Okay, this blog is becoming my life's obsession cuz each night this week as I lay down for my weensie few winks of sleep at night, many, many topics, stories, visions and ultimately thousands of words plague my drained brain and it's been taking me hours to actually fall asleep at night. Oh geez, I knew this was going to happen! "Maria and her obsessions!" it takes on a life of its own! There is sooooo much I'd love to share about this amazing past year and my spiritual revolution now that its in the "action" phase. My mind truly haunts me in the night and I'm finding no room for sleep in my life! EEK!
So I must pause from the current lesson of the "history of the Traut's salvation" here for a minute and back up to tell you about the initial pivotal kick-off that led me to accepting God's guidance. Here are some logistics on our journey of infertility. We had spent nearly all of the 2 years on this journey just trying to "make a go of it" on our own without any medical treatments (mostly because I didn't think we qualified to receive medical intervention). I educated myself like a freakish over-achiever about all things "reproductive" about the human body thinking since "luck" hadn't worked the first year certainly the scientific approach would be successful! Obviously, that wasn't working either, so I turned to the next readily available option; natural healing and followed that path for months. NOPE. In my darkness and pity-consuming frame of mind I began to focus a lot on the idea of "Why doesn't God believe I'm worthy of having a baby? What is wrong with me? Why don't I deserve this?" I know now that was that cunning ole Satan whispering those miserable "sweet" nothings into my ear, but haphazardly (which later was revealed to me through the book Bait of Satan, I learned God often sits back letting the Devil have his way with you in your weakened state because GOD can see the bigger picture and knows that the stumbling blocks the Devil throws in your path will more often than not become a beautiful piece of the Lord's plan for cultivating your life) I found this personal pity party of "Why me??" to become inspiration for me to take a long, hard, realistic look in the mirror and I began to see some horrible reflections staring back at me. I wanted desperately to be "a new woman" before we entered the medical phase of our infertility journey(which was set to begin) thinking it would provide an extra "bonus" on the chances of our luck increasing and help our medical intrauterine insemination [IUI] process to be successful.(I was a bit COOKOO during this point of the LONG journey!!! Which my previous statement proves!) It was obvious in my irrational mind; I needed to become a better person so God would give me a baby. Simple enough huh? Still not knowing and/or trusting in the Lord, I thought this could work as a "deal" of sorts: I fix some of my faults and you reward me with a baby...deal or no deal?....I'll take the DEAL! Well, as always...I like to go for the gusto right from the start, I love coming straight out of the gates packing a punch, after all I'm in this race to win!!! It was rather simple for me to determine what fault of mine I should begin refining and I knew this was going to be HARD goal to accomplish!
FORGIVENESS
I needed to forgive a certain someone in my life that I had spent the past 4+ years obsessively trying to destroy. I started to reflect on how UGLY I was...internally(where it counts the most)...I had exhausted so much of my energy in defiling this other person that her negativity mixed with my own negativity had taken control of both our lives. It was as if Satan was having a hay day playing barbies with the two of us in an ultimate fighting match! As I stared in that mirror of harsh reality, I literally became flush from embarrassment...how on earth did I fall this far into a dark hole I couldn't climb back out of? I had made some horribly bad choices in regards to this person = sin in it's finest hour. I used her as an easy scapegoat ~ she had chosen a lifestyle of very few positive decisions ~ so she became an easy target for me to cast my pitfalls onto her resume. This was "not me" and for the first time I had the courage to realize it "WAS ME" and instantly the scapegoat facade and personal denial disintegrated and I recognized the cold hard truth smacking me in the face. SO, how on earth would I go about forgiving her...yikes, I had a hatred so deeply seeded towards this person that I became physically ill in her presence or when speaking of her influence upon my life. I remember a few times that I literally ran to the bathroom to vomit because a simple discussion involving her name worked me into a frenzy severe enough to transform from an emotional obsession to a physical reaction on my body. Now, that is some DEEPLY SEEDED hatred....let me tell you. It's easy to see now why I let that sin consume me to such a severe degree...I was "hating her" for my own failures and faults. None-the-less I set the bar high and I thought beyond a doubt that if I forgave her, I'd get "a baby out of the deal"...and I was desperate for the gift of a child so I knew what had to be done.
Forgiveness was not something that I had the luxury of witnessing too many times in my life so I truly had no idea how to go about this and make it "real". It's easy to say "I forgive" and not mean it, I needed to sell myself on the idea, I knew it had to be real...I needed to fully embrace forgiveness. SCARY! I lived my life all the way up to this point being trapped by the almighty sin of "offense" [which by the way is the entire essence of the book Bait of Satan]. I had seen others in my life who were role models to me live this sin as second nature so truly it became a part of my characteristic. Offense in the form of: grudges, revenge, blame, hurt, hatred, slander, unforgiveness...those were sins of my forefathers that had penetrated my impressionable mind as a youngster and in essence became second nature to me. I never cognitively decided one day to say "man, I think I'm going to live a life filled with hatred for all those who have offended me and do whatever in my power to seek revenge"...either it was generational sin or I was an easy target for Satan's grasp because there was no denying those characteristics were attached to me like woodticks!
How do I learn how to forgive? This is all brand new to me and seems unattainable!! It must have been at that turning point where God looked down upon my measly life and said "I think she's almost ready for me"....because out of no where it was almost as easy as just saying the words "I forgive you..."! I thought about it in deep contemplation for about a week and then in a phone conversation with my mom I just blurted it out "I think I need to forgive 'A', the time has come...I need to forgive her and move on with my life in a different direction." and my mom responded with[surprise in her voice] support and reassurance that it might not be a bad idea. Seriously, once I spoke the words out loud to my mom it was like my mind accepted it as reality, I made my goal to forgive attainable by expressing it vocally to someone therefore holding myself accountable. Now here comes the ultimate surprise....
Forgiveness was a bigger gift FOR ME than it was for 'A'. In reality she had no clue about the severity of my ill feelings towards her as I avoided all direct contact with her like the plague so she rarely ever had to lay eyes upon me. My feelings probably didn't effect her daily life...but it WAS CONSUMING MINE. I was soooo FREEEEEEEEE after embracing forgiveness. I could not believe how light I felt, it was as if I had dumped a 500lb load of bricks off my shoulders. Why had I not known all the "personal" benefits involved in the gift of forgiveness...I would have done it sooo much earlier!! ha!! That was the initial baby step, the absolute defining moment of my transformation into seeing this world with a new pair of eyes. I equate that week to being the tiny snow flake that would lead to the ultimate avalanche of God's LOVE overwhelmingly taking over my life. (although at this point I was not aware of the change that was going to occur in me...I was just making good on my end of the "deal" I proposed with God so I could get a baby!)
I felt like a million bucks and I thought for certain I was going to get pregnant in a mere few weeks when we had the IUI planned...I had come through with my end of the bargain. I forgave and it was AWESOME and I ended up getting something out of the deal...FREEDOM! But then I had to face "A" for the first time since I decided in my mind and heart to forgive her and I thought "well, I can easily do this, I don't really 'want to' but it should be doable now that I'm in a forgiving frame of mind"...as our car rolled into the gas station where I was to meet up with her I felt those sickly feelings starting to creep back in to my stomach and without hesitation I made the conscious decision to say "NO WAY...I'm BEYOND THIS...I have forgiven her, this anxiety NEEDS TO STOP" and it did. Right there proved to me, I had gained a level of strength I didn't know I had in me. I was physically able to deny those ill feelings to control me...what a beautiful empowering, freeing feeling!
So I had forgiven 'A' in my own heart and mind, check...this was done, I'd get my baby...life would be happy right? Well no, it didn't work like that. This would be the portion of the story where my first blog entry comes into play. A couple weeks passed we had our IUI at the clinic, it turned out to be a failure and hence the "morning bathroom breakdown" ensued and we all know how it goes from there.
When our adoption journey "ended" in the context that we were home with our baby. The beautiful relationship we formed with his birthfamily haunted me....'A' came rushing back to the foreground again trying to consume my life and I was thinking "WHAT THE HECK, I HAVE FORGIVEN HER, WHAT ELSE IS THERE?"....I come to realize that I had not completed my journey of forgiveness until I reached out to her and shared my thoughts of forgiveness WITH HER and ultimately needed to ask her to FORGIVE ME. And this beautiful, merciful, gracious God of ours knew that measly little Maria would not be strong enough to do this in her present position of "back seat passenger" in the relationship of "Donny, 'A' & Maria". So he graced me with the most surprising, humbling gift of all...the piece of the puzzle he knew I needed so that I could find the courage to complete this journey of forgiveness. He granted me the gift of my son Zachary...legally! The day I adopted him released another 500lb load I didn't even know I was carrying. It was black & white to me at that point...so I took the lead, reached out in forgiveness and God's work through my hands has truly knocked my freakin socks right off. I can not believe what a healing gift this has been for my son Zachary! I can not believe what a healing gift this has been for ME! I can not believe was a gift this has been for my family! I can not believe what a gift this has been for my growth as a person and more importantly a mom! I can not believe how this simple act of "forgiveness" has transformed so many lives that were trapped by the affects of "offense". When I read the book "Bait of Satan" I had finally stumbled upon all the words I needed to describe this transformation in me that had taken place simply because I decided "to forgive" and it showed me in black & white how the trap of "offense" can poison your life. Amazing, simply amazing!
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