I'm fairly certain most all of you know the amazing tale that is our "adoption journey" to my baby Boon and ultimately my son Zachary as well! And if you weren't an active adoption blog follower you've probably had your ear full of my rantings at some point or another! I'll spare you all the 1 millionth re-cap at this point. What a life altering experience for me to be of present mind and KNOW that every minute of that journey was God's miracle at work in my life for my family. I often wrote about all the "coincidences" on Boon's blog when truly that was my secret code for acknowledging that I knew and recognized each and every touch from God's hands upon my journey. It is phenomenal how my life was turned upside down and flipped inside out through this adoption experience, truly as my second son was literally being born I too was being born into a new life! And now I'm hoping you can see why I joyfully and erratically state with enthusiasm that infertility was my GIFT! I don't say that to make light of a heavy, heart wrenching disease, I have many dear friends whose experience with infertility is something completely different and a life-long battle and I'm truly sensitive to the fact that every journey is different. I'm just thankful I personally found a greater purpose for my experience with infertility.
Through the amazing revelations that I encountered from reading the book "Bait of Satan" I learned all about when God shakes our foundation in an attempt to "sift" our souls. I do believe the experience of infertility was like an earthquake in my life, one I truly thought I would not survive ~ I definitely can not deny the shaking that was occurring [for 2 solid years!]. The following words absolutely jumped right off the page of this great book as I read my eyes bugged out:
Five purposes for shaking an object:
1. To bring it closer to its foundation.
2. To remove what is dead
3. To harvest what is ripe
4. To awaken
5. To unify or mix together so it can be no longer separated.
EXACTLY ~ Amen, hallelujah...this hits the nail on the head! When I could not find the words to describe for so long how the past 3 years have changed me down to my very core...I found the perfect words to illustrate my exact thoughts in this chapter of the book!
How infertility was the purpose for shaking me:
1. I finally found my undeniable foundation = the Lord.
2. To rid my character of superficial views, morals, values and beliefs, rid my life of selfishness and reckless sinful actions = all of this was "dead" weight that needed to be purged.
3. My trust in God had ripened and my faith was ready to be harvested.
4. OH YES AWAKEN INDEED! My soul was finally awaken to recognize my calling and purpose in this life.
5. My life needed to be unified with God's plan so he mixed us together and I fruitfully became the mother he planned for me to be from this beautiful blending.
= Thus infertility became my GIFT.
So there is a mini-history lesson on how I now see my experience with a set of new eyes.
Fast forward to the glorious day our Boon was born. My dreams to extend my family were finally coming true after such a long haul it was a bitter sweet time for me. I came home with my beautiful baby boy, an amazing extended family built through open-adoption and a brand new outlook on my life. As I've said endlessly, I was humbled to a point of guilt as I felt I didn't deserve such a blessing...this quickly transformed into a deep inspiration for personal growth, I wanted to grow in every way imaginable to become a mom truly worthy of these two precious boys...the Lord had brought me this far so I turned to him to continue to lead me.
Days went by and I was at home enjoying my family I had yearned to have for SOOO long, I should be content beyond my hearts desire, correct?! One would certainly think so. BUT, (there's always a BUT) soon I found these intensely charged emotions relating to all things adoption quickly seeping back into the foreground of my heart. WHAT ON EARTH!!! I'm supposed to be done with that "baby fever" stuff so why is there this burning desire in the depths of my soul to be connected to adoption? Why has this fire not been put out!! SURELY I'VE LOST MY MIND, RIGHT?! It was as if adoption amnesia had taken a hold of me and I'd completely forgotten the paperwork nightmares! But there I sat struggling with this wildfire that had not diminished but multiplied, intensified, and exploded into a sweltering firestorm that was consuming my soul! OH GREAT! Everyone and their uncle's neighbor's hairdresser is expecting me to be content with my dream-come-true, comfortable, country, lifestyle as MOM and I was expecting the same so now what do I do with these uncontrollable adoption ties yanking on my heartstrings? " The intensity grew as the days went by...so 2 short months after Boon joined our clan I found myself desperate to be connected to the adoption rat-race all over again. CALL THE WHITE VAN IMMEDIATELY ~ TAKE ME AWAY! I didn't dare tell ANYONE for fear they would think I was ungrateful for the indescribable, life-altering, immensely humbling gifts that I had received. Being ungrateful was not the case at all, I was in a phase of my life where God was throwing gas on the wildfire to keep me passionate about what was to become my calling, although at this point I didn't know it was a calling on my life...I thought it was that darn "baby bug" biting me all over again!
Through another series of revealing dreams some things were coming to light, those revelations were undeniably leading me to Ethiopia. So I dove back in the saddle but instead of demanding this horse to gallop full speed to the finish line, I decided for the sake of my husbands sanity to take a leisurely stroll this time and secretly began my obsessive study of Ethiopia to see if that was where our next adventure would take us.
5 months pass by(when talking about patience 5 months can realistically be compared to 5 decades in this girl's mind!) needless to say I was anxious and chomping at the bit to get this adoption roller coaster on the tracks again, I'm "READY" but still TERRIFIED to tell my husband about this obsession. So I headed off to a women's retreat the first weekend in April and heavy on my mind were two things, my son Zachary and his needs and this crazy life-of-its-own passion for adoption. I was hoping the good Lord would send me some signs as to how I should proceed down either of these roads and divine inspiration on how to convince my husband to go for this craziness. God was faithful yet again. Lisa Bevere was the main speaker at this 2 day conference and she seriously must have read my personal diary before preparing her testimony ~ she spoke right to the deepest, darkest places hiding in the cobb-webbed corners of my heart!! GULP! On top of all that she inspired me to believe I could grow to a level I never imagined possible before. About a million times over the course of the weekend I found myself thinking "wow, she would have been an amazing mentor and role model in my life as a young girl...Heck, she's becoming a role model to me NOW!" The underlying message I was receiving from her words was "are you open to God's call on your life" She kept saying this repetitive line of "lean in and listen" or something to that extent and that's exactly what I did...I leaned in closer to God and by the end of the seminar I found myself praying for "my calling" being fairly certain [as I always know best, ha ha] adopting a football team of babies was my calling and I was sure God would say "Maria, get your butt to Africa NOW!" by the end of Saturday's event. I came home and unloaded on poor Donny, I was inspired, rejuvenated and walking in the clouds. We had a beautiful conversation about "recognizing the call" for our life, I poured my soul out about my private faith journey over the course of the past year and basically pleaded and begged for Donny to "jump up here" in the spiritual clouds with me, like he could snap his fingers and make it happen. He thought my brain had sprung a leak and my sanity had completely drained out! But he listened to me and supported my excitement, then rolled over and began to snore.
I went to bed emotionally DRAINED but thinking that I HAD recognized my call and it was relating to adoption, but now I was starting to think to what degree am I to be involved with adoption, an advocate, an educator, a supporter, what side of adoption do I belong on the journey before or after the gift of a child, maybe I should be connected to orphans? Do they even make a vehicle big enough to hold all the beautiful children I dream to adopt?! Hmmm, I still couldn't pin my finger on it directly, but was certain somewhere in there proved to be a beautiful brown-sugar baby girl for me one day! ;) The next morning we went to church and I kid you not pastors sermon was all about recognizing the call for your life and if you're open to hear God's voice. JACKPOT!! I sat there the ENTIRE hour and a half with one of those half-cocked grins on my face ~ *wink, wink* thanks there big guy for making me "right" in my great faithful debate with Donny! He glanced over my way out of the corner of his eye a time or two and gave me the same smart-alec grin so I knew he was "getting it" too! He just hates when "I'm right"!! ha ha! I left church that day with my prayer intentions being focused mainly on what was to be Donny's calling in life and the ability for him to recognize it and also continuing my prayer about my own life's calling and where on earth this faith journey was taking us! Ethiopia are you in our future?
No comments:
Post a Comment