Garage Sale Goodness!!

So we're jumping in head first on this idea of raising some funds for our Haiti Mission Trip! We'd love your advice on how to do such a thing cuz we only have one plan in place with wheels in motion....and if I am stark honest with you all, I'd have to admit, *asking* for money makes the skin crawl right off my back so becoming a "fundraiser" is about as outside of my element as one could possibly SHOVE ME. But inventive ways to earn some cashola has my thinker workin' overtime, my engine revving, wheels turning, exhaust rolling...or maybe I'm just burning rubber over here? Please DeAr FrIeNdS...this is our plea to you: we'd love all the wild advice and crazy ideas we can get on this one as we have just weeks to prepare and as much as we've rubbed our two pennies together, they're not multiplying over here!

Here is our list so far, what do you have to add ~ creativity wins extra points!! ha!

We are taking donations for our garage sale if you have anything you'd like to part ways with we'd gladly accept some items to make our sale a lil more "beefy". We'd also LOVE for you to tell all your friends, especially all your Buckman & Pierz friends so they can come shopping.

When He Whispers...

I've been waiting for a few months to share this testimony and reveal the secrets of our heart in celebration of a wondrously big God who calls us to walk upon the deep waters with Him! I've been "holding this secret" since April and I want to BURST. Every time I sit down to express my heart, there are no words. That's a first for me (I see you nodding your head in agreement as you've all received a 'Maria War & Peace Novel' under the guise of an email response). Usually my fingers can not keep up to the speed of my spirit when I sit down to "pour out" onto the "paper"....but not this time. Time and again I sat down to complete blankness. So I waited for Him to give me the words, after all it is His story and so I must wait on Him to share it!

I feel that time has arrived. So here goes nothing:

Early this past spring, I sensed the Lord whispering to me in a way that only could have been His voice speaking. He was sending me intimately personalized signs, one after another, as if to say He wanted my undivided attention! Once I realized it was truly the Lord's heartbeat I was hearing, I was overwhelmed with excitement as He downloaded the secrets of His heart to me. Of course, I immediately ran off to Donny to share all that God had been wildly revealing to me and as always, when the details poured from my rambling mouth, I watched my husband's eyes grow to the size of watermelons and dislodge from his sockets and fall onto his lap. But we agreed to join together in prayer, listening for Him and pressing in for confirmation. And confirmation we did receive, in abundance, because God is that good and He knows just how to speak in a way that His children will assuredly hear His voice!

So what is it that God was speaking to me that was so glorious and terrifying that it could cause my husbands eyes to morph into some reaction reminiscent of a scene from Beetlejuice? It was an invitation of grand-proportion to see God calling our first born son as a man.

God began to reveal His heart to me about my son Zachary. He showed me deeply personal secrets of the visions & dreams that the God of the UNIVERSE carries over Zach's life AS A MAN and my heart began to unravel at the seams in awe & wonder over the magnitude of God's calling upon our son. I knew it was time for this mama to grab a new pair of eyeballs herself! I needed to open my eyes to start seeing this "little boy" of ours as the man that God could see. And I began to wonder if David's mother seen him in a new light after God called out that puny, little, pubescent, teenage boy to step into his calling by entering a ring to battle Goliath with a kid's sling-shot carrying a man's legacy as future king called to be a world changer, with a warrior's heart and the faith of an intimate worshiper? Did his mama look at him with those eyes? Did she see sitting before her a boy who was destined to overcome the impossible with just a little rock? Did she realize that day God began to reveal to all of us one of the most epic tales of a hero's legacy found in the Old Testament? While she looked in the face of that pubescent boy coming home excitedly telling her eye-socket-popping tales at the kitchen table over his peanut butter & jelly sandwich...did she see a man?

I'll tell you God doesn't see us the way we see ourselves or even see each other...and I'm so thankful for that. It is my life's pursuit of love to always see the way God sees. I have a long way to go, but every day I get the chance to practice! So on with spilling the secret;

After I had clearly received all the signs, knew God's voice was obviously pointing in this one direction, resuscitated my husband back to life, prayed together with fervency; we decided we had to bring this invitation to the table for Zach to pray about as well after all, it was more about him than either of us anyway..this much I knew. So one night I sat down with Zach while Donny was out of town to share with him the vision that God had shown me and ask him to pray with us. I was wildly excited, but my heart was reserved as I didn't actually believe Zach would EVER agree to something so monumentally big & scary for a 12yr old, not-to-mention it was going to be costly for him to accept. So I shared, that God was asking us, mother & son, if we'd go on a mission trip to Haiti together in November 2014. It would require that Zach spend his birthday in Haiti and that he would miss rifle hunting in Minnesota this year (his greatest passionate obsession with his dad), he'd miss school for a week and possibly some basketball practice. As you can imagine ~ he reacted in our new "Traut tradition" and I had to catch his eyeballs too as they lept off his face like spring-loaded bouncy balls!

Indeed it was a costly decision that he must pray about and hear God speak to his own heart, and he wrestled it out for a week. 7 days later we sat down to talk about a decision as a family as we had a deadline in April we had to make the choice by and it was the 11th hour. As we sat down on the couch and I could tell by Zach's behavior all week that it was a hard decision for him, I felt undoubtedly his answer was going to be "no" and I had come to terms in my own heart with "no" being the reality....but just as his eyes met mine;

I said "well, we have to make a choice tonight"
And he blurted out "I know what God wants me to do"
I said "you do?"
Then he said "yeah, God wants me to go to Haiti."
And I responded [in shock] "wow, did He give you a sign, or how did He speak to you that you're so certain?"
He then shared "well, the week before you told me about the trip, God spoke to me and said He had something really special for me on my birthday this year. Then when you were talking to me about the trip, God was speaking to me at the same time saying "this is the special thing I have for you"...then you told me the trip was over my birthday".

Yep, you guessed it...insert mom's dangling eyeballs from sockets here....with a side of speechless dad choking on his own tongue.

OH MY HEART....

At this point, it didn't matter to me if we went on the trip or not, I was in awe of my son's ability to hear the Lord speak to him and to KNOW God's voice so assuredly! This moment without doubt had me in tears of absolute joy.

Long story short(er): We didn't make a decision that night because Zach's fears and God's voice conflicted to the degree he simply couldn't answer. Zach still needed one last night to wrestle this through with God to see if his fears and/or desires were greater than God's invitation and in the morning when he woke up, he walked out into the kitchen with a new found confidence and I could see the wrestling match was over. Just knowing my son could hear the Lord's voice soooo clearly, my heart was now at peace with whatever his decision might be. And he said to me "Mom, I want to go to Haiti. Let's do it. It's more important to me to listen to God than anything else". And my heart melted into a puddle of overflowing malt-o-meal from the stove as I stood there in my pj's and bed hair, attempting to make breakfast before school and I became lost in a love encounter with God as He transformed my vision and I watched my son sitting there at my kitchen counter, eating his peanut butter toast staring back at me as a man, not a boy! A man who captured the heart of God so deep that somehow he knew at this wildly young age that following God out into the scary unknown, deep waters, listening to that whisper is always worth what we perceive to be "the cost". And I know that a very big God is waiting to show-up for my son as He polishes the gold hidden inside that young man's heart in preparation to and on the ground in Haiti, so much will birth to life that Zach never knew God had planted inside his heart and Zach will come home understanding that there never really was a cost in comparison to touch of God that radically changed him. And let's not even get started on what God's doing in & to "me"...that's a whole other novel!

[side note: just one awesome fun lil testimony of 'confirmation' we received ~ one of Zach's greatest fears leading him towards saying "no" was that he'd be the only "kid" on the trip with a bunch of old people "like me" and be stuck with all women. The day we signed up for the trip, the trip leader Becki responded to me with a quick email saying that she loved watching God orchestrate His missions ~ as Zach and I were the 4th pair of "mom & teenage son" duo's to sign up for the exact same trip!!!! Zach's face lit up like the glowing sun when I revealed the power of that one tiny detail of God's goodness and all fear was obliterated in that moment...of course...AFTER he took the leap in blind faith! Ha! Take that "fear"!!]

So here is our invitation for you to join us on this new adventure with God to Haiti. Follow us on this blog, pray for us [PLEEEEASE!], support us, walk into the heart of God with us and hopefully be gloriously ruined along side of us come November 8-15th as we venture out into the deep with the ACT Mission team!!

Much more to share in days to come! Stay tuned....

Time to RESURRECT this blog!!

We have some big news to share soon, so I just wanted to breathe a little life into these dry-bones and resurrect this blog!! A new adventure is on the horizon! STAY TUNED!!!!!

Africa missions anyone?

I just have to share this opportunity with y'all!

http://freeafricatrip.com/?fbid=yuykj5tw3b-

A FREE trip to Africa! Doesn't it make your heart skip a beat with excitement? Does mine!!

Still living!

I just wanted to put a quick post on here that I am still alive, and I know this blog still exists horribly neglected by me. God is and has been doing great things in my life that I would love nothing more than to chronicle and share in full details for and all 2 followers, if you haven't packed your bags and moved on long ago!

For now, I wanted to put an update on here that God is moving & shifting some big stuff in our lives though it's all in premature form right now so I'm not going to give testimony until the journey has time to mature into fruition and we're walking out the new path God is giving our family to embark upon.

When this testimony is given, I may start to use this blog more frequently to chronicle the new way God has chosen to reveal Himself to me and the newest chapter that is opening in my life of seeking His presence daily. Hopefully this blog will become used to a fuller degree in the months to come!

My "For the Love" Encounter

Through hell & high water, okay…more like flight cancellations & a foot of snow (which resembles the first scenario to this solo traveler) I arrived in the Smokey Mountains to embark upon a God designed photography workshop! SWEET, I totally new I was leaving this place a rockstar photographer, especially after meeting the rockstar teachers!! Hallelujah, no more flying blind behind the camera lens depending solely upon those happy accidents!

The first morning together we enjoyed some of the most powerful worship I have encountered in my time here on earth, only a handful of times have I felt the presence of the Lord that tangibly thick in a room and heavy upon my heart like a pile of Glory that could smoosh ya! I was in HEAVEN! During this worship I felt the Lord place a word on my heart that He wanted me to share with my new friends. I felt His burning heart to reach out and touch every single child of His that sat in that room; He wanted to lavish love on everyone like they had not known before and He wanted to use each one of us as His hands and feet to do it. Oh man, what an amazing vision to receive but God surely had picked the wrong wimp to release it to…because the moment I heard my Father’s heart cry, I was overcome with a fear that I have never known before; all consuming! This moment made my journey with fear prior to this trip feel like small potatoes in comparison to the lump I was now trying to swallow, did God really want me to SPEAK OUT LOUD! Oh the HORROR, even though I have done it before and obviously lived…I still couldn’t breathe from the sheer terror! [That was not in my wallflower plans, I came here to hide in the background and write millions of pages of notes on Photography!] The enemy tried to help me find every scapegoat in the book to assure me, that certainly in my introverted preference I could just stay quiet, blend in with the knotty pine and keep it simple. After all with my deaf ears that can’t truly define the Father’s voice there was no need to risk getting it all wrong and stand up to share my heart in front of 25+ people only to be a total fool. Pouring my soul out was risky and felt absurd when I assured myself the word was probably, really only for lil ole me anyway, just a friendly reminder from Him…surely no need to walk up to that microphone. So the moment passed as I rationalized myself out of the idea and later I timidly approached Ginny, the amazing leader of this workshop about the Lord putting something on my heart and she gave me permission to share whatever I felt led to. Awesome! No really, awesomely TERRIFYING because at that moment the fear quadrupled! IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE TO BE THIS SCARED OVER SOMETHING SO SIMPLE?!?

At the first teaching session I knew I earned my “money’s worth” of photo gold…I learned so much about the nuts & bolts of photography and received a huge revelation that I totally knew nothing about my camera and was using it backwards(painfully humbling to recognize this in the midst of amazingly talented photographers!). Thankfully Lauren helped our class set their camera’s to some fundamentally essential settings…and instantly I was in over my head, staring at a machine I no longer recognized and couldn’t maneuver with any sort of natural ease! Time to get to know this thing all over again! My information retaining tank hit the ‘full’ mark before this retreat barely even began. Oh goodness, this was exactly the crash course I was looking for…if only my brain would cooperate in soaking it in! {BTW: I’m internally celebrating…Donny’s going to be so excited, I’m learning SOO MUCH!} And the teaching progressed to explode my expectations! There is nothing more powerful than a teaching that contains the very testimony of God’s heart when He reveals His will for your life and you receive it, such was the spirit that oozed out of Erik’s teachings….it was in that moment that something started to stir in me, something I couldn’t put my finger on, but my spirit was right there hanging on every anointed word. Did I mention, I’m making some indescribable new friendships as each hour passes, yes I am.

By day 3 (4 worship sessions later still fearfully holding my ground not to speak) I’m noticing a really sweet presence of a spirit of His love just falling down one snowflake at a time blanketing us up on these mountains like the fresh 5 inches that literally trapped us upon that mountain top for the week. Yet a few issues still managed to fester amongst this easy, relaxed setting, I remained absolutely frozen stiff, paralyzed by fear from what the Lord released to me the first day to share and was trying my best to just ignore it and find a rational reason to do so! I was forcing all energy to be totally focused on soaking in every photography detail possible, after all that’s WHY I’M HERE, but by this time I started to see myself from the perspective of a fly on the wall watching myself fumble through the photography piece of this workshop and I’m noticing odd things here & there that I am consciously dismissing on purpose; like the fact that numerous times I walked away uninterested in a conversation people were engage in about business related facts, or if people were sharing great websites to help develop your business I happen to just peruse along my merry way uninvolved. By this time I had fully taken notice I had not expressed one iota of interest in wedding related photography (which was an underlying theme due to the majority being primarily in this business), which of course totally soaked me with another dose of fear. Though I totally aware with all subconsious and consious attention of the spiritual battle within that began the first morning and that part of my journey was keeping me really busy.

During the 3rd day I came to a point where I couldn’t hold the burden on my heart any longer and the Lord allowed me just enough courage to seek out the wisdom of Walt; Ginny’s amazing brother, who was her cohort in the incredible worship. And Walt spoke life into me, the very life I needed, the Lord released revelation, lifted veils and I started to see with different eyes; eyes not masked with fear goggles! During this awesome fellowship with Walt I came to a solid concretely conscious awareness that I was totally missing out on some stellar photography training to be abandoned in my conversation about my beloved Jesus, but I couldn’t bear to break away because I love more than anything to share & hear about Jesus and the life that was budding inside me superseded my desire to have this once in a million chance to learn hands on from real professional photographers. What on earth was happening here?

That evening during our opportunity to worship together I felt a deep desire to just be finished with this epic war of fear and all its torment. Although once we began to sing I felt it come on me literally like a cold breeze, it started to cripple me from the toes up, I literally started losing feeling in my legs. A few times I tried to move my feet with no success to bring myself to that petrifying microphone and speak. I held my bible open to Isaiah 61:3, the promise, my promise, our promise, His promise…I clenched that thing tight like a child clinging to her papa’s leg in terror. Then a moment arose where Ginny said the beginning phrase of the same word I was holding in my heart, proclaiming the Lord wanted us to pray for each other and in that moment a Holy courage arose over me I knew it was time to move now or forever regret this missed opportunity to share what’s on my heart and my legs walked ME right up to that microphone by their very own selves…and I did as I always do in front of “big” crowds [I know, it was 20 some people get over it right…well it looked like 20 thousand through my eyes!]. I stood there shaking like a leaf, nudging up to that horrifying microphone, speaking through my terror and I bawled. Yep, bawled like a little baby. I absolutely just hate that I can’t speak without the bawling part…weird, but to you be the blubbering glory Lord, every tear & snot stream, it’s all for you God, glamorous I know.

So I did it ~ faced the fear and I shared my heart, the most vulnerable place I could go, sharing the greatest fundamental, long-lasting river of life-giving revelation the Lord has sewn into me through Isaiah 61…I bared my soul in just a few short sentences, and the moment I opened my mouth it poured outta me, all of it, every word just came fumbling out through my trembling lips, through my sniffing clogged nasal passages I finally learned to embrace my weakness as a blubbering mess with no speaking skills because I knew this risk was worth it. In this moment I had an encounter with Jesus, suddenly I focused my attention all upon Him, [so I hope in retrospect that what was coming out of my mouth actually made sense because it was not coming from my ‘working’ brain], I was struck in awe by the presence of my Father sweeping over this place with His indescribably beautiful, intentional, personalized, overwhelming love only He can lavish. I watched something awesome occur as I had that fly on the wall perspective once again for just a moment, I saw the hands & feet of Jesus Christ began to move and we loved on one another in prayer and support and tears and hugs in every single way Jesus would die on a cross to have the chance to do to us Himself. And I seen orphan spirits become adopted sons & daughters. And I feel so deeply that we grew into His family in that moment, no longer photographers or new friends or fellow Christians…we were one thing in unison; His children receiving His love as part of His family, chosen by Him = adopted. Oh how this encounter just overflows my spirit with the purpose that I’ve been designed to fill! It was phenomenal, there was a substantial change in the spiritual atmosphere, freedom was released because where the Spirit is there is always freedom. The presence of a greater love stayed and never left this place. Not like any of my other experiences in this type of an encounter with God’s spiritual presence…It didn’t stop when worship was over, it didn’t fade as teachings began, it didn’t subside when the schedule became busy, it didn’t dissipate when obstacles arose, it didn’t grow distant through the [short] night hours…it stayed, in tangible form, love remained, LOVE REMAINED and we just abided in that love and He did all the work in us and through us, changing lives.

As my gracious God longs to do…he gave me one more encounter before I could truly, fully embrace the revelation that I came to while seeking His face at this workshop. Our 4th day together, I found myself wandering into the kitchen like a stray cat, letting my three new southern mama’s love on me and I began to share my spiritual journey with them. We shared about our mutual love for Jesus and I was lost in this soul-fulfilling joy, a mother’s heart lavishing support and encouragement upon me, cheering for my ever-hungry chase after that beautiful Jesus and ensuring me to keep running toward Him. I had the divine privilege to dote over my love for Africa, my beloved Best Family and the orphans that have forever changed my life…and everything else faded into the nonexistent background…even the fact that the whole crew was outside learning all sorts of super important camera lighting tricks (one of the primary lessons I came to learn here) and I was engaged in sharing my love for Jesus, yet again…missing out on some much needed teaching and I couldn’t tear myself away from Him. And so I knew, in my heart that He had shown me what I came desiring to discover, but it was not the answer I had imagined I’d receive. In all honesty actually what I had realized more-so was what photography shoe did “not” fit and there was still a little gray area left for the photography unknown because I was too scared to embrace the real answer He had given me.

So the final night arrived and people are sharing some absolutely amazing stories about what the Lord has done in their life over the course of one week and my spirit is buzzing with fire from the power of their testimony. Personally, I felt like I was pretty sure I knew what route to go when I came home, I certainly knew what I was NOT going to do, but felt like there was more yet to discern, stones unturned, things left to seek. When the sharing started to taper off, I suddenly felt this urge to share what God had revealed to me, yet I totally DID NOT WANT TO…and so I blurted out my spiritual breakthrough that occurred on the journey Jesus led me through to face my fear and speak out in front of all them and I was planning on ending the testimony right there when suddenly I rambled out without my consent the confession that while at this For the Love workshop I learned I’m NOT a professional photographer! And once I spoke those words, I felt an immense, giddy, child-like joy flood me…I was free and I laughed, it was hilarious and funny and oh so ironic to me to have to spend so much money to realize what I’m NOT even though I possibly new before I arrived?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! {BTW: boy was Donny NOT GOING TO LOVE THIS when I came home}….but I knew, cuz I knew, cuz I knew that I was made to fill a different role in this life than professional photographer and I was so free from finally receiving the fullness of that discernment journey.

So I asked the Lord, WHAT ON EARTH AM I DOING HERE, I TRULY BELIEVE YOU CALLED ME HERE? I just couldn’t believe I mistakenly chased God through all these obstacles to get to the Smoky Mountains and learn this hard earned truth…I mean seriously, He could’ve just let my camera slip off the counter and break into pieces and we would’ve achieved the same goal of “non photographer” for less time & money! And when I asked He showed His face to me and I knew this was a spiritual journey for me, this was entirely about me learning how to follow Him. This was my journey to fine tune His voice. This was my journey of blind faith. This was my chance to grow in obedience. This was my journey to conquer fear. This was my journey to spiritual freedom. This was me walking into my destiny. This was a missionary assignment for me to seek Him and release Him, to be a divine appointment for someone as so many of them were for me.

After all that I finally knew what Photography means to me; it’s part of my secret place, the place where Jesus shows His face to me and it’s simply one way He loves on me like a father & daughter playing hide & seek. I pick up the camera and I seek to see the ordinary through His eyes and momentarily capture something extraordinary and I realized that when I photograph nature and small children that is exactly what happens, joy consumes me, He loves on me with quick glimpses through His lens to capture beauty in something that I had never seen before…right there, this passion, hiding in plain sight, on the back burner…was really a journey about Him revealing more His love for me and me seeking to find it. So photography is my hobby and I’m a hobbyist photographer (which I just learned today existed as a title, so I took it!! YAY!)…and I am free to be just that.

Surely the story doesn't end here, happily ever after and warm fuzzies...

And so you all are wondering WHAT ABOUT DONNY? Well, he did not die of cardiac arrest, nor did he go into monetary, wallet-distressing shock. A great piece of wisdom was released to me once I knew I had to go home to “face the giant” and confess my really expensive non-photography producing excursion to Tennessee before my husband and live to tell about it. Here’s the wisdom given to me “How much Grace does your Father have?”……oh man, GRACE…that gift of grace ~ the grace that I tell everyone else about, oh yeah…THAT GRACE, oh silly Maria haven't you even been praying for months toknow how to live in a greater GRACE…so um, OUCH was this an answer to my prayer? Good Lawd girl watch what you pray for! So I guess now was as good of time as any to put my money(or lack thereof) where my mouth was and that is all I had to go home on…grace (and of course that uber expensive camera strapped to my back).

On my drive home from the airport, I spent an amazing 3 hours in my car being loved on by Jesus. His love remained. He downloaded all sorts of gems that would take a novel to share with you all about what this trip really meant for me, so many facets and avenues and so much was planted and birthed in me through this journey to the mountains. So much revelation that I thought my head might explode trying to receive it all. But I think one of the greatest gems He shared with me as I cried out every single mile home from Minneapolis “Lord, HOW DO I EVEN BEGIN TO TELL DONNY THE ‘BAD’ NEWS?” He answered “You tell him, photography is His hobby too, and it’s my gift to the both of you.”….and I bawled big ole happy crocodile tears of immense joy, OMG, it sooo was OURS, together, to SHARE, OURS ~ the first thing since we’ve married (besides our beautiful boys) to share ONE passion for. All this time Donny’s excitement was not FOR ME, it was his very OWN EXCITEMENT bubbling up through my opportunity. So by the time I arrived home I was nearly giddy to tell him I had wasted all our money, left him for a week to come home with no business to pursue but we had a dandy of a hobby on our hands! Now that is SOME GRACE my friends (especially if you know my hubby, my marriage+money and/or my consuming fear!). Divinely, The Lord beat me home though as He has promised in His word to go before us and also be our rear guard. So I began with a plan to soften his hard heart by sharing Erik’s amazing God-destined photography testimony…and before I even finished sharing the story my husband blurts out the very words jumbling around in my brain….”so what did you discover Maria, that you love nature photography?”........and the joy burst right through the seams of my heart! I shouted YES! WHEW! And I knew there was only seconds to diffuse the 2nd bomb I was sure to erupt with my magical revelation of it being Donny’s hobby too, BUT grace got in the way and…Donny blurted right out in response “I sooo love nature photography too”! And I shouted out in shock OH YES YOU DO(and of course segued into my groovy revelation…thus giving a concrete need for having 2 cameras…which surely validates the uber expensive one we just bought, right?!)!

And I seen right there before my very eyes…the birth of something beautiful ~ Jesus, showing up with the missing tools to help us move our marriage from the sand to the rock ~ through His beautiful gift of nature photography as ONE hobby, He gave it to us ~ His promise in some tangible form beginning to blossom…an invitation to seek & find Him alongside one another together peering through the lens of a camera. And that is what Photography means to me!

PHO⋅TOG⋅RA⋅PHY: The art, practice, or occupation of taking and printing photographs.

I find myself asking questions of myself these recent days, like what is photography, sure it’s the art or process of producing images of objects on photosensitive surfaces, but what is it to ME?

When the Lord first began to awaken my heart to notice I probably qualify for the ‘beyond average’ category in the obsessive photo-snapping department I like to label as “a hobby”; I finally realized maybe there could be something more to this photography thing than hobby status and it might not be so normal to only recognize my children through a viewfinder with crosshairs (of a camera my friends, not the scope of a gun…although there are days!! ha!). For the past 2 years I’ve been pondering this in my leisure time, stalking my children all the while and reminiscing on all the ways my love of pictures has surfaced through my life.

I guess I’ve come to realize over the past months it’s always been there, this passion, in plain sight yet hiding on the back burner where I kept it nicely brewing on luke warm, never paying much attention. Momentarily I moved this pot to the front burner in 2007 and tried to pursue professional schooling but it was just not in the cards so I comfortably placed this pot of dreams back on the burner it belonged! As of recent months thanks to a gradual progression in my job description it was as if beyond my control this pot jumped burners and my passion began to bubble up and boil over in my professional and personal world! I started to take notice doors were opening out of the clear blue and so it required I give this hobby some real attention! [quick sidenote:] Most of you know that when I gave my life to the Lord a few years ago, I left my personal agenda behind when I met Jesus (or at least that is my hope). I threw away my “check list” and traded all my plans for His will and it’s been an absolute thrilling ride alongside my savior every single day, growing in Him fulfills me deeper than anything I’ve ever known before and it’s simply ALL I desire. So when photography started to bubble up to the surface, I felt reservation in pursuing anything without the favor of my Father shining through ~ guiding, speaking & leading and photography has never been on my spiritual/ministry radar, so I took caution because I certainly did not want this hobby to distract me from serving my Lord whole heartedly. I actually wrestled quite intensely this fall & winter strongly trying to discern if this was His will or my hobby on steroids? What I knew without doubt, is I did not need one more thing to keep me BUSY, I was already needing 30 hours in a day to keep up with life! Certainly I did not want to fall into a ‘busy’ trap set by the enemy! BUT, if this was FOR JESUS, I’d run wildly into the unknown and jump head first! SO, which one is it?!? And what about that radical awakening in Africa to my divine design as a missionary? Let that go and pursue this? Could these two worlds intersect? How on earth do I decide! In this process of turbulent discernment, crying out to hear from the Lord I inadvertently (aka divinely) landed on this too-good-to-be-true website called “For the Love” and you guessed it = it was a workshop about photography + Jesus…get out of town, could this even be true?! Lord, You had me at "Let's get away from the crowds for a while and rest." (Mark 6:31)… I’m in!! So now what do we do about all that money involved? I tossed & turned even more trying to decide if I fit the criteria to attend and how I could make it happen, it felt as though it were financially impossible, especially when talking about a consensual husband in the deal.

I know without doubt the Lord gave me just enough signs to blindly take a leap and chase this photography dream to Tennessee for a week and so I did (scared out of my wits). The Lord even blessed me with a willing & supportive husband to pursue this avenue as to which I still remain in shock & awe that piece of the puzzle fit together in harmony for the 1st time in our married lives = one of us pursuing something with the other one’s full support; no dragging, kicking, whining, crying or death threats required! So I threw out all reasoning and figured this just plain ole had to be JESUS, by the evidence of that miracle alone!

In taking the bait to chase this photography dream I set my missionary dreams aside believing that if I pursue something I do it with all my heart, so I thought for certain it was one or the other, I let go of them orphan babies who haunt my dreams and decided my husband’s support and our unity in marriage was probably where the Lord’s will would lie most prominently for me in this season of life. So I grabbed the photography baton and took off running, for all of two weeks, then the Lord snuck up on me out of the clear blue during a January weekend adventure in Arizona and ravished my heart when He surprised the dickens out of me and called me out of the crowd as a missionary AGAIN! And I unraveled like a ball of yarn, turned back into an indecisive mess of mixed emotion, drowning in my uncertainty. Except now it was TOO LATE, tickets were purchased, reservations made and many, many dollars sewed into this photography journey, oh how the horror of failure consumed me every single palpitating heartbeat. February 8th started to look more like a day of reckoning than a retreat! The enemy had me certainly convinced this big of a failure would be the apocalyptic end of my marriage. For weeks I had the deepest internal war raging inside; feeling as though my heart was restored to my missionary destiny[which paralyzes my husband with fear] I couldn’t bear to face Donny and share that I had doubts about this photography journey[now that it was too late to do anything about it], especially when I seen the glimmer of joy in his eyes about all things photography. His excitement for me was unexpected and too precious, something rarely shared in our relationship so I masked the fear in attempts to hang onto his support, even if it was all a facade I longed to be in this harmonious place in our relationship where he accepted and enjoyed the journey I was on in life! I kept holding onto the chance that maybe this was simply an avenue the Lord might use to season me even more for missionary life. Photographer while I wait, but ultimately missionary, I gotcha Lord, this is just a lil busy work between you & me, wink, wink! I was convincing myself maybe, just maybe photography and missions were meant to be together, at least that was the basis of many of my prayers and the place I tried to rest while I clung to an ounce of strength to live by faith. In all my waging wars of fear and indecision I kept returning to the fact that I heard my Father’s voice calling me to this photography workshop, with His confirmation a time or two and I had to proceed on that alone UNTIL He shows more of Himself. It was the only calm in the storms that raged inside my heart but it was those moments of soothing comfort that helped me brave the stormy seas of “second guessing” up until the moment I boarded the plane to Tennessee. [and because that was the only choice after configuring every possible option to back out of this workshop and receive a refund but coming up short with no logical, honest plan to do so.] So I boarded the plane, uber expensive camera strapped to my back with the belief that I would come home as a full-fledge pro photographer just as I had promised my husband and soon I’d recoup all that money we’ve sewed into this latest “Maria adventure”…

So what happened in Tennesee at For the Love photographers workshop? God showed up...

and you'll have to stay tuned to hear what happened! ...to be continued...