I find myself asking questions of myself these recent days, like what is photography, sure it’s the art or process of producing images of objects on photosensitive surfaces, but what is it to ME?
When the Lord first began to awaken my heart to notice I probably qualify for the ‘beyond average’ category in the obsessive photo-snapping department I like to label as “a hobby”; I finally realized maybe there could be something more to this photography thing than hobby status and it might not be so normal to only recognize my children through a viewfinder with crosshairs (of a camera my friends, not the scope of a gun…although there are days!! ha!). For the past 2 years I’ve been pondering this in my leisure time, stalking my children all the while and reminiscing on all the ways my love of pictures has surfaced through my life.
I guess I’ve come to realize over the past months it’s always been there, this passion, in plain sight yet hiding on the back burner where I kept it nicely brewing on luke warm, never paying much attention. Momentarily I moved this pot to the front burner in 2007 and tried to pursue professional schooling but it was just not in the cards so I comfortably placed this pot of dreams back on the burner it belonged! As of recent months thanks to a gradual progression in my job description it was as if beyond my control this pot jumped burners and my passion began to bubble up and boil over in my professional and personal world! I started to take notice doors were opening out of the clear blue and so it required I give this hobby some real attention! [quick sidenote:] Most of you know that when I gave my life to the Lord a few years ago, I left my personal agenda behind when I met Jesus (or at least that is my hope). I threw away my “check list” and traded all my plans for His will and it’s been an absolute thrilling ride alongside my savior every single day, growing in Him fulfills me deeper than anything I’ve ever known before and it’s simply ALL I desire. So when photography started to bubble up to the surface, I felt reservation in pursuing anything without the favor of my Father shining through ~ guiding, speaking & leading and photography has never been on my spiritual/ministry radar, so I took caution because I certainly did not want this hobby to distract me from serving my Lord whole heartedly. I actually wrestled quite intensely this fall & winter strongly trying to discern if this was His will or my hobby on steroids? What I knew without doubt, is I did not need one more thing to keep me BUSY, I was already needing 30 hours in a day to keep up with life! Certainly I did not want to fall into a ‘busy’ trap set by the enemy! BUT, if this was FOR JESUS, I’d run wildly into the unknown and jump head first! SO, which one is it?!? And what about that radical awakening in Africa to my divine design as a missionary? Let that go and pursue this? Could these two worlds intersect? How on earth do I decide! In this process of turbulent discernment, crying out to hear from the Lord I inadvertently (aka divinely) landed on this too-good-to-be-true website called “For the Love” and you guessed it = it was a workshop about photography + Jesus…get out of town, could this even be true?! Lord, You had me at "Let's get away from the crowds for a while and rest." (Mark 6:31)… I’m in!! So now what do we do about all that money involved? I tossed & turned even more trying to decide if I fit the criteria to attend and how I could make it happen, it felt as though it were financially impossible, especially when talking about a consensual husband in the deal.
I know without doubt the Lord gave me just enough signs to blindly take a leap and chase this photography dream to Tennessee for a week and so I did (scared out of my wits). The Lord even blessed me with a willing & supportive husband to pursue this avenue as to which I still remain in shock & awe that piece of the puzzle fit together in harmony for the 1st time in our married lives = one of us pursuing something with the other one’s full support; no dragging, kicking, whining, crying or death threats required! So I threw out all reasoning and figured this just plain ole had to be JESUS, by the evidence of that miracle alone!
In taking the bait to chase this photography dream I set my missionary dreams aside believing that if I pursue something I do it with all my heart, so I thought for certain it was one or the other, I let go of them orphan babies who haunt my dreams and decided my husband’s support and our unity in marriage was probably where the Lord’s will would lie most prominently for me in this season of life. So I grabbed the photography baton and took off running, for all of two weeks, then the Lord snuck up on me out of the clear blue during a January weekend adventure in Arizona and ravished my heart when He surprised the dickens out of me and called me out of the crowd as a missionary AGAIN! And I unraveled like a ball of yarn, turned back into an indecisive mess of mixed emotion, drowning in my uncertainty. Except now it was TOO LATE, tickets were purchased, reservations made and many, many dollars sewed into this photography journey, oh how the horror of failure consumed me every single palpitating heartbeat. February 8th started to look more like a day of reckoning than a retreat! The enemy had me certainly convinced this big of a failure would be the apocalyptic end of my marriage. For weeks I had the deepest internal war raging inside; feeling as though my heart was restored to my missionary destiny[which paralyzes my husband with fear] I couldn’t bear to face Donny and share that I had doubts about this photography journey[now that it was too late to do anything about it], especially when I seen the glimmer of joy in his eyes about all things photography. His excitement for me was unexpected and too precious, something rarely shared in our relationship so I masked the fear in attempts to hang onto his support, even if it was all a facade I longed to be in this harmonious place in our relationship where he accepted and enjoyed the journey I was on in life! I kept holding onto the chance that maybe this was simply an avenue the Lord might use to season me even more for missionary life. Photographer while I wait, but ultimately missionary, I gotcha Lord, this is just a lil busy work between you & me, wink, wink! I was convincing myself maybe, just maybe photography and missions were meant to be together, at least that was the basis of many of my prayers and the place I tried to rest while I clung to an ounce of strength to live by faith. In all my waging wars of fear and indecision I kept returning to the fact that I heard my Father’s voice calling me to this photography workshop, with His confirmation a time or two and I had to proceed on that alone UNTIL He shows more of Himself. It was the only calm in the storms that raged inside my heart but it was those moments of soothing comfort that helped me brave the stormy seas of “second guessing” up until the moment I boarded the plane to Tennessee. [and because that was the only choice after configuring every possible option to back out of this workshop and receive a refund but coming up short with no logical, honest plan to do so.] So I boarded the plane, uber expensive camera strapped to my back with the belief that I would come home as a full-fledge pro photographer just as I had promised my husband and soon I’d recoup all that money we’ve sewed into this latest “Maria adventure”…
So what happened in Tennesee at For the Love photographers workshop? God showed up...
and you'll have to stay tuned to hear what happened! ...to be continued...
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