), this was a physical presence that I not only felt inside but outside, this energy filled the entire room and the only way I can describe it is to say that it felt like God’s immense joy. The spiritual reaction in my soul could only define this moment as if it were to be comparable to witnessing God’s own smile with my very two eyes. Can you IMAGINE! There was an intensity that I can not describe coursing through my veins, dancing in my soul and skipping beats inside my heart. I remember as I listened to Nyanja, Samuel and Jean Claude…(oh yes, we soon learned that our very own Samuel plays a vital role in the Best Family!)

I literally looked around the room for a physical manifestation of God’s presence, the feelings inside me were so extreme that I thought my eyes might witness a miracle. A momentary thought occurred to me as I was seeking a sign of God in our physical realm…The faces I am seeing, the eyes that meet mine, the hands that I am holding; they are the physical manifestation of God’s presence! I didn’t need to see a miracle from God, I was looking right in the face of nearly 50 of His miracles. I knew in an instant I was among greatness in this moment, inside this dusty school room, packed into tiny wooden benches, with old wooden windows propped open to let the Lord’s light shine in. Something deep and powerful told me every one of these lives I was sharing were to be revolutionary in changing the future. God had gifted me the opportunity to stand beside him in his studio, hold his paint brush, share in his visionary masterpiece and possibly blend some brush strokes with my own life onto His Rwandan canvas contributing to the work of art He has planned for every child’s life in that room. Let me confirm to you, the 13 of us on this independent mission trip to Africa found themselves sitting in this classroom, immersed in God’s very own "Best Family" not by coincidence, BUT, by absolute, flawless, purposeful, heavenly design. I knew that from the moment my backside hit the bench, long before I knew any details of this phenomenal ministry and I can confirm it beyond doubt with the occurrences in my life since I’ve returned home. God and I both are hanging on tightly to Rwanda, for dear life, as we both know that is where a huge piece of our soul’s live.

Have you ever had that moment where you felt so content and perfectly at peace in a situation that you felt like it was an imaginary moment, too good to be true? That is what I felt inside this classroom as I was sitting next to that young girl pictured above, listening to her struggle for the right English words to piece together a broken sentence sharing with me her heart’s deepest desire would be to learn to play guitar “some day”. This is where I grabbed onto God’s graciously extended hand and gladly leaped onto that “path less traveled” with eagerness and knew with every fiber of my being…this is why God created me….and assuredly as He promised [us all], if I stay on {this path} my little life WILL make a big difference. I felt at home and comfortable in my own skin for nearly the first time in my life while in Africa and that alone is confirmation enough for me to know that God’s plan far surpass my own.

So while sitting in this classroom what did I learn, who is this amazing “Best Family” I speak of? Well, it’s my honor to have the privilege to share with you right now the history and purpose of this ministry started by four absolutely remarkable genocide survivors. Jean Claude, Emmanuel, Salomon and David (now 23yrs of age) started this ministry when they were poor, broken, abandoned, young teen boys who were left with nothing but their hope. The survival of Hell’s fiery grasp on their country for 100 days of gruesome death changed these boys at a core level as young children and as the four of them grew older together they vowed to one another to never let others suffer like they have known suffering; This was God's defining moments of birth for what would become a new family built by His own hand. Soon they began to recognize many other children who were suffering as the impoverished result of a war stricken country, living as orphans (genocide or AIDS related) and street children, they began to take in other children into their “family” and along with this provide all the care necessary for each and every one of them. By the work of their 4 dedicated lives they began to take in more & more children advocating for them in every aspect imaginable; housing, food, clothing, education, medical needs and most importantly in their eyes, faith and Godly mentorship. By 2004 Jean Claude had a strong calling to become a legal representative(at 19yrs old!) and use his life to advocate for all these children he had become responsible for…thus the Best Family Association was formed in legal fashion under Rwandan law with Jean Claude as president and his 3 closest “founding members” and best friends as his supporting (volunteer) staff. For seven years these 4 extraordinary young men have been surviving all on their own by the grace of God as the responsible caretakers of 50 children ranging in age from 3yrs to 21yrs. The little 3 year old orphan is so precious I could carry him in my pocket for the rest of my life, see for yourself:

As God allows, Jean Claude and his 3 friends provide for these children and it still amazes me to this day how they find ways to make “ends meet” and not leave any of these children homeless and hungry. For years they have been operating in this manner and then God stepped in and open a door, that’s where the 13 of us Americans walked in, and for the first time in the 7 years of their existence the Best Family was introduced to “outsiders” and their ministry was recognized and even more importantly their NEEDS for survival and growth have been made known to someone other than the child members of this family. Someone in a position to possibly have easy access to life-giving tools that could forever change the course of 50+ lives. Someone whose change from their pockets could make all the difference. Do you have any idea how it feels to recognize your standing in the shoes of that very “someone”?! It’s terrifyingly humbling and awe inspiring that much I can say.

Jean Claude’s latest email sharing the entire history of the birth of the Best Family has enlightened me in many ways and stolen my heart above and beyond my original first hand experience. Barely knowing any specifics about the Best Family, one desire remained true through all the days since I’ve had the pleasure of meeting them; God has a purpose in my life to use me in some way to help the Best Family and by God’s will I may be so lucky to call myself and extended member of this family one day. I have never met so many children who are beautiful beyond description. Their faith is astonishingly PURE and I long to abandon myself in the Lord’s arms like they so easily do. God is using these young lives to teach me how to be the Christian He dreams we all would be, showing me with human lives what FAITH looks like. These children are holding the almighty jackpot my friends; God is their most prize possession and they’ve learned far beyond anything else He is all they truly need. It’s obvious in the light that shines through their eyes, the smile that bursts from their faces, the energy and life in their prayers, the joy in their voices at the mention of His name…it’s so obvious not even I could miss it.

As we sat in that classroom learning all about these amazing men and the precious lives they have saved and gently polished into shining gems, I struggled to understand what was unfolding in our vastly different lives, from separate continents yearning to mold our futures together and wondering how on earth to do so. It wouldn’t be long for a clarifying moment to present itself for me. When it came to the point in the “meeting” where we asked the kids if they had any questions for us after patiently sitting for over an hour, one little boy shared that it was his dream to go to school so he could grow up to help people just like The Best Family has helped him. Nope, he doesn’t want to be a professional athlete, a rockstar, a millionaire or some other typical American dream…he wants to save the orphan, he wants to give his life back to those who are just like him. What a gift it was for my ears to hear his shy little voice spout with honor he has dreams of this magnitude. Seconds later another amazing little 8-9yr old boy stood up and asked us the question of a lifetime “When you go home to America, will you remember us? Will you still help us?” It was as if my heart stopped beating as the last sound rolled off his precious tiny tongue. It took all my might to fight back the tears. I wanted to shout “of course we will” but how could I promise that without knowing truly if I would be accountable. It was as though God was sharing with us the importance of His plan through the mouth of a tiny child who couldn't possibly understand the power in those words he just spoke. God had brought us this far, showed us a private viewing of His canvas, which undoubtedly has some of the most beautiful images I’ve ever seen painted in glorious colors, now it's our turn to hold the paint brush, just as if God was standing there handing me the brush staring into the depths of my eyes = will YOU remember how to make a lasting brush stroke? Will we continue on with God's plan? Someone in our group responded with the question “What do you want or need us to do? How can we help?” and their answer blew me away, they didn’t ask for supplies, food, money, clothes, not one tangible item…they said: “just don’t forget us, tell people about us and share our dreams”….I wished they knew how there was no way on this earth I could ever fathom forgetting them!!

It has been my greatest pleasure since the day I’ve returned to Minnesota to share my life altering experience with an organization that says all it needs to simply by it’s title “The Best Family”. At the very least, I will continue to share their story and their dream because on that day God planted a seed in my soul and made it my dream too for these children to have a hope and a future. I long desperately to be a member of The Best Family and I hope I can find others who want to join this family too. I came home from Rwanda committed to living out my word to these children who have inspired me, changed me, enriched my life beyond measure. It’s the least I can do to help them grow in any way possible! It was God’s plan for us, in Rwanda, to come home gloriously ruined by The Best Family.

So for now, I’ll sign off with the very last words I have received from Jean Claude as he emailed the members of our team last night:

“Let us love each other as JESUS loved us”

God truly speaks to me through the beautiful broken English of Rwandan fingers and as always Jean Claude teaches me as he shares scripture that is on his heart. Every time the perfect verses inspire me to the point of tears, thank you God for enriching my life and filling my cup to overflowing through the grace of sharing with me your precious Best Family.

“The Blessing of the Lord brings wealth, without painful toil for it.” Proverbs 10:22 (courtesy of Jean Claude)

This is simply my introduction to the Best Family…to justly encompass this experience I’ll need a few posts to capture and savor every single second. After I share all that took place while in Rwanda, I will share all that has taken place since I’ve been home and let you all see the beauty of God’s masterpiece as it’s being painted one brush stroke at a time by many aspiring artists.

Perfect Timing!

2008-10-01T07:43:00.000-07:00

The inspiration to blog about my next adventure in Rwanda, a day that has changed the course of my life every hour since, is rapidly rising inside my soul and ready to bubble over like a boiling kettle on gramma's stovetop. Yesterday I was just enthused beyond description and deeply feeling the soul ties I have to Rwanda. I thought once I arrived home from work I'd find time to sit down at the computer and lose myself deep into the passionate heavenly beats of my heart I call "The Best Family" but minute after minute escaped me and soon my night was long gone and there was no time. FINALLY the excitement has returned the moment has arrived for me to reconnect the bond that felt so distant weeks ago. It's come in full force and when I arrived to my email inbox this morning, I seen the missing pieces of this puzzle that I so desperately needed to truly advocate for my dearest Best Family was here, awaiting me kindly from Jean Claude like a divinely wrapped gift sent in God's perfect timing straight to my inbox. Now I know without doubt why I didn't find that spare minute last night or any day the past 2-3 weeks to begin this blog post ~ it was premature and now I say with honor...the time has come for me to reveal an amazing gem coming from the streets of Rwanda, like no other story I have had the privilege of hearing, seeing or dare to imagine be present to share living in. It's a God kind of story that no matter where you stand in your faith journey, God will touch you through these lives I'm about to reveal and share ~ for these children and young men are what legends are made of and God uses lives such as theirs because humility and blind faith are their greatest virtues! He uses the weak to make Him strong!

So today I begin my long, long, long over-do quest of capturing the nail biting, heart palpitating, tear jerking, soul quaking experience I had inside an empty school room with God's magnificent few. The very lives that have redefined my values, my purpose and my dreams in this short time I have here on earth. The very lives that God has knitted into my heart's purpose for beating. The very lives that I have been overwhelmed, undereducated and blindly fumbling along sharing their story, opening doors and hearts along the way as God has graciously designed to use me and my idiosyncrasies to try and move mountains on their behalf!

TODAY!!! I dance like a child in the aisles of Toys R Us for the moment has finally arrived and it tickles my soul with delight! TODAY! ~ I begin to document this as justly as possible with my meager words and see where God leads us all from there! Did ya hear me ~ I said TODAY'S THE DAY!!

Stay tuned...it most likely with be a very, very long post so I will be back with all the amazing details once I've confined them to words, sentences & paragraphs!

When God Answers...

2008-09-22T08:37:00.000-07:00

can you hear Him? I just wanted to jump on here quickly to celebrate how He whispers sweet nothing's into my ear when I need to hear Him most and I fall head over heals in love with this God of ours in brand new fashion each morning.

I've been struggling again as of late and obviously as you've all witnessed too busy to tend to my blogging and my African heart. I look at my African heart placed on the shelf, as the dust collects so do the tears, for I'd rather my heart beats for Africa than for American chaos most days. I have one of the most important stories of our entire journey to share next and I'm procrastinating again, until I can find a silent moment to revel in the memories and be consumed by emotions. I want most of all for this blog to do justice to the one blessings that God used to gloriously ruin my heart and kick start my passion for ministering to Rwanda's beautifully precious people. Time is short these days both at home & work so I haven't had a still moment in many weeks. But I will share soon....for now, I give you this preview and hopefully by the end of this week you'll know just how precious this answered prayer is to me.

On my journey into work this morning I was feeling bogged down, carrying a heavy load of unnecessary garbage again and feeling the exhaustion that comes along with trying to fight the good fight all on my own. So I told myself on my extended morning commute (which I had been previously GRIPING about for the past week thanks to construction delays) that maybe God is giving me extra time to call on Him each morning and realize I'm not supposed to be fighting the good fight ~ ON MY OWN, darn control issues! Now that my commute extended from 20 minutes to 45 minutes, I finally gave way to my stubbornness and welcomed this revelation on this morning's drive. When I jumped in the car this AM crabby, late, rushing and in a complete fluster I told myself to stop in for a hot chocolate and demanded I learn to enjoy this 45 minutes instead of racing in frustration like all last week. See for a busy fool like myself, often my car ride to & from work is the ONLY time I dedicate to Jesus, singing, praying, rambling on and on, whining, whatever...just good ole Maria + Jesus time...no cell phone, no garbage news, no kiddies hollering, no distractions. This time has grown more & more precious to me every day and on days when life is so busy I can barely catch my breath ~ I live for quiet moments in the car that can not be avoided no matter how crazy my day is...it still takes at least "20 minutes" to drive from point A to point B when you live in Buckman.

These days I've been struggling to find that connection and that dedicated time just for God ~ I long to feel the intensity and beauty of knowing God is with me always and feel His touch on my life in magical butterflies in my belly kind of ways. Today I put my foot down on my pesimitic attitude and said "Maybe God is giving you extra time to call on Him since you so obviously need it to work outta this funk you have going on, girl!"....and on my way to work this AM it took me all 45 of those minutes to get to my "good place" and stomp out the negativity that was ruling my mind. Once I reached that good place a thought crossed my mind and I pondered the ultimate gift I could receive from God this morning and as the thought came to me my heart instantly giggled with delight; I dreamed of an email from my Rwandan friend Jean Claude who I have not heard from in 2 weeks. I thought, if only I could hear from him, I could drift back to Rwanda again and God can help prepare me for my big, big, big Rwandan presentation to our Sunday School kids coming this week and my ever-so-important blog post about Jean Claude and his amazing life.

Know what I found this morning when I checked my email, an answered prayer! A greeting from Jean Claude, yet another amazing Rwandan soul that has changed me from the inside out. He cherishes me(and my family) as if I hold the world in my hands while ministering in the tiny, little, very miniscule ways I can to him and his "Best Family" back in Rwanda. Little does he know how he truly ministers TO ME with each beautiful, prayerful, simplistic, scripture filled, broken-english, God sent email. There's not one single doubt God uses Jean Claude and "The Best Family" to nourish my soul just as he's using me, Donny and our family to nourish their kindred souls. It's quite the beautiful woven thread of hearts, homes, families and faith when God stands in the gap.

Our latest correspondence was Jean Claude asking to know more about my family so His prayers could certainly include my WHOLE family. (These Rwandan's are PRAYER WARRIORS let me tell you!) So two weeks ago I shared my family dynamics in Rwandan fashion ~ including my parents, siblings, in-laws, grandparents and of course precious two boys. I sent pictures of Boston and Zach as Jean Claude eagerly requested I share photos. His response today was sharing more information about his own family:

Here I send you the pictures of my mother, my young brother(Adolfe) and I. Another of some of my Best Family children. Adolfe was very happy to see his brothers(Boston and Zach). Greet them, adolfe said.

And in a second email shortly thereafter he began with this:

How are your PARENTS and Adolphe's brothers(Boston and Zach) and your church family and the children of your church? my GOD leads their life as I wish deeply! and we greet them so much. Adolfe was very happy to know you (I explain to him). Greet his brothers and the children of your church. adolfe said.

And my heart danced because of this answered prayer ~ the best possible medicine I could've received God delivered a mighty dose just in time!! I am blessed!

Soon you will know all about Jean Claude, this "Best Family" I speak of and how God used them to gloriously ruin me!! Soon!

Dwell from the well of wisdom

2008-09-15T11:54:00.001-07:00

Mr. Dimples

2008-09-10T12:41:00.000-07:00

This entry is a hard one for me to write, so I have been procrastinating. Mostly because I’ve come to a place of exhaustive grief and my heart is building up walls of protection against my painful memories putting distance between my heart and this unparalleled day that took place in Rwanda. A day that haunts me every moment of my existence, if I don’t purposely shut it out. So it takes a lot of strength for me to willingly go back here now to share this with you all.

We began our Saturday morning, July 12th, by visiting the Mother Teresa Orphanage in Kigali, Rwanda. We were under the impression this was a very hard place to receive an invitation from so only 2 or 3 of us were going to “tour” and the rest would wait outside. As I prepared to wait outside, I decided to capture some of these great images around us:

Since I felt I had no personal ties to Rwanda, I declined the opportunity to give others a chance that had deep desires to experience this orphanage. As we arrived at the entrance of the Mother Teresa Home to our complete surprise the Sister invited us ALL to come in. Here was a divine appointment unfolding before my eyes and I didn’t have any clue at that moment, when I stepped inside their steel door that this single experience would be THE ONE that would totally annihilate my tiny world, devastate my naive heart and completely break me. Mostly because I wouldn’t know this until I had to leave Rwanda and even-more-so when I returned home.

We were informed we would not be visiting the tiny babies in the nursery for fear of germs, so we marched down the cold, dark, cement hall following our ‘tour guide’. The first room we were ushered into was the infant room where all the babies from about 6 months – 12 months slept. My eyes instantly wanted to shrink back into my skull, my lids wanted to slam shut and not look, it hurt to see so many indescribable sullen expressions, desolate eyes, heartache and pain plastered across their dirty little faces, these were babies with no smiles. The room was overloaded with tiny iron cribs shoved in as tightly as possible reminiscent of a child’s prison, up to 4 sweet babies crowded into each 2’ x 3’ rusty, iron crib. It took all the power I had inside not to lose my composure and just weep from heartache so profound it stung my heart with each beat like a hornet’s piercing stinger. I was overwhelmed and unprepared to witness what devastation was staring back at me, so I did the only thing I could do. I started at the first crib and began to pick up every lifeless baby body and hold each one trying to pour out this love from my heart so they could at least for a moment be cuddled, nurtured, treasured, cherished and loved like God had intended when He created their beautiful lives. When I reached the 4th crib or so, I immediately connected with an amazing face. A sparkling glimmer in his infinite brown eyes reached right out and grabbed my undivided attention. He reached up to me (as every child did ~ desperate to be chosen for a moment of love, desperate to be held) and I picked his chubby little body up and I was greeted with a warm magnetic SMILE. I have no clue what his actual age is but he was comparable to the size of my own sweet baby Boston, around 6-8 months old would be my guess for American standards (so he was probably over a year old). He had the brightest smile that could drown you in happiness just from a shared grin. He had the most indescribably captivating dimples that pierced his chubby cheeks with perfection and lured my heart in like a baited fishing line. Beyond his physical beauty that was mesmerizing me, was his unspeakable charisma that truly did me in. I gave my naïve heart to Mr. Dimples and I spent every remaining second I had basking in my love affair with this sweet little man. I could not bare to break away from him. All I have of my sweet child is the memories he gave me of his gorgeous smile and raspy giggle. Images of him mimicking my movements as I shook my head in a ridiculous fashion making silly noises ~ he instantly copied my head shake back & forth as if we were saying “no no” to each other. I blew raspberries on his cheek and he wiggled with delight in my arms. He carefully inspected my lips as they were puckered up ready for another raspberry attack. His tiny fingers would run across my lips so softly then he’s burst out in anxious giggles flashing those to-die-for dimples again, yanking on my heartstrings with all his might. He caressed my cheek with tenderness. He held my finger tightly as if to assure me never to let him go as we interacted with one another. He would gracefully shift from a pondering gaze inspecting every ounce of me to a spontaneous smile stretching from ear to ear in which his eyes would just radiate with joy. He embraced me with the same love my own sweet baby would. I barely had the strength to let him go and I didn’t know I’d give my heart away to a sweet chubby devilishly handsome dimpled little man at the Mother Teresa home in Kigali, Rwanda ~ that was never in my ‘plan’. Still, in this moment, I didn’t know I had completely abandoned my heart and left it behind in his cramped little crib for him to keep, I didn’t realize this in its entirety until it was too late. I fought to hold back my tears and a few slipped by me as our time together came to an end. We were quickly ushered out of the baby room as it was time for naps. I ache from a place so deep I can’t find words to describe it nor the physical ability to stop it when I remember the only moments I had with Dimples.

The Sister hosting our tour wanted us to ‘move on’ to spend some time with the older toddlers that were just outside the doors enjoying some play time on the cement slab. These children were all of “walking age”, I’d guess from 2-5 years old. The moment we stepped foot out the doors a stampede of desperately abandoned children erupted. I have never experienced anything similar to this physical of an encounter with the heartache of an emotionally neglected life. The children clung onto us as if their grasp was for dear life and they refused to let go at any cost. I was holding a child in each arm, while I had one clinging to each leg crying out to me to be held too. I can tell you the heart of any human sinks into depression in the face of such a massive tragedy, but the heart of a mother is trampled beneath the feet of these desperate souls as they stampede upon you aching for attention. I lost my mind when trying to fathom how I could truly love each one of these children as they needed to be loved in the mere minutes I had to do this. The kind of love and affection, attention, compassion and relationship they were grasping for at any cost, was beyond my capability and it broke my heart. I tried to be as equal as possible reaching to hold every single dirty, clingy, crying, urine soaked little body I could possibly pick up. Two little boys caught my attention as they desperately gripped each other shrieking in terror. I sought out Nyanja for help thinking these poor boys must have been scared to death of white people. I asked Nyanja to try to sooth them, as she approached them they screamed with fright and cried even louder from utter terror. They held onto one another so tightly, it was the absolute most heart wrenching sight to see two innocent babes ranging from 2-3 years old absolutely frozen from fear and knowing there was no way to ease their painful terror. Nyanja asked the Sister about the two boys and she shared that they had just been “found” a week or two prior to our visit and they spent all their time clutching one another and crying EVERY SINGLE DAY since their arrival. My heart just sank, falling onto the cement floor and breaking in agony. Before long it was time for us to move beyond this section of our “tour” and we were forced to part ways with the children. This was not an easy task. The children instantly knew we were leaving and they all flocked to us, I had about 5-6 trying to climb onto me all of them frantically crying, gripping my arms, legs, clothes whatever they could hold and refusing to let go. I pried them off of me best I could while trying not to lose my composure. It was my deepest heart ache in this moment to push these children away, peel them off me, pry their fingers away from my clothes and leave them behind physically denying them of their pleas for love and affection. I was not strong enough emotionally or physically to accomplish this and I ended up asking for help from the Sisters to take the children off me. It was simply too hard.

Next we were led down some cement stairs into an area where the mentally ill, physically handicapped and elderly were all grouped together eating lunch. It was an indescribably hard sight for me to articulate with words. I’m choosing not to indulge any further on this portion as it mostly just made me uncomfortable to see human lives treated with less dignity than our pets. It was nearly the breaking point for me inside the walls of this Mother Teresa home to take in all of this at once.

As our visit was coming to an end I had the chance to engage in a conversation with the Sister and Nyanja and for the first time I learned that the children here WERE adoptable. I presumed they were not and just thought that to be a fact of all Mother Teresa Orphanages. Instantly my heart skipped a beat as my lil Dimples raced through my mind like a spinning record. I wanted so badly to find out more about him, realizing I never EVEN ASKED HIS NAME, so I had no way to inquire about whether he was adoptable or not. I wrestled with my mind and my heart thinking I should demand to know more about my baby and yet I told myself not to let my heart get ahead of me. I had not spoken to Donny about the possibility of adoption, I thought for certain my next child would be a little girl, I thought I never had an interest in adopting from Rwanda and I surely didn’t want to give false hope of future adoption interest to this Sister when in fact I had no clue what was going on inside this tornado in my brain. YET, it bothered me deeply that I didn’t know anything about Mr. Dimples and he was just feet away from me inside the building napping!! If only I could TURN BACK TIME! I told Nyanja I wanted to ask about the baby I held when we first arrived, I asked if I could go back and show the sister which baby I was speaking of to learn more about him ~ at the very least I need his name. I don’t know if Nyanja didn’t translate my URGENCY or what happened but the conversation was blown off, we were escorted out the door and I just sat back passively and let that be the end of it. As if that was my “no” and I could go about my way content in the fact that “I tried” and it just “wasn’t possible”.

When I came home and held my baby Boston in my arms is when it truly hit me with full force as to what I had done ~ or “not” done for that matter. While in Rwanda I rationalized in my mind that I fell for Mr. Dimples because the way he looked at me reminded me of my own baby at home. Whereas I told you many weeks ago when I posted the video of the song about Rwanda; the line from that song splashes my pain all over the floor like spilt milk:

“I saw my son in a little boy's eyes”

What you don’t understand though is that those words ring true for me in all possible context. When I came home and looked into Boston’s eyes I seen Mr. Dimples staring back at me. Within days of being home Boston began to learn the same mimicking trick of shaking his head “no” and I immediately lost my composure as I cried in pain over Mr. Dimples. As I rock Boston to sleep at night and he touches my lips with the same tenderness of Mr. Dimples, I silently weep, my heart aches at the realization of the fact that was MY baby in Rwanda. Just as God led me to Zachary and Boston, my two sons ~ He led me to Mr. Dimples. It explains why my baby’s remind me of one another, for they are both meant to be my children ~ a mother always recognizes her own child’s eyes. God was calling to me and I was ignoring him, my brain was fighting my heart and my heart lost. So now I’m faced with another lesson that God has graciously helped me embrace. The grief of a mother who had to leave her child behind. In essence I have come to terms with this grief as best I can and realize I have been given a rare opportunity to see through the eyes of a birthmother. Which in all honesty is how God took my disobedience and turned it into a gift. I have learned to love my two sons at a different depth and honor their birthparents much higher than I already was because I see and share their pain to some degree. I grieve the loss of Mr. Dimples every day, not one day goes by he doesn’t find his way into my memory. It’s a loss that I chose to have and so I wrestle with the emotions that come as a consequence of a hard decision. A choice I felt I had no other option in making. Now I can love my two children knowing and feeling the sacrifice that was made for me to be gifted the role of motherhood. I no longer have to imagine their birthmother’s pain, for a moment in time I shared the shoes of a mother who had to say goodbye to her child even though her heart cried out in love to keep him close. Don’t think for one second I don’t fantasize about returning to Rwanda to find my dimply man as I know without doubt I will recognize his eyes if ever I’m gifted the opportunity to see him again. This wish upon a star dream is what keeps my hope alive and prevents my grief from consuming me. I find solace in praying to our Lord for a second chance and I await for God to open the doors and let this miracle unfold. In reality I know it would take an all out miracle by the hand of God for us to find Mr. Dimples. Yet, I reminisce about the miracles that have already unfolded in my life leading me to my sons Zachary and Boston and I have faith that anything is possible. So I’m left with my pain, grief and heartache over the child I lost, but I’m also left with my gratitude, humility and honor for the children I have been gifted. I don’t truly know how to end this post because I sincerely hope this story doesn’t end here, I hope one day to finish this memory with the miracle that Mr. Dimples deserves to have ~ a family, our family. So until God speaks, this story is “to be continued”.

Phenomenal!

2008-09-08T08:00:00.000-07:00

I was so excited to have an email awaiting me yesterday about the live drill in Ethiopia ~ oh how my heart sings and my sould dances whenever I see the sights and hear the sounds of Africa!!

Check out their progress and first video of their first Ethiopian drill!! AWESOME!

http://www.charitywater.org/birthdays/livedrill.htm

I wish I had a September BIRTHDAY!

2008-09-05T09:34:00.000-07:00

This is AWESOME and I just ABSOLUTELY LOVE this man's way of thinking! So fun and so AMAZING! I have September-envy...wish it was my B-day month so I could join in FULL FORCE, this would be the greatest b-day present I could think of receiving ~ a gift to "re-gift" and feel PROUD about it! For now, I just donated $33 to show our support and honor the Scott in our life with a Sept. birthday!!!

The September Campaign Trailer - www.borninseptember.org from charity: water on Vimeo.

Computer Illiterate!

2008-09-04T06:43:00.000-07:00

I wanted to post this on my side bar, but as always blogger is fighting with me and I can't get it to work.

I have high hopes to set up a function on here where I can display all the ways I'm feeling called to help, just in case it sparks a fire in your heart as well.

Today's donation was one that I just couldn't hold back from sharing with y'all too:

Go to this site to learn more about the devastation the hurricane has caused for these orphans:

www.handsandfeetproject.org

We need revival!

2008-09-03T10:09:00.000-07:00

Being “new” to this side of the tracks, I will immediately confess my extreme skepticism and doubts in anything that falls under the title of “revival”. I’ve seen the snake charmers and people convulsing on the floors of road-side tents and the Dateline special where they prove all of it to be an intricate hoax, a smoke & mirrors act of supreme nature with evil intentions of embezzling your hard earned money. That was where *I* formed my opinion of what a “revival” must be.

Well, on our first evening in Rwanda, with new eyes to see from, new ears to hear from and a new heart that beats with intensity from God’s almighty love I had the chance to truly embrace my trust in God and stretch my faith yet again! As “luck” would have it while we walked up the long hill to Nyanja’s house to be greeted for the first time by the amazing Josephine ~ QUEEN of hospitality and the painfully shy Samuel ~ a young man after God’s heart, we heard this rumbling from a sound system off in the distance. Amanda immediately announced “there’s a revival going on down there” we could see the people gathered and lights from where we were walking. The words of worship to the Lord boomed through the air, crystal clear as if the night was completely silent, all of creation had paused to hear the good Word. I immediately became giddy with excitement I could NOT BELIEVE it, a revival ~ honestly, a true blue revival ~ in RWANDA no less ~ oh dear Lord let’s NOT MISS THIS!!! Just moments earlier I was starving and couldn’t wait to get to Josephine’s home cooked Rwandan feast but now my hunger for the Lord appeased all human cravings for food and there was nourishment from a much greater source that my body and soul ached for from the depths of my bones! We proceeded to Nyanja’s home, ate our delicious meal and enjoyed the remarkable company of Josephine and Samuel for the very first time. Like a kid in a candy store, I could not get that revival out of my heart (although my mind was off on its own tangent), it didn’t help that we could hear everything perfectly radiating from the loud speakers at Nyanja’s house. I BURNED inside with anticipation, I had to find out some way to get my butt down to that revival to just be present! Before I could even muster the courage to ask some others were proposing the idea to walk down there…I jumped on that band wagon immediately and Nyanja sent Samuel with 7 of us to be our guide.

We walked down one steep hill after another, washed out roads like you have never imagined (comparable to the feel of a cliff), stumbling through giant potholes that could eat you alive, meandering throughout the pitch black of night. There are no street lights or yard lights to brighten the path, it’s a stumble and fall kind of blind walk through darkness! A bit symbolic wouldn’t ya say. So I guess it was the perfect journey to reach our destination

We reached the revival, ‘the place was packed’, it looked like an open soccer field or something of the sorts was the host of our heavenly festival. Lights were bright, a big ol stage and a huge sound system, and of course a flawlessly, perfect night. A preacher was going to town lost in the heat of his passion with a Rwandan man translating in the local dialect called Kinyarwanda (a language I’m told is nearly impossible to learn and native to Rwanda). As he translated the words seemed to transform into rhythmic beats that saturated my heart even if I couldn’t comprehend on a conscious level. The passion birthed from the preacher electrified as it rolled off the tongue of the local man to his desperately hungry Jesus fans who responded eagerly with hoots, hollers, cheers, smiles, tears, praise, and all out physical worship. A sight you have to see with your own two eyes to comprehend.

Here again I learned yet many things about myself, but more importantly many things about my God as well! I learned I’m a very reserved worshipper who is secretly dying inside to just abandon my reservations and shout with reckless joy like Africans do so gracefully. I was burning up inside to just “LET GO” and dive into the middle of this sea of ebony beauty. I felt at home with my God and more comfortable here with Him than the church pew I regularly visit on Sunday mornings. I thought I was content in my life just too finally know God, I had no clue I had been designed with a little bit of African flavor in this heart of mine! I found that out beyond doubt dancing in a dirt field of Kigali, Rwanda on July 11, 2008. I learned God is present in all situations no matter what your personal connotations may conjure up in that brain of yours ~ or as my grandpa says the limitations of “stinkin thinkin”. When God is called upon or when He plans a divine appointment He comes through, it doesn’t matter if us little people doubt or support Him. My previous assumption of “revival” limited my interaction for no less than one nano-second as I immediately FELT GOD’S PRESENCE and I realized it didn’t matter the legitimacy of this church body who was running the revival ~ the politics behind the organization did not matter one ounce to God so why should I waste one moment of my time pondering this unnecessary detail, just forget that Dateline special already and dance, girl!!

Why not?

God was there sporting His finest smile, singing with Kinyarwanda rhythm, dancing with African soul and vibrating through the vocal chords of English words. I learned revival is soooo real, God wanted me to know this and He gifted me a once in a lifetime opportunity to be front row with VIP seats to His magnificent concert in Rwanda. What sealed the deal in my heart is when a man was called to the stage to offer his testimony and he shouted with relief that God had touched him during this week long revival and for the first time in 14 years he learned how to truly embrace forgiveness. He trusted in God and he was blessed with the courage to forgive the neighbor who murdered almost his entire family during the genocide. A neighbor he still lived next door to 14 years later. He described torturous moments of his long survival by hiding in the swamp under the piles of decaying bodies. In the moment my eyes transfixed on this man I had a personal encounter with God, time froze for a second or so then with a heart beat I found myself staring at the reality of my shattered, broken soul laying on the dirt floor before me. Just hours before I was inside the genocide memorial so this man's words hit me hard on many levels. The magnitude of God’s grace is indescribable and something I wish we could all physically feel the presence of. This man shouted with relief and thanksgiving to have found the gift of forgiveness in his life, he finally felt free. I too knew that freedom of forgiveness, undeniably incomparable to the huge level this Rwandan man was experiencing, but I knew of God’s powerful grace in my own life. God knew beyond doubt I’d be whole heartedly “on his team” enjoying His revival after that testimony. And I was! So I mingled my way into the swarm of kids just at the closing of this revival when the preachers were pumping these kids up through the roof! Saturday was going to be their last day and they had all sorts of special activities planned for the children, so of course they proceeded to tempt them with all the heavenly bliss they could before these children were to go home!

Within minutes I realized all the “white folks” had packed up and left for the night and I peered around to see our 7 faces as the last remaining albino’s around. Instantly I found myself SURROUNDED by 20-30+ children. They were arguing and fidgeting with one another just at the chance they might touch me. And the chaos commenced with an earth shattering hug from one special little boy. He walked right up to me as the crowd of little ones was beginning to cluster around and he grabbed a hold tightly around my waste as if we had known one another our whole lives, a bear hug of grand proportion. Immediately he looked right up at me. His piercing eyes consumed me with this intense stare, deep, deep, deep into and right through me. I hugged him back and returned his gaze until I felt uncomfortable and inept in returning the passion from my own eyes. I truly believe this was another intimate moment with Jesus, yet in the present time I didn’t know it and the power of His eyes left me feeling overwhelmed by not knowing how to return the depth of love within and through my eyes. I broke away from the moment feeling that my gaze was empty in comparison to what was stirring inside of me from his engaging eyes. And in a split second the boy ran off, boisterously joining his friends who were leaping around on cloud nine, just as all little boys do.

Then God granted me another moment with Jesus, if I couldn’t handle the love from His eyes, maybe He should just reach out to touch me. A girl somewhere in the preteen to teen age range suddenly appeared at my side and nestled her little body into my shoulder before I could even catch a glimpse of her face, hugging me in the most weakened, broken manner I have ever felt another human body all but collapse into my arms. I rubbed her back and gently hugged her as she just held onto me as if never to let go. I felt so inept in consoling her and had no idea about what I should do so I just hugged her for as long as she wanted. Without ever making eye contact with me, she let go after what seemed to be a very long but I’m certain very short few minutes and she slipped away through the crowd and I never did get the chance to see her eyes, or her face or her again. I thought long and hard about this girl after that moment and I realized why I couldn’t let go of her. She symbolized me on my own journey coming to Jesus for the very first time asking for His love, shy and unsure if He’d hug me back, I wrapped my broken arms around Him too ashamed to look His way and I just melted into Him for as long as I could possibly soak His love into my heart and when I physically felt His love it gave me the strength to let go and stand on my own two feet again. This little girl was me not too long ago and I hope she found the refuge she was seeking in my arms. I think of her often and I am in awe that God takes the time to teach me in such physical ways. I couldn’t possibly deny his hand upon my life.

As I looked around to find the others from our team that were with me, Donny included, I realized we were all engulfed in a sea of excited children! Donny was pulling out some crazy white-boy dance moves and the children were dying from laughter as they tried to imitate his horrendous lack of rhythm and to my surprise THEY WERE DOING IT WITH EASE! I laughed from the depths of my aching belly, gasping to catch my breath at this golden sight before my eyes! WHERE WAS MY CAMERA! I fell a little more in love with Donny in this moment, seeing him abandon his dignity for the joy of these children touched my heart deeply. He didn’t need words to communicate he had his own humiliation that could connect and join us all in laughter! Whenever I reminisce of those few prized moments, my stomach muscles just ache in memory of the never-ending hilarity.

The long walk home was comparable to a red carpet event in Hollywood. We attempted to walk back to Nyanja’s house but we were literally imprisoned by an arguing wall of anxious kids all bickering for their chance to hold our hands, touch our arms, hug us and walk near us. I felt like a movie star and had NO CLUE why these kids thought we were such hot stuff. With the obvious language barrier we had no idea how to rationalize or communicate to them we were just nobodies! Eventually they managed to drift off one by one as I imagine we passed by their homes. Samuel was trying desperately to free us from the clenches of the mob of children’s eager hands, but he wasn’t having any luck. We all were alive with excitement; the faces of Amanda, Simon, Chris, Evelyn, Nate and Donny were glowing with the same joy I was feeling. It was a phenomenal moment to be a part of, and absolutely nothing that we could have tried to plan! This was a God moment and I'm so thankful I didn't miss it. The most miraculous of all was that the only way we could connect with these children was the mention of Jesus, that English word they DID know. Before we’d even finish the second syllable they would erupt with laughter, excitement and cheerful giggles. On that walk home we worshipped our love for the Father, Son and Holy Spirit with each step, breath, heart beat, smile and song. These children taught me so much about faith in a short walk up a dirt hill, they were brilliant little role models! It was completely surreal to be almost drowning in love from these children desperate to smother you in it (physically!). Here was my final lesson of the night ~ this is how much God loves us, this is what His love feels like in living color, in tangible form, surrounded by a sea of desperate, happy, enlivened, spiritually charged hearts just aching to embrace you and physically connect to you with one big massive hug, so much love inside their bursting hearts they couldn’t control themselves ~ this is the magnitude of God’s deep love for each of us. How blessed we were to be taught this lesson through the souls of 60-70 vibrant little children. This is the way God loves each and every one of us. This is how I draw the conclusion that “WE NEED REVIVAL”! Amen!

The gift of life

2008-08-28T09:11:00.001-07:00

Honestly, if I could stop the spinning wheels of this chaotic world for one second to ask, what does the title of this blog mean to you? More importantly what should it mean to each and every one of us?

I’ll tell you a valuable lesson that God taught me in Rwanda and that is “our life is His gift to us”. There are countless gifts He showers over us but no other gift is more precious than this gift of life. I often wonder if *we* realize the cost of this gift?

There’s not a single ounce of doubt in my mind that the people of Rwanda let their heart beat to a song of thankgiving as they celebrate this gift anew each morning; awaking with child-like excitement to set eyes upon the largest present they’ve ever seen perfectly wrapped with the shiniest gold paper and a stunning sparkling bow. They soon give-way to the enthusiasm to dive into this present, yet honor this gift so deeply they meticulously unwrap this personal package with the delicacy and patience of surgeon’s hands in an effort not to waste one moment of the experience. Inside they find they most precious treasure ~ another day to live ~ the gift of life. And just as any parent has experienced the reaction of their own child opening a surprise gift, they turn to our God with their puppy dog eyes, swollen hearts and grateful souls and they weep with blissful appreciation so intense that God can’t help but smile knowing it cost Him everything to give this gift and it was worth the price.

I didn’t go looking for this lesson, I didn’t even know I needed this lesson, but I found this lesson shining brightly through the lives of three of the most amazing people I’ve had the privilege of meeting. God taught me this lesson in living color in Rwanda; the grace, humility, praise, gratitude and honorable awe of God that my eyes seen, my heart felt and my soul danced to inspired me to realize the beautiful simplicity that I too share their same gift yet have failed to celebrate with the same intensity.

All that is an introduction to present to you three of the most inspiring lives I have ever known: Samuel, Nyanja and Josephine (with Nyanja's baby Solomon for extra smiles & giggles). The most beautiful family ever created by God.

These three people are so ordinary they’ve become extraordinary in God’s eyes! They are life teachers, yet they know nothing of this identity they share. God’s miraculous chosen saved by His hand alone and sent to teach the unteachable (like you & I). They live their lives in such a way that I struggle to find words to explain it. I know that is becoming a broken-record motto for me, but simply it’s a fact that witnessing miracles leaves you speechless and every word you try to muster in description seems so minuscule in proportion to the grand emotion and colossal impact of what you encountered. God’s touch will do that to ya time & again.

It’s my honor to share with you the tiniest of details that I know about Sam, Nyanja & Josephine’s lives so that they may touch and inspire you as they did me. It will be an unjust summary as I was not fortunate enough to hear their entire life’s journey ~ God only revealed enough details to inspire me and change me, I hope it’s enough to inspire some of you to recognize the gift of your life.

Josephine is Nyanja’s biological mother. They lived as close friendly neighbors to Sam and his family. Nyanja explained to us time and again how Sam was her very best childhood friend. Pretty common story, nothing out of the ordinary and it’s a story we can easily relate to as we reminisce about our own childhood, neighborhood and life growing up living as a carefree kid. We fast forward now to 1994, Sam and Nyanja were somewhere around the age of 9-10yrs old. I’m wondering if you remember WHY 1994 would be a pivotal turning point in their story? Yes, it was when the genocide occurred. Nyanja’s family and Samuel’s family were both in danger as they were of the cultural background of the Tutsi tribe, the race of people who were the focal point of elimination during this genocide. The story of their innocent childhood turns tragic at this point as they become victims of this evil. I will share each miracle as I know it:

(my absolute favorite photo of Sam as he was lost in another place & time listening to the harmony of worship music rising through the air waves from the revival taking place off in the distance)

Samuel; precious Sam was forced to watch his entire family be brutally, savagely, horribly tortured and murdered. I was told he even witnessed his two sisters being viciously raped and I think I remember that one of his sisters was younger than him…so imagine for a moment what it would be like to be behind the eyes of a 9yr old watching your YOUNGER sister being raped and then your entire family murdered. Absolutely unfathomable. He was saved by the hand of God and although I do not know the specifics, I do know he escaped and ran for refuge to Nyanja’s house. There he was met by Josephine who was also escaping as she had just witnessed the murder of her only son. Together the two of them ran for their life and hid in the forest. To have survived this is a miracle alone as we were informed many people who fled to the forest were met by the terrorists and murdered. The forest was in all essence a trap and inevitably a death sentence. But God had other plans for Josephine and Samuel and somehow he saved the two of them. They survived many weeks, possibly even months hiding in the forest with the looming possibility of their capture or death every minute of every day. No food, no shelter, absolutely nothing to survive on and absolutely no ounce of security but God’s miracle alone saved these two and kept them alive for all those hours, days, weeks and months and they emerged from the forest as survivors.

Nyanja was at her grandmother’s house spending her summer vacation from school with grandma when the genocide began. Nyanja remembers the next door neighbor coming over to her grandma’s house, who was a close friend of theirs and informing Nyanja’s grandma & uncle (whom also lived there) that he seen the mob coming down the street. Knowing that they were of different ethnic backgrounds he feared for their safety and warned them: “When the mob gets to my house, they will force me to participate or they will kill my family ~ I have no choice we will be back to kill you all within minutes” and he left them with that warning. I find this portion of their story to be a great insight into the depths of the evil that was reeking havoc throughout Rwanda. Many people didn’t want to participate in this terror but because of ethnicity you had to join one side or the other, kill or be killed. Immediately Nyanja, her grandmother and her uncle fled for their lives. They were in reasonable proximity of the airport and they knew the UN had taken the airport over so it was a place they could seek refuge. So they ran and cut through the fence of the airport and their lives were saved. They were told their entire families were murdered and they were the only survivors. They eventually were sent to a refugee camp in Kenya where the conditions were apparently quite horrible. Nyanja was abused regularly and her grandmother eventually died in that camp from the harsh conditions they were trying to survive in. Nyanja’s uncle then somehow managed to get her to the United States after living in the putrid camp for a couple years. Eventually Nyanja was taken in by an American family and I believe adopted. This family began the long painful process of trying to heal her wounds and they helped Nyanja blossom into a beautiful strong young woman.

After the genocide was over and Rwanda was in ruins. It was obvious many lives were devastated and people were left with no where to go. Samuel had nothing to come home to, his family was gone, his world completely destroyed and he was an orphan. He spent some time on the streets and was later taken in by his extended relatives, an aunt & uncle to whom I believe moved into his family’s home. Josephine came home with the knowledge that all her family had been murdered as well, except her husband (who had been out of the country for work). She witnessed the murder of her own son, she was told her mother and daughter and brother were also among the countless victims of this tragedy. So a broken mother & father who lost their children tried to begin to put their life back together and within time became pregnant again. One would think this is where the story makes a turn and ends in some happy hallmark moment but it doesn’t it takes another turn for the worse. Samuel’s aunt & uncle become jealous of Josephine & her husband, their belongings and apparent wealth and they falsely accuse them both of participating in the genocide so they could take over their amenities. The authority’s policy at that point in the country was to incarcerate all who were accused and each person would have to wait for a trial to prove their innocence. Josephine and her husband would have to wait 13 YEARS for that opportunity to arise. God had not turned his back on his faithful children, his plans were still at work in their lives although many years had passed with them again suffering immensely and facing impossible odds a miracle unfolds.

Ten years after Nyanja had been gone from Rwanda an opportunity arose that she would return to her country of origin, her beautiful home land and see it for the first time after all the torture, blood, murder and mayhem that she left behind was long over. After spending many years of her life despising Rwanda she was now at a place of healing where she had gained the courage to embrace this opportunity. While in Rwanda she caught a glimpse of a young boy walking on the sidewalk and demanded the child looked exactly like her. It was absolutely eerie and haunting to Nyanja to see with her own eyes the similarities between the boy’s face and her own features so she persisted in taking a picture of him as their car zoomed by ~ essentially a face in the crowd. I’m missing some amazing pieces of this puzzle but we’ll fast forward to the details I do have. The miracle that began to unfold through this single photograph was that Nyanja learned she had a younger brother, and thus learned her parents were ALIVE. (could you imagine the surreal nature of shock after 10 years of mourning the loss of your parents you learn they are alive and you have a sibling!!) She eventually seeks her parents out while they are imprisoned and their first reunion occurs. What a bittersweet and simultaneously hard experience to be gifted. Prison in Rwanda is not an easy place to survive and although Nyanja was seeing her parents for the first time in 10 years they were almost unrecognizable because of how hard their life of incarceration had been on them. Nyanja struggled quite a bit at this point in her journey. Her parents were alive (barely) and living a tortured life in prison unjustly accused. During this time of reunion for Nyanja something else miraculous was unfolding; Samuel had also sought out a reunion with Nyanja’s parents. He reconciled with them begging for forgiveness for the actions of his aunt & uncle and graciously Josephine and her husband assured him they held no ill feelings towards Sam at all. After 13 years of imprisonment they had their day in court, Samuel testified on their behalf exposing the dirty secrets of his “family’s” actions and Josephine and her husband were set FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Samuel’s family immediately disowned him and Josephine welcomed him to became a part of their family. So he was Nyanja's best friend and now is her brother. How beautiful is that! Only God can do that!

We were gifted an opportunity to meet these amazing lives within the first year of their freedom and reunion ~ how miraculous is that for each of us to experience! I remember Nyanja sharing with us they would be celebrating her mother’s FIRST birthday (of her new life) soon. May GOD BLESS her new life and may we all celebrate the gift of life He has given us, I couldn’t imagine a more precious present for her to receive.

Our last evening spent with this family is one I’ll never forget for multiple reasons. God always seems to have ways of demolishing my little mind and exploding my heart in grand proportion! I sat next to Samuel as we ate dinner and when we finished he passed around a small notebook in which he wanted all of us to share our contact information. As I wrote our names into his book he immediately glanced at me in a way that pierced my soul asking me to say my name. So I did, and he shared with me Maria was his mother’s name and he opened up to me sharing that he had two sisters too. This was the very first time I had ever heard Sam speak of his family or his private life, and the smile on his face and the joy in his eyes could have blinded me. To have the opportunity to be present in this moment with him as he reminisced in fond memory of his family, because my name struck a chord in his heart, gifted me a beautiful moment in time where I seen a young man drift back to the innocence of his childhood before it was stolen from him. What an incredible gift the Lord granted me, how could I have been so blessed to simply be me at that moment. Nyanja even approached a group of us quite a few minutes later asking whose name was “Maria”, I confessed it was me and she pulled me aside to share Sam just could not get over the phenomenon that “Maria” was sent here to meet him. She said he felt it was a message for him from God. How could I not be humbled to tears in this moment? We prayed for their family and prepared to part ways. We said our final goodbyes to Nyanja, Samuel & Josephine and in this moment is when I actually learned of Josephine’s name for the first time as I had only known her these 3 days as “Nyanja’s mom”…as I was nearly one of the last to hug Josephine and she learned my name was Maria, she embraced me and whispered in my ear “my name is Josephine, please don’t forget me.”………..this is where I have to end…….

........because there are just no words ~ only tears.

Thank you God for this gift of life, mine is forever changed and truly cherished. Thank you for the valuable lesson ~ I couldn't possibly EVER forget.

Rwanda Reborn

2008-08-22T12:57:00.000-07:00

How does one truly begin to tell the story of Rwanda. It’s a story so multi-faceted I could release a series of books just on what I shared in the 3 days God gifted me the pleasure of experiencing Rwanda.

The greatest surprise here is that Donny and I had no interest in going to Rwanda, just as we were joining this trip we learned Rwanda was being added to the criteria and I figured we were just along for the ride. Or were we? I had the mindset that if we were flying all the way over to Africa adding Rwanda to the plan made this trip a 2 for 1 deal for us. Well, even if I had no personal interest in Rwanda or feel any connection I still felt the desire to educate myself about the place so I wasn’t a total fool. (bite your tongues!! ha)

As I began my research only one thing kept surfacing about the country via the internet so Donny and I watched the documentary “Ghosts of Rwanda” to learn all about the genocide that took place in 1994. Ignorantly we had known nothing of this important piece of their history until now. I don’t know if any of you will truly understand how Rwanda impacted us and what we felt there if you have not seen any documentaries about the genocide. I encourage you to check-out Ghosts of Rwanda from your local library or borrow it from me. What we learned from that documentary was devastating; the footage was graphic beyond comprehension, some of the most gruesome deaths you could possibly imagine. It was like watching Satan devour a defenseless country. Seeing piles of bodies along roadsides like litter. Watching babies tortured to death. Rape on a level that death came as relief. Violence we can not relate to. We were numb for quite awhile after watching the brutality of this war where 100 solid days of evil resulted in the deaths of 800,000 – 1 million innocent lives. I thought to myself “14 year have passed, I wonder if we’ll see anything remaining from this genocide or if this is a piece of history that they have moved beyond?” And that is the last thought I pondered about Rwanda many days prior to landing on ground of this secret haven, long before setting my sights upon the thousands of lush green hills and stepping foot onto the powdered red clay. Long before I had any clue what Rwanda had in store for me and my husband.

Kigali, Rwanda ~ one of many hillside views

The genocide memorial

This flame burns every year for during the exact 100 days the genocide occurred as a sign of remembrance. Eerie feeling to be standing there and see that flame burning.

One of several mass graves they have filled. One mass grave is still open as they find more bodies to this day.

Our very first stop in Rwanda was the genocide memorial. To say it was an overwhelming experience is a down right injustice of words, but what do you do when there are no words to expressively capture the heaviness, terror, hell, death, mayhem, loss, suffering, brokenness, sorrow, emptiness, heart-ache, courage, miracles, survival, faith, re-building, healing, resilience, forgiveness and grace that I experienced inside the walls of this memorial for 3 hours on the afternoon of July 11, 2008. This memorial being our very first glimpse of Rwanda was a necessary piece of the puzzle to truly learn about the depth of compassion the Lord was trying to teach us. Compassion so deep and huge I thought my heart might jump right out of my chest and literally break into millions of pieces like shattered glass before the eyes of each Rwandan survivor I met. I had no idea how all those words I described would be defined in a tangible form through human lives in the hours that would soon come.

I felt the tears I was silently shedding were an inferior offering to express my empathy. I felt embarrassed and ashamed to be allowed the opportunity to share in this remarkable memorial when I had absolutely no way to fathom what it was like to literally LIVE THIS hell. None-the-less come from the very country that turned their backs and allowed this monstrosity to destroy more than a million lives. To walk through that genocide and look at 4 foot tall laminated photos on display of chubby happy babies, 6 months old -1 year old and read their names, read their favorite hobby was to play with their siblings, read that their favorite food was their mother’s milk, think of my own babies and what their personal descriptions would read and then let my eyes rest upon words such as “bludgeoned and hacked to death by machete”. As I stared into the beautiful photo and let my heart weep just as each child’s own mother did I thought to myself what a disgrace my country decided these lives weren’t worth the effort or the sacrifice to be saved, I couldn’t have ached any deeper than this moment. Oh how our merciful God must have sobbed when none of his people would have compassion for their fellow brothers and sisters in a time that He so desperately needed us to defend the defenseless. I felt stupid for previously thinking and wondering if anything from this genocide would be remaining, thinking14 years is just too long, too long for anything to still “exist” as a remnant of this war. When I looked around and seen crowds of people that were over the age of 14 years…I realized THEY are what remains. Human lives! Arms I could touch, hands I could shake, people I could embrace and look deep into their story telling eyes ~ they “still exist”. Every day they live with the baggage this genocide burdened them to carry. Our very own host Nyanja is one of these lives and she could not bare the pain of entering the memorial nor could our driver so they both sat on a bench outside the building as if they were on autopilot just hoping to survive these 3 hours while we “toured” the greatest terror of their life. 14 years have passed, that’s 5110 days that each face I greeted may have lain their tireless weary heads down to rest at night and been tortured by horrid memories that haunt their souls. I can’t even imagine. Although the country has changed tremendously and I witnessed many beautiful things that have destroyed me and my small life, what I never anticipated was the reality that I’d be meeting survivors whose lives would inspire me so deeply I can’t imagine one moment of my life being the same.

What I experienced in Rwanda was unbelievable, shattered my perception of the human spirit. A country and people that rose up from the depths of Hell on earth and reached for God with desperate arms wide open and is now in a place of beauty and grace restored by a heavenly love, this is the Rwanda I came to know on July 2008. If I had to choose, I’d say forgiveness and healing are the two words that describe my encounter in this phenomenal place. Forgiveness on a level so unbelievable I’m humiliated to say I’ve ever known anything about forgiveness. Forgiveness to the very degree that the bible teaches us to embrace, these people have truly shown me what it means to live out the scripture in Matthew 5: 42-44:

"You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.”

I have never witnessed a model more exemplary of this scripture than the numerous lives that changed me while in Rwanda. The feeling of healing is so nurturing that God’s presence is as thick as the morning mist sparkling off the sun’s intense rays. I heard so many miracles of survival, forgiveness and faith that I wandered around in disbelief wondering if I was dreaming and if my own two ears truly heard each story. But to Rwandan people it seems as common place as you and I commuting to work each day so they embrace this humility so great it’s nearly tragic, for I dare to imagine how each of our small lives might grow and our faith might S-R-E-T-C-H if only we had the chance to be inspired by every Rwandan miracle. God’s heart beats with intensity over this country and his precious people. Every one of them that is living today shares a common thread with our God ~ the knowledge that He alone saved their life 14 years ago and his grace is sufficient for each of us. With this insight, they fit perfectly into the definition of “reckless faith”, they’ve abandoned everything they have to give their hearts to God, they cling to Him for dear life, the only place they know they’ll find healing, protection, comfort, warmth, nurture and strength to go on living each day and become more than just “survivors”.

Rwanda is a place that took both Donny and I by surprise, captured our hearts, stole our souls and knocked our socks right off. Our hearts do not beat the same. Our eyes do not see the same. Our ears do not hear the same ~ Rwanda changed us in ways we never imagined possible. God has so many plans for Rwanda and I’m amazed that He brought us all the way across the ocean to this haven of the faithful to share a glimpse of His superior plan and how we might be privileged enough to become a piece of their beautiful puzzle. So it seems we were not “just along for the ride” after all…oh how we are always surprised and amazed by God’s plans for us.

Reckless Faith

2008-08-21T11:18:00.001-07:00

I just love this story, as it reminds me of exactly how God shows His face to me ~ even when I have "mustard seed faith" He comes through in all His glory to shower my life with grace. I can testify to the beauty of having child-like faith and what amazing things God will do when He knows you have abandoned your own plans and rely solely on Him to guide you.

What I have grown to love is how God uses children to teach us all how to have that child-like faith He desires in each of our hearts. I have learned so many things from the children I have encountered during my faith journey and over the course of the past month. I have no doubt that God uses these innocent souls as vessels to show the blind how to see and the deaf how to hear.

Yet again, I learned a lesson from a tiny little resource and so this time, I'd like to share it with you all!

Reckless Faith - Beth Guckenberger - Joel's Story

A Glimmer

2008-08-19T08:18:00.000-07:00

Just when things seem to be overloading my plate, God reveals His wisdom, support, love and never faltering encouragement to me in ways that only He can do! It is so beautiful to be dripping wet, showered by a love so great nothing can compare. For the first time since returning home from our trip (yes, that's 30+ days) I was able to sleep without being interrupted by a crying baby every half hour. My lil boo-bear only woke up every 3 hours last night, which in my sleep deprived mind compares to a solid night's sleep. Today I feel like the haze of exhaustion might begin to lift. It was the blessing I truly needed more than words can express!!

On top of all that God revealed words of encouragement to me last night through the pages of the book I'm reading. At a time where I have been desperately crying out to him for relief from this SEVERE sleep deprivation, financial darkness and overwhelming exhaustion being taxed by everyday garbage that seems so meaningless...He responded just when I needed Him to. I had been questioning why all this was happening and distracting us when both Donny and I are simply trying to press in closer to God, share His miracles and find our solid footing on this faith journey so we may keep trucking along as good servants. I wanted to know why God couldn't help us out a bit to make this journey a wee-bit easier. Surely God knows it's kind of hard to think, be inspired and share His message in an articulate way when you haven't slept in 30 days. Everything becomes a struggle when you haven't slept in 30 days...seriously I didn't think the human body could function without sleep that long, but somehow a certain 9 month old wouldn't let me choose otherwise...although my engines were surely shutting down. I simply didn't understand "why" I was struggling with so many things and trying to compute all this on strained brain cells and then last night I read these words:

"The more immersed in God you become, the less of a grip "normal" life has on you. Circumstances throw themselves against you, but you remain unmoved. When you are deep in God's river, even the tragedies and struggles of life that inevitably come only force you deeper into Him"

AMEN ~ thank you Lord for teaching me yet again with your miraculous words!! I will hang on tighter to you!!

I'm feeling the inspiration to blog finding it's way back, there's a glimmer of light in the darkness and soon the shadow will pass and Rwanda will come pouring out of my soul like a tsunami!

Stuck.

2008-08-18T11:07:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the sudden lapse on my journey down the breath-taking one laned streets of my African memory lane. The to-do's of every day American life seem to be drowning me these days. I'm finding it harder and harder to have a moment to get back to that place ~ that place that Africa birthed inside my Jesus lovin heart. What's even worse is that I find myself detesting myself for losing this balance I promised I would perfectly master. I thought it would be easy to have my African heart and my American heart and the two could coincide in harmony, but it only seems one can beat at a time these days. It's painful to realize you're losing your grasp on something so pure, something so huge that your little life has imploded from the impact.

It tortures my soul that the memories are fading from their vibrant status in the foreground of my eye's wide angle lens to a disgruntled 2nd place behind the distorted glare of bifocal glasses. It's consuming my energy to focus on the very things that don't deserve to devour my attention; sleep deprivation, attachment disorder chaos, money, appt's, grocery shopping, bills, chores, this, that and the other thing. I find myself feeling failed when I so easily get overwhelmed by the very things that shouldn't control my life.

Transitioning back into this world of waste, vanity, immorality, luxury, ridiculous wealth and unappreciated privilege is apparently harder than I imagined. I yearn for simplicity, beauty, generosity, rich spirits, thirst quenching faith, soulful hospitality and the freedom in poverty. It seems so very long ago that my feet touched the powdered red clay of African soil. I think I could be tired of grieving over the pieces of me I left in Africa settling on the fact that my puzzle will never be complete again. I'm afraid my brain is powering down and the screen saver is getting more air time these days, or someone could have even tripped on the cord and pulled the plug right out of the wall for all I know. I refuse to begin blogging about Rwanda until I can mentally go back to Africa with red-hot intensity, passion, love, faith and all the emotions I can't even name. I'm looking for the peace and strength to open my heart and reveal the Rwandan treasures hiding in there, they are so precious the radiant glow might hurt your eyes! I won't write one word until I can smell the fresh honey flavored flowers that filled the African air. I can't find a way to form sentences until my eyes can see the mist rising off the thousands of lush green hills on a perfect morning in Kigali, Rwanda sitting on a small wooden chair soakin in every ounce of loveliness that surrounds me. I'm sorry but I can't go back yet not until I find that grace only God can send to my fingertips so...I'm stuck, without words...please bare with me as I'm hoping whoever pulled the plug on my power supply will come back and restore the connection soon! It's pathetic sitting here in the dark ~ afraid of forgetting what it looks like in the light.

Soon, something's gotta give soon.

The wheels keep turning

2008-08-13T07:17:00.000-07:00

So back on the bus I went from what was obviously an earth shattering moment. I can't even describe truly what I was feeling, thinking or doing. It was so surreal to me and I just kind of plopped down in my seat stunned by the intensity of this "high" I was feeling.

I can't remember the exact sequence of events but I'm going to share as I think I remember the order of what took place next. As I was sitting on the bus, Simon came back to sit next to me and shared that he was happy that I embraced the opportunity to pray for the deformed man and he told me the night before he had a vision that he should pray for a crippled man and he thought he had missed his chance because he had seen a crippled man earlier from the bus, much like my initial reaction, the Spirit moved him at a moment when he felt he couldn't respond. He was bummed he thought he missed his opportunity to act upon God's will and while we were in conversation about this Amanda yelled out to Simon from the front of the bus telling us to look out the window ~ as we all glanced out the left side of the bus this is the sight that our eyes fell upon:

Here Simon was blessed with a 2nd chance to fulfill that deep calling to pray for a crippled man. I still had not truly calmed all the energy flowing through me like electricity so I immediately wanted to jump off the bus and go with Simon to pray for this man. Here we were stuck in the middle of absolute chaos, which is also known as Ethiopian rush hour; Simon was trying to figure out if he could just jump off the bus and run and Akim was trying his best to just keep Simon on the bus. Well Simon went for it and I followed right on his heels, we ran through the stalled traffic to reach this man and knelt down to pray for him. The intensity was growing each time one of these moments presented itself. The tingling in my hands was nearly unbearable by this time, I prayed silently to myself begging the Lord to heal this man and Simon showered this man in his beautiful prayers. There was an obvious language barrier between us but the man just rocked back & forth quietly mumbling with his crippled hands folded up to form the shape of a cup to accept whatever donations he might receive as his only means of survival. He had some coins (which equal less than pennies in the US) in his hands and so Simon blessed him with some money after we prayed. Language barrier or not, it was obvious we connected with this man. He felt our sincerity, he seen our hearts and God touched us all in one shared moment, there was no need for words.

So here we were in the heart of the city, the chaos, the people and life in Addis Ababa was truly surrounding us on all sides! We crossed the street in an attempt to find the bus and I realized I was completely and totally lost!! I had no clue which way our bus even went after we leaped off ~ that was a "minor" detail I forgot to pay attention to!! The sidewalks were jammed with busy people hurrying along in 100 different directions, there was no order just pure chaos and I've never felt more alive in my life! I honestly didn't care where the bus was, I didn't care if we stayed lost for hours on the street! I felt right at home and I was excited to just wander seeking out God's chosen so I could pray my little heart out until I had nothing left to pour out of my soul. This was it ~ this is what I was made for, this is why I was here, just wandering aimlessly lost on the street seeking out 'the least of these' fit my heart & soul like a perfect glove. I was enthralled to be in the middle of Addis, immersed deep in the culture, surrounded by God's loving hands. My energy level and excitement was nearly explosive as my mind raced and my eyes danced along the streets for faces to connect with and in the blink of an eye there was Akim jumping right in Simon's view calling us back to the bus. So that was it, my time on the streets was over before it even began...back on the bus I went and home to the guest house.

After we returned to the guest home we all changed and got ready to go out for a traditional Ethiopian meal. That was a grand experience and a nice way to even out the heaviness of all the despair that filled our eyes and hearts each day. The restaurant was beautiful, elegance Ethiopian style is so enriching. I'm not a fan of the food so I'll skip that review but I will elaborate on the amazing dancers and entertainment! These people can do things with their body that are fit for the Guinness Book! And as always ~ their natural ability for rhythm puts our "white skills" to shame! For the first time on this trip I understood Amanda's policy of stating there was to be "no fraternizing with the locals". Initially I thought this was an absurd point to have to make for a missionary group, shouldn't that go without saying? Plus, I was married so that rule didn't truly affect me anyway since I kinda lived by that vow already but something happened when those dancers filed out onto the stage and this handsome fellow with a larger than life perfect smile kept flashing his beautiful brown eyes at me like a professional flirt ~ I had to confess to Donny I was finding myself in the midst of an Ethiopian CRUSH! :) Oh my these dancers were breathtakingly gorgeous, the men and the women both...Ethiopian genes are like the grand prize winners for being easy on the eyes! Add in their never-ending hospitality doused in charm so thick it wraps you in a blanket of goose bumps and you'll find yourself smack dab in the middle of an embarrassing CRUSH too! I felt like I was drooling over some teen heart-throb at a pop concert! But these Ethiopians have a way of doing that to ya when you'd least expect it! Luckily for me, Donny had to agree they were very gorgeous people so I'm thinking he might have had a crush of his own budding! ha ha! I even took a wonderful video of their dancing skills and of course my "hunk" to show off, but just as I was entranced by his amazing dance some white kid I know named SIMON jumped right on the stage to give his best shot at a traditional style dance-off?! This very Simon also swore us not to leak the video on the web...so I can't even show off my footage unless I get a release from Simon!

And that was our first 2 days in Ethiopia! Only took me 3 weeks to share! Next up is Rwanda ~ hold onto your seats my friends, the ride get more intense with altitude!!

What happens when the bus stops?

2008-08-08T11:51:00.000-07:00

This picture is just a typical visual of a standard sight in Ethiopia, every street corner, every sidewalk, every dirt road, every spare opening you'll see many people just trying to survive off the few coins they might earn offering a shoe shining service. I include this picture to just help give a visual representation of a situation I will share in this post because I do not have a photo of this very special memory I'm sharing today.

In preparation for this trip there were a few standout scripture passages that seemed to find me in various ways on multiple occasions. One that sparked my interest immediately from first glance was Matthew 25:40 when Jesus says:

“Whenever you did one of these things to someone overlooked or ignored, that was me-you did it to me.”

I found these words deeply inspiring yet I had absolutely no clue how these red letters of Jesus Christ himself would impact my little life like a tidal wave engulfing a sandcastle until many days later.

So I find myself obsessively reminiscing about the day on the bus riding home from the donkey excursion. Having just encountered something magnificently powerful praying for a beautiful woman, I sat silently in my seat gazing out the window trying to imagine what I just witnessed and consume the intensity of what I just felt. As we’re cruising along at what I guess to be a very bumpy 60mph, this one single man catches my attention out of the corner of my eye in a momentary glance. When I reference “caught my attention” I mean it in a fashion that something physical stirred inside my heart and in that moment of a simple blink of my eye where he managed to squeeze into my view, I felt this deep longing to connect with this man. As quickly as I seen him the moment passed and I felt helpless ~ I thought to myself instantly how do I attempt to reach this man from the inside of a speeding bus?!? We’re zooming on by; he’s just a face in the crowd! I kind of thought this one is a little beyond my means, I don’t know what I'm supposed to do?!? Before we even reached a mile beyond this man who was sitting on his shoe shining crate nestled in a crowd of 8-10 shoe shiners, the thought came and went and I figured it was just a missed opportunity beyond my control. WELL… that’s when the bus began to slow down…actually we kind of abruptly stopped and began to reverse. I wondered what on earth the driver was doing and simultaneously I *knew* this was my 2nd chance to do something about the man “outside the window”. The bus began to back up into this gas station, so it appeared to me we were stopping for gas(which is not a quick process) ~ what a divine appointment the Lord had granted me so I could fulfill His plan. As we were slowing I peeked out the window to keep my eye on this man waiting for the bus to finally stop.

This man was no ordinary man, he was incredibly special. This was a man whom I would have never in my lifetime had the courage nor the strength to even look in the face in my “prior life”. If I had met this man walking on the streets of Little Falls just a mere 6 weeks prior to this day ~ July 9, 2008, I would have probably become physically uncomfortable to the point of illness. If I had met this man on the street, I would not have been able to stomach looking at him because I am so weak in the face of deformities, open sores, bleeding, ect. I simply can not handle these things ~ they make me faint. But here, on this day, at the very instant I laid eyes upon this man, a man who had no smile, no lips, who’s skin had deteriorated away graphically exposing his gums, bones and teeth of his jaw line; A man who’s pain and suffering was evident on a very visible level; A man’s face that was not an easy sight to take in; This was the man that I felt an instant connection to. The connection that lured me to him was the same type of energy flowing through me before to prompt my attention and spark a reaction but there was another feeling that flooded through me at the very same moments and that was a deep feeling of love connecting to this man. Where was this coming from?!? Anyone who knows me, understands how this could only be a supernatural, miraculous event unfolding; Firstly because I’m incapable of freely “showing love and affection” to my very own loved ones. I have a very reserved and some might say “cold” heart, so it is unbelievable that a stranger could spark this deep of a drive in me in an instant. Secondly, my physical limitations surrounding blood, sores, open wounds and the like are enough to shut the lights out on Maria’s top floor. This alone proves I was literally incapable of doing this by my own free will and of my own power! When the bus stopped I knew I couldn’t miss this opportunity for anything so I immediately asked Amanda if *we* could get off the bus for just a few moments to pray for someone. Of course she agreed, I looked at her and said “so who wants to come along?” Because I was truly horrified of praying for this man, I longed so deeply to touch him and pray for him yet I was sooo incredibly intimidated by having to actually PRAY for him. She quickly said “no one else, just you, I will go too and Hannah will come to translate”…oh the nerves at this point could have shaken my bladder EMPTY ~ if you know what I’m saying!!

So we walked up to the man and at this moment of connecting with his eyes I no longer felt the intense fear and nerves yet my body was trembling like I had the severest case of hypothermia you’d ever seen. Thank goodness Amanda was with to help guide me along or I would’ve been lost in this moment for eternity. She advised me to seek his shoe-shining services and pray for him while he shined my shoes so that we wouldn’t create an all out spectacle. I thought that was a perfect idea! So I sat my quivering body down upon his withered, crooked little wooden crate for a seat while trying to contain my leg convulsions from scaring these poor people to death. I thought how on earth can he shine my shoes if he can’t even catch my feet?! We asked if I could pray for him and I told Amanda I needed to hold his hand. So imagine me sitting, nearly convulsing from head to toe, this man in front of me kneeling on the ground next to my feet looking up at me while I’m looking down to him. The instant he lifted his hand up to connect with my extended hand awaiting his like inviting a hand shake something indescribable occurred inside of me, outside of me, through me, surrounding me….a love so deep the word LOVE does not do justice started manifesting and pouring out in a completely silent, personal connection between us yet undeniably evident in a physical presence surrounding us. It was as if only the two of us existed in a different realm. I held this man’s hand and caressed the back of his hand while attempting to begin a prayer for him. It was almost instantaneous upon sitting on his chair that we engaged in this unbreakable gaze. The connection so deep it was as though there was no limit to how far you could see inside of these eyes, through his soul and beyond into something heavenly. I was awestruck by this powerful movement of love engulfing the both of us that I was nearly speechless and dumbfounded. I remember I was supposed to be praying so I began by telling this man that Jesus wanted to heal him, it was the first thing on my mind. Obviously, this man needed healing in a physical way, but by the second time these words rolled off my tongue I felt that this man needed a much deeper healing. He needed healing of his heart, his soul and his spirit, it was crying out to me and I recognized the same cry from my own heart and spirit when trapped in a similar darkness not all too long ago. I think I told the man Jesus wanted to heal him a couple times, I told him that Jesus didn’t want him to feel pain. Then I was lost in the intensity of this interaction between us and there was silence for a bit. These eyes that were looking at me were not just eyes, I can’t even find words to describe it. I could simultaneously feel the depth of this man’s unbreakable stare into my eyes as I was returning the same intense gaze into his eyes. Then I mumbled the words that would shatter my world, my soul, my heart and my human knowledge of the power of love…somewhere from inside of me I felt compelled to tell this man how much Jesus loved him. I said it to him as if it was the first time I had ever heard it, or felt it or shared in it. I repeated myself a couple times and then I was moved to share with him the biggest gift he needed to know…Jesus thought he was beautiful. He WAS, he IS, you are and I am ~ WE ARE ALL BEAUTIFUL. The most unlikely candidate held the highest honor of beauty beholding my eyes on that day, in that moment, from inside my heart channeled through my soul into my eyes...I seen his beauty. Plain and simple the purity of his beauty captivated me. Every time I remember these moments when I said these words I lose my composure and I weep like a baby because this was soo incredibly deep and real. This experience was supernatural and well beyond anything I could have done on my own and I longed so desperately in this moment for this man to know how truly beautiful he was and how he was touching my life, changing my life. By this time I couldn’t see anything of this man’s face but his eyes, that’s all I can truly, vividly, remember of this encounter ~ his eyes were the most extraordinary eyes I have ever seen. No words of beauty describe the depth ~ no words at all can do justice to this man. I was lost inside this gaze between us, I sat silently not knowing what to say or pray, mezmerized by the intensity of what was surrounding me. As this man was staring into my eyes I remember a momentary thought where I secretly cried out in my own heart “God, let him see you ~ please if he can see anything in this moment through my eyes ~ let him see YOU.” and I continued to be enamored by this young man’s stare, the intensity of our connection and when the silent pause became too long Amanda gently encouraged me to end my prayer and let him shine my shoes. Although I NEVER, EVER wanted to break away from the stare I held with this man and never wanted to stop holding his hand and feeling this love, I knew I should end my prayer because I wasn’t even saying words anymore…so I said Amen and I sat there in a drunken status from the love I just encountered while this man shined my muddy, cheap, half-plastic ,donkey riding, insignificant, Walmart shoes completely oblivious to what kind of miracle just unfolded before me. We paid the man for his services and went on our way back to the bus, this entire encounter maybe lasted 5 minutes at the most but in my mind it feels more like weeks and days, time is so unnecessary and incapable of labeling how LONG and how DEEP this experience was.

It’s when I came home and began to reflect upon this encounter that the full impact of the miracle started to reveal itself to me. There’s a very good reason these eyes haunt me, in my dreams, behind my eyelids when I blink, I can not forget these eyes and I would NEVER EVER want to. Every moment a memory of my encounter with those piercing eyes finds me, I’m overwhelmed with emotion and I weep instantly. I sob because of the beauty, the warmth, the compassion, the grace and the intensity of the love I felt at that moment. That very same love I can feel by simply reminiscing about my experience. It’s right there, so vivid I can tap into that emotional water fountain nearly any second of the day and feel the overwhelming sensation flood through me. It’s when I came home and seen that very same scripture that a divine revelation occurred in my soul: Matthew 25:40:

“Whenever you did one of these things to someone overlooked or ignored, that was me-you did it to me.”

The Spirit prompted me to know beyond doubt that man was very special. I jumped off that bus hostage of my own nerves thinking I had something to offer that man with my prayers, knowing I couldn't miss this moment a second time. I thought *I* could do something to heal his heart and share Jesus with him but what I know now is that even if God was using me for His glory to show this man the depth of supernatural love, the surprise is that He was using this man to show love to me! This grungy, dirty, poor, deformed, overlooked and ignored man was my gift of beauty. God wanted to show ME the power of His supernatural love. Why those eyes haunt me so deeply is because that was Jesus looking back at me from inside those dreamlike entrancing brown eyes. I believe with all my soul:

I. seen. Jesus.

When he showed me his face and gazed at me with eyes of a love so intense it pierced my soul I learned so much about our Lord from experiencing Him in living color. His beauty is blinding; His love is mesmerizing; His touch is addicting; His power will melt you. The simplicity of His plan for each of us is brilliantly perfect. I can not believe how miraculous these 5 minutes of my life were: because I stopped for the one. A sentence like this from Heidi Bakers book about God’s love: “He knows how to love His beloved until they feel loved.” rings in my ears like bells from heaven ~ YES! YES! He truly does know just how to reach each of us if we simply let Him. I recognized something in this stranger through the bus window ~ it only took an instant for me to *know* we shared the same pain inside our heart, the same hopelessness without Jesus, so I jumped at the chance to share that very love and hope I had found and knew this man deeply deserved. Because I stopped for the one Jesus showed his face to me and blew my tiny world apart like an atom bomb. My perception and reality of this life have been shattered. I have been destroyed, unraveled and completely UNDONE by the love of Jesus Christ our indescribably merciful Savior. As if that wasn’t enough to consume me another scripture found it’s way to me to reveal even more symbolism in this miraculous encounter:
John 13: Jesus washes His disciples feet:

“When He had finished washing their feet, He put on his clothes and returned to His place.

Do you understand what I have done for you?" He asked them.
I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you.”

I am overcome by humility in realizing it was Jesus that washed my feet that day and it was Jesus who truly stopped for the one ~ that one was me. How could I not be changed for the rest of my life from this gift.

To be present in a moment where Jesus manifests in a physical way deep enough to change the lives of two strangers who were destined to meet on a dirt street in Ethiopia on an ordinary day July 9, 2008 is all the proof I’ll ever need to know that Jesus is truly more than enough for me and I will never let Him go.

The Bus Ride of a Lifetime

2008-08-06T14:03:00.000-07:00

After the donkey experience we used the facilities (and I use that term loosely) at this restaurant/resort to attempt to wash off some of the donkey aftermath before we were going to board the bus for the hour journey back to the guest home. While at this resort we decided there was enough time to experience a traditional Ethiopian coffee ceremony so we gathered inside one of the beautiful little huts filled to the brim with incense smoke to enjoy some famously STRONG gravy thick coffee (I could not participate due to the lovely coffee allergy I have, but Donny indulged his rookie taste buds in a potent caffine overload). Here are some photos from inside the coffee hut.

All the proof you need of God's presence inside this mud/cement hut is in the photo below ~ absolutely stunning photography captured by Mike our resident hot shot behind the camera! I call this one "God's glow"

While we were enjoying the coffee Amanda asked our host Hannah if we might be able to pray over the girl who was preparing our coffee(pictured in the above photos), so Hannah asked her. She agreed but was a bit worried about getting “caught” and getting into trouble. So we promised to be discrete. She shared that “people like us often use this time for stuff like this but this was the first time she was being invited to participate”…we could tell that even in her reservation she was excited to be participating in our love for Jesus and ultimately His love for her. Just then Amanda asked our group if someone would volunteer to pray for the young girl and immediately a vibe of energy surged through my body and I felt “I should” volunteer although I was momentarily paralyzed by fear from having absolutely no idea how to pray over people and being TERRIFIED of praying out loud especially since I’m branded by spiritual ignorance when it comes to all things faith related ~ this is seriously a fly by the seat of your uneducated pants kind of ride for me. From the tiniest step to the hugest leap I have not the slightest idea how it’s mapped out in the Bible and what is the “right” way to do things. Talk about blind faith in God ~ I’m totally dependent upon him for every step I take! So here was this energy coursing through my veins again just like the day at church where I thought my legs might run away without me and just as I was about to sheepishly volunteer my horrible novice prayer services Evelyn jumped up and sounded excited for the opportunity. Whew, dodged a bullet! I was a bit relieved I wouldn’t have to torture everyone on our team with a lengthy prayer consisting mostly of words fumbling off my thick tongue like the infamous “um, um…silence…um, um”. All through the 20+ minutes Evelyn led us in prayer for this girl I felt the same energy inside me, fluttering around like nervous butterflies and I was starting to feel bummed that I didn’t jump at the chance to pray for this girl because I couldn’t get over the idea that I just wanted to physically touch this girl in some way. I felt the energy would subside if I could just touch this girl. So when we were finished praying I went up to her and gave her an “extended” hug so I could touch her and I said some silly silent prayer like “God, for whatever reason you needed me to touch her, here I am, you do your thing, heal her, touch her, move her, connect with her, make your presence known I have no clue why I ‘had’ to touch her but that much I did understand from you, Lord.” and I mumbled a little Amen and went on my way…to the bus. And I was right the energy subsided and was gone after I exited the coffee hut.

So we jumped on the bus and there was a little excited chaos about to break out from a few freebies that were being shared with people. I think Chris gave the shirt off his back because we didn’t bring much to give away. Simon gave some kids a new soccer ball and they were off like a flash of lightening giggling with delight. We finally managed to get the doors closed, everyone from our team inside the bus and we took off ~ destined for Addis.

I quickly realized we had an extra passenger. It was a local lady and I had no idea how or why she was on the bus with us but no one seemed alarmed and acted as if she belonged with us. Before I could ask any questions, Amanda quickly announced she wanted us all to pray over this woman, so we asked permission to pray for her and she accepted.

IMMEDIATELY this flood of energy came rushing back very, very intensely!! I knew I had to touch this woman…so I made my way from the back of the bus excusing myself with the statement “sorry, I have to touch this lady” and the moment my hand connected with her shoulder a tingling sensation that was so intense it was slightly painful in that “sleeping arm” kind of way multiplied by 100 kilowatts(which is my lame attempt at sharing the approximate level of intensity for you all to “feel” with me here). Falguni was leading prayer over this woman and I quickly placed my other hand on this woman's shoulder because the tingling in my free hand was hurting and it felt ‘lighter’ when I was touching her. Then out of the blue, I began weeping, sobbing, from a deep place that I’ve never consciously known because I have never sobbed in this LOUD manner before (besides the day at church where I encountered the Holy Spirit). This was not my nature to be wailing so deeply and so loudly, amongst a crowd no less, but there was no controlling it. In all actuality I was kind of experiencing this moment from the outside looking in. I remember thinking “I must appear ridiculous” and imagined looking at myself in disbelief at the extent of my sobbing. Amanda then asked me if I was receiving something and I mumbled “I think so” (another defining moment of my ignorance!! I could barely stand on my own feet from this energy rushing through me and my answer was I THINK SO?!) So they let me begin to pray over the woman and I can’t remember what I prayed as I mentioned above it was almost as though I was looking in from the outside. I remember my voice started to grow louder as my prayer went on and right before I hit “southern Baptist preacher” mode the woman broke off the prayer. She was becoming uncomfortable and asked us to stop. So I quickly stopped although I didn’t want to at all, I had to convince myself to stop touching the woman I never wanted to let go ~ it was surreal and beautiful and all so new to me.

When I began to gain presence in my mind I immediately felt a little “embarrassed”. This was only day 2 of our trip and my team mates didn’t really know me all that well and here I was sobbing like a fruit loop openly in front of everyone beyond control. Plus, I know what I look like after I cry so I was oh-so excited to be sporting that red-faced, puffy-eyed glamorous look for the next 30 minutes. Add that to my bad missionary haircut and you are guaranteed a sight for sore eyes ~ literally eyes would be watering from pain at the sight of my face! (ha ha) So I went back to my seat IN THE BACK OF THE BUS to try to dull the sensations pulsating through my veins like wild fire and calm myself down, maybe gather my thoughts somewhere in there because whatever just happened to my body was INTENSE and I had no idea what to think! I'm fairly certain I had been asking for this but man alive this was some powerful stuff, it made me weak in the knees and light headed yet I was invigorated and felt weightless, floating in the cloud singing praise to Jesus. Careful what you pray for you just might get an answer your little body and small mind can barely handle! I needed some time to digest what had just occurred. Plus I didn’t want to look at anyone until the eye swelling subsided and the blotchy red skin disappeared. I just remember thinking “oh no, Donny is going to be frightened half to death so I asked him about a hundred times if he was okay.” I remember apologizing in there somewhere too telling him I had no idea what was happening to me, but secretly I *knew* this is what I had been praying for all along, a moment in my little life where I could have the opportunity to be a physical part of glorifying our God. After all I had spent many hours, nights and weeks feverishly praying to be used for the good of our Lord.

Within moments of reflecting upon this experience, I knew this would be a memory near & dear to my heart once I could consume what took place and I knew it would become a pivotal piece of my ever growing walk with Jesus so I did have the presence of mind to get a picture of the lady who shaped my life in an undeniable way. Yet another picture that is priceless in value to my heart for God's love for this precious lamb is sooo deep it affected me physically beyond my comprehension. For a moment I had the pleasure to share in God's love as He showered it over this beautiful lady and it was the most intense minutes I had ever experienced. A blessing I'm deeply humbled by just having an opportunity to be present in the moment.

So we continued on with the bus ride into Addis and in no time another opportunity would arise….stay tuned...

to be continued….

In preparation...

2008-08-04T09:10:00.000-07:00

Hang on my friends for this ride is about to get a little bumpy for some of you (if it isn’t already!). All I can say in comfort to those who are already uncomfortable is I remember when I couldn't even see the fence and I also remember when I reached the point of standing with one leg on both sides of the fence, hanging on to what I “knew” and longing for more of what was being “offered” to me (like a carrot on a stick! Holy MOLY!). I came to a point on this journey where I couldn’t have both anymore and the lure over to this side was too great to ever choose to go back to what I “knew”. SO I JUMPED ~ like the kids off the cliff in that music video I showed back in June!

I KNOW this is going to stretch a lot of you and I know some of what I will share in the next week will be hard to consume as reality and truly if I had not experienced it myself I too may want to dismiss it as a “Maria tale”. I assure you my friends that when I decided a few months before this trip to jump with both feet over to THIS SIDE of the fence I found that incredible feeling of free-falling ~ when your feet never have to land ~ to be a permanent status = FLYING [without being trapped inside a plane!] There’s never a limitation on what you can expect out of life and that is only a gift our heavenly Father can give us. But He needs your heart in return, all of it, no strings attached, no limitations or fears or sacrifice too great and I think that’s more than a fair trade! It most definitely was for me ~ it was like trading an old unused pile of cold bricks for a brand new home! It takes a scary leap of faith though to stop “riding the fence” and choose a side ~ I’m soooo glad I chose to jump because I have never known the true definition of words like: beautiful, inner peace, happiness, miraculous, love, comfort and spirituality UNTIL NOW and how feeling all these attributes abundantly blessing our life every second of every day is what God truly desires for each of us. These gifts are just WAITING FOR US until we decide we’re ready for them ~ heart and soul. What a gift indeed ~ it even sits on the shelf waiting until you decide to open the box! :)

So I want to share with you some very inspiring words that I read recently out of my next over-the-top awesomely inspiring book by Heidi Baker, titled “Expecting Miracles”. (I think the title might be giving a little too much away here!) I think these words will help prep you for the way I will be speaking about the next series of events that unfolded during our trip in Africa. If the following paragraphs scare the crap out of you ~ well then strap your seatbelts on ~ because I found these words to be the exacts thoughts that I couldn’t seem to capture on paper!! Here are some great excerpts that will help you soften your heart and open your soul to the stories that I will soon be sharing.

From the book “Expecting Miracles”:

“Life Principles: Fresh Bread!

More than the food and drink we need to live, we need fresh bread from heaven. We need the bread of life that only Jesus can provide - His glorious presence. Those who are spiritually hungry will be satisfied as they eat and drink of Jesus. My prayer is constantly that God would give us such a hunger for Him, and that He would pour out the healing of His Holy Spirit on all who are desperate for Him. We need to WELCOME SUCH HUNGER. We need to be like helpless little children before our Savior, giving Him full and absolute control of every area of our lives. Then we will know that, truly, Jesus is more than enough…

…We don’t comprehend how much of God’s presence is available to us. Jesus so wants to fill us with His Spirit that there will be always more than enough. Not for us to selfishly consume ourselves, but to give away! Jesus wants to fill us to overflowing so that His presence will touch every single person who crosses our path in life.

Often, we are so spiritually malnourished that we have nothing to offer anyone. We are weak vessels because we spend all our resources chasing after that which is not satisfying. But we need the presence of God more than we need anything else in life. It is only His presence that will truly satisfy us. God is looking for the people who are hungry enough for Him alone that they will be able to feed a nation with His presence.

Anyone who is desperate enough for Jesus will be satisfied! Thank God there is nothing in ourselves that we can do to earn this provision – it has been paid for already! But we need a hungry heart to receive it. And when we do, Jesus multiplies whatever He pours into us until we find ourselves feeding others – the spiritually desperate and starving. He wants to place something of Himself in our hand that will be a provision to many.

We live in a broken world. Jesus wants us to notice and help those around who are so in need of His presence. He wants us to reach out to them. But we can’t go to them empty-handed. We need the fresh bread of His presence to feed the starving.”

ARE YA STILL WITH ME? I surely hope so because these paragraphs do more justice to describing this child-like journey to Jesus I’ve been on than any words I’ve attempted to capture. I nod YES uncontrollably and giggle like a school girl when I read every single word from that book I just quoted! I have been absolutely undone by the love of Jesus!! My stories that will follow from this point onward will be the kind that will never need MY “touch of flare” to spice them up. The kind of tales you all are so accustomed to hearing from me in the past ~ you know my writing tendencies, I like to keep your interest! The encounters I’ve had face to face with Jesus in Africa are all the story I can handle ~ to relive these moments for your benefit are emotionally EXHAUSTING but I can’t keep these goodies to myself, they are for US ALL to experience a little bit of Jesus! I swear my friends I have not completely fallen off my rocker ~ it’s just so hard not to fall hopelessly in love with faith and the whole works when Jesus shows His face to you and He beats inside your heart!

A Preview

2008-08-01T12:44:00.000-07:00

This is out of the order of my "time line" but I had to post this now. My heart aches so deeply, I had to share this now.

I had seen this video about a month or two before we left and I thought it was touching and that was the end of my connection. I don't expect you all to know how personal this song and video are to my soul, but if anyone on my team happens accross this post ~ may they know whatever tears are shed, I shed them too. I happened across this video just moments ago and I lost the dam that's been holding back a huge flood. Seeing this video NOW, after Rwanda and after Ethiopia ~ it steals the images right out from behind my retina and paints them all over this video. I have seen these sights with my own eyes, seen these faces and shared these smiles ~ these are my memories in someone else's eyes, someone beautifully captured what pain lingers after Africa destroys you. I'm haunted by this video and this song so deeply I could barely make it through the 4 minutes.

There's a line that you don't understand quite yet but ripped the pain from a broken part of my heart and plastered it on this screen "I saw my son in a little boy's eyes" ~ you will never know how many tears flow from my heart and my eyes when I know from the inside out what this sentence means.

I miss you Africa ~ You showed me beauty that I could never replace. You shared with me pain that I can never heal. You gave me a God so big my arms can't reach around Him. You made a hole that I can never repair.

I. MISS. YOU.

The day of the Donkey...

2008-08-01T10:44:00.000-07:00

After our time at Hannah's Hope we drove to the Mother Teresa orphanage to find all 600+ kiddies were sleeping. It was nap time and I'll be the LAST person to volunteer to roust some nuns and 600 kids from a nap. We were told to leave and come back in around an hour or so. Well what would we do with ourselves during this time? Amanda decided it might be a good time for us to embark upon that donkey racing adventure we were promised as a “good time”. So that is what we did.

About 25 minutes into the bus ride we learned that the “donkey farm” was around an hour drive out of town so we knew there was no getting back to the orphanage this afternoon and I was bummed to be forfeiting my time with orphans for a donkey ride. During our bus ride the clouds started thicken, thunder rolled and rain began to pour down. I thought to myself “what could be more fun than riding a donkey ~ perhaps riding a wet donkey?” [insert sarcasm disclaimer here!] I found it hard to “contain” my excitement. But then I was humbled to the point of silence by looking out the window at the elderly ladies carrying loads of twigs bundled on their back the size of round hay bale, bare foot, drenched in the rain, huffing exhaustively down the winding road of the mountain side and I thought I should bite my tongue and feel privileged that my day contained “entertainment” of any sorts for these ladies were working harder than all the years I had in my life combined in just one afternoon.

So we arrived at the “race track” to find ourselves meandering up a muddy goat path to literally some guy’s farm yard. The farmer/leader led us out to the middle of the pasture where the games would begin. Soon the locals were joining from every possible corner you could imagine. Donkeys were on the loose running ramped through the crowd that was forming. I instantly became invigorated that this afternoon was going to be special and I was convinced FUN was written all over this hillbilly adventure! It seemed we had so perfectly landed in this moment not by plan B or as a secondary decision to essentially “kill time” ~ I found an excitement inside me bursting as though I had been planning, waiting and jumping for joy about this day! God does funny things under the rubber stamp dubbed “coincidence”…it was NO COINCIDENCE we landed smack dab in the middle of donkey day in the pouring rain! So we trekked through the farm yard and set our sights on the beautiful meadow/pasture that was of course our race track! We had to cross this ravine that was about 8-10 feet deep. The local kids ages 4+ were leaping this sucker like a puddle and my eyes were bulging out of my head as to how on earth I’d cross this HUGE OPENING without taking a serious mud bath! The beautiful men recognized the horrified look on all us girls’ faces so they jumped right into the ravine and formed a little human bridge. I mean seriously we made an ordeal out of this and the locals just laughed & laughed! I giggled too because how could you NOT! Wimpy Americans ~ even me, I was being such a princess ~ the back woods country girl should feel right at home right, nah, I didn’t really want to dirty my capri khaki pants! No worries, I soon threw that frame of mind out the window!

So we all survived crossing the creek! Once we were in the line up of the “starting gate” we were being bombarded by anxious donkey farmers to choose their prize racer. Secretly through my chuckling I felt horrible for these poor donkey’s they were the size of my neighbor’s yellow lab ~ these were NOT donkey’s in my mind and in no way did they deserve to have to tote us around. Think of Donny on the back of a Labrador Retriever, with legs as "thick" as an ostrich ~ now don’t you feel bad for these poor animals too! It’s by the grace of God these poor things survived the day. I had to put my sympathy card away for these mini donkey machine’s because everyone else was already hopping on so I thought “what’s one more, really”? Do I truly want to go home and say I sat on the sidelines during “donkey day” ~ forget the khaki’s I’M IN IT, TO WIN IT! My favorite saying of "it's on like donkey kong" suddenly had a brand new context!! So I made some farmer’s day by choosing his donkey as he all but put the animal between my legs for me! He was eager to earn a few $$$ for his donkey’s service, let’s just say that! His first words to me were “Go fast?” ~ OMG, my life flashed before my eyes as he passed me the twine string reins to hold onto and began whipping this mini old haggard thing to run! With my legs folded like an accordion to keep from dragging on the ground I some how mumbled “let’s WIN” through the vibrating torture of this donkey’s spine connecting with my tail bone! I bounced around like a piece of popcorn on this animal and the man just kept running along side me, the donkey increasing in speed with every stride. The fans laughing HYSTERICALLY at this circus carnival gone bad! At one point Donny and I were neck & neck for the lead ~ no way did I come to Africa to lose another competition against Donny, NO WAY! I switched into serious mode like I was competing in the Olympic donkey races. Suddenly our guide Akim announced for us to turn around and head back to the starting gates which would now be the finish line. Too bad for Donny his racing guide kept running straight off into the abyss of the meadow. I wish I had the courage to peek at him running off like a blind jogger on some National Lampoons comedy show but it took all my concentration to not lose my grip on the twine ~ so I couldn't even enjoy a moment of delight at Donny's ignorant expense! Suddenly my donkey turned on a dime to whip me around for the home stretch towards VICTORY. About 10 feet from the moment of my glory, the donkey whipped out a secret move that nearly cost me my life. The friggin thing dropped his head and put on the emergency brakes ~ I slid down the neck of this little beast screaming at my race driver for help, trying to clench my legs around the belly of this donkey instead of using my brain and just setting my feet stand on the ground! My farmer friend grabbed me just as I was meeting the donkey’s ears and about to go "end over end" in ya know what I mean. He held me on and we skated through to the finish line and he cheered victoriously, the crowd cheered ~ how could I not get caught up in the moment so I CHEERED and basked in the glory of being the donkey racing QUEEN! I should've busted out some true white girl rhythm for these folks, but I was rejoicing in still having my LIFE and checking to see if all limbs were still attached and if the donkey survived in one solid piece instead of showing off my victory groove thang!

We truly were the entertainment of the month for these folks ~ maybe the year?! It was my deepest privilege to be lost in this moment, no language barrier kept us from laughing till our sides ached. The smiles on their faces and sniggers under their breath to one another made my day. I exchanged my dignity for their enjoyment and I was honored to do so. True humility came for me in throwing my reservations out the window to become their "dog & pony show" or should I say "donkey show". A day that they can forever rejoice in God gifting them 13 idiot Americans standing in their pasture seeking a thrill only their donkey's could provide! I mean seriously, can you imagine what was going through their mind's when we asked to ride their donkey's in a race? Tell me God is not a comedian!

I came off that donkey smelling more like him than he did. Khaki was no longer a color I knew ~ but I was a winner, I remember that much! This moment was like heaven. I felt like a little kid, getting dirty, having fun, wasting time and the biggest gift of all was this was absolutely the farthest thing from “a waste of time”. God put us here in this moment for a taste of the depths of Ethiopia nestled in the rolling hills of the mountain side encapsulated by beauty. My eyes were dancing across sights that could not be seen from inside the city limits of Addis Ababa. The scenery was so lush and the mountains so gorgeous and the people were even more amazing. The rain added that special touch as if God was smiling down as the referee of these games. The mist that lingered in the air when the rain subsided just in time for our races to begin was the perfect visual symbol of fresh, innocent, natural countryside in all its beauty. The memories and stories we gave to those people on that day are priceless. The memories and stories they gave to me are priceless! I couldn’t have imagined a more perfect moment than out there in the manure, mud, rain, grass filled pasture laughing my butt off, high-fiving and hugging these people for cheering me on. Shaking hands and meeting new friendly faces. Seeing smiles so big that I thought their cheeks might crack. Hearing laughter so deep from the bottom of their bellies I had to giggle in accordance! Taking photos that captured this miraculous day will forever remind me of my indescribable day of the donkey in Ethiopia. My best advice to all of you is get your butt to Africa for the next donkey race ~ you'll never regret it or forget it!

There I am in the background ~ leaving no photographic evidence of me on the back of a donkey ~ I didn't need that one coming back to haunt me.

Although many others on our team gladly posed with their victim donkey's for a prize photo!

The whole peanut's gang!! :)

Day 2 finally begins!

2008-07-30T13:23:00.000-07:00

I remember before I went to bed closing our first day in Addis, after experiencing AHope I prayed my heart out asking God to make his presence known in an undeniably big way. Our entire team amped up the prayers and boldly demanded God to use us, break us and change us ~ He sent us to Africa and we came wanting Him to guide our every footstep. We begged the Lord to use our time for His purpose and help us find a way to impact and flood the hearts of these beautiful Ethiopian souls with the love of Jesus. Every one of us knew the gift of that supernatural love first hand and we came eager to share that invitation with those who may not have ever known the invitation was for THEM as well (and you too for that matter)! I remember tucking myself into bed feeling like I was so small and I didn’t accomplish anything of value my first day. I came with big dreams to share Jesus, His infinite gift of hope and love with these children, the ones who truly needed His hope to survive. I had not yet shared that hope with anyone and felt useless. I begged God to make His face known; if He had a plan to use me in Africa He might have to show up with big flashing neon lights to get my attention. I wanted to remind Him how truly ignorant I was to this new world of serving Him and so He needed to hold my hand a little longer here!! I knew every minute I had to spend in Africa was precious beyond measure and I wanted to live every nano-second in the fullest glorifying our amazing God and His miraculous power! I came to Africa to be emptied and I reassured God that I was ready for that to begin! (When I came home I truly realized that obviously had begun from the moment I touched African soil. But during the “present time” in Africa I did not know or feel this yet.)

So I awoke on Thursday, July 10th amped up for a big day! I had no clue what was about to come my way and all I can say looking back now is “I asked for it!” and I’m so glad I did!

Our day began at a place called Hannah’s Hope; a transitional home for the adoption agency All God’s Children. That means the kiddies we were meeting are the lucky few that would soon be on their way home to their forever families. I met the extraordinary Almaz for the first time ~ a lady who is dear to many hearts!! FYI: Sorry no pictures of the kiddies could be taken so you'll have to settle with only a few shots.

The girls in our "gang" posing with Almaz.

Coming to the front door of this place was symbolic for me as an adoptive mom. Here’s a door I’m about to enter that means so much more than a door to so many people who are aching to become “mom & dad”. A door that many adoptive families gaze at through a single photo endlessly for months until it is finally their turn to knock; a door that holds so many precious dreams behind its bolted lock; a door that opens to a new chapter for every child and parent whose beginning takes place behind this door. Here I was about to be gifted the opportunity to walk through this door and smother these children with love, love that so many desperate parents are aching to pour out of their hearts. I had the chance to be a vessel for that love to find its way to their precious child on this day. Although I have no idea who had parents and who did not nor who their parents would be, I walked through that door with the heart of an adoptive mom throbbing on my sleeve. Coming from that place of excruciating patience longing for the day to touch the magically soft skin of the very baby God chose for you, the child you searched high & low for, the one you cried bucket loads of tears to be gifted to you, the child that took you on a journey that changed your life before you even had the chance to meet, there was no denying this moment was a tender gift for me.

But wait, because there’s another side to this coin and another box to unwrap inside this gift. I was being given an opportunity to see the children’s lives inside their “home away from home” and to be a part of their world to see inside their view of this journey. This place truly is their home, they are so loved here, they are magnetizing in their boisterous personalities too large for their little bodies. They clung to their nannies for protection from our big scary white (some nearly albino ~ like me) faces! They giggled profusely at the mere sight of our crazy puppets. They were ticklish beyond belief. These children were happy and this was their home. The mood was so much lighter, the hope and renewal in their spirits was big enough to nearly grab onto! Every one of these 50+ children confirmed to me the miracle of what love can do when sewn into one’s heart. There were a couple vivacious little divas in the making, somewhere between 2 -3 years old. I remember thinking their families have no IDEA what’s coming jam packed inside their tiny bodies! I LOVED IT! Every little face was gorgeous, which was no surprise because that seems to be the norm in Ethiopia ~ absolute stunning natural beauty. I played outside for a solid 30 minutes before someone announced to me there was a house full of babies to be drooling over, so I raced inside for my chance to oogle! When I walked in the room I was shocked to see somewhere around 20+ babies. There were babies everywhere! I guess thinking from an adoptive mom’s point of view I always thought babies were so “far and few between" thus creating such painfully long waiting times for parents. So to see more than 20 sweet babies inside this room blew my mind! Of course there was a chubby little guy just waking up from a nap flirting with me, using his endless smile to lure me in ~ so I scooped him up a laid the kisses on thick! He was such a sweet natured lil ham, dimples and all! I could barely give him back, but I was missing those little divas outside so I had to give him up so I could commence with the running, tickling and torturing the toddlers!

When I came back outside I laid my eyes on a beautifully shy little girl, I came over to see if she wanted to play and she shrieked with terror and latched onto her nannies leg for dear life. Soon, I began to piece together that I was probably one of the first whitey’s she had the pleasure of seeing. The nannies were caressing my arms and one kissed my cheek to prove that I was harmless…and finally this little girl warmed up to me and planted a tiny peck on my cheek that took me by complete surprise. Once I had taken my eye off her she found the courage to sneak in for the kiss. Then she became my best friend! I loved it! Soon Donny came over and she shrieked in terror again, I totally understood where she was coming from on that one! Ha!

There was this little toddler boy that captivated the audience and I hung on his every swift move. He was truly a little Einstein in the flesh. This boy was so eloquent in the way he danced with a soccer ball, his coordination far surpassed his tiny age. This boy had soccer skills that would give David Beckham a serious run for his money and I think this mini-pro was about 3yrs old. I know he schooled every [bad] American soccer player we brought with us! The boy just could not quit kicking the soccer ball and wooing us with his mad skills. I was tired from simply watching his explosive energy never end. This kid was a genius! I inquired with Almaz if this boy’s family had any idea the little energizer bunny that was coming home to them. That was when I learned this little boy hadn’t been chosen by a family yet and I felt so sad in that moment because he was so exceptional, a true shining star with a little extra twinkle. She said he might have a harder time than the other children here finding a family because his "head is bigger" in circumference than the average. I thought this boy was so special, incredibly adorable and simply magnetizing and it pained me to think of this vanity. Here was my first glance inside the view of a child longing for a family. The flip side of the coin I mentioned above but here was the reality of that side being overcast by shadow. Because of some measurements on a piece of paper prospective parents might be deterred from seeking him as their own babe. That hurts my heart to think about a child who longs to be loved and dreams of a family while he watches all his friends go home with their forever families. I came in the door as an adoptive mom but now I was envisioning life from the little shoes of a waiting child. The agonizing time I spoke of as a parent waiting for their child miserably fails in comparison to the heart-wrenching wait of a child who can only dream and never have security in knowing a family is coming to love him, although that dream is coming true for all the friends that surround him. What a dark shadow to be living in when every single child is so preciously and uniquely designed by our Father to be perfect. I see this sweet boy every time I close my eyes and I pray God's perfect family finds him soon because he is the grand prize of one-in-a-million kind of babes. He will do great things in his life, I could see that instantly from sharing time with him. What an ultimate gift he would be to a family that took a chance on "not-so-average" numerical statistics. Those statistics we base our decisions on in life seem so minuscule when you meet the faces before ever seeing the numbers. God gifted me yet another valuable lesson in this encounter at Hannah's Hope. He proved to me with a beautiful, talented, shining star of an adorable face with beautifully brown eyes so big you could fall into them that beyond a doubt "waiting children" have a cozy warm home in my heart that I didn't know existed this deeply until now.

So again, I'll leave you with the last sight my eyes were set upon when leaving Hannah's Hope. This picture seems so symbolic to me ~ a perfect visual representation of the long, lonely journey for a "waiting child" to find their home.

Pause!

2008-07-29T09:31:00.000-07:00

I know, I know...most people hate when you pause in the middle of a potentially GREAT story to share something totally random. BUT, what I love about my life is how much God inspires me and how I'm desperate to share with all of you God's inspiration! He pumps this dream through my veins as if it were the essence to my survival, the foundation of my heart beat to keep passing on to any one this blog may reach that spark of hope that is born from inspiration ~ that spark of hope that saved ME! :)

So today I share this because I'm inspired to dream that my life's journey may make me a little more like Matt some day.

I rejoice in the fact that this video probably makes God smile and cry just as much as it does me! :)

Where the Hell is Matt? (2008) from Matthew Harding on Vimeo.

Don't close the curtain yet....

2008-07-28T11:27:00.001-07:00

I have one more post relating to our experience at AHope that has been heavy on my heart since my eyes were captivated by the little girl's smile in this photo and the story that surrounds it. This photo destroys the old saying "a picture's worth a thousand words" and demolishes the definition of the word "priceless". There are no words on this earth that do justice to the value of this photo...

Since this is not really "my" story to tell, I'm going to preface this entry with some confessions. I took the liberty of borrowing this pic from my friends ~ as you've noticed two of their very beautiful faces in the picture ~ before asking permission, I'm hoping they don't mind! EEK! I also want to note I didn't get the opportunity to let this little girl change my life like she truly affected many others on our team. My path did not "cognitively" cross hers until the end of our day where I did get the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to pray for her. That is how God put her on my heart just as deeply as He tied her to our entire team's heartstrings. With double knots and fancy girly bows...this girl is attached to all of us. Sadly, I do not even know her name so for the sake of my "story" I'm going to call her Hope, for that seems the most appropriate title for this lil diamond.

Hope was another beautiful face in the line-up of many shy girls we encountered when we first came bouncing into AHope's playground. I imagine she warmed up to us in due time along with all the other girls and busily enjoyed all the activities. I may or may not have had the privilege of painting her, I simply do not know (for that lack of memory, I'm greatly saddened). I know other team mates have notable memories of their time shared with Hope. So why is Hope heavy on my heart you ask? Why must I dedicate an entire post to a little girl I didn't get the chance to even play with? Because Hope's story is one of heartbreaking reality and the first time that very reality check slapped me sternly in the face. Hope's battle with AIDS affected her time as a joyful little girl embracing childhood and I seen with my very own eyes the evidence of her little body fighting to stay alive.

I don't have Hope's "story" from beginning to end, but what I *think* I know of her story is that she's a very sick little girl, she tires easily and so she often slips off to bed very early(I'm talking afternoon), quietly, unnoticed, alone, with no one to comfort her or hold her as she battles pain and sickness. She curls up in a tiny ball and lulls herself to sleep in a state of discomfort with no mom to be found. Could you imagine being 9yrs old and sick without a mom to hold you? Unfortunately or fortunately most of us cannot imagine this. So how could we even stop to imagine for one second what it must be like to be 9yrs old and dying all alone without a mom to hold you? How Hope came into my life and affected me was when I was in the midst of our tour of their home, we came loudly and boisterously crashing into the bedroom where little Hope lay motionless, sleeping, curled up in the fetal position in the furthest corner of her tiny bed close to the wall, no blankets on her to snuggle her in, no jammies, no mama, no comfort. When did this beautiful little girl sneak away from all the fun we were having and become overwhelmed by her sickness? None of us knew how long she had been there but the mood in the room instantly fell to silence. Many team members knelt down beside Hope and caressed her back. There was no response from Hope. Our team felt moved in this moment to cry out to Jesus and ask for his presence and his healing touch to flood down upon our dearest Hope. We gathered together in prayer because that was the greatest gift of comfort we had to offer.

So this picture is golden beyond measure to me for now I have a memory of Hope with a smile. I can see her beautiful eyes and her perfect little face and I can try to stop the image of a lifeless, tiny, frail, curled little body of pain from plaguing my memory. There is a reality to AIDS and in the face of Hope it struck me like a mack10 semi-truck for the first time; every single hand I held, face I touched, smile I shared, giggled I heard will be a child on the same journey as Hope's. It pains me to embrace this reality yet God keeps reminding me I have to. So I dedicate this post to Hope and the "hope" she brings to my life. I stretch my arms out to Jesus and I cry to him for Hope. I feel you all should do the same so I bring Hope's story to this place so you too can see her smile and her beautiful eyes and her perfect little face. So your dreams can be haunted too by the face of Hope and your prayers too can be prayers of hope for Hope's future. May you join me in prayer for every single child whose story is just like Hope. Even though I know God's hand is upon them, I cry out to him asking that He embrace them with the comfort that only our mom's can give when our bodies are weak and sick and love is the best medicine. So many times in my life my mom was the greatest doctor I had ever known! If no mama is there for Hope, may she feel God Himself curled up beside her in the furthest corner of her bed. May He be that blanket that tucks her in and the jammies that keep her warm. May He be the healing hand placed warmly upon wherever her frail body aches with sickness and heal her with His mighty touch. May each child know that they are never alone and God is always by their side. May all your prayers include Hope....