Have you ever seen an angel?

I certainly have, almost every day my life is filled with the earthly presence of God’s sweet angels smiling through the faces that I’ve come to know and love so dearly as my friends, family and beyond.

As my consciousness of God’s touch of grace has awakened gradually over the course of the past few years, so has my ability to recognize when someone I know or even a complete stranger is taking the form of an earthly angel to help God’s love for me be ever present in a tangible form. I am modestly attempting to thank all of those who have refined my life, polished me in ways that I could not on my own, held my hand when I was frightened, picked me up when I stumbled, educated me when I was ignorant(yeah, obviously ~ still a work in progress here) and helped me through each chapter of my life's journey thus far.

If you haven’t had the luxury of “seeing an angel”, it’s not because you are unsuccessfully looking for some ghost-like presence with fluffy white wings floating down from above that is mythical and fictional, it’s probably because I’ve done hogged all the earthly angels that one could find!! Just keep looking, I'm sure all your lives are filled with angels too(when they are off duty from their job of helping me). I’m a glutton on angels that’s for certain ~ GUILTY! I am so lucky or so helpless that God has given hundreds of angels the aggrivating task of shepherding me like a hopelessly lost lamb! They all have listened so diligently to whatever orders they’ve received to “deal with me” and my life has been richly blessed because of each and every heavenly soul I’ve encountered!

Truly my previous post was in reference to such angels when I spoke of the beautiful “stranger” who generously supported our trip. But why all this has inspired me to post publicly is because I was gifted yet another encounter with an angel last Friday. I spent my day with her and she blessed me more than words can express. I truly love how God has intertwined our paths to cross on such a similar journey! I’m still at a loss on how to gather my thoughts about how intensely she’s impacted and enhanced my life for what I hope to be an everlasting friendship deep beyond our biological connections. On my drive home Friday afternoon, I reflected upon all the angels in my life and I was mesmerized by the extent of God’s reach!! Back as far as my frazzled mind could remember my life has been shaped and “saved” in many ways from the blessings only these divinely appointed angels could offer. Every single one of you that "puts up with me" deserves a medal of sorts!! There is another special woman that I feel honored to 'give a shout out' to. She's an ever-present angel in my life and my admiration for her is irreplaceable. She's been burdened the task of diligently repairing my broken ladder to heaven (like a humble steward) when all she had to start working with was a splintered pile of rotting wood, yeah that’s the perfect metaphor for my life before I found the Lord, rotting pile of wood ~ blech. She’s carefully repaired each rung as it cracks, bends, bows, or breaks from under my footing so that I will never crash ~ I'm sure she's endured countless slivers from her experiences with me. She often holds me in my weakest state tenderly in her hands, nurturing my spiritual soul like an infant, even applying bandaids to hold my broken heart together when necessary. She eases me along gently to find the strength to climb the next step up the ladder, after all I'm afraid of heights and I can't see the top of where this scary ladder leads! As I’m reaching out for God, like an eager child for her father ~ I’m always looking back down the ladder in that same child like manner, terrified and seeking reassurance of whether I should “take the next step” and there she always is, cheering for me. YOU are FOREVER my sister in Christ ~ the closest bond I’ve ever held with someone I call “family”. I am your mini-me, so know there’s no way to ever get rid of me!! ;)

THANK YOU ~ to each and every angel that walks this earth along side a fool like me. I could ramble on for weeks, months and years to give justice to how you've all touched me but I hope each and every one of you knows how much you mean to me. Sadly, this is my lame attempt at sharing my undying gratitude for all of you ~ the angelic blessings in my life.

Awwwwe, big ole hugs, just like the ending of a Hallmark movie ~ this is me with arms wide open for all of you! (squeeze)

He never ceases to amaze!

I cannot begin to describe how incredible the workings of God are when you are in his favor. Donny I jumped head first into this trip (well, Donny might describe it more as tripping & falling! ha) without any knowledge of how we'd truly pay for the financial aspect of this journey. Anyone who knows me will realize I often look at the "money" as a secondary concern to where my heart leads me in life! Maybe it's because I never had any money to begin with thus no reason for concern! I believe experiences and memories(and now God's calling) far surpass any monetary weight or restriction. Apples & oranges if you ask me. Donny and I both agreed to adopt the policy of "God will provide, when we absolutely can not" and with that we decided to forgo any plans of fundraising, ect. Especially with the economy in dire straights these days, we felt it was an uncomfortable idea for us to seek out a financial fundraising campaign. Honestly what we desired most to "fundraise" was simply moral & spiritual support from our family and friends(and that has been a torturous mountain to climb all on its own). We have managed here & there to scrape up some funds as we go along without it causing catastrophic stress on our life. Things are tight I can't deny that, but I see it as growing pains! We are blessed abundantly to still have food on our table, a roof over our head, warm beds, I could go on forever: We are blessed with a life much more comfortable than the people we are preparing to embrace in 2 short weeks. I've come to realize credit cards do have the capability of "saving the day" every now and again ~ Donny's cringing at this very moment I'm sure! I truly believe where there's a will there's a way and so we'll come through when necessary.

Needless to say the foundation of nearly ALL Donny's prayers have been the financial aspect of our trip and I too have been praying in parts that God will work wonders for us to fill in the small gaps that we can not possibly manage to close on our own. He has shown His face to us and we are feeling His grace as He works in the hearts of others who surround us. We received a generous gift from those dearest to me(they know who they are!) towards the donation of supplies we plan to bring for the children. This gift was a savior as Donny and I had no idea how we'd pay for the logistical costs of the trip and scrounge up enough to bring over bags of donations for the children.

Yet again God has smiled upon us and I sit here today totally humbled by the generosity of a complete stranger. Donny was at a local car dealer last night and as he was sharing details about our plans in Africa an employee of the place was so moved she offered a donation. She sheepishly said (as I heard through the phone) "It's not much, but I'm honored to help in some small way"....and she shared with Donny a $50 check. For the heart of a complete stranger to be so moved to share her very hard earned $50 with us because she believes so dearly in the mission we are on is astonishing to me, seriously I'm dumbfounded to the point of having no words to express the intensity of my thanksgiving to her. There's no doubt I'm truly grateful for the money, but what I'm most moved by is her taking a leap of faith WITH US. I think now I realize why I was truly unable to fundraise in the first place, I have no clue how to process these emotions that are stirring because someone opened their heart so generously to believe in me and dream with me. Someone supports the idea that God can make a difference through my little life. Tears of joy flood down my cheeks as I think of this lady who I will most likely never know or see and how she touched my life in such a profound way for simply believing in me.

Our God is so big, you never know where "he's at work"!! I am honored to be a daughter of his glorious kingdom and I will spend my days seeking his love and sharing it with those who need it most!

A witness...

And a believer of miracles, that is me!

Many of you wouldn't believe nor understand the absolute intensity of what I'm about to unjustly summarize of my Sunday morning experience at church, yet I feel the need to some how try and capture in words the phenomenon that unfolded in my life today for I will never be the same again and I think I need to share how and why before you all write me off as a confirmed LOONY.

Today marked the 6th day of a 10 day fast I have been disciplining myself to partake in. If any one of you know me in the least you know my compulsive sugar addiction and my utter downfall to the junk food giants that rule my life(not to mention my retched loathing of healthy food...namely...vegetables). Yet on my spiritual journey to prepare for Africa I felt this was desperately needed and found myself anxiously embarking upon my very first ~ 10 day fast ~ specifically the "Daniel Fast" to seek out the almighty Holy Spirit. To my ultimate surprise I have refused every ounce of temptation and sugar that has tried to be the demise of my quest for God's touch on my life. I realized quickly that not even what I believed to be my "greatest weakness" was any match for my hunger for Jesus Christ. I've been intensely increasing my prayer life during these 6 days spending every second I can possibly find with our Lord and I was starting to think I might be feeling a deeper connection ~ or maybe I was just so delirious from this disgusting vegetable regimen that I was dreaming all this up? What do sugar withdrawals do to your mind anyway? Who knows, but I was feeling the inclings of "something" occurring inside of me and I wasn't sure if it was physical or spiritual.

Last night as I was engulfed in my latest read "Face to Face with God" (you just wait for the review on this book!) an excitement came over me about attending church in the morning. I was eager as a school kid to get to church and find out what amazing, rejuvenating words God had for my ears to behold! And as ALWAYS Pastor Bob's sermon was yet again created 'just for me'. I seriously sometimes feel like it's just the two of us having a personal conversation, his words speak so clearly to wherever I am presently at in my life's journey I don't know if I should burst out in cheer or blush!! If something is confusing to me ~ he provides clarity; if something is heavy on my heart ~ he eases and releases my fears; if something is exciting me in the form of a sign from God ~ he reaffirms that exact sign so even a blind-bat like myself can see it flashing in my face! I just love how every week I find so much fruit in his heavenly words. So it was no surprise, as I've come to expect these occurances at church, this week was another divinely appointed message that pertained perfectly to my needs! What surprised me most was how emotional I was during service, the songs happen to be all those that jerk at my tears! Especially at holy communion I found myself over-taken by strong emotions as if this was my very first communion with our Lord. Shortly after communion Pastor was preparing to announce our weekly calendar, prayer intentions, celebrations of birthday & anniversaries and such and he said these mysterious words, "if anyone is seeking a closer connection to the Holy Spirit, I have a great little booklet up here as a wonderful tool, come to me after service for more information" and there was absolutely no doubt in my mind that was a message directly for me to JUMP ALL OVER! I approached Pastor Bob immediately after mass with a sense of relief because after all, I was flying blind on this 10-day fast not truly knowing what to do, how to do it or when I would know if the Spirit responded to my pleading prayers. I asked Pastor about the Holy Spirit booklet and confessed my 10-day fast to him. He was excited for me and he told me just as he went to bed last night it popped into his head clear as day that he MUST mention the booklet of the Holy Spirit at church this morning. He said to me he used to mention it weekly during the closing of mass but he hasn't remembered to include it for a while now, UNTIL TODAY. Then as we were talking about my fasting and my intentions he said "something has just come to me, I'd like to anoint you and invite the Holy Spirit to come upon you if you wouldn't mind." GULP! Of course I wouldn't mind, but did I have any idea TRULY what those powerful words meant? I do not think my humanly body could have been prepared for what my answer of "YES" would result in.

So for those of you who will understand I summarize the following monumental moments. The next 5 minutes of my life were so intense I can not describe the experience in simple enough terms to understand and only few will know how absolutely life altering this next sentence is. For a moment the world stopped spinning and in this brief pause in life a miracle unfolded that included me; an anointing; the Holy Spirit; uncontrollable weeping from the depths of my soul; trembling sensations that nearly caused me to collapse; the expansion of my heart to a point of physical pain; sudden and immense peace and an internal joy that no smile could do justice to. I am a witness and a believer ~ God's touch is a miraculous event that WILL CHANGE YOU if you simply extend the invitation.

And if you thought I was a Jesus-nut before....YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHING YET!

Move over Oprah....

I'm starting my own book club!! ha!

Seriously, I've wanted to rant and rave about all the books I've been reading they are sooo amazing, every book surprises and surpasses the previous book in knocking my socks off! So I need to give a little shout out to each book (I'll start with my first 3) ~ all you veteran book worms can giggle away at me, but I'm new to this thing called "reading for enjoyment" since I haven't read anything for pleasure in my lifetime unless it was in PEOPLE magazine while I was standing in the grocery line! Now I'm proud to announce 5 books under my belt in under 2 months, working on my 6th book as I type! When I started this journey and learned 2 books were required reads for this mission trip, I nearly sank in my seat thinking "there's NO WAY I can read or finish 2 BIG, LONG, WHOLE, ENTIRE BOOKS in the 2 itty bitty months we have to prepare!" Well, not to toot my own horn but HELLO, look at me now!! (picture me dancing around the kitchen like I'm getting my white girl groove on ~ and yes...tootin a horn!) And there is soooo much to learn in the pages of all these books, WHO KNEW!?! I've quoted quite a few things from some books already in my posts but I honestly feel each one deserves a personal review from the "almighty" Maria or it would be a disservice to the authors ~ ha ha! So for your torture, I will ramble on about how I love all these books and how they've "opened" my eyes and more importantly my heart in all sorts of new ways!



1. "Kissed the Girls and Made them Cry" by Lisa Bevere





I bought this book because Lisa instantly became a spiritual icon to me and I knew this book had to be good yet I wasn't sure if I'd ever 'really' find the time to read the whole thing! As I mentioned before, I stumbled onto Lisa's amazing wisdom by attending a women's retreat and she was the main speaker. She floored me and I instantly loved her. All 100lbs of her was a faith-filled firecracker exploding with God's energy! She inspired me and so many times during the weekend I found myself longing to have known a woman as personable, comical, spiritual and so freakin REAL as Lisa during those tough teenage years. She would've been a phenomenal mentor for me! She is definitely a "been there done that" kind of story with the happy ending of redemption ~ she doesn't just air her dirty laundry, she personally delivers it to your doorstep and shouts through a loud speaker so no one in the neighborhood is gonna miss one filthy little detail, I'm talking Desperate Housewives style! Then she shares how God saved her life and she inspires every sinful misguided girl(ahem, kinda like me), along the way to rise up to the realization that she's a miracle of God, a precious gift that glistens like a diamond in the eye of our Savior. She opens your shame filled eyes to see you deserves more than a label of sin that engulfs your past! It was an amazing book that healed wounds sooooo deep inside my soul! Wounds I couldn't even recognize on a concsious level but had trapped my spirit and caged my ability to truly share LOVE because of all the ways I was ravaged by sinful decisions of my past. Her book is so amazing it's like "healing for dummies" as she guides you through the immense love our heavenly father has for us and she kindly holds your hand and provides the perfect prayers for you to just embrace as you repent and seek forgiveness from our merciful Lord! That was the most wonderful part for this "new girl"...someone holding my hand showing me "hey pudding head...here's how ya pray". April 5, 2008 Lisa became a mother to me (and only Lisa would understand that reference/context), she wrapped me in the loving arms of a spiritual mother, wiped my tears when I cried, hugged me tightly when I was consumed by fear, held my hand and gently guided my frightened footsteps until I found the courage to embrace the Lord's healing love....all through the pages of her wonderful book! I strongly suggest this as a "must have" for EVERY pre-teen, teen, early 20's girl who has not followed or is contemplating not following the 'rules' of virtue!



2. "Bait of Satan" ~ by John Bevere



This book was our first required read from Amanda to prepare for our mission trip. I'm wondering if y'all have caught the first "crazy coincidence" of this babbling book club review. First I read Lisa Bevere's book (not even knowing one thing about this trip to Africa as it had not materialized in my life yet). I found myself idolizing Lisa and her wonderful husband(that she spoke of often at the retreat) as role models for the parents I wish Donny and I could grow to be for our children. Then WHAMMO, looky here....John Bevere makes it on my "must read" list next in line right after the amazing Mrs. Lisa! So cool, a man I thought must have certainly hung the moon since he led a true blue heathen like Lisa to Jesus ~ surely he'd have a couple good things to say, right? RIGHT! Bait of Satan was filled with the greatest conviction I've ever felt! I loved that someone was saying "Hey YOU, yeah Maria...I'm talking to YOU....knock that off right now" and making me accountable for some very miserable behaviors that I let rule my life. Teaching me all about the almighty sin of OFFENSE and how it totally rules, consumes and destroys your life. Pretty much sets you up to be Satan's favorite rag doll if you let your life be trapped by all the variations of offense. In this book I learned so much about how I need to do A LOT of growing, his personal testimonies inspired me to challenge myself to continue to grow. One hidden revelation I stumbled upon while reading this book is the realization I haphazardly landed on the right track and I'm finding the tools along the way to stay on the right track! I wish I had his book in my hand so I could quote and share some of my favorite lines and show how much his words motivated me. It's the kind of book you love so much you want to "force" your family to read it too! So needless to say, Donny's reading the book right now! ;)

3. "Red Letters" ~ by Tom Davis

Funny little story how Mr. Tom Davis came into my life and lit my passion for compassion! I had heard rumblings through my adoption blog circle of this new campaign they were all in love with: the RLC (link is found on the right side of my blog). I checked it out one day as I seen this RLC blog badge and "promo" video popping up on more & more blogs I perused. I thought it was a WONDERFUL cause and instantly thought to myself "WHEN, I adopt from Ethiopia some day I would love to support something this amazing." Then one blogger spoke of an amazing book titled "Red Letters" and as I was shopping Amazon one day for Ethiopian related books (I thought I was patiently preparing for my next adoption journey), up popped "Red Letters" in the 'books you might be interested in' column and I instantly recognized and remembered the book ~ so with a simple click in the shopping cart it went!! Just days later I joined this mission trip and within the first week found out from Amanda that this VERY BOOK was our 2nd required read in preparation for this trip. SHUT UP! I'm mysteriously one step ahead of you girl!

Do me a favor ~ re-read the title of this book ~ you should know from the front cover it's all business, there's no snoozing on this one! I had no clue what I was in for and Mr. Davis came swooping into my life like a thunderstorm through a campground, rattling every inch of my comfy, cozy, tent and shaking me right out of my warm sleeping bag at 10:30pm on a week night. I know I've already mentioned that 'national holiday' of me rising out of bed but do any of you realize how insane it is for this haggard mother to NOT choose sleep over anything in existence? Sleep is the rarest commodity I know of, in the house of a 7 month old party animal! But Tom surely knew how to rev my engine so that I had no choice but to be hostage of my adrenaline charged soul and thus the birth of this blog! I've quoted a few of the "goodies" from his extraordinary book already. No words on a piece of paper have ever motivated me like this book did. Kudos to you Tom, now I'll never have a moment of ignorant peace again since I'll be constantly engaged in ways to bring justice to this world throbbing for God's healing touch ~ truly I vow to live my life bleeding the faith of Jesus Christ!

In previous posts I've pointed out a couple scriptures that spoke to me, but I wanted to share another quote that enthralled me with conviction and it originates from Eleanor Roosevelt, "So much attention is paid to the aggressive sins, such as violence and cruelty and greed with all their tragic effects, that too little attention is paid to the passive sins, such as apathy and laziness, which in the long run can have more devastating effects." Tom shared this quote in reference to(the first half of his book) how the Western half of our world has shunned the growing problem of the AIDS pandemic that is rampedly destroying so many lives in the Eastern hemisphere. We have turned a cold shoulder as a people, a church and a nation. Essentially our apathy & laziness results in death, that my friend is the most destructive outcome of 'passive' sin that I could fathom.

Tom then goes on to talk about a bit of the work he does and he explains a little something that only the mind and heart of a true missionary could share; he says, "Every time I go into a community to offer help, I take with me little more than a sincere desire to do whatever is needed. I go with the expectation that I will leave a little of my money, my time -a little of myself- with the people who need it more than I do. I don't do this to get anything in return - I do it because it delights God. But here's the crazy truth: Every time I leave that kind of environment, I walk away with far more than I gave. I walk away with the smiles I saw in people's eyes, with the echoing laughter from the mouths of children. I walk away changed." Did your heart flutter when you read that? Mine stopped beating, jumped up in my throat and I gulped it back down best I could while it fluttered away uncontrollably! When I'm asked by people with that "girl, you've gone crazy" look in their eye as to why on earth I'm going to Africa and what it is I'll be doing there and what I have to offer? I can't help but hear these words from Tom fluttering through my heart and I simply respond to those who can not understand the depths with a straightforward answer: I want to be changed.

He ends that paragraph with the perfect "Red Letters" of Jesus himself: "It is more blessed to give than to receive." Acts 20:35 Enough said.

Africa details

So now I will share with you the “nitty gritty” about the long awaited facts of our African Mission trip. We depart on the morning of July 7th to begin the single most-life altering adventure of our existence; which I hope to be just the tip of the iceberg of our new life following God and embracing the call of missionaries of His heart! Reading the Book “Red Letters” by Tom Davis inspired me on a level that demands ACTION; the encouragement in the last chapter flung my exhausted butt outta bed at 10:30pm on a Monday with a burst of energy so STIMULATING and INVIGORATING I had to rush to the computer to start this blog and start releasing the pressure of this emotional charge inside of me before I literally exploded, let alone even THINK about sleeping! Another light to this fire in my heart was embracing all the challenges in the book, Tom does a magnificent job of sharing his passion for the poor and deeply moving his readers to “do something” and he gives ample resources that fit for EVERYONE!! No matter where you are in your journey there’s a way you can make a difference in the life of a child who needs you and it doesn’t all revolve around asking for money (so get that image of Maria mimicking Sally Struthers out of your HEAD!)! There are SOOOO many ways to impact your world! One campaign that struck me with a dream to make this mission trip a part of my lifestyle and not a “one time deal” was the challenges that the Five for 50 campaign proposes:

1. Give 5 minutes a day to pray for those suffering from HIV/AIDS.
2. Give 5 hours a week to fast for those suffering from HIV/AIDS.
3. Give 5 dollars a month to the Five for 50 Fund and support worthy causes.
4. Give 5 days a year to travel overseas and help alleviate poverty and suffering.
5. Give 5 people an opportunity to join you on your journey.

As I read each one of these challenges/statements conviction burned deep inside my heart to the point of physical aching. I realized I’ve wasted 28yrs of my life considering no other person’s needs as worthy as my own; totally removed, floating around oblivious on a superficial level from the sufferings of innocent people; desensitized by the media’s influence on my life it was easy for me to dismiss those uncomfortable “save the children” info-mercials or occasional documentaries as “not TRULY real” or at the very least “not MY problem” because I wasn’t filthy rich with extra money oozing out of my piggy bank. REALITY CHECK!!!!!!!!!!! It is MY problem and it’s YOURS too, if you choose to follow God, you choose to make this YOUR PROBLEM!!! (go check my link on the right side if you wanna know more!) Reality check for sure...YUCK, it was as if I was finally shedding this slimy, consumed by selfishness layer of dirty film like a snake ridding himself of old, dead, useless skin and emerging with this brilliant fresh, clean, brand new feeling that only love for God and HIS people can offer. So with reading all these challenges I eagerly shook my head YES, YES, YES, YES, YES…I can DO ALL THESE THINGS AND MORE…in an instant, what a snap, oh how easy, now Maria IS making a difference!! Why I’m rambling about all this is because of statement #4….When I read that statement it finally dawned on me this trip to Africa doesn’t have to be my “one and only” good deed, I don’t have to fall prey to the “one shot wonder” stigma of missionary flames that fizzle out. I would gladly give 5 days a year to travel and offer whatever it is I have to give to those who are suffering, that is the LEAST I could do! Donny’s always wanted to make it a “tradition” that we “take a trip” somewhere each year, I’m not sure if this is what he technically had in mind…but I finally share that same desire!!

Okay, back to the “nitty gritty” I was promising!! SORRY! Most trip details were shared through our leader Amanda’s fundraising letter, so I’m going to cut and copy a portion of her letter so you can see what we know about our purpose in Ethiopia & Rwanda (for those who didn’t know, we are spending time in both countries). A huge portion of this trip is to go wherever we are being led (by God’s spirit) to help whoever needs us the most…so it is rather hard to share an iron clad itinerary with you. But I do know some of the fundamentals that we’ll be partaking in.

Here it is most eloquently in Amanda’s own words:

This year we will be spending a couple of days in an HIV orphanage with children who have been diagnosed with HIV and have no hope of ever being adopted or having a family and leaving the four walls of their existence. We will also be spending time at America World’s transitional home with the older children, taking them to the zoo or to swim. Things they’ve never done before. We will be painting a mural on another orphanage’s nursery or schoolroom and playing soccer with the street kids who have been abandoned who live under tunnels or in the sewage system. We will also visit a Mother Theresa home in Rwanda where hundreds of orphans and widows live. Another orphanage we will visit in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia is one from a ministry called Kingdom Kids. It’s the older kids we will serve the most as they are the least likely to find homes. Babies are almost always wanted, but not the older children who are left as whole and intact sibling groups when their parents die of disease and poverty. We will help one day with the care and feeding of the babies in two or more orphanages. We will be more than busy for sure!!! There’s much work and love to give out to even make a small dent in this orphan population.

I can not describe to you how those words are like music to my ears and how my excitement grows by the day!! During one of our conference calls there was mention of some sort of “donkey races” and how our team might participate in a competition to make complete “assess” out of ourselves for the entertainment of all! ha! I can see you all laughing right now as you envision both Donny and I on the back of a donkey (whereas Donny’s competitive spirit will unleash) trying to race one another…you better believe I will laugh till I nearly wet myself if this truly is a part of our adventure! On a more serious note, I did also recently learn of more opportunities that are adding to our agenda. The chance to visit a leper hospital and visit the fistula hospital are going to be very important parts of our trip. One of the most famous stories of Saint Francis is one that involves him embracing and showering loving care over a leper…so it’s nearly surreal for me to envision I will have the opportunity to humbly walk that same path. I also just learned today that we’ll be visiting a place called the Black Lion Hospital and the story that was shared with us broke my heart into a million pieces. The conditions of this hospital are rancid and unfathomable to anyone of the western hemisphere to say the least. I have no idea how the Lord will use me in this situation but I pray that in some way he sends me immense strength to embrace whole heartedly “the least of these” who are suffering immeasurably and abolish my humanly weakness of fainting at the sight of blood, open wounds, ect. I refuse to accept any personal discomfort weakness that will be a hinder to sharing the love and hope I was sent to bring to those who need it MOST!

We will be spending 10 days in Africa and our last 2 nights will be spent in Rome. We will be traveling home July 19th. This is where I’ll be sharing the harsh reality of stories so huge they make you physically ill and the meat of this blog will be to give justice and hope to those who have NONE. Until then may we journey together on this spiritual preparation of great measures so little ole Maria & Donny can rise to the occasion of biblical proportion! I feel that the spiritual portion of this trip is the most sensitive for many of you to understand or comprehend but the absolute most important fundamental foundation of the entire purpose of this mission! So please continue to follow along, I will gladly hold your hand as we embrace faith together in a 3-D experience where no funky red & green glasses are needed!

WOW!

What an amazing video, I just HAD TO SHARE!!!!!!!

I know what you're thinking....

So that's great Maria you've received a passionate new outlook on life and a deep desire for reaching out to orphans....BUT, where does Donny come into this picture? How on earth did you sell Donny on a mission trip to Africa!?! What kind of bribes and/or threats were on the table here?

Well, my friends I will tell you how amazing our great God is! He worked through me to convince my lovely husband that stepping out in faith is worth the risk and it only took minimal threats to deliver this message! Ha! Some how I was able to share with him one simple value that has become a guiding source for my life: Believing in God's plan has a greater reward for our life than our meager mind can grasp and at no circumstance must we continue living our life consumed and stifled by humanly fear. It's time... we are being called to walk by faith, we need to answer.

Here's how the scenario played out. I learned of this trip on a Thursday afternoon and promised my response of yes/no to Amanda on the following Monday morning. I had 3 days to 'pitch this sale' of a lifetime to my husband and I had NO CLUE how I was going to make this happen as financially constrained as we are I knew he'd have the "money excuse" to use as an iron-clad scapegoat to hang on for dear life to his answer of "NO" which would leave me not having a leg to stand on when it comes to arguing the righteous choice! I had answers and solutions worked out for any and every other possible excuse he might conjure up to discourage this trip from becoming a reality, except the money and the time off from our jobs...that I was leaving in God's hands because it was nearing the weekend so I was pretty limited from making these things happen in a snap. On Friday afternoon as I was still nervously fumbling around on how I would get Donny to jump on this crazy train with me I miraculously ended up with the following video in my hands. As I watched this nearly 10 minutes of a simple Youtube sermon, I realized how these were God's words for ME and ultimately for DONNY. I bawled my eyes out as I watched this video and listened to every single amazing and convicting word flowing from Rick Warren's mouth like peotry to my soul! After hitting "replay" repeatedly I could nearly recite the sermon myself by the end of the day! Please humor me and spare 10 minutes to watch the video for yourself, maybe there's a message for you as well?




So after I had watched this time and again it struck me(a hundred different ways for a hundred different reasons)...there are many messages screaming out to me through this video but for the purpose of my uber important 'WEEKEND SALES PITCH' there was one undeniable message coming through in the video tightly grasping my attention! The message was that Rick Warren took a leap of faith believing in his wife's calling from God, supporting her dreams and promising to embrace this journey with her. While on this "trip for his wife" what happened to Rick ~ he recognized a calling from God on his own life and found this trip had just as much purpose for him as it did for his wife!!! How indescribably beautiful that message was for me, instantly I knew there was a greater plan behind this mission trip to Africa(for so many reasons). Yes, it is heavy on MY heart to reach out to orphans; Yes, this extreme poverty issue consumes MY compassion; Yes, I feel a deep longing to be connected to Africa; YES! I want to take home every sweet baby I seen in that video; Yes, I am embracing God's word to live out the Red Letters of Jesus Christ himself! But this trip is not JUST A CALLING FOR ME...it is an answer to the almighty prayer of a CALLING FOR DONNY! I get shivers running down my spine every single time I say those words! God has answered my prayers for Donny to be touched by his hands in such a physical way that he will be forever changed just as I am. This is that journey for Donny, that hands-on experience that he needs to encounter [in living color] for the eyes of his heart to be opened. I am so amazed at how extraordinary this Savior is of ours. Ask and you shall receive INDEED! I prayed and he answered in such a magnitude that many, many prayers and dreams are coming true through his one simple answer and comandment to: Come to Africa. "Give away your life; you'll find life given back, but not merely given back- given back with bonus and blessing. Giving, not getting, is the way. Generosity begets generosity" (luke 6:38) for God has made us this "deal" in the Bible: "If you take care of the things that are on my heart, I'll take care of the things on yours." this message is pretty much as clear as it gets!

I want my husband to lay down his life for Jesus Christ as I am and in a mere 27 days I truly believe Donny's chance to spiritually shine is going to explode, ignite and burst to life like a firestorm consuming his soul just as it has for me. I know from deep inside the depths of my spirit that when we return home from this trip we will be one heart desperate for Christ and no longer two hearts that beat separately. Disclaimer: even if Donny doesn't come home a complete "Jesus fruit-loop" like myself, I know that God's plans for us in Africa are greater than my understanding at this moment and without doubt our lives will be forever changed even if it's in NONE OF THE WAYS I'm imagining. For I truly embrace this scripture that is seeking me out almost daily and I know this is a preview of "those greater plans than my understanding": "Whenever you did one of these things to someone overlooked or ignored, that was me - you did it to me." (Matthew 25:40) the words of our Lord are absolutely beautiful! We will see what his plans are for us, time will tell!

SO back to how I physically convinced Donny to say "YES"; After 48 hours I untied his restraints and removed his gag and asked if he had come to his senses! HA! Just kidding! ;) It didn't become quite 'that severe'. Firstly, I sat him down which I felt was best for his phsyical safety as the probability of him fainting was high. Before I even had the chance to utter one word he responded to me with this: "What on earth is going on Maria? I have NEVER seen a look like that in your eyes, this must be something huge and possibly scary?! Why is there this eerie twinkle in your eye that I haven't ever seen in my life?" With that I poured my heart out to him sitting on the couch, yet floating in the clouds and barely remembering anything that was flying out of my mouth! I 'pitched my sale' and left it at that...I wanted him to have the weekend to completely consume what I was asking of him before he answered. I shared the video above with him on Saturday, I figured it certainly couldn't hurt! ;) So Sunday night we sat down to discuss his answer and it was plain and simple... "NO". Surprisingly my heart did not deflate, and I did not fly off the handle (which I thought I might) and I ultimately KNEW he was going to say NO...yet I was undeterred in my faith...I knew we were going to Africa. He did come to terms with the idea of me going on the trip without him, he thought that would be a good compromise(and keep him from being on my "list"), but I KNEW that was not God's intent for us so I immediately snapped back "NOPE, We BOTH need to be on this trip, this experience has a purpose for EACH OF US". I went to bed that night more confused than anything, I felt soooo strongly that we were going to be on this trip but I needed to give my answer to Amanda the very next morning so where was my magical wand when I needed it?

Monday morning I awoke to Donny whispering in my ear "I have a few logistical questions I'd like to get answered and then I'll say 'YES'. If I can get the time off of work then I'll be on board with this trip to Africa. Thank you Maria for showing me we are worth it. I want to take this leap of faith with you, thank you for opening my eyes to see something bigger". I was frozen stiff in my half-comatose state of sleep and so I mumbled an "I love you for believing in something you don't understand, believing in me and facing your fear" and by the time he exited the bedroom I was jumping for joy on top of my bed like a 5yr old, doing trampoline type flips and all! The reality had finally shaken me awake....WE WERE GOING TO AFRICA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Third chapter of this "war & peace" history lesson!

I PROMISE not all entries will be this horribly long as it seems my first three posts have been an amateur attempt at a novel! There's just SOOOO MUCH to share to catch you all up on my journey so the information I will provide about our African Mission Trip will impact you (hopefully) on a heartfelt level as it does me! I promise soon I'll start discussing the African facts which is probably the most interesting to you all!

So I had heavy intentions on my heart & mind to pray about the calling for my life and Donny's life and that is what I did. I came to work the next week after the wonderful spiritual weekend at the Women's Retreat and the great sermon at church that Sunday in early April and I began working on my list of jobs to accomplish for the week. There was one job that I had pushed to the "back burner" long enough I nearly forgot to finish it. It was a simple "re-print" type of job for our vocations department, a prayer on a sandal shaped book marker that our Sister would pass out to young girls she met or give as a souvenir when she's been a guest speaker. I was gently reminded by a fellow coworker that I needed to finish the sandal job.(as we all know to well how often I need reminding!) I made it my top priority that day and when I grabbed the job, the prayer on that sandal absolutely resonated off the paper right into my soul. I had completed and reprinted this job many, many times during the 4+ years I've worked here but today it was as if I seen this prayer for the very first time...and indeed I was seeing it anew in sorts; the first time looking through the eyes of my heart. This prayer fit so perfectly into the time frame of my life as I'm praying for my calling and still not quite sure how to do this "prayer thing" correctly... these following words summed up exactly what I had been needing:

Jesus:
Teach me...

To see things,
AS YOU SEE THEM

To feel about things,
AS YOU FEEL ABOUT THEM

TO BE WHO YOU WANT ME TO BE! AMEN

EXACTLY! Doesn't that pretty much accomplish the same concept of praying for your calling, asking Jesus to teach me how to see life as he sees it! YES! YES! YES! THIS IS HOW I WANT TO LIVE!! I wondered how this beautiful, amazing, brilliantly SIMPLE prayer had not struck me before? As if I were BLIND ~ it had slipped right past me for 4 solid years! I'm just so glad I had procrastinated long enough that I didn't let this gem slip by me unnoticed for another year! So I began praying this easy lil prayer many times a day and I even shared one of the bookmarks with Donny hoping he might remember to say this one a time or two.

Another defining moment(or as I like to call it A DIVINE SIGN) that led me to "open my eyes" yet again to a broader range of view regarding my purpose in this spiritual life. The moment occurred during the few weeks of prayer where I had intently focused on receiving my & Donny's calling. I was in charge of sorting through some breathtaking photos that our sisters had taken while on a recent mission trip in Nicaragua and I was hanging on the edge of my seat as I sifted through all these 200+ photos barely wanting to waste a moment blinking! Each and every photo captured such an amazing story of their encounter with faith, healing, people, land, everything in God's beautiful creation was being represented in these photos through intense colors so enriched by life I would've swore I was seeing it vividly in real life.

Another sign or "coincidence" if you prefer; happened during the same weeks of prayer. An opportunity for some employees to partake in a mission trip to Mexico in 2009 was starting to rumble inside the convent walls and it peaked my interest instantly. The incredible Nicaragua trip had triggered something deep for me and I actually longed to be a part of those photographs! For the very first time IN MY LIFE an undeniable desire to leave the boundaries of my comfort zone (oh ya, and Minnesota) had awaken and I gazed at the Nicaragua photos imagining that "I could actually do something like this one day, how amazing would that be?!" All other mission photos that I had previously downloaded, all other mission stories that I had ever heard, all other simple vacation stories to foreign countries I had ever heard up to this point were always met with the same simple response in my dormant confined mind "Oh, how nice...FOR THEM, but that's definitely not my slice of pie. I could NEVER do something like that". BUT NOW....WOOOOAAAAH, stop the train...I'd like to get off this trip set on auto-pilot and start digging into all the hidden spiritual adventures I've been oblivious too! It's those "brand new eyes" again, seeing this world in a different light was also guiding my interests in a whole new direction! I chatted a bit to get the details about this Mexico mission trip in the making and I thought instantly "this would be a great opportunity for Donny, Zach and I to experience something faith-filled TOGETHER, we totally need this ~ SIGN US UP!" I had a few conversations with Donny and he agreed it might be a trip worth merit for our family to embark upon, with a year to prepare and save we might be able to make it happen...and so the "seed" was planted in our hearts, we could actually be missionaries in the making?!

The very next day after Donny and I discussed our possible participation in the Mexico trip my calling came bursting right through the front door of my heart like a wild bull! The pounding was so intense my poor little heart nearly jumped right out of my chest. I have this list of MANY adoption blogs that I kindly stalk on a weekly basis so I can live vicariously through their family miracles until my next adoption adventure is set to begin and I've become quite meticulous in my constant vigil of this online family that has found a permanent home in my heart. I have many of my "closer" connections saved under my favorites list for easy access when I need a dose of "adoption" like any addict would need easy and quick access to get their "fix". This day I accidentally landed on the missionary blog "a bright future". One that I mentioned before about catching my eye long ago and finding a home among my "favorites" list. Much to my pleasant surprise this blog had been updated for the first time in 7 months ~ I had checked it randomly over the course of these 7 months to sadly find no further entries. I began to wonder if it was blog that was no longer being used and this day I learned YES, OH YES, it was still a live site for there was the loooong awaited update. Out of all the times I had perused this blog I never paid any mind to the links on the right hand side and on this very day I "accidentally" landed on "a bright future" blog the link list caught my eye IMMEDIATELY! I seen a link titled "Visiting Orphans" and it literally reached out and tugged at my eyeballs daunting me to just CLICK HERE! I instantaneously clicked the link and was redirected to a missionary organization called "Visiting Orphans" where they, as you can imagine, lead trips to visit orphans around the world!!

At that indescribably serene yet simultaneously exhilarating moment it was as if the clouds parted and the sun began shining down on my face for the very first time in my life! It was like bells were a ringing, birds were a signing, the distant tune of a song that only plays when an epiphany comes to life was harmonizing my heart!! The holy grail of all treasures! I had found it!! HERE IT WAS = MY CALLING!!!! WITHOUT A DOUBT I KNEW IT!! Actually I could say it was more like eager screaming rather than calling! I was weightless; my spirit floating outside my physical body, dancing and celebrating ~ finally this girl had FOUND IT! (clapping should erupt here!) Everyone involved(well, mostly me & God) embraced this soul nurturing peace ~ I'm sure God was happy he didn't have to keep sending me "signs for dummies" like a kindergarten handbook. I had finally wrapped my mind around all he had been sending me for well over a year ~ the messages were no longer just static buzzing around in this "vacant" brain of mine! Through all the static over a year's time I finally found that one station that came in crystal clear and it was blaring my favorite tune ~ so it's time to start singing my heart out like I'm in the shower! It is the type of experience and sensation that you wish you could bottle up and share with every single person you know. Shout it from the rooftops, seriously you have to experience this for yourself! It would be the greatest gift I could give anyone I love..oh how I wish it was my gift to give! Words simply do no justice to the 'high' you feel! It's truly beyond all sensory comprehension! If you've ever received a call from God you know exactly what I'm talking about and if you haven't...I pray you will receive your gift of 'new life' from Him sooner rather than later!!

I emailed Visting Orphans Organization IMMEDIATELY to get further info and beg mercifully to find a loop hole to join this excursion because I had missed the registration deadline by about 3 weeks. This was IT, I honestly knew it would just work out...somehow I knew I would end up on one of these trips THIS SUMMER!! There was absolutely NO WAY I could wait until next year, not with this fire burning me alive from the inside out ~ it was going to happen now, I could feel it from the tingling in my toes through the pounding of my heart all the way up to the sensation in my brain! The pitiful begging email was sent, now I had to patiently await a response! I returned back to Amanda's blog site "a bright future" to read her current entry that I had completely skipped over...and it was yet another inspiring, beautiful spiritual story that moved me. I left her a comment with my support, stating my interest level in her amazing blog and left my contact information and basically "the rest is history"!! Amanda contacted me and informed me of her next mission trip she was leading to Ethiopia & Rwanda and my jaw dropped on the floor when she took a leap of faith and invited Donny and I to join. We had only a few days to decide as we'd be joining this trip in the 'nic of time' just before ordering their plane tickets! The Visiting Orphans site didn't pan out as we truly had been "too late" to sign up ~ no loop holes to be found. Yet some how the funny little thing seem to pan out just right and we landed on a mission trip to Africa to fulfill our destiny of becoming the loving hands & feet of our Saviour! What an honor and a pleasure to get from "there" to "here" in an amazing year of growth exponentially as a family and spiritually as a woman, mother, wife, and most importantly FOLLOWER of Jesus! Amen to that!!!

Pause! [side bar] on this history lesson of our spiritual birth

Okay, this blog is becoming my life's obsession cuz each night this week as I lay down for my weensie few winks of sleep at night, many, many topics, stories, visions and ultimately thousands of words plague my drained brain and it's been taking me hours to actually fall asleep at night. Oh geez, I knew this was going to happen! "Maria and her obsessions!" it takes on a life of its own! There is sooooo much I'd love to share about this amazing past year and my spiritual revolution now that its in the "action" phase. My mind truly haunts me in the night and I'm finding no room for sleep in my life! EEK!

So I must pause from the current lesson of the "history of the Traut's salvation" here for a minute and back up to tell you about the initial pivotal kick-off that led me to accepting God's guidance. Here are some logistics on our journey of infertility. We had spent nearly all of the 2 years on this journey just trying to "make a go of it" on our own without any medical treatments (mostly because I didn't think we qualified to receive medical intervention). I educated myself like a freakish over-achiever about all things "reproductive" about the human body thinking since "luck" hadn't worked the first year certainly the scientific approach would be successful! Obviously, that wasn't working either, so I turned to the next readily available option; natural healing and followed that path for months. NOPE. In my darkness and pity-consuming frame of mind I began to focus a lot on the idea of "Why doesn't God believe I'm worthy of having a baby? What is wrong with me? Why don't I deserve this?" I know now that was that cunning ole Satan whispering those miserable "sweet" nothings into my ear, but haphazardly (which later was revealed to me through the book Bait of Satan, I learned God often sits back letting the Devil have his way with you in your weakened state because GOD can see the bigger picture and knows that the stumbling blocks the Devil throws in your path will more often than not become a beautiful piece of the Lord's plan for cultivating your life) I found this personal pity party of "Why me??" to become inspiration for me to take a long, hard, realistic look in the mirror and I began to see some horrible reflections staring back at me. I wanted desperately to be "a new woman" before we entered the medical phase of our infertility journey(which was set to begin) thinking it would provide an extra "bonus" on the chances of our luck increasing and help our medical intrauterine insemination [IUI] process to be successful.(I was a bit COOKOO during this point of the LONG journey!!! Which my previous statement proves!) It was obvious in my irrational mind; I needed to become a better person so God would give me a baby. Simple enough huh? Still not knowing and/or trusting in the Lord, I thought this could work as a "deal" of sorts: I fix some of my faults and you reward me with a baby...deal or no deal?....I'll take the DEAL! Well, as always...I like to go for the gusto right from the start, I love coming straight out of the gates packing a punch, after all I'm in this race to win!!! It was rather simple for me to determine what fault of mine I should begin refining and I knew this was going to be HARD goal to accomplish!

FORGIVENESS

I needed to forgive a certain someone in my life that I had spent the past 4+ years obsessively trying to destroy. I started to reflect on how UGLY I was...internally(where it counts the most)...I had exhausted so much of my energy in defiling this other person that her negativity mixed with my own negativity had taken control of both our lives. It was as if Satan was having a hay day playing barbies with the two of us in an ultimate fighting match! As I stared in that mirror of harsh reality, I literally became flush from embarrassment...how on earth did I fall this far into a dark hole I couldn't climb back out of? I had made some horribly bad choices in regards to this person = sin in it's finest hour. I used her as an easy scapegoat ~ she had chosen a lifestyle of very few positive decisions ~ so she became an easy target for me to cast my pitfalls onto her resume. This was "not me" and for the first time I had the courage to realize it "WAS ME" and instantly the scapegoat facade and personal denial disintegrated and I recognized the cold hard truth smacking me in the face. SO, how on earth would I go about forgiving her...yikes, I had a hatred so deeply seeded towards this person that I became physically ill in her presence or when speaking of her influence upon my life. I remember a few times that I literally ran to the bathroom to vomit because a simple discussion involving her name worked me into a frenzy severe enough to transform from an emotional obsession to a physical reaction on my body. Now, that is some DEEPLY SEEDED hatred....let me tell you. It's easy to see now why I let that sin consume me to such a severe degree...I was "hating her" for my own failures and faults. None-the-less I set the bar high and I thought beyond a doubt that if I forgave her, I'd get "a baby out of the deal"...and I was desperate for the gift of a child so I knew what had to be done.

Forgiveness was not something that I had the luxury of witnessing too many times in my life so I truly had no idea how to go about this and make it "real". It's easy to say "I forgive" and not mean it, I needed to sell myself on the idea, I knew it had to be real...I needed to fully embrace forgiveness. SCARY! I lived my life all the way up to this point being trapped by the almighty sin of "offense" [which by the way is the entire essence of the book Bait of Satan]. I had seen others in my life who were role models to me live this sin as second nature so truly it became a part of my characteristic. Offense in the form of: grudges, revenge, blame, hurt, hatred, slander, unforgiveness...those were sins of my forefathers that had penetrated my impressionable mind as a youngster and in essence became second nature to me. I never cognitively decided one day to say "man, I think I'm going to live a life filled with hatred for all those who have offended me and do whatever in my power to seek revenge"...either it was generational sin or I was an easy target for Satan's grasp because there was no denying those characteristics were attached to me like woodticks!

How do I learn how to forgive? This is all brand new to me and seems unattainable!! It must have been at that turning point where God looked down upon my measly life and said "I think she's almost ready for me"....because out of no where it was almost as easy as just saying the words "I forgive you..."! I thought about it in deep contemplation for about a week and then in a phone conversation with my mom I just blurted it out "I think I need to forgive 'A', the time has come...I need to forgive her and move on with my life in a different direction." and my mom responded with[surprise in her voice] support and reassurance that it might not be a bad idea. Seriously, once I spoke the words out loud to my mom it was like my mind accepted it as reality, I made my goal to forgive attainable by expressing it vocally to someone therefore holding myself accountable. Now here comes the ultimate surprise....

Forgiveness was a bigger gift FOR ME than it was for 'A'. In reality she had no clue about the severity of my ill feelings towards her as I avoided all direct contact with her like the plague so she rarely ever had to lay eyes upon me. My feelings probably didn't effect her daily life...but it WAS CONSUMING MINE. I was soooo FREEEEEEEEE after embracing forgiveness. I could not believe how light I felt, it was as if I had dumped a 500lb load of bricks off my shoulders. Why had I not known all the "personal" benefits involved in the gift of forgiveness...I would have done it sooo much earlier!! ha!! That was the initial baby step, the absolute defining moment of my transformation into seeing this world with a new pair of eyes. I equate that week to being the tiny snow flake that would lead to the ultimate avalanche of God's LOVE overwhelmingly taking over my life. (although at this point I was not aware of the change that was going to occur in me...I was just making good on my end of the "deal" I proposed with God so I could get a baby!)

I felt like a million bucks and I thought for certain I was going to get pregnant in a mere few weeks when we had the IUI planned...I had come through with my end of the bargain. I forgave and it was AWESOME and I ended up getting something out of the deal...FREEDOM! But then I had to face "A" for the first time since I decided in my mind and heart to forgive her and I thought "well, I can easily do this, I don't really 'want to' but it should be doable now that I'm in a forgiving frame of mind"...as our car rolled into the gas station where I was to meet up with her I felt those sickly feelings starting to creep back in to my stomach and without hesitation I made the conscious decision to say "NO WAY...I'm BEYOND THIS...I have forgiven her, this anxiety NEEDS TO STOP" and it did. Right there proved to me, I had gained a level of strength I didn't know I had in me. I was physically able to deny those ill feelings to control me...what a beautiful empowering, freeing feeling!

So I had forgiven 'A' in my own heart and mind, check...this was done, I'd get my baby...life would be happy right? Well no, it didn't work like that. This would be the portion of the story where my first blog entry comes into play. A couple weeks passed we had our IUI at the clinic, it turned out to be a failure and hence the "morning bathroom breakdown" ensued and we all know how it goes from there.

When our adoption journey "ended" in the context that we were home with our baby. The beautiful relationship we formed with his birthfamily haunted me....'A' came rushing back to the foreground again trying to consume my life and I was thinking "WHAT THE HECK, I HAVE FORGIVEN HER, WHAT ELSE IS THERE?"....I come to realize that I had not completed my journey of forgiveness until I reached out to her and shared my thoughts of forgiveness WITH HER and ultimately needed to ask her to FORGIVE ME. And this beautiful, merciful, gracious God of ours knew that measly little Maria would not be strong enough to do this in her present position of "back seat passenger" in the relationship of "Donny, 'A' & Maria". So he graced me with the most surprising, humbling gift of all...the piece of the puzzle he knew I needed so that I could find the courage to complete this journey of forgiveness. He granted me the gift of my son Zachary...legally! The day I adopted him released another 500lb load I didn't even know I was carrying. It was black & white to me at that point...so I took the lead, reached out in forgiveness and God's work through my hands has truly knocked my freakin socks right off. I can not believe what a healing gift this has been for my son Zachary! I can not believe what a healing gift this has been for ME! I can not believe was a gift this has been for my family! I can not believe what a gift this has been for my growth as a person and more importantly a mom! I can not believe how this simple act of "forgiveness" has transformed so many lives that were trapped by the affects of "offense". When I read the book "Bait of Satan" I had finally stumbled upon all the words I needed to describe this transformation in me that had taken place simply because I decided "to forgive" and it showed me in black & white how the trap of "offense" can poison your life. Amazing, simply amazing!

So then what happened?

I'm fairly certain most all of you know the amazing tale that is our "adoption journey" to my baby Boon and ultimately my son Zachary as well! And if you weren't an active adoption blog follower you've probably had your ear full of my rantings at some point or another! I'll spare you all the 1 millionth re-cap at this point. What a life altering experience for me to be of present mind and KNOW that every minute of that journey was God's miracle at work in my life for my family. I often wrote about all the "coincidences" on Boon's blog when truly that was my secret code for acknowledging that I knew and recognized each and every touch from God's hands upon my journey. It is phenomenal how my life was turned upside down and flipped inside out through this adoption experience, truly as my second son was literally being born I too was being born into a new life! And now I'm hoping you can see why I joyfully and erratically state with enthusiasm that infertility was my GIFT! I don't say that to make light of a heavy, heart wrenching disease, I have many dear friends whose experience with infertility is something completely different and a life-long battle and I'm truly sensitive to the fact that every journey is different. I'm just thankful I personally found a greater purpose for my experience with infertility.

Through the amazing revelations that I encountered from reading the book "Bait of Satan" I learned all about when God shakes our foundation in an attempt to "sift" our souls. I do believe the experience of infertility was like an earthquake in my life, one I truly thought I would not survive ~ I definitely can not deny the shaking that was occurring [for 2 solid years!]. The following words absolutely jumped right off the page of this great book as I read my eyes bugged out:

Five purposes for shaking an object:

1. To bring it closer to its foundation.
2. To remove what is dead
3. To harvest what is ripe
4. To awaken
5. To unify or mix together so it can be no longer separated.

EXACTLY ~ Amen, hallelujah...this hits the nail on the head! When I could not find the words to describe for so long how the past 3 years have changed me down to my very core...I found the perfect words to illustrate my exact thoughts in this chapter of the book!

How infertility was the purpose for shaking me:

1. I finally found my undeniable foundation = the Lord.
2. To rid my character of superficial views, morals, values and beliefs, rid my life of selfishness and reckless sinful actions = all of this was "dead" weight that needed to be purged.
3. My trust in God had ripened and my faith was ready to be harvested.
4. OH YES AWAKEN INDEED! My soul was finally awaken to recognize my calling and purpose in this life.
5. My life needed to be unified with God's plan so he mixed us together and I fruitfully became the mother he planned for me to be from this beautiful blending.

= Thus infertility became my GIFT.

So there is a mini-history lesson on how I now see my experience with a set of new eyes.

Fast forward to the glorious day our Boon was born. My dreams to extend my family were finally coming true after such a long haul it was a bitter sweet time for me. I came home with my beautiful baby boy, an amazing extended family built through open-adoption and a brand new outlook on my life. As I've said endlessly, I was humbled to a point of guilt as I felt I didn't deserve such a blessing...this quickly transformed into a deep inspiration for personal growth, I wanted to grow in every way imaginable to become a mom truly worthy of these two precious boys...the Lord had brought me this far so I turned to him to continue to lead me.

Days went by and I was at home enjoying my family I had yearned to have for SOOO long, I should be content beyond my hearts desire, correct?! One would certainly think so. BUT, (there's always a BUT) soon I found these intensely charged emotions relating to all things adoption quickly seeping back into the foreground of my heart. WHAT ON EARTH!!! I'm supposed to be done with that "baby fever" stuff so why is there this burning desire in the depths of my soul to be connected to adoption? Why has this fire not been put out!! SURELY I'VE LOST MY MIND, RIGHT?! It was as if adoption amnesia had taken a hold of me and I'd completely forgotten the paperwork nightmares! But there I sat struggling with this wildfire that had not diminished but multiplied, intensified, and exploded into a sweltering firestorm that was consuming my soul! OH GREAT! Everyone and their uncle's neighbor's hairdresser is expecting me to be content with my dream-come-true, comfortable, country, lifestyle as MOM and I was expecting the same so now what do I do with these uncontrollable adoption ties yanking on my heartstrings? " The intensity grew as the days went by...so 2 short months after Boon joined our clan I found myself desperate to be connected to the adoption rat-race all over again. CALL THE WHITE VAN IMMEDIATELY ~ TAKE ME AWAY! I didn't dare tell ANYONE for fear they would think I was ungrateful for the indescribable, life-altering, immensely humbling gifts that I had received. Being ungrateful was not the case at all, I was in a phase of my life where God was throwing gas on the wildfire to keep me passionate about what was to become my calling, although at this point I didn't know it was a calling on my life...I thought it was that darn "baby bug" biting me all over again!

Through another series of revealing dreams some things were coming to light, those revelations were undeniably leading me to Ethiopia. So I dove back in the saddle but instead of demanding this horse to gallop full speed to the finish line, I decided for the sake of my husbands sanity to take a leisurely stroll this time and secretly began my obsessive study of Ethiopia to see if that was where our next adventure would take us.

5 months pass by(when talking about patience 5 months can realistically be compared to 5 decades in this girl's mind!) needless to say I was anxious and chomping at the bit to get this adoption roller coaster on the tracks again, I'm "READY" but still TERRIFIED to tell my husband about this obsession. So I headed off to a women's retreat the first weekend in April and heavy on my mind were two things, my son Zachary and his needs and this crazy life-of-its-own passion for adoption. I was hoping the good Lord would send me some signs as to how I should proceed down either of these roads and divine inspiration on how to convince my husband to go for this craziness. God was faithful yet again. Lisa Bevere was the main speaker at this 2 day conference and she seriously must have read my personal diary before preparing her testimony ~ she spoke right to the deepest, darkest places hiding in the cobb-webbed corners of my heart!! GULP! On top of all that she inspired me to believe I could grow to a level I never imagined possible before. About a million times over the course of the weekend I found myself thinking "wow, she would have been an amazing mentor and role model in my life as a young girl...Heck, she's becoming a role model to me NOW!" The underlying message I was receiving from her words was "are you open to God's call on your life" She kept saying this repetitive line of "lean in and listen" or something to that extent and that's exactly what I did...I leaned in closer to God and by the end of the seminar I found myself praying for "my calling" being fairly certain [as I always know best, ha ha] adopting a football team of babies was my calling and I was sure God would say "Maria, get your butt to Africa NOW!" by the end of Saturday's event. I came home and unloaded on poor Donny, I was inspired, rejuvenated and walking in the clouds. We had a beautiful conversation about "recognizing the call" for our life, I poured my soul out about my private faith journey over the course of the past year and basically pleaded and begged for Donny to "jump up here" in the spiritual clouds with me, like he could snap his fingers and make it happen. He thought my brain had sprung a leak and my sanity had completely drained out! But he listened to me and supported my excitement, then rolled over and began to snore.

I went to bed emotionally DRAINED but thinking that I HAD recognized my call and it was relating to adoption, but now I was starting to think to what degree am I to be involved with adoption, an advocate, an educator, a supporter, what side of adoption do I belong on the journey before or after the gift of a child, maybe I should be connected to orphans? Do they even make a vehicle big enough to hold all the beautiful children I dream to adopt?! Hmmm, I still couldn't pin my finger on it directly, but was certain somewhere in there proved to be a beautiful brown-sugar baby girl for me one day! ;) The next morning we went to church and I kid you not pastors sermon was all about recognizing the call for your life and if you're open to hear God's voice. JACKPOT!! I sat there the ENTIRE hour and a half with one of those half-cocked grins on my face ~ *wink, wink* thanks there big guy for making me "right" in my great faithful debate with Donny! He glanced over my way out of the corner of his eye a time or two and gave me the same smart-alec grin so I knew he was "getting it" too! He just hates when "I'm right"!! ha ha! I left church that day with my prayer intentions being focused mainly on what was to be Donny's calling in life and the ability for him to recognize it and also continuing my prayer about my own life's calling and where on earth this faith journey was taking us! Ethiopia are you in our future?

A story of salvation…how the end of “my” life was only the beginning!

Stop rubbing your eyes and close your jaw now, yes it’s true the Maria you all know (and love ~ ha ha) is about to tell you a story of how the hand of God reaches down, takes a hold of you when you’d least expect it and sets you solidly back on your feet with a new pair of running shoes for this long distance race we call LIFE! It’s true…I’m one of those, I’m lucky enough to be joining the ranks…I’ve been saved by the grace of God and I’m shouting it from the rooftops cuz after all this is my story and I can shout if I want to!!

My journey of redemption began long before my heathen eyes were even open to see the big picture and so “ironically” I found myself accepting a job at the convent of the Franciscan Sisters in 2004 ~ essentially a square peg trying to fit in a round hole. Every acquaintance I had laughed hysterically at the satire playing out in my life as did I! They were sure I wouldn’t last a minute! Unknowingly these sisters came equipped with a handy belt sander [borrowed from a certain carpenter we all know ;)] so they had the tools to gently shave away my rough edges and refine me into a nice round peg to fit perfectly where I NEEDED to land ~ in the round hole ~ only took them a few years and a couple thousands sheets of sand paper to whip me into shape. HA!

When I entered this position as the "Big J's" Graphic Designer I was most fearful of the fact that I was a non-practicing Lutheran who knew very little about the good Lord (for basically all of my life) and I was trying to join the ranks of a Catholic religious order and not be found out! I took this job thinking “oh man, in a few weeks they’ll see I don’t know my head from my foot when it comes to religion, the bible, the whole nine yards, then they’ll find out I’m a Lutheran(gasp) that doesn’t even go to church(bigger gasp) and kick me right out!” but I was desperate for a new job and I figured I didn’t stand to lose much from my current situation so even if I only lasted a week or two here at the convent before being fired for fraud, taking this leap was worth the risk!

[In all honesty, I knew I did possess the seeds of their Franciscan roots, just never had the tools to nurture the sprouts enough to grow my own roots nor bear any fruit, until by osmosis through my continuous 40 hour work weeks ~ I found the sisters nurturing and tending to my spiritual growth without my knowledge, pruning me into something potentially beautiful, someone worthy of being fruitful. Yet, all the while everyone laughed that it was punishment to the severest degree for these poor nun’s were burdened with the task of trying to “save me”, some would say “God had no hope left for me, so his last effort was to throw me smack dab in the middle of 200 nuns to see if they could cast the heathen out of me” others joked that “lightening must strike me often” I too was shocked I was being accepted by the Sisters so I joked right along with everyone that yes, it was an impossible task to save ME! Little did I know how true it was that these Sisters would be the foundation of my salvation!! Suddenly reality “kindly” greeted me in 2005…by complete surprise a drought had struck my life threatening to kill off the little vegetation I had blooming from my infantile roots. I amazingly stumbled upon the realization that I had a supply of fruits stock piled in my internal storm shelter that I never new existed thanks to those sisters nurturing my growth along the way so maybe, just maybe it wouldn’t be utterly impossible to survive this hardship that was shaping up to be quite the adverse journey.]

So where this faith story gets “faithful” is when the drought struck and hit me like a ton of bricks demolishing a cardboard house…and that drought I’m speaking of is my experience with infertility. Man, was I a bear(to say the least) through those long two+ years of consuming darkness ~ and no I don’t need y’all rushing to offer testimony to my ugliness ~ I’m well aware of it now that I’ve passed through the storm and looked back upon the damage I caused(and I know I still owe a lot of apologies!)…its true misery loves company and I was bent on throwing a pity-party banquet mandating everyone in my life be my “guest”. It’s a dark place that I never knew I would end up trapped in, a low that was lower than my imagination could encompass and a depressive state of zombie-like “existence” that is an insult to the life I was gifted to live. Consumed by self-pity I was making one rash decision after another as the desperation grew I reached my breaking point numerous times only to have to ‘start over again’ month after month. When thoughts of suicide were all that seemed to consume me as an “answer” to my broken dreams of motherhood and the reality of infertility being something “I couldn’t fix or CONTROL” I felt like I was in a hard spot with no where to turn; the well had run dry, the drought was ravaging my life, devastating desperation truly had a firm grasp upon me and I had not found my “storm shelter” yet.

One morning I snapped in the middle of my mundane routine, I lost it and literally hit the floor of my bathroom, half undressed attempting to get in the shower my knees physically buckled from under me, I found myself literally too weak to get up…I sat there in frustration but more-so devastation; sobbing, weeping, bellowing from the depths of my broken soul calling out for help. WHO COULD HELP ME?! I somehow discovered one last “idea” before deciphering the logistics of an attempt on my life and that tiny spark of an idea was to call out to God, if he’s up there he had to hear me because I literally screamed out for him!! I had been mad at God for so long, but now I knew I had to turn to him, first for forgiveness and then for mercy if there was any hope for me? My heart was shattered and my soul was defeated and the Lord was my “last option”. [You’d think with 2 years under my belt at the convent the Lord would’ve ranked somewhere ahead of “last ditch effort” but I seriously was that huge of a heathen ~ for the heathen life was all I had ever known] I frantically begged for him to take over my life or even simply end my life. I had no other plans, no where to go from here and I knew I wasn’t truly “brave” enough to commit suicide although I had longed for death to put me out of my selfish misery almost every minute of the day for nearly a years time. I needed someone else to take the drivers seat…I no longer wanted to be the driver, I had been lost for years now, taking one wrong turn after another and ending up on all these dead end roads going no where; missing all the signs for my destination along the way because I was consumed with control, thinking I held all the answers. Well, now I was a mess and no longer wanted control…mostly because I didn’t want the responsibility of living this life I had created for myself. I despised every decision I had made up to that point ~ luckily even a heathen is graced by God (though she denies him) because a lot of the decisions I had “fallen into” proved later to not be the “irony” or the “coincidences” I believed them to be but confirmation of God’s plan. Although I was unaware of this bigger picture at that moment in my life because the devil’s hold on my mind was assuring me I had made only bad choices and deserved misery. I realize now I was taking for granted the few right choices I had made and casting my demons upon others who were surrounding me ~ boy is that a walk of shame to look back upon. So, I called in sick to work that cold day in February (for the record: I was sick with “girly problems” you’d rather not hear about). The onset of my monthly cycle definitely ignited the explosion that resulted in my mental bathroom breakdown as it was always the onset of complete heartbreak every month…just normally not of this magnitude. I skipped the shower and slinked my way back to bed. I lied there like a pile of waste all day consumed by my own selfish misery and failures. Luckily, my depressive state allowed for me to sleep almost on command so as I slept the hours away that day something different occurred for the very first time; I dreamt anew of things I had never envisioned…I dreamt of adoption, not literally about the choice or process of adoption (who dreams about all that paperwork!) but I was seeing me with a family unmistakably built by adoption and these dreams were filled with deep, internal joy that words can not fully express. After my private 24 hour pity party was over I awoke ready to face the world again with a newfound attribute added to my previously blank spiritual resume…that of God’s forgiveness, hope and promise. I never thought I’d find a place for hope again in my life, but there it was like the little engine that could working it’s way up from the distance refusing to take last place!

I began to hesitantly and slowly research adoption because although I had personally witnessed the beauty of adoption in Donny’s family, I still let fear consume me that a gift THAT BEAUTIFUL would not be in the cards for me. I too was another uneducated fool that let the media propaganda influence my views on what adoption would be like ~ specifically domestic adoption ~ so I was terrified to embrace these uncharted waters wondering often “God are you sure this is right ~ I need a sign ~ I’m just not sure?!?” I'm certain he shook his head at me many times thinking "oh ye, of little faith" thus signs I received and they came by the truckloads!! I’m so glad the good Lord had put Angels in my life along the way like little life rafts to keep me afloat and hold my hand every step of the way like a frightened preschooler crossing the street for the first time! Even though I’m a huge dingbat, petrified and fumbling along blindly engulfed in fear…I wouldn’t miss this life changing sign if it had to slap me right in the forehead like those V8 commercials!! Needless to say, now that the eyes of my heart were open to a bigger plan God certainly took over the driver seat for me and I’ve been enjoying every single minute of this breathtaking ride as his passenger on this crazy road trip!! The growing pains have been immense in learning how to give up control, trust in a father that I can not see or touch (or argue with) but the rewards of living out his plan for my life have been larger than anything I could’ve imagined for myself! Better than any plan I EVER HAD!!! Plus, this new chapter in my life, heck this new BOOK of my life, has inspired me to learn how to embrace personal growth, continual conversion as the Franciscan Sisters would say ~ I’m doing it and I’m loving it! Embracing change in my life has proven to lead me to one beautiful gift after another so bring on the adversity for I know prosperity awaits me on the other side! I will proudly weather any storm the good Lord places in front of me with honor knowing his plan is greater than my understanding. Not only did his plans provide for my dreams of motherhood to come true ~ two-fold at that ~ I was awaken to realize I had a greater purpose to accomplish in this life. I had the opportunity to reflect upon many pages of the previous chapters in my life thus far, yikes, not a story I wish to “read” twice. Now that I was “in the light” I realized that this entire journey I encountered as a heathen was in preparation for me to find a deeper strength, unbreakable courage, divine inspiration and unfaltering FAITH to simply let go and enjoy the free fall into his safety net where I’d be welcomed into a new family, God’s chosen family. I was challenged to become a LIVING Christian, a true FOLLOWER of Jesus ~ not the average person of domesticated faith who is God FEARING and goes to church on Sunday by habitual process or family obligation and claims by word of mouth to be faithful ~ I was chosen to be a servant of God that LIVES, EATS, AND BREATHES his work through my own hands and feet and I realized it takes great preparation to reach this humbling destiny. I’m so privileged he’s chosen my life’s mission to be connected to reaching out to orphans and through the ties of adoption fall completely IN LOVE with this greater purpose for my life’s journey. I have beautiful footprints to follow and guide me and a terrifyingly huge legacy to continue yet I can not wait to answer the call every time I hear that spiritual “ring”.