Still Here (edited)

I have NOT forgotten about this blog, but I've been focusing lately on my overwhelming busy schedule ~ or more-so letting "the schedule" overtake me so this detail has taken a back seat.

Admittedly, I've also been "stuck" in a period of "desert times" walking with the Lord so I have been focusing on [surviving] that journey as well without much to share of His workings, miracles and hand on my life ~ which is the essence of this blog's purpose to glorify my amazing God. This has been a time of a lot of personal reflection and some rough, necessary ups & downs on my emotional spiritual journey ~ the battlefield of the mind sometimes becomes an all out war! When I "make the time" to come here to reflect openly on the journey of these past few months I will certainly share all the ways my choices have affected my life and how even when I decided to become "too busy for God" the Lord has drowned me in His grace and continued to love me unconditionally even when I didn't deserve it! And most certainly when I pass through this phase in full I will see with clarity how He was with me on the journey and truly His workings, miracles and almighty Hand was on my life all along!

In the meantime, I pray the Lord shows His face to each of you and His grace truly floods your heart sweeping it clean of all the dirt that never needed to settle there!

Edited to add: Shortly after this post I read these words below and they soooo spoke to my heart and where I'm at as I emerge from the desert!

"This is the truth of the gospel: no matter how sordid your life has been, no matter how many sins have been, they are small compared to the grace of Christ. Jesus, the eternal son of God, became a man, and He offered himself on the cross through the eternal Spirit, to become a sacrifice of infinite value for your salvation. He can make you a new person just as easily as He brought the entire universe into existence by speaking."
~Walter Marshall, The Gospel Mystery of Sanctification

AMEN AND THANK GOD!

The Lord truly reminded me of his bottomless depths of drowning glory called GRACE (that I too live in) in the DVD teaching by Louie Giglio titled "Fruitcake and Ice Cream" if EVER you wanted to hear some beautiful words and testimony of God's IMMENSE grace seek this DVD!!

But friends, that's exactly who we are: children of God. And that's only the beginning. Who knows how we'll end up[or in my case how often we'll trip & fall]! What we know is that when Christ is openly revealed, we'll see him—and in seeing him, become like him. All of us who look forward to his coming stay ready, with the glistening purity of Jesus' life as a model for our own. ~ 1 John 3:2-3 (msg)

Memories.

Join with me in lifting up Rwanda as April 6th marked the beginning of their 15th year anniversary of surviving genocide. 15 years may seem long to some of you, but I assure you behind the eyes of an orphaned 9yr old child who witnessed terror unspeakable to your imagination, 15 years, 50 years or 15 seconds....when April 6th arrives so does the pain, memories, nightmares, heartache and mourning with vivid intensity. I sometimes wonder how long it would take me to mourn 1 million tragic deaths of my fellow brothers, sisters, parents, grandparents, neighbors, friends, teachers, pastors and so on... a lifetime at the least.

This is a photo Jean Claude sent to me in January, a typical lunch scene for him with friends.

A beautiful story that is not mine to tell of a boy rising from the ashes to shine like a diamond is my precious "old son" Jean Claude of the Best Family in Rwanda. Today I meditate on his email which is filled with so much pain of the past yet somehow I receive his words with a heart of hope for a future, for he can not see the works the Lord is doing through his life...but I surely can. It has been 2 weeks since I have exchanged emails with Jean Claude, I normally receive at least 2 emails per week, lots of prayer-filled emails. I in turn did not send any his way as I was "stuck" in prayer over my last conversation with him, trying to discern the solution for the children who are without means for schooling in our Best Family, lingering and focussing on a financial hurdle which feels like a lose-lose burden at the moment.

Although I don't believe in irony, I'm going to say it is most ironic that I have pondered these past 2 weeks what is my "purpose" with the Best Family ~ as in long term. I feel "benched" from the missions field as of late thinking it's not my reality that I will be traveling to see these sweet faces in any sort of near future, so the hope of being a tangible, physical presence in their life is whithering for me. I wondered in the quietness of my heart, not even truly praying, just pondering...Lord, what is my purpose in their lives, do you need me to stand in the gap for financial purposes or what can I truly offer these orphans "from a far" on a long term basis, will this relationship drift off or remain closely connected since our visit 9 long months ago? What is mine to do for these precious children?!? You know, I had some seed of doubt trying to take root in my heart and thank goodness the Lord seen this and knew He should, step in to guide me and graciously reassure me of my need.

So Jean Claude sent me an email yesterday and seeking to know "where have I been, why is there not any emails from me, his 'mum' that he needs?" He explained with many unnecessary apologies that he has been without internet access for these two weeks and that is why he did not email me. His absence was commissioned by the RPF (Gov't party) for him and his college classmates to go out to the villages deep into the southern & northern provinces to teach peace to the people preparing for another season of darkness as this genocide anniversary was approaching. He spent these two weeks promoting the Lord desires for Rwandan people, love, forgiveness and anti-genocide ideology to prevent and dissuade an angry uprising among the people who still live in bondage to the horror they have witness and the pain that has consumed them for 1 1/2 decades. He went to serve the Lord as his peacemaker. Then he made his way to the dearest "older" children of the Best Family who are surviving orphans of this genocide to be with them in this time of their deepest emotional need. He is finally back at school and he came seeking his email to be greeted by me, but there was nothing there to greet him from me. I had lost sight on what was most important, my response emails.

After he has attended all the needs of others, he reaches out to me wearing his hurting heart on his sleeve crying out to me "where are you mum?" and I received from the Lord with a crystal clear direct line drowning in conviction...this is my need. Jean Claude begs of me "am I still under your love, prayers, affection, compassion and family? I wish for this to be FOREVER." He goes on to apologize at the shortness of his email, not hearing from me in so long he wasn't sure if he should write. He closes his message to me saying "I must go now, I am not fine in my heart, I am crying real tears as I remember my genocide testimony (which he has shared with me)."

Oh Lord, I buckle at the knees to think where my heart was wandering and why I ever let doubt find a place to put cracks in the seams you've sewn. I know my need and I realize only through YOU JESUS is it possible to love 50+ children an ocean away simply through email. But that is exactly what you're doing...so I poured my heart out to my hurting "old child" with all the love, prayers, affection, compassion and family support I could in every single sentence the Lord graced my mind to muster. Jean Claude once shared with me the importance of my role as a mom to him, because at the age of 9yrs old when his father and sister were murdered in the genocide, his mother took Jean Claude no longer as her son, but as her husband, caretaker and family provider. At 9yrs old a man was forced to be born from the ashes of this genocide and so he has clung tightly to his father's dying wish to fill his shoes, become a man of God, live forgiveness and peace and in doing so he has been polished into a powerfully anointed servant of the Lord who shines like an irreplaceable diamond, yet the need for a mother's love never leaves his soul's deepest desire for I am sent to love that broken 9yr old boy's heart.

Thank you Lord that you've chosen me to receive this gift. For it is in giving that we receive ~ so I give my mother's heart to the orphans of the Best Family and I receive more love than my heart can hold.

The Best Family Children in their "Sunday's Best" celebrating Christmas back in December.

Focus on Fasting

Fasting from Anger and Unforgiveness

(GULP!) I'm ready ~ you?

Reflection ?'s:
~If I fast from anger what can I replace it with? (I'm praying for snickers! hee hee)

~Why is forgiveness so difficult for me?

~What connection is there between my anger and my being unwilling to forgive?

Scripture: John 12:24
"Unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains just a grain of wheat; but if it dies, it produces much fruit."

Wow, how I LOVE these words!

~ Can you recall a time in your life when this passage was a reflection of what was happening for you? "I can answer this in one word (although it has a deep definition, including many chapters) = infertility"

~ Can you name the "fruit" that was produced from this experience? "Fruit so sweet I can barely stand to share it = Zachary & Boston."

THANK YOU Jesus!

Trusting for Trey

Join with me in trusting our Lord through the petitioning prayers of His faithful people that Trey will receive the breakthrough he so needs from our gracious, giving, loving, almighty God.

Go here to read all about Trey's journey through this uncertain life that he has battled so fiercely to be a part of here on earth:

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/trey13

For those of you who are not familiar with caringbridge, click on "my story" to read all about the trials & tribulations this sweet angel has faced in his 5 short years.

So I call out to all of you whom read this blog, join me in the greatest gift we could give this child ~ our prayers. The power of prayer continues to blow my small mind daily and so oddly, I tell you beside the ache, pain, saddness and fear that fills my heart for Trey and his family I find an equal amount of rest Trusting (in Him) for Trey. Our God of the IMPOSSIBLE is awaiting us to call on Him for this family, let's not let this little boy down and gift him our prayers.

Loving Father,

I come to You with heaviness of a burdened heart. A heart that can not fathom the terror of living in an unknown realm of darkness, loving a boy who lives in hostage to seizures. God You have softened my heart to such a serious and terrifying encounter and so I cry out to You with all I have to reach down and touch Your precious Trey with Your Almighty healing hand. Lord, I trust that Your ways are not our own ways ~ help us to know Your peace when we can not see through the storm, help us to fix our eyes upon YOU. I know You will open doors for this child and supernaturally supply the funds necessary for him to complete the journey You have set forth for his life. I call on You to fulfill Your promises in Isaiah 58: Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard. God these are beautiful words from You to rest in and know that You have a plan to prosper Trey, and You will pass through the waters along side him. I give my heart in prayer to You Lord and I'm trusting for Trey that all we need is found in Your faithful promises: Matthew 7: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.

~ Trusting for Trey with all my heart, your daughter always,

Maria

Are you ready?...

For this challenge ~ Focus on Fasting for this week:

Fasting from Gossip!

I LOVE THIS ONE!!! What's even more "maria style"[as in better WAY LATE than never] is I've finally decided to include more to this challenge, questions to ponder & scripture to note that is also a part of this weekly board display ~ I know the Sisters won't mind if I spread their genius ideas on through my blog.

The scripture that is referenced in coordination with this week's super awesome challenge is:

"Whoever lives the truth comes to the light, so that his/her works may be clearly seen as done by God." John 3:21

Questions for reflection:

-Who becomes the focus of attention when gossip is passed on?

-Who/What becomes the victim when I gossip?

-How can I transform the energy I experience when I gossip about another into energy for praise & gratitude? (HELLO ~ AWESOME!)

Focus on Fasting

Here's the posted FSLF "dare" for this week, ya ready:

Fasting from Judgement!

OOOH, I like this one! It's one I work on pretty much non-stop since reading Bait of Satan by John Bevere! It's actually an inner challenge I REALLY LOVE! Who's in it with me?

BTW: How did ya do last week? I'll be the first to admit I had some failures..okay, ya got me...a lot...but I did seem to recognize just about every time I complained ~ right after I just finished complaining ~ eek! Work in progress, work in progress [that's my inner motivational speaker trying to encourage my self-esteem to keep trying even though I'm apparently a big ole complainer!] ha!

My favorite prayer

I offer my life
I offer my life to you Jesus Christ

for you to live in me and through me
Here is my face – shine from it
Here are my ears – hear the cry of hurting persons through them
Here are my eyes – see the faces of those who need your blessing and bless them with the healing look that radiates from you my Lord, through my eyes
Here is my tongue – speak through it, speak words of encouragement and
affirmation
Here o Lord are my hands – use them to touch, stroke, hold, lift
and steady another human being.
Here o Lord are my feet – walk where you want me to go.
And may those who follow me, be following Jesus Christ.
Amen

Posted on the wall of a beautiful place in Rwanda was this prayer that shattered me to the core, hit my heart in places I never knew I had. I think the effect of reading this prayer while standing next to Rwandan women who have been survivors all their lives, from genocide ~ to prostitution ~ to homelessness ~ to single mother ~ to AIDS victim ~ each story is unique and devastating more often than not...but they are linked by always knowing they are beautiful daughters of Jesus Christ, offering themselves and their lives at any cost. Standing in the presence of such greatness, knowing simply "life" in itself has truly cost these women ALL they've had to give humbles me and that is why this prayer takes me to that place where emotions burst over the levy's in my heart and force me just to be vulnerable, surrendering to the awe-inspiring love God has for each of His children and soak in the inspiration these words and these Rwandan lives bring to me. This is by far my favorite prayer of all time! Not only do I long to pray these words, I long to live this prayer!