A story of salvation…how the end of “my” life was only the beginning!

Stop rubbing your eyes and close your jaw now, yes it’s true the Maria you all know (and love ~ ha ha) is about to tell you a story of how the hand of God reaches down, takes a hold of you when you’d least expect it and sets you solidly back on your feet with a new pair of running shoes for this long distance race we call LIFE! It’s true…I’m one of those, I’m lucky enough to be joining the ranks…I’ve been saved by the grace of God and I’m shouting it from the rooftops cuz after all this is my story and I can shout if I want to!!

My journey of redemption began long before my heathen eyes were even open to see the big picture and so “ironically” I found myself accepting a job at the convent of the Franciscan Sisters in 2004 ~ essentially a square peg trying to fit in a round hole. Every acquaintance I had laughed hysterically at the satire playing out in my life as did I! They were sure I wouldn’t last a minute! Unknowingly these sisters came equipped with a handy belt sander [borrowed from a certain carpenter we all know ;)] so they had the tools to gently shave away my rough edges and refine me into a nice round peg to fit perfectly where I NEEDED to land ~ in the round hole ~ only took them a few years and a couple thousands sheets of sand paper to whip me into shape. HA!

When I entered this position as the "Big J's" Graphic Designer I was most fearful of the fact that I was a non-practicing Lutheran who knew very little about the good Lord (for basically all of my life) and I was trying to join the ranks of a Catholic religious order and not be found out! I took this job thinking “oh man, in a few weeks they’ll see I don’t know my head from my foot when it comes to religion, the bible, the whole nine yards, then they’ll find out I’m a Lutheran(gasp) that doesn’t even go to church(bigger gasp) and kick me right out!” but I was desperate for a new job and I figured I didn’t stand to lose much from my current situation so even if I only lasted a week or two here at the convent before being fired for fraud, taking this leap was worth the risk!

[In all honesty, I knew I did possess the seeds of their Franciscan roots, just never had the tools to nurture the sprouts enough to grow my own roots nor bear any fruit, until by osmosis through my continuous 40 hour work weeks ~ I found the sisters nurturing and tending to my spiritual growth without my knowledge, pruning me into something potentially beautiful, someone worthy of being fruitful. Yet, all the while everyone laughed that it was punishment to the severest degree for these poor nun’s were burdened with the task of trying to “save me”, some would say “God had no hope left for me, so his last effort was to throw me smack dab in the middle of 200 nuns to see if they could cast the heathen out of me” others joked that “lightening must strike me often” I too was shocked I was being accepted by the Sisters so I joked right along with everyone that yes, it was an impossible task to save ME! Little did I know how true it was that these Sisters would be the foundation of my salvation!! Suddenly reality “kindly” greeted me in 2005…by complete surprise a drought had struck my life threatening to kill off the little vegetation I had blooming from my infantile roots. I amazingly stumbled upon the realization that I had a supply of fruits stock piled in my internal storm shelter that I never new existed thanks to those sisters nurturing my growth along the way so maybe, just maybe it wouldn’t be utterly impossible to survive this hardship that was shaping up to be quite the adverse journey.]

So where this faith story gets “faithful” is when the drought struck and hit me like a ton of bricks demolishing a cardboard house…and that drought I’m speaking of is my experience with infertility. Man, was I a bear(to say the least) through those long two+ years of consuming darkness ~ and no I don’t need y’all rushing to offer testimony to my ugliness ~ I’m well aware of it now that I’ve passed through the storm and looked back upon the damage I caused(and I know I still owe a lot of apologies!)…its true misery loves company and I was bent on throwing a pity-party banquet mandating everyone in my life be my “guest”. It’s a dark place that I never knew I would end up trapped in, a low that was lower than my imagination could encompass and a depressive state of zombie-like “existence” that is an insult to the life I was gifted to live. Consumed by self-pity I was making one rash decision after another as the desperation grew I reached my breaking point numerous times only to have to ‘start over again’ month after month. When thoughts of suicide were all that seemed to consume me as an “answer” to my broken dreams of motherhood and the reality of infertility being something “I couldn’t fix or CONTROL” I felt like I was in a hard spot with no where to turn; the well had run dry, the drought was ravaging my life, devastating desperation truly had a firm grasp upon me and I had not found my “storm shelter” yet.

One morning I snapped in the middle of my mundane routine, I lost it and literally hit the floor of my bathroom, half undressed attempting to get in the shower my knees physically buckled from under me, I found myself literally too weak to get up…I sat there in frustration but more-so devastation; sobbing, weeping, bellowing from the depths of my broken soul calling out for help. WHO COULD HELP ME?! I somehow discovered one last “idea” before deciphering the logistics of an attempt on my life and that tiny spark of an idea was to call out to God, if he’s up there he had to hear me because I literally screamed out for him!! I had been mad at God for so long, but now I knew I had to turn to him, first for forgiveness and then for mercy if there was any hope for me? My heart was shattered and my soul was defeated and the Lord was my “last option”. [You’d think with 2 years under my belt at the convent the Lord would’ve ranked somewhere ahead of “last ditch effort” but I seriously was that huge of a heathen ~ for the heathen life was all I had ever known] I frantically begged for him to take over my life or even simply end my life. I had no other plans, no where to go from here and I knew I wasn’t truly “brave” enough to commit suicide although I had longed for death to put me out of my selfish misery almost every minute of the day for nearly a years time. I needed someone else to take the drivers seat…I no longer wanted to be the driver, I had been lost for years now, taking one wrong turn after another and ending up on all these dead end roads going no where; missing all the signs for my destination along the way because I was consumed with control, thinking I held all the answers. Well, now I was a mess and no longer wanted control…mostly because I didn’t want the responsibility of living this life I had created for myself. I despised every decision I had made up to that point ~ luckily even a heathen is graced by God (though she denies him) because a lot of the decisions I had “fallen into” proved later to not be the “irony” or the “coincidences” I believed them to be but confirmation of God’s plan. Although I was unaware of this bigger picture at that moment in my life because the devil’s hold on my mind was assuring me I had made only bad choices and deserved misery. I realize now I was taking for granted the few right choices I had made and casting my demons upon others who were surrounding me ~ boy is that a walk of shame to look back upon. So, I called in sick to work that cold day in February (for the record: I was sick with “girly problems” you’d rather not hear about). The onset of my monthly cycle definitely ignited the explosion that resulted in my mental bathroom breakdown as it was always the onset of complete heartbreak every month…just normally not of this magnitude. I skipped the shower and slinked my way back to bed. I lied there like a pile of waste all day consumed by my own selfish misery and failures. Luckily, my depressive state allowed for me to sleep almost on command so as I slept the hours away that day something different occurred for the very first time; I dreamt anew of things I had never envisioned…I dreamt of adoption, not literally about the choice or process of adoption (who dreams about all that paperwork!) but I was seeing me with a family unmistakably built by adoption and these dreams were filled with deep, internal joy that words can not fully express. After my private 24 hour pity party was over I awoke ready to face the world again with a newfound attribute added to my previously blank spiritual resume…that of God’s forgiveness, hope and promise. I never thought I’d find a place for hope again in my life, but there it was like the little engine that could working it’s way up from the distance refusing to take last place!

I began to hesitantly and slowly research adoption because although I had personally witnessed the beauty of adoption in Donny’s family, I still let fear consume me that a gift THAT BEAUTIFUL would not be in the cards for me. I too was another uneducated fool that let the media propaganda influence my views on what adoption would be like ~ specifically domestic adoption ~ so I was terrified to embrace these uncharted waters wondering often “God are you sure this is right ~ I need a sign ~ I’m just not sure?!?” I'm certain he shook his head at me many times thinking "oh ye, of little faith" thus signs I received and they came by the truckloads!! I’m so glad the good Lord had put Angels in my life along the way like little life rafts to keep me afloat and hold my hand every step of the way like a frightened preschooler crossing the street for the first time! Even though I’m a huge dingbat, petrified and fumbling along blindly engulfed in fear…I wouldn’t miss this life changing sign if it had to slap me right in the forehead like those V8 commercials!! Needless to say, now that the eyes of my heart were open to a bigger plan God certainly took over the driver seat for me and I’ve been enjoying every single minute of this breathtaking ride as his passenger on this crazy road trip!! The growing pains have been immense in learning how to give up control, trust in a father that I can not see or touch (or argue with) but the rewards of living out his plan for my life have been larger than anything I could’ve imagined for myself! Better than any plan I EVER HAD!!! Plus, this new chapter in my life, heck this new BOOK of my life, has inspired me to learn how to embrace personal growth, continual conversion as the Franciscan Sisters would say ~ I’m doing it and I’m loving it! Embracing change in my life has proven to lead me to one beautiful gift after another so bring on the adversity for I know prosperity awaits me on the other side! I will proudly weather any storm the good Lord places in front of me with honor knowing his plan is greater than my understanding. Not only did his plans provide for my dreams of motherhood to come true ~ two-fold at that ~ I was awaken to realize I had a greater purpose to accomplish in this life. I had the opportunity to reflect upon many pages of the previous chapters in my life thus far, yikes, not a story I wish to “read” twice. Now that I was “in the light” I realized that this entire journey I encountered as a heathen was in preparation for me to find a deeper strength, unbreakable courage, divine inspiration and unfaltering FAITH to simply let go and enjoy the free fall into his safety net where I’d be welcomed into a new family, God’s chosen family. I was challenged to become a LIVING Christian, a true FOLLOWER of Jesus ~ not the average person of domesticated faith who is God FEARING and goes to church on Sunday by habitual process or family obligation and claims by word of mouth to be faithful ~ I was chosen to be a servant of God that LIVES, EATS, AND BREATHES his work through my own hands and feet and I realized it takes great preparation to reach this humbling destiny. I’m so privileged he’s chosen my life’s mission to be connected to reaching out to orphans and through the ties of adoption fall completely IN LOVE with this greater purpose for my life’s journey. I have beautiful footprints to follow and guide me and a terrifyingly huge legacy to continue yet I can not wait to answer the call every time I hear that spiritual “ring”.