This is a photo Jean Claude sent to me in January, a typical lunch scene for him with friends. A beautiful story that is not mine to tell of a boy rising from the ashes to shine like a diamond is my precious "old son" Jean Claude of the Best Family in Rwanda. Today I meditate on his email which is filled with so much pain of the past yet somehow I receive his words with a heart of hope for a future, for he can not see the works the Lord is doing through his life...but I surely can. It has been 2 weeks since I have exchanged emails with Jean Claude, I normally receive at least 2 emails per week, lots of prayer-filled emails. I in turn did not send any his way as I was "stuck" in prayer over my last conversation with him, trying to discern the solution for the children who are without means for schooling in our Best Family, lingering and focussing on a financial hurdle which feels like a lose-lose burden at the moment.
Although I don't believe in irony, I'm going to say it is most ironic that I have pondered these past 2 weeks what is my "purpose" with the Best Family ~ as in long term. I feel "benched" from the missions field as of late thinking it's not my reality that I will be traveling to see these sweet faces in any sort of near future, so the hope of being a tangible, physical presence in their life is whithering for me. I wondered in the quietness of my heart, not even truly praying, just pondering...Lord, what is my purpose in their lives, do you need me to stand in the gap for financial purposes or what can I truly offer these orphans "from a far" on a long term basis, will this relationship drift off or remain closely connected since our visit 9 long months ago? What is mine to do for these precious children?!? You know, I had some seed of doubt trying to take root in my heart and thank goodness the Lord seen this and knew He should, step in to guide me and graciously reassure me of my need.
So Jean Claude sent me an email yesterday and seeking to know "where have I been, why is there not any emails from me, his 'mum' that he needs?" He explained with many unnecessary apologies that he has been without internet access for these two weeks and that is why he did not email me. His absence was commissioned by the RPF (Gov't party) for him and his college classmates to go out to the villages deep into the southern & northern provinces to teach peace to the people preparing for another season of darkness as this genocide anniversary was approaching. He spent these two weeks promoting the Lord desires for Rwandan people, love, forgiveness and anti-genocide ideology to prevent and dissuade an angry uprising among the people who still live in bondage to the horror they have witness and the pain that has consumed them for 1 1/2 decades. He went to serve the Lord as his peacemaker. Then he made his way to the dearest "older" children of the Best Family who are surviving orphans of this genocide to be with them in this time of their deepest emotional need. He is finally back at school and he came seeking his email to be greeted by me, but there was nothing there to greet him from me. I had lost sight on what was most important, my response emails.
After he has attended all the needs of others, he reaches out to me wearing his hurting heart on his sleeve crying out to me "where are you mum?" and I received from the Lord with a crystal clear direct line drowning in conviction...this is my need. Jean Claude begs of me "am I still under your love, prayers, affection, compassion and family? I wish for this to be FOREVER." He goes on to apologize at the shortness of his email, not hearing from me in so long he wasn't sure if he should write. He closes his message to me saying "I must go now, I am not fine in my heart, I am crying real tears as I remember my genocide testimony (which he has shared with me)."
Oh Lord, I buckle at the knees to think where my heart was wandering and why I ever let doubt find a place to put cracks in the seams you've sewn. I know my need and I realize only through YOU JESUS is it possible to love 50+ children an ocean away simply through email. But that is exactly what you're doing...so I poured my heart out to my hurting "old child" with all the love, prayers, affection, compassion and family support I could in every single sentence the Lord graced my mind to muster. Jean Claude once shared with me the importance of my role as a mom to him, because at the age of 9yrs old when his father and sister were murdered in the genocide, his mother took Jean Claude no longer as her son, but as her husband, caretaker and family provider. At 9yrs old a man was forced to be born from the ashes of this genocide and so he has clung tightly to his father's dying wish to fill his shoes, become a man of God, live forgiveness and peace and in doing so he has been polished into a powerfully anointed servant of the Lord who shines like an irreplaceable diamond, yet the need for a mother's love never leaves his soul's deepest desire for I am sent to love that broken 9yr old boy's heart.
Thank you Lord that you've chosen me to receive this gift. For it is in giving that we receive ~ so I give my mother's heart to the orphans of the Best Family and I receive more love than my heart can hold.
The Best Family Children in their "Sunday's Best" celebrating Christmas back in December.
