We are a little over half-way funded with 14 days left to come up with the remainder of the fees! FOURTEEN DAYS...I'm not going to lie, when I say this out loud, look at the calendar and even type it, the wind deflates from my lungs and I hear dramatic scary-music beating in the back of my mind knowing that we planned, developed & exhausted our brains for months for the ideas we fundraised with over the past 2+ months to come up with nearly the same amount that is due in 2 short weeks. I have sold everything I could on the garage sale except for my husband! LOL! I am straight-up, out of magic tricks and fundraising ideas. BUT, God has a plan....the control freak in me would really love to know that plan too, but for now I must learn to trust Him even more. So now is the time I fix my gaze upon the eyes of Jesus [some days whimpering like a scaredy baby] and not look even for a moment at this raging storm all around me, or I'll sink to the bottom of the sea!
In an attempt to maintain transparency, I'll just share a day in the life of this stay at home mom ~ pass me the wipes and a diaper and have a seat on the dirty floor, amongst the chaos and in between diaper changes and flying toys, I'll share the secrets of my heart. I have been discovering over these past months that I have some deep seeded trust issues I didn't know were hiding way down, deep in there, undisturbed...I mean, I thought I was already over that mountain! God's actually been telling me this for over a year with His sweet, quiet whispers when my heart agonizes in mystery with questions that are pain-filled from disappointments too great to speak of...I'll hear this thought buzz through my mind like a faint whisper on the winds whistling through the cornfield "you're not trusting Me". And I ignore it, thinking, I simply don't understand what you could mean, Lord. I trust you. I do! I promise, I do. I may not trust, Tom, Dick, Harry or even Donny at times...but I trust YOU! But over the course of the past few months, when God called me, a stay-at-home-mom, who works a full-time job but earns NO INCOME, to shepherd her son on a mission trip to Haiti that costs $4600 real green dollars, that she did not have one red penny for, I thought I TRUSTED, blindly, when I leapt off that cliff with my wide-eyed, adrenaline pumping heart as we answered YES to the call of God to "walk on the water" and I came to quickly realize that it's time I learn to TRUST Him on a whole 'nother level that makes me incredibly vulnerable....and my flesh says...OH YUCK.
As the months quickly fleeted by with a simple blink of an eye and the financial reality began to feel more like impending doom of a brick that someone tied to my leg as I'm trying to walk on the water to meet my Jesus, I started sinking as I began to carry this weight as my own. I continue to sink and keep sinking. What is happening, questions bubbled up like water filling my lungs and so I scrambled to do what anyone who's drowning would do...fight for survival. Life suddenly becomes so loud when you live in 'survival mode'...everything is noisy, even the silence is deafening...it's so very hard to hear that whisper of life, that whisper you need for sustenance; it's nearly impossible to hear, but the lies are noisy, so very loud & noisy and that will keep your days BUSY. Suddenly I watched myself transition into a familiar role that I knew how to fulfill: self-reliance, independence, trusting no-one but myself, knowing Maria will have to handle this or everything will fall apart; carry this load and don't let anyone know how heavy it is, hiding behind the facade of an "independent spirit" with an orphan heart believing that I MUST provide the means necessary with constant reassurance from the lies that I am completely alone on this although don't forget others are DEPENDING ON ME TO COME THROUGH...so do not let them down, all of them noisy voices! Yikes, so there it is...that trust issue, bubbling right up to the surface, stealing my oxygen, stinging my lungs with every.single.gasp.for air.... "I CAN ONLY DEPEND ON ME"...Oh, so is that what you meant, Lord? This giant monster under my bed with the neon flashing light, hiding in plain sight...is that the trust issue you've been talking about? So I guess I can't put my money where my mouth is, literally, on this one. TRUST: 5 letters that make up one of the most terrifying words I know and hardly a person on the planet I'd ever use in a description of. Never seemed to be a big deal...until now. This is more than a small issue, isn't it Lord? This is probably causing a problem or two in my life, isn't it Lord?...
Then one day I read these words from Wendy Backlund: Trust is sometimes a hard thing for people (perhaps because they don't understand what it means to trust someone). It doesn't mean I trust you to never hurt me or fail me; but it means that when you hurt me or fail me, I will trust that you love me despite the imperfections and weaknesses that I see. I will trust in your motives, I will trust that you are trying to improve and grow in areas. I will trust that you are sorry for hurting me.
I Corinthians 13 mentions that love "believes all things and hopes all things." Can we understand that only perfect people can keep from hurting us or misunderstanding us? When we believe in the goodness and love of someone's heart for us, it doesn't hurt as much when they fail us, say something wrong about us, or get mad at us. This can be true because out of an attitude of trust, we are able to make a case for their love for us, rather than a case against them.
Trust is similar to faith in that our trust isn't tested until the evidence seems to contradict what we believe. Many people hold back trust because they want to be able to trust "safely." I don't believe we should put ourselves in reckless situations by trusting just any body; however, we cannot raise the bar so high that we do not trust anyone. If you have no one whom you trust then you probably need to adjust your perspective of what trust means.
And after I read that devotional one morning, my heart had a Homer Simpson moment and I sat there...thinking "Doh". I once heard it said that money will reveal what's hiding in a person's heart...well in my case, the lack thereof, has revealed an incredible insecurity of distrust and unworthiness hiding in mine....which reminds me of a favorite Bill Johnson quote "insecurity is wrong security exposed"...guess I'm the new poster child for this one. Funny how I did not start this blog out to go to this 'confessional place', I just wanted to be thankful and celebrate all your support while I work on my insecurities back here in Buckman where no one has to see them and then somehow we took a hard right and here I am airing out my underwear while we sit here changing diapers as I attempt to conquer this giant by just being stark honest, in the thick of this heavenly adoption process, confessing that I'm on a journey of learning how to let God have even greater access to the secret places of my heart, I don't have it all figured out, I'm terrified stiff most days as I watch that ticker on the calendar counting down 14 more days at the speed of light! This "insecurity" has unveiled a deep brokenness in me like a pressure cooker and for the life of me all I can think of is all the times I thought God was going to come through, like I knew, that I knew, that I knew, with a supernatural gift of faith...and YET it didn't happen....and when I try and turn to the Lord in all this mess, desperate for His voice all I hear is two tiny words "let go"....which feels like a total loaded gun. So I have a decision to make, I have a freedom to fight for, I have a 2 ton brick to let go of, I have a God who wants me to trust Him as my provider and I have to get out of the boat and try to walk on this water again because there's a glory story waiting for me and I want to find it.
Thanks for listening...time to put this baby to bed!
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